A/N: Yes, the unthinkable has happened. I’m writing a non-one-shot story. This series centers around “my” Pokémon, rather than Pikachu, Totodile, etc. that appear in my regular ones. It is very insane and kinda funny, and I hope you like it. Also, I know there is no such word as “tentacled” but please bear with me. Enjoy!

Dedication: To Sarah for being the best friend ever ^^ This chappy's for you! Oh, and thankies for proofreading this for me. You are aware you’ll have to do all the other chapters as well, aren’t you?

Disclaimer: I don’t own Pokémon; but I DO own Sparky, Nwacha, Hlin, Dracoru, Sianne, Sarah, Terra and Kerrigan. And you can’t take them away from me! Well, unless you delete my Crystal and Ruby games, but if you did that you’d be dead before you hit the ground. Any questions?

***

---The Attack of the Household Objects---

It is a peaceful day in The Lair of Insanity, a large, modern-looking house situated on the border between Fortree and Lilycove. Too peaceful in fact; the absence of airborne baked goods and sounds of crashing light fixtures was totally unnerving to the house’s inhabitants. Dracoru, a Salamence looked up from his copy of “The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” to see if there was any direct reason for the odd silence.

Of course.

Dannichu and Sarah had gone to the Pokémon School in Rustbro for a week. They could be called “the owners of the house”, but only because they were the trainers of the Pokémon who lived there. They had no real ownership of the house, in fact, they, Sianne the Raichu and Sarah the Marshtomp were normally the culprits who brought it crashing to the ground. Dracoru sighed, grateful for the rest from having to re-design the house from scratch, but unnerved by the lack of crashes and screams.

“It sure is creepy without Sarah and Dannichu here.” Sparky, a Pikachu with ruffled hair and a bite in his tail muttered to himself, whilst trying to finish a jigsaw puzzle depicting a pack of Houndour. His best friend, Nwacha, an Umbreon with a pair of shades on his forehead nodded and put in the final puzzle piece.

“It feels empty. When they left, I was looking forward to the quiet, but it’s really unnerving.” He sat up and looked around, looking for something to do. “Maybe we should so and see what Sarah and Sianne are up to, it’s surprising they’ve stopped wrecking the house, even if Sarah and Dannichu have left.”

They packed away the puzzle and made their way across the corridor to Sianne’s room. Sparky knocked on the door and, on hearing a faint “Come in.”, entered.

Anybody could recognize Sianne’s room from a mile away. Nwacha actually pulled his shades over his eyes before going in. The walls were painted a fluorescent yellow, with bright pink bedcovers that clashed horribly with the lime green curtains hanging at the opposite end of the room.

“Oh, hi Nwacha, Sparky.” Sianne commented, flopping down on her bed. Sarah, who was also in the room looked up and leaned back against the vivid orange radiator.

“Hi. Are you bored too?” she asked, her voice scarily normal.

“Really, really bored. In fact so bored I miss you all crashing the house into dust.” Nwacha confessed. “Were you doing anything interesting?”

“Not really. We wanted to play Pokémon Colosseum, but Loanlee’s barred her door and if we try and break into her room again, we’re in danger of getting Bonemeranged.” Sarah sighed.

“I have an idea; who wants to go downstairs and make cheese, chocolate and pineapple pancakes?” Sianne suggested.

“Yeah, I don’t have anything better to do.” shrugged Nwacha and made his way into the kitchen, Sparky and Sarah in tow.

After burning the kitchen several times, Sarah’s Muddy Water at hand to put out any large fires and enlisting Wilber’s help in removing the odd pancake from the ceiling; they sat down at the dining room table with their pancakes.

“That was fun.” Nwacha said through a mouthful of pasta and cheesecake pancake.

“Yeah, I can’t believe I only got THREE out of five stuck to the ceiling! It’s my new record!” Sianne stated proudly.

“And I…” Sarah was interrupted by a loud whirring emitting from somewhere in the kitchen followed by a splatting noise.

