We've all seen Ash and his friends battling against the forces of evil as a 
tyke.  But what if he turned it into a career?  Let's find out!
=============================================================================
CHOSEN ONE CRISIS SUPPORT LINE
CALL TRANSCRIPT
SEPTEMBER 19TH
1432 HOURS ISLAND STANDARD TIME

HELLO, AND THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE 'CHOSEN ONE CRISIS SUPPORT LINE,' YOUR 
GLOBAL CHOICE FOR VANQUISHING EVIL.

BEFORE YOUR CALL IS FORWARDED TO AN OPERATOR, WE NEED TO ASK SOME GENERAL 
BACKGROUND INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR CRISIS IN ORDER TO BETTER SERVICE YOUR 
UNIQUE NEEDS.

IF YOU ARE PREPARING FOR OR ARE EXPERIENCING A NATURAL DISASTER, PRESS ONE.

IF YOUR CRISIS IS IN REGARDS TO AN ANCIENT ARTIFACT OF UNKNOWN OR MALEVOLENT 
INTENT, PRESS TWO.

IF YOUR CRISIS IS IN REGARDS TO A DEMON, PRESS THREE.

*BOOP*

YOU HAVE SELECTED THREE.

IF THIS IS CORRECT, PRESS ONE.  

IF-

*BOOP*

YOUR CRISIS REGARDS A [DEMON].  IF THE DEMON IS CURRENTLY CONTAINED, PRESS ONE.

IF YOUR DEMON IS CURRENTLY FREE, PRESS TWO.

IF-

*BOOP*

DOES YOUR DEMON ACT: ONE; BENEVOLENT, TWO; BENIGN, OR THREE; MALEVOLENT? 

*BOOP*

DOES YOUR DEMON APPEAR ANCIENT?  IF SO, PLEASE PRESS ONE.  IF YOU ARE UNSURE, 
PLEASE REMAIN ON THE LINE.  AN OPERATOR WILL BE WITH YOU MOMENTARILY.

[elevator version of REM's "End of the World"]

MISTY: Thank you for holding, this is Chosen One Crisis Support.  My name is 
Misty, how may I-

CALLER: OH GOD, please HELP ME!

MISTY: All right, sir, please remain calm.  Now, can you see the demon?

CALLER: It's HORRIBLE!  Those EYES!

MISTY: I'll take that as a yes.  Now, sir, I know you must be extremely 
perturbed at the moment, but I need for you to describe the demon to me.

CALLER: He.He's big, and-

MISTY: Well, how big?

CALLER: What?

MISTY: How big is the demon?

CALLER: CHRIST!  He just destroyed Maggie's house!  Stepped right through the 
roof, and.oh, OH GOD, MAAAAGGIIIIIIEEE!

MISTY: House.size. [pencil scribbling in background]  All right.  Now, sir, I've 
traced your call to Pittsburg.  Does this demon represent anything from 
mythology, either local or global?

CALLER: Those eyes!  It's like staring into the soul of LUCIFER!  Lord Jesus, 
why aren't you helping me?

MISTY: [more pencil noises]  Uh-huh.  Satanic.  You'd be surprised how many of 
those we get.

CALLER: NOT THE CHURCH!  OH, DEAR GOD!

MISTY: Now sir, please try to focus.  I need you to try and identify the demon.  
Does it have-

CALLER: He's.he's coming RIGHT at ME!

MISTY: [sighs] Sir, please don't interrupt.  Now, does the demon have any 
distinguishing characteristics?  A marking, perhaps, or certain facial-

CALLER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- [wet crunching noises]

MISTY: Sir?

[silence]

MISTY: [sighs]  Damn it.  Ash, warm up the jet.  We've got a two-thirteen in 
Pittsburg.

[distant groan in background before line cuts out]