Anthony’s Quest-A crap Christmas. ________________________________ Wow! Really? OKAY! LET’S DO IT! Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and umm that’s it. My inspiration for this was that a lot of people hate stuff that they know nothing about. That was why Anthony is as taunted as he is in this. ________________________________________ It was December 16th and all through the town, not a--GAH! Do I really have to say this crap? I’m not your monkey! … *GUNSHOT* Hi guys! It’s Anthony! I’ll be the new narrator since the old one killed himself. Poor sap. Anyways we were just building a snowman like we do every year. Y’see, every year we try to make this HUGE snowman and try to break a record. So far we…never done it. But this year could be different. Plus I hear there’s this big party at Old Man Oak’s Poke lab on December 24. I don’t know why they have it on Christmas, not everyone celebrates the fatman’s holiday. I’m a jew personally. “Almost done guys! Just throw me the carrot before Charmeleon eats it!” Squeak yelled at the top of the snow man. I threw Squeak the carrot and patted Charmeleon on the head. Fag… “Well it’s all done! And it only took three days! It must be 10 feet tall!” Said Amanda. “It’s still not big enough,” Said Ash. “It needs to be 15 feet tall.” “DAMNIT!” I yelled. So what? I swear. … “Well that’s okay…” Amanda said. “Oh shit! I gotta go set up the menorah!” I yelled. “Your Jewish? I didn’t know that.” Amanda said. “So what?” “Nothing. It’s just that every Christmas you come to my house and open presents. I just figured you were catholic.” Amanda said. By the time she had finished talking, I already bolted to my house. “Well Anthony! It’s about time you got here! We need to get ready!” Said my mom. God my mom is such a nag. No wonder she was 40 and still single. Well I do have an abusive dad, but I don’t consider him apart of the family. … Heh, ouch huh? “Alright. Done! Can I go play with my friends now? Before dad comes home and throws the bottle at me?” I begged. “Fine…go play with your bastards…” Mom said, downing some scotch. ________outside_________ “Hey guys I’m back! I--” I stopped noticing the snow field was empty. No one was there. Not even the snowman. “Alright guys come on out! Just because I’m a Jew doesn’t mean you guys can give me the silent treatment.” I reached for my pokeballs and noticed they were gone. Thankfully Charmeleon was testy about his ball. “I wonder where they are Char.” I said. “…I know where.” He said. “You do?! Well why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” I cursed at him. “I was putting up the star of David at the top of the house and that’s when they told me where they were going. I think.” He said. “And?” … Alright he wasn’t gunna crack. I guess it was some kinda ‘Christian’ secret. I guess they took my Pokemon with them. “Well, remember we volunteered to help put up decorations in Oak’s lab. C’mon Char.” I said. _-----At oak’s lab----_ “Well Anthony, it’s about time you got here. Here take these miniature Christmas trees and put them on all the shelves.” Oak demanded. “Whatever. Screw Christmas.” I said. Around this town, saying that was like making a Jesus joke in the middle of Bethlehem. “ANTHONY RAYMOND MASSA! Don’t you EVER say that!” Oak yelled. “pfft.” Song time. What’s a Christmas special without a song? NOTHING!!! “Why should I do these things, for you and your finks? I don’t need to I’m a Jew!” I sang. “But it’s Christmas! You can’t be angry and be so smug!” Oak sang. “Bah humbug.” “For shame, you say that. Your angry only cause your parents are mean old and fat!” Oak retaliated. HEY! “How about I kick your ass! I’m sick of holdin’ it back!” I sang angrily. “How dare you challenge an ole’ man to a fight sunny boy! No wonder Santa never gave you a single toy!” Ouch. “Fine, I’ll do your shit, but you better pay me for it!” I sang. “Whatever! You just berate! Your so rude and mean, get into the spiri---” “ENOUGH!” I yelled. “ENOUGH OF THIS! First my friends and Pokemon ditch me, I gotta help decorate for my shit holiday and now this! I HATE CHRISTMAS!” I yelled storming of to the tree house. I sat in the tree house thinking. Just thinking. Thinking of random things. Like ‘Why every year, does Santa pass over MY house?’ Sigh… SONG “It’s hard to be a Jew on Christmas…my friends won’t let me join in any games…and I can’t sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree…I can’t leave water out for Rudolph cuz there’s something wrong with me…my people don’t believe in Jesus Christ’s identity….I’m a jew…a lonely Jew…On Christmaaas…Chanukah is nice but why is it…that Santa passes over my house every year…and instead of eating ham I have to eat Kosher weenies…instead of Silent night I have to sing WhoHACK DokeLAVEESH!…and what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles tell me please! I’m a Jew…a lonely Jew…on Christmaaaas!!” I sang. Wow I’m talented. “Wow…that was sad.” Someone said coming into the tree house. Amanda climbed in. “Y’know, it’s almost Christmas, why’re you so miserable?” Amanda asked softly sitting down next to me. “Well maybe it’s because every Christmas my dad beats me and my brother from room to room while my mom stands in the corner drinkin’ scotch silently.” I said, almost sarcastically. “…Woah. Well come on it can’t be that bad. You can just stay at my house again ‘till your parents cool down.” Amanda suggested. “Jeez, thank you…But I have a question. Where did you guys go today with my Pokemon?” “Wait ‘till Christmas.” She said. “BUT IT’S CHANNAKHA!!” I said, begging like a child. “Only if you do me one favor.” “Anything!” “Stop acting like such a scrooge and help out with the party at Oak’s!” She said in that ‘mean’ voice I loved so much. “…fine.” I said ‘giving up’ the tough guy act. ___________________Oak’s______________________ “He’s back uncle Oak!!” Amanda yelled. Woah. That means she’s related to Gary Oak. “Oh good. Always count on Amanda to get her boyfriend in line.” Oak said WAY outta line. We both wanted to say we weren’t but we were busy…yeah. Busy. That’s it. “Oh…my god. Anthony. Are you actually getting into the Christmas spirit?” Mike said bursting in. “Yeah. Come on Mike, help me hang up this damn mistletoe.” I yelled. Mike pushed me off the latter and put it up. It’s a thing we do so we’re not under it together. “G’job everyone. In only a few day the party is gonna start so, I trust you’ll all be there.” Oak said. “Whatever.” I said. Amanda hit me over the head again. Her fingers are like tiny biceps. _____________Christmas eve__________________ It was the day before Christmas, and the night of Oak’s party. Whee. Well, I guess I’ll go pick Amanda, Mike and Squeak up…Oh and that other girl. Rene’? Yeah. That’s her. ___________Amanda’s place._________________ “Hey, I’m here to pick up Amanda.” I said, talking to her dad who has NEVER liked me. He thinks I’m corrupting her with my atheism and my rotten family. Plus, he hates jews. “Why? So you can convert her?” He asked in a rough tone. “Um…” I sorta felt like messing with him. “Yes. I am.” “ANTHONY!!!! I’m coming! Lemme just put on my dress.” Amanda yelled from upstairs as her father just…stared at me. Amanda came down looking as gorgeous as ever. She was wearing a Green and red dress with those puffy things. “Wow.” I said, as Amanda blushed. “Don’t you damn convert her to your top spinning, candle lighting Kosher pickle eating sissie fest! ey boy!” “DAD!!!!” Amanda screamed holding my arm. “He’s been feeling really vulnerable, and you still treat him like nothing. He’s saved the world and to you he’s just a dirty jew?” She said. Wow. She’s standing up to her dad for me! “C’mon Anthony! Let’s go!” She said dragging me. ___________Oak’s_____________ We walked in to find that Mike was serving punch and Squeak and Rene were dancing to Jungle love. “Hey Amanda. Squeak finally