Nwacha rolled his eyes and went into the kitchen to see what had happened.

“Uh, Sianne, you forgot to unplug the food processor after you liquidized your cucumbers in it.” He looked back into the dining room. “And now there’s a green mess on the ceiling because you forgot to put the lid on.”

Sparky shuddered into his ketchup, Nutri-Grain and lettuce pancake as Sianne leaped past him and entered the kitchen. The usually, thanks to Luke, spotless kitchen was covered with a green mush and in the centre was a food processor, spewing even more green goop over the room.

“Whoops.”

Nwacha rolled his eyes again and walked over to the plug to yank it out. On his way to the socket, he trod on an exceptionally large dollop of liquid-cucumber and slipped over, sliding all over the kitchen as if it were an ice-rink. Out-of-control, he did his best to avoid sliding into the food processor, which, having liquidized all the cucumber, was just sitting there, letting its deadly blades twirl around aimlessly. Unfortunately, this only resulted in him getting entangled in the power cord, and when you are on your belly, sliding over the kitchen floor whilst covered from head to tail in liquid cucumber, it is not the best position in the world to be in.

“Ack! Sianne, help!” Nwacha yelled, trying to use his two non-tangled-up paws to get away from the food processor, which was following him as he was tangled in the power cord. Sianne, seeing her friend was in trouble, and trouble does not get much worse than the situation Nwacha was in, dashed across the kitchen floor and grabbed the food processor away from Nwacha. However, one of the blades nicked the tip of her tail, and Sianne just saw red. She unleashed the most powerful Thunder attack she could on the food processor, the electricity shooting straight through the wire, frying poor Nwacha, who saw what was going to happen a second before it did, but was powerless to do anything to stop it, and up into the main socket, where the processor was plugged in. The socket exploded, sending a shower of sparks over Nwacha, who was yelling in pain from the electricity coursing through his body, and Sianne, who was still trying to give the evil food processor its rightful comeuppance. The processor suddenly began glowing a bright red colour, which gradually grew yellow and then white. Sianne failed to notice, instead just laughing evilly at her power over the murderous household object. Nwacha however, saw that the processor was nearing explosive point and managed to wriggle his way out of the extension cord, shake off the extra hundred volts coursing through his fur and dash into the dining room and warn Sarah and Sparky to hide under the table.

Sure enough, after Nwacha rugby-tackled Sparky to the ground, the kitchen exploded in a massive firework display of electricity, ruining the room completely. When the smoke cleared and dust settled, Sarah, Nwacha and Sparky could just make out Sianne sitting in the middle of what used to be the kitchen floor, looking slightly charred, holding the remains of a food processor in her paws, still laughing manically.

Upon hearing the massive explosion from the kitchen, Dracoru sighed and looked at the clock on his wall. He had lost the bet he had with himself. It had taken them more than two hours to destroy at least one room without Sarah and Dannichu. Folding over the page in his book and laying it carefully on his zigzag cushion, he made his way slowly to his Smeargle-style drawing board, put a pencil behind what would be his ear if he actually had ears and began re-designing the kitchen. So much for the break.

Sparky went over to help Sianne up from the rubble and lead her into the dining room. Sianne threw down the remains of the food processor onto the blackened floor as a sign of her victory.

“Hah! I rule supremely! Did you see me? That stupid blender thought it could cut my tail and get away with it!” she stuck her tongue out at the kitchen, “Nayh!”

Then they decided it was best to leave the dining room, as it was beginning to smell of charred kitchen so they made their way across the hallway to the living room, where they began fighting over the beanbag. Well, Sarah and Sianne did, at least. The living room was the biggest room in the house, with light blue wallpaper and a large light on the ceiling that looked as if it had once had large weights hanging from it. At the far corner there was a television and next to that was a cupboard labeled “Videos”. There was a navy sofa and a matching navy chair, a coffee table in the middle, a beanbag that was getting torn to pieces by Sarah and Sianne’s tugging and a small Christmas tree in the corner, even though it was Mid-February.

