By: Diamond Eevie
Part 1
Popeye and Bluto. Tom and Jerry. Me and my little brother. What do all of these names have in common? Yep, that’s right, these are some of the ugliest rivalries in the history of mankind. But what does this have to do with my story? I’ll give you a hint: Before you go on, see title above. (Hee hee, you’re gonna love this! I hope.) And now, without further adeiu, I present to you the greatest war of the century….
Brock, Misty, Pikachu, and Umbreon sat on the couch and watched Ash and his rival Gary play tug-o-war with the phone and argue over the toppings of the pizza they were trying to order. Misty sighed and Brock shook his head. Ash and Gary had been going at it for twenty minutes now, and Misty and Brock were rapidly becoming disgusted with the way the two trainers were acting. Finally, Misty couldn‘t take it anymore.
“That‘s enough! Both of you!”, she yelled as she jumped up from her seat. Ash and Gary froze and looked at her. “You two oughtta be ashamed of yourselves!”, she continued, letting the hot temper she was infamous for take over.
“Yeah, Misty‘s right“, Brock said angrily. He usually has a much cooler temper than his friends Ash and Misty, but right now he couldn‘t help being mad at Ash and Gary‘s ridiculously immature behavior. “What would Professor Oak and Tracy say if they saw you acting like this, huh? Do you think that they‘d feel they made a good move leaving you two in charge of things?”
When Brock said that, Gary looked down and shuffled his feet and Ash‘s face turned red. Professor Oak had called them both to come and take care of his house while he and Tracy left for Viridian City. They were informed of some sort of an epidemic that was breaking out amongst the bug pokemon around that area and causing them to become very sick. Finding the cause and cure of the epidemic would require at least three days of thorough studying and research day and night, and the Professor would need someone to take care of his house and the pokemon that resided there while he and Tracy were away. The fact that they chose Ash and Gary for the job only showed how much faith he had in them, not only as friends he can trust, but as capable and responsible young trainers. But at that moment, as Brock watched them fighting over what will be on top of their pizza, neither of the two boys looked capable or responsible enough for such an important job.
“The Professor is counting on you two to take care of things while he‘s gone“, Brock went on. “How are you gonna be able to do that if you can‘t even compromise with each other over something as trivial as this?”
The two rivals turned and glared at each other for a moment. Suddenly an idea crossed Ash‘s mind and he began to grin. “Hey, Gary“, he said as he let go of the phone, “I know a perfect way we can decide who gets to pick the toppings for the pizza.”
“Oh, yeah?”, Gary sneered. “What, you want me to kick your butt in a pokemon battle yet again?”
Ash reached into his pocket and pulled out a coin. “We‘ll flip for it“, he said. “Heads, I win and we get pepperoni. Tails, you win and we get sausage. ‘Zat sound fair to you?” Gary narrowed his eyes and regarded his rival suspiciously. Ash was up to something. “Good idea, Ash“, Misty said cheerfully, glad that at least one of them were starting to act with some sense. “What do you think, Brock?” “Sounds fair to me“, Brock offered, eager for peace. Why not give it a try, Gary?” “Hmph“, Gary said, still suspicious. “Alright, we‘ll try it.” Ash‘s grin grew wider and he tossed the coin at Brock. “Here, Brock. You flip it“, he said happily. “I don‘t want Gary whining that I wasn‘t being fair.” Brock positioned the coin on his thumb. “Okay, ready?”, he said. “Go!” And with that, he flipped the coin into the air, grabbed it as it came back down, and slammed it on top of the sitting-room table. Ash, Gary, and Misty gathered around Brock. “What’s it say? What’s it say?”, Misty asked excitedly. Brock lifted his hand. “It says”, he stated, “that we’ll be having pepperoni on our pizza.” “What!?”, Gary snapped. “Here, let me see that.” He bent down to view the coin on the table, and his heart sank. Sure enough, it was heads. “Aw, man! I don’t believe this!”, he said angrily. “Well, it was fair”, Misty reprimanded. “Complaining about it won’t do you any good.” “Yoink!”, Ash said with a triumphant smirk as he yanked the phone out of Gary’s hand. Gary glared daggers at his rival as Ash began dialing the pizza place. He then sat over on the couch and began to sulk. “Well, at least they’re not arguing anymore”, Brock said. “Yeah, I would like a large pizza with extra pepperoni”, Ash gloated into the receiver. Gary gritted his teeth. “And I would also like a two liter of Mountain Dew…” “No way, Ash”, Gary suddenly interrupted. “You may get to pick the pizza toppings, but you’re not ordering the pop! Besides, I don’t like Mountain Dew. It’s way too sweet and it makes my stomach turn. Get Pepsi, instead.” Ash turned and looked at Gary. “You wanna flip for it?”, he teased, then laughed. With a snarl, Gary snatched the coin off the table. “Fine, we’ll do that”, he said. “Let’s just see how lucky you can be twice.” Misty rolled her eyes heavenward. “Here we go again”, she said in an annoyed voice. “Why don’t you two chill out”, Brock said in a voice that was equally annoyed. He got no answer, for Ash was looking at Gary and Gary was busy inspecting the coin. A strange look of anger was on Gary‘s face. When he finally did speak, he was looking at Ash with a stare that would have frozen an Arbok. “Ash“, he growled, his voice thick with rage, “This is a double-headed coin.” Ash grinned. “Really? I never noticed“, he said in an innocent voice. “Ash, that wasn‘t fair“, Misty scolded. With a snarl, Gary leaped to take the phone from Ash. But his rival was quick. Ash merely leaned back and stuck his leg out, tripping Gary and making him fall flat on his stomach. He then turned his attention back towards the phone. “Yeah? It‘ll be here in about thirty minutes?”, he said. “Thanks! We‘ll see you soon!” He then hung up the phone “C‘mon, Pikachu!”, Ash said as he made a break for the study, ‘accidentally‘, stepping on Gary‘s back on the way. Pikachu leaped off the couch and was on his trainer‘s heels in a flash. Gary got up and lit out after him, so mad he could literally taste blood. But he was already too late. By the time Gary got to the study, the door was already shut and locked.