got a girlfriend.” I said. “Yeah, maybe now he’ll stop stealing my underwear.” ….What? “C’mon Anthony! Gemme some punch kay?” She said putting on that cute little puppy dog face. I walked over to Mike to get the punch. “Yo, Mike! So this is your job?” I said sarcastically. “Hey man, I get mad chicks.” …yeah right. “Anyways, gimme some punch for Amanda.” I asked. “Ooooh. So your with her?” He teased. “…yeah….” I said shyly. He gave me some punch. “Go getter tiger.” That was…the gayest thing he ever said. I walked back to Amanda and saw her doing the robot. DAMN! She is perfect! I gotta do the robot now. I did the robot as good as I could…which wasn’t perfect. …. I just noticed something, there are real people singing up there!. I wonder… “Hey Amanda, will you ask Oak if I can sing on the stage?” I asked. She looked at me in disbelief. “Uh…okay.” Amanda went over. I could see by Oak’s expression that Amanda was using the puppy dog face. He mouthed “Oh okay”. I went up on stage and told the band members what to play. Everyone was worried about what I’d sing. The dreidel song? Nah. READY!?!?! “…Fuck Christmas.” I sang. The audience gasped. “It’s a waste of fucking time.” The audience booed. “Fuck Santa. He’s just out to get your dime!” The audience screamed. “Fuck holly, and fuck ivy and fuck all that mistletoe.” Mike, Squeak, Rene’ and Amanda were laughing their heads off. “White bearded, big fat bastards, ringing bells where ever you go…and bloated men in shopping malls, all going ‘ho ho ho’!” The audience was about to kill me. “It’s Fucking Christmas tiiiiime agaaaain!” I sang happily. “Fuck Christmas. It’s a fucking Disney show!” I signaled Charmeleon to come up to the stage. Lucky for me he knew the song. “Fuck Reindeer! And all that fucking snow!” Charmeleon sang happily. “Fuck carols and fuck Rudolph…” I sang and paused. “And his stupid fucking nose!” Me and Charmeleon both sang, laughing. The audience was stunned. “Fucking sleigh bells ringing. Everywhere you fucking go!” I sang. “Fuck stockings, and fuck shopping! It drives us all insane!” Charmeleon sang. “Go tell the elves, to fuck themselves!….” We got ready for the finisher! “It’s fucking Christmas tiiiiiime…agaaaain!!” We bowed and the audience booed furiously. “Why the hell are you guys booing?” I asked. “You are talking about Christmas so terribly!” Said Oak. “How the hell do think I feel when you bastards make fun of ME for being Jewish! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! And shut up! Okay? Who are you people to give me lectures about anything? All you do is just bitch about how ‘you didn’t get all the Christmas presents you wanted’! and You fucking COMPLAIN about your holiday! ‘Your lucky, you get presents for EIGHT DAYS’! Yeah, I get EIGHT FUCKING DRIEDELS! Honestly? The only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!” I yelled. Everyone was quite as I walked out. Unappreciated. _________5 minutes later__________ I could hear the music starting back up again. I wished I hadn’t sang that song. Charmeleon came up to me to warm me up. I was sitting on the outside of Oak’s lab, waiting for Amanda. I heard footsteps. Lot’s of footsteps. “Hey. Anthony. You were right. We were being total jerks.” Oak said? “Ho Really? You don’t have to tell me I’m right.” I said sarcastically. … “Dreidel, Dreidel Dreidel…” Amanda started to sing slowly. “I made you out of clay…” I sang. “Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel! With Dreidel I shall plaaaay” Me and Amanda sang together. And for the first time ever, she kissed me. And I don’t mean a “oh hey, howd’ya do?” kinda kiss, I mean a “I think your amazing” kinda kiss. ____________________ A few days went by, and everyone was referring to us as a couple. Heh… … You are a fucking couple. CHARMELEON! Who said you were allowed in here?!? _________________________ END!!! ---------------------------------- Sorry it was a bit late but…I finished right?