“It’s MY turn!” Sarah half-yelled, half-laughed, tugging the beanbag

“No! Miiiiine!” laughed Sianne, trying to yank the Pokéball beanbag off her friend.

Nwacha and Sparky raised their eyebrows at each other and looked in their video cupboard for a good film to watch.

“Let’s see… we’ve got “Mewtwo Vs. Mew”, “The Sisters of Cerulean City”, “Thunder Shock!”, “Pokémon 2000”, “Pikachu I Choose You!”, “Psychic Surprise”, Pokémon 3”, “The Great Race”, “Poké-Friends”, “Pikachu’s Winter Vacation”, “Fashion Victims”, “The Mystery of Mt. Moon”, “Primeape Problems”, “Mewtwo Returns”, “Seaside Pikachu”, “Fighting Tournament”, “Pokémon 4Ever”… and all those other Pokémon episodes Dannichu taped off the TV. Any preferences?”

“Pokémon 2000!” Sparky said immediately.

“You love that film, don’t you?” Nwacha heard the yells had stopped and looked over his shoulder to see a disgruntled Sarah sitting on the sofa and Sianne sitting triumphantly on the beanbag giving the peace sign, “I personally like Pikachu’s Winter Vacation”. It’s so festive”.

“Yeah, but it’s only about half an hour long!” Sarah had hopped off the couch and was looking over their shoulders “I like “The Mystery of Mt. Moon”.”

Sianne dragged herself over to the video cupboard whilst sitting on the beanbag and looked at the videos “Do we have the episode “Pikachu’s Goodbye” anywhere? I love that episode…”

“I think we do…” Nwacha began checking the labels of the taped episodes, but then Hlin the Charizard entered the room.

“Do you have any idea of the mess you made in the kitchen?” she asked grumpily.

Everyone looked accusingly at Sianne. “What? Suddenly it’s all MY fault?”

Hlin rolled her eyes “I should have known. Let me guess. The food processor did something and you used Thunderbolt on it?”

Nwacha laughed. “Close. She used Thunder on it.”

“So are you gonna watch a video now?”

“Yeah” Sarah picked up “The Mystery of Mt. Moon” and walked over to the VCR with it.

“Hey! Oh no you don’t, we haven’t all decided on one yet.” Nwacha pulled her back by the tail. Do you wanna watch a video with us, Hlin?”
”Yeah, it’s been a while since I watched something” she shrugged, “How about “Mewtwo Vs. Mew”?”

“Yeah!” Sparky agreed, putting back “Pokémon 2000” and picking up the other video “So can we watch this?”

“I wouldn’t mind watching it. I haven’t seen if for ages.” Nwacha said, he turned to Sarah and Sianne “what do you say guys?”

“Sure.”

“Fine!”

Sparky went over to the TV and turned it on while Sianne relocated her beanbag. Nwacha and Sarah settled down on the sofa and Hlin got a pack of corn and a bowl from the demolished kitchen and brought it onto the living room and used Ember on it until it popped. Sparky grabbed the remote control, went and turned off the lights and then joined Nwacha and Sarah, who was stuffing her face with popcorn, on the sofa.

They were about halfway through the film; everyone was quiet and just watching the screen, save for Sparky who had fallen asleep using Nwacha as a pillow, when there was a knock on the door. Not wanting to drag his eyes off the movie (they were at the bit where Mewtwo had just created the super-clones) he just yelled “Come in!” but the knocking continued. Irritated, Nwacha tried again; “Come IN!” but the constant knocking carried on. Nwacha was really annoyed now. He got up, waking Sparky with a jolt, and walked over to the door. He wrenched it open to see nobody there. He glared around to see if anyone was hiding, but couldn’t see anyone. “Terra, if that’s you, you can come in and watch it with us! Luke? Hypello? Whoever it is, stop it; we’re trying to watch a film here!”