Gary started pounding on the door and yelling all sorts of expletives. Misty ran over to where Togepi was playing with blocks on the floor and covered his ears. “Hey! There‘s a baby in this room, ya know!”, she yelled angrily. “Come on, Misty. Let‘s get out of here“, Brock said with a sigh as he went towards the front door. “They‘re never gonna stop fighting. Maybe it‘ll be quieter over Ms. Ketchum‘s house.” “I agree with that“, Misty concurred. She picked up Togepi and followed Brock out the front door, leaving Gary to pound on and cuss at the door to the study. “Ash! Open this door! I ain‘t playing with you! I said open this door!“, he yelled. He grabbed the knob and started pulling at it, and got a nasty surprise as many volts of electricity made it‘s way up his arm and spread through the rest of his body. Gary screamed as he went through about five seconds of being electrocuted, then fell backwards and collapsed on the ground. “Bree!”, Umbreon cried as he rushed to his trainer‘s side to see if he was okay. “I‘m fine, Umbreon“, Gary croaked weakly. Suddenly he heard Ash and Pikachu giggling on the other side of the door, and he knew that Ash must have told Pikachu to charge the doorknob with electricity. Enraged, Gary got up off the floor and started rampaging through the house, trying to find the key to the study. About thirty minutes later he finally found the key in the small cherry-wood drawer standing by the front door. “You‘re dead meat now, Ashy-boy“, Gary said with a dark smile, thinking about how great it‘s gonna feel to break his foot off in Ash‘s cake-hole. But before he picked up the key, he heard a knock on the door. “Hm, probably the pizza guy“, he said as he went to go open it. Sure enough, there stood a man in a red uniform with a matching cap holding a box of pizza and a bottle of soda in his hands. “Okay, let‘s see here“, the guy said as he handed Gary the food, “That‘s one large pizza with extra pepperoni and a two liter of Mountain Dew. That‘ll be seven ninety-nine please.” Gary shuddered in disgust as he regarded the extra pepperoni pizza and Mountain Dew. “Okay, just one moment“, he replied. He went into the living room, put the pizza and the soda on the table, and went over to the wooden cabinet to get some change out of the glass bowl on the top shelf. He reached up to grab the bowl and froze as something caught his eye. It was a small white bottle of Poke-lax, the fast-acting laxitive his grandfather Professor Oak gave to pokemon that were constipated. It worked well and was so gentle on the stomach that it was also recommended for children over the age of five. An idea suddenly hit Gary and he began to smile wickedly. He got ten dollars out of the glass bowl and took the bottle of Poke-lax and put it in his pocket. He then went over to the pizza man and paid him the ten. “Keep the change“, he said cheerfully and closed the door. With a cruel snicker, he took the Poke-lax out of his pocket and regarded it carefully. “Ash“, he said with a smirk, “You‘re about to learn first-hand why it‘s a bad idea to cross Gary Oak.”