He got no reply, but assumed whoever was knocking had heard. He shut the door, sat back on the sofa, apologised to Sparky and continued to watch the film. Five minutes later, right when the clones were fighting the original Pokémon, the knocking began again. Nwacha looked livid, so Sianne decided she should answer it. Sarah seized the opportunity and leaped onto the beanbag the moment Sianne got up. Sianne glared momentarily at Sarah and then went over to the door and opened it,. There was nothing there. The looked around and still saw nothing. Then she looked down and saw something very disturbing; a carbonized, dented food processor with tentacles was ‘staring’ up at her. Of course, Sianne, being Sianne, was not the least perturbed by this and merely it a death glare “So. We meet again.” she said, glowering at the processor.

The food processor stood its ground and just ‘glared’ up in its eye-lacking manner. Then it gave her the finger, or what she understood as the finger, as it had tentacles, not hands. Furious, she leaped after the mutated household object screaming hysterically as it sped away from her on its little tentacles.

Upon hearing Sianne’s scream of anger and then the loud banging noises that normally occurred when she was chasing something, normally Sarah, through the house, Nwacha paused the tape and he and Hlin went to try and clam her down. Sarah began hugging Sparky’s Pichu doll and squealing because Nwacha paused it at just the point where Pikachu cries because Ash is “dead”. Sparky had once again fallen asleep, this time leaning on his Altaria plushie and sucking his thumb.

“Sianne? Where are you?” Hlin called, searching through the room of the house, looking for the crazed Pokémon She opened the door to Kerrigan’s room to find the Absol putting on eyeliner in front of her mirror.

“Hi Kerri. Have you seen Sianne recently? She was chasing… something.” She pleaded.

“Nope sorry” Kerrigan shook her head sadly, but in doing so sent a cloud of pink powder all over herself, her table and Hlin. “Oh! Now look what I’ve done!” Hlin left, choking on the fine, pink powder. Where to try now? Maybe Luke! Yeah, Luke might know. Where would he be? Well, if his kitchen was destroyed, he’d probably be out in the garden. She was about to go back downstairs when she heard a loud whimper come from the bathroom. Hlin made her way to the bathroom, wondering why something would have whimpered. Upon opening it, she found out why; Sianne was hanging from the round bathroom light fixture looking terrified at the floor, which was covered by a whole hoard of household objects, ranging from saucepans to hole punches to a very dented and charred food processor, all sprouting tentacles and waving their various appendages menacingly at poor Sianne. She yelped as the stapler, which had a large sticker on, bearing the words “Property of Kadabra”, began throwing staples at her. Then Sianne suddenly noticed Hlin at the door, who was standing open-mouthed at the scene before her eyes.

“Hlin! Help me!” she shouted urgently, whilst trying to stop the tentacled alarm clock reaching her tail.

Upon hearing Sianne’s yell, most of the tentacle-bearing objects turned and faced Hlin. Hlin gazed at them all, waving handles, screws and plastic coating at her threateningly before scooting after her on their little tentacles. Hlin was terrified and looked around desperately for somewhere to hide. She looked around for a convenient place but saw the objects were catching up with her and she continued running. A particularly fast CD-ROM suddenly leapt past her, spinning around like a circular saw. She screamed and flapped her wings, flying above them. She flew down the stairs and saw with some satisfaction that some of the bits and pieces couldn’t make it down all the stairs and had to stay at the top, still vibrating evilly at her. However, more than half were stairs-capable and continued to race after her, their little tentacles pounding. She tore into the living room and slammed the door behind her and leant against it, panting heavily.

“Whatever is the matter, Hlin?” Sparky asked, waking up from his doze on hearing the door slam.

“There… there are a bunch of things with tentacles chasing me!” she yelled

Sparky turned to look at Sarah, who was still on the beanbag, hugging the Pichu doll and staring into the screen. Sparky sent a bolt of electricity at Sarah, who was unaffected by the attack, but turned to Sparky and Hlin. “What?”

“Hlin’s being chased by a load of maniacal, tentacled “things”.” Sarah’s expression turned guilty. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about this, would you?”

“What kind of “things”?” Sarah tried not to look guilty.

“Well… things, like can-openers and saucepans.” Hlin said, still holding the door against the door, which was threatening to break open because the objects were using themselves as battering rams.

“It wasn’t me.” Sarah folded her arms defiantly “I’ve never mutated a thing like that… just things like cheese… and slippers… things that aren’t metal. The Jenova Cells tend to rust them.”

“Well there are a whole hoard of things like that outside this door and torturing Sianne right now, and we need to know who created them!” Hlin yelled.

Sparky’s ears flicked up, like they did when he had an idea. “You went and took the popcorn out of the fridge, right Hlin?” he asked

“Yeah…” Hlin said slowly, unsure of what was coming next.

“Did you shut the door properly afterwards?”

“No, I saw no need. The kitchen was destroyed, and the fridge was totally back. We’d be getting another one in a few days.”

“Well then. Maybe the-” Sparky was cut off by Sarah.

“-Jenova cheese crawled out of the fridge and carbon-bonded to the food processor!” Sarah shouted “and then the Jenova processor went collecting other household objects and transferring cells onto them! It makes sense!”

Right at that second, the door burst open, almost crushing Hlin, and entered a stampede of tentacled objects. They went straight to the television and the terrified Pokémon could see the mutated things transferring their Jenova Cells onto the TV. The television suddenly grew tentacles and stood up. It looked around and saw Sarah, Sparky and Hlin and began running toward them. They all screamed and ran out the door.

“This is all your fault Hlin!” Sarah yelled, trying to outrace a speedy tentacled scanner.

“Mine? Who put the Jenova Cells in the fridge in the first place?” Hlin yelled back.

“Stop it! We need to get rid of these things!” Sparky screamed. It was very rare for Sparky to scream anything.

“Why don’t you use Flamethrower, Hlin?” Sarah suggested whilst running, “Your fire should melt the objects.”

“Good idea, Sarah!” Sparky agreed, “Give it a try Hlin!”

“Okay…” Hlin took a deep breath, turned around suddenly and fired a massive Flamethrower attack on the objects. They seemed to flail under the heat and intensity of the flames, but one of them, a Television remote control, leaped through the fire and hit Hlin in the jaw. “Ouch!”

“ACK!” Sarah yelled, the tentacled toaster leaping onto her back, trying to burn her. She fired a jet of water at it, and it rolled of, unharmed. It rejoined the stampede of psychopathic objects in their chase.

Meanwhile, Sianne was still trapped on the ceiling by a bunch of the tentacled monstrosities. She tried adjusting her grip on the spherical light to prevent herself falling off, but this only resulted in her losing her grasp completely and falling to the floor with a crash. The objects came marching towards her, like a group of army ants, but she leaped up and jumped onto one of the tentacled saucepans. From there, she took another well-aimed leap and landed on the scuttling printer. Then she jumped again, this time landing on the N64. She continued this until she misjudged one of her leaps and slipped of the CD player and fell onto the floor again. This time the objects closed in around her on their little tentacles, and she braced herself, waiting to feel a thousand mechanical objects beat her to a pulp. Suddenly there was a roar and all the objects “looked” up. Sianne removed her paws from her eyes and looked up to see Dracoru and Terra, the overly-speedy Flygon preparing to attack the evil items. Sianne used a Thunderbolt on the objects, which made them retreat from her by a few feet and dashed using Quick Attack to the door, where Dracoru was preparing a Flamethrower attack and Terra was whipping up a Sandstorm. Not three seconds later, the Pokémon released their respective attacks together and created a blisteringly hot fiery sandstorm, which melted a couple of the objects straight off. Terra and Dracoru looked at each other and Dracoru grabbed Sianne, put her on his back and flew up a few feet into the air. Terra also flew up, gave the look of building intense power, and then slammed down on the floor. The floor smashed on contact and all the objects fell down into the burnt-out kitchen, where Sarah, Hlin and Sparky were running from their hoard of maniacal tentacled objects.

“Quickly!” Dracoru shouted, seeing the objects had gotten over their sudden fright and were getting ready to team up with the other Jenova-objects and attack together. Hlin took the hint and grabbed Sparky and sat him on her back. Sarah leaped onto Dracoru’s back and all three flying Pokémon flew as high into the air as the bathroom ceiling would allow. They looked down into the kitchen through the hole in the floor and Hlin and Dracoru used the biggest Flamethrowers they could muster, melting another few objects. Sparky and Sianne made a midair jump (well, Sianne made the jump without a second thought, Sarah had to throw Sparky) onto Terra’s back and they together unleashed a huge Thunderbolt down into the kitchen. Dracoru and Hlin continued with their Flamethrowers and together they created an electrifying inferno in the once-called kitchen. Having finished their electrical attack, Sparky and Sianne were no longer in danger of hurting Dracoru and Hlin so they leaped back onto their relevant friends. Terra then flew down onto the melted and frazzled kitchen and began creating what resembled a Sandstorm. She danced around in a veil of sand before letting it all fall to the floor and immediately flying up with lightning fast agility. The few remaining Jenova-objects “looked” questionably at the harmless sand on the floor as if it was some kind of trick. It was. The second they scuttled over to inspect the sand more closely, the sand suddenly became liquid. They sank slowly into the quicksand, waving their little tentacles helplessly in the air. As the last one disappeared into the sandy-mud, all the quicksand disappeared as if it were never there, leaving just a completely charred floor in its place. All the Pokémon gave a huge sigh of relief.

Hlin, Terra and Dracoru flew down to the ground and the Pokémon on their backs hopped off. Sianne smiled madly; glad she had spent the last three hours not being bored. Sarah wiped her forehead and gaped at the mess in the kitchen. Sparky swore to never make pancakes again.

“So, how did you know I was in trouble?” Sianne asked Terra, who was performing loop-the-loops and Dracoru who was just sitting there.

“This house isn’t sound-proof you know.” Dracoru said, “We could hear the yells and bashes.”

“It was my idea! My idea to come and help you!” Terra smiled happily “Wasn’t the way I used Sand Tomb great?!”

“Thanks” sighed Hlin, still recovering from using such a powerful Flamethrower, “There’s no way we could have gotten rid of all of them by ourselves.”

“Well, I hope you learned something from this, Sianne.” Dracoru said, looking at the mad Raichu, who was pulling her ears for no reason.

“Oh, sure.” She said absent-mindedly, still twiddling her little twisty-things in her ears “Never bleep off a food processor. Got it.”

Dracoru sighed in the ‘why me?’ manner that Nwacha used so often and flew with Terra up the stairs into their rooms. As soon as he entered his room, Dracoru made his way over to his Smeargle drawing board and chewed the end of his pencil. How to make the new kitchen extra-durable…

Hlin pointed at the kitchen “Look what you caused! It’ll cost loads to re-build the kitchen!”

Sianne looked at the Charizard questionably “What does that matter? We have loads of money ever since you wrote that international bestseller; what was it? I forget, but what matter is we have loads of money!”
”That’s beside the point! It’s the principles that matter here!” Hlin shouted, not really angry, but bored again and wanting something to do.

“So… anyone want to order pizza?!” Sparky asked cheerfully.

“Yeah!” Sarah, Hlin and Sianne yelled simultaneously. Sparky smiled and reached for the phone.

***

“Um… hello? Anyone? Can anyone hear me…?” Nwacha shifted further back on the shelf of the airing cupboard, directly above an irate computer, which had tentacles. “This is the last time I go looking for Sianne….”

--- End of part 1 ---