The door to the study slowly creaked open and Ash and Pikachu gingerly stuck their heads out. “Any sign of Gary, Pikachu?”, Ash asked as he looked around. “Chu“, Pikachu replied as he shook his head. Ash strained his ears to listen for any sign of his rival and he heard the television running upstairs. “Hm, he must be up there watching TV“, Ash said unconvincingly. “C‘mon, Pikachu. Let‘s see if the pizza‘s arrived. Stay on your guard.” “Pikachu“, Pikachu replied. They made their way to the sitting room, cautiously scanning their surroundings for any sign of an ambush from Gary and Umbreon. On the dining room table they saw the pizza box and the soda. “Alright! Man, am I hungry!”, Ash exclaimed, totally forgetting about Gary. “Pikachu! Get some glasses so we can pour ourselves some Mountain Dew!” “Pi-ka!”, Pikachu concurred and went to get the glasses. Ash regarded the pizza and saw two slices were missing. “Well, I guess Gary doesn‘t hate pepperoni as much as he thought“, Ash said with a smirk. ”Or maybe he just picked them all off? Ah, who cares?” He dove into the pizza, polishing off two slices before Pikachu showed up with the glasses. “Hey, Pikachu”, Ash said, gulping down the rest of his second piece. “Help yourself to some pizza while I pour the drinks.” “Pika-chu!”, Pikachu replied. He reached over to get himself a slice… and suddenly froze. “Pi-ka?”, he said with a perplexed looked on his face. He stared at the pizza quizzically, his ears going up and down. “Huh? Pikachu, what’s wrong?”, Ash said, noticing his pokemon’s odd behavior. Pikach didn’t answer. Instead, he bent down and started sniffing the pizza. A few seconds later he shot back up. “Piii-ka! Piii-ka!”, he pointed at the pizza and cried over and over again. “Pikachu, what is it?”, Ash asked urgently. “Is something wrong with the pizza?” Suddenly his stomach started to gurgle loudly and a sharp pain went through his abdomen. “Ooooh“, Ash said weakly as he fell to his knees. He grabbed his belly with both hands and moaned in unbearable agony. “Unh, what‘s wrong with me!?”, he said to himself. “What the heck was on that pizza!?” “Pi-ka?”, Pikachu said in an extremely worried voice. “Ooh, I can‘t take it anymore!”, Ash cried out. “I gotta go, now!” He got up and ran down the hall to the bathroom, but when he tried to go in, the door was locked. “Aargh!”, he cried. The pain in his belly was getting worse. Thinking Gary must have been in that bathroom, he raced upstairs as fast as he could and tried to get into the bathroom up there, which he also found locked.
”What the heck is going on!? Why are all the bathrooms locked!?”, Ash cried out. Suddenly he heard a soft laughter behind him. Ash turned and saw his rival Gary leaning against the wall with a cocky smirk on his face. His trusty Umbreon was at his side, as usual. “Well, would you look at that, Umbreon“, Gary said. “That laxitive actually does work well.” He looked at his watch. “And fast, too“, he said with a laugh. Ash felt a surge of rage go through him. “You!”, he yelled. “You did this! Why, you…you…I oughtta…” Ash‘s stomach gurgled again and he kneeled in torment. “Urrrughh“, he moaned weakly. Gary smiled and wagged his finger. “Tsk, tsk, Ashy-boy”, Gary said. “Be careful how you talk to me. You hurt my feelings and I won’t tell where the bathroom key is.” Ash looked up at Gary with hate. “Where is the key, Gary?”, he snarled. “Hmm. Where is that key?”, Gary said playfully as he tapped his chin. “I just can’t seem to recall. Maybe a little entertainment will help me remember.” “Gary, where is the key!”, Ash yelled, losing patience fast. He couldn’t hold out much longer. “Oh, I know!”, Gary said brightly. “You know that thing your mother used to make you do in front of company when we were little? The thing you hated so much that I thought was so hilarious? If you did that, maybe it would jog my memory.” Ash gritted his teeth. He would have loved to jump on Gary and pound him to a pulp, but in his current condition it was hard for him to even stand up. He also knew that the longer he didn‘t do what Gary wanted, the longer he would have to wait to get into the bathroom. Ash‘s gut churned with agony and anger as he forced himself to stand upright. He put his left hand on his hip, stuck his right arm outward, and proceeded to humiliate himself by singing:
“I‘m a little teapot, short and stout,
this is my handle, this is my spout.
When I get all steamed up, hear me shout,
Tip me over and pour me out.”
Gary grinned from ear to ear and applauded. “Bravo!! Bravo!! That was beautiful! Great performance! Okay, one more time, with feeling!” “Gary!”, Ash screamed, enraged. Gary brought his hands up. “Okay, okay“, he said. “Don‘t pop a vein, Ashy-boy. The key to the downstairs bathroom is in the brown box under the couch in the sitting room.” Ash practically flew down the stairs, narrowly missing Pikachu, who was about to come up and see how Ash was doing. He dove under the sitting-room couch and emerged with a brown tool box. “Yes!”, Ash said in a glad voice. He opened the box, and nearly choked at what he saw. There had to have been at least fifty small, silver keys in the box. “Gary!”, he yelled. “Yah?”, Gary called from upstairs. “Which key is it?”, Ash yelled. “I‘m not sure!”, Gary replied. “Maybe you should just try all of ‘em and see which one works!” Ash screamed an expletive, grabbed a handful of keys, and ran for the bathroom door.
Gary smiled from inside his bedroom as he heard Ash cussing him out while trying to unlock the bathroom door. He knew it was only a matter of time before Ash found the right key, but at that moment he was thoroughly enjoying himself. He leaned back on his bed, helped himself to his secret stash of Oreo cookies that he had hidden under his pillow, and indulged himself in sweet snacks and watching Law and Order. As he petted his Umbreon, who laid asleep at his side, he allowed himself a feeling of immense satisfaction at how he dealt with his adversary that night. Perhaps Ash now had a pretty good idea of the consequences to expect when screwing with Gary Oak. Or, better yet, maybe Ash learned that it‘s just not smart to screw with Gary Oak at all. Gary yawned loudly, relaxed, and let the sounds of Ash‘s rantings and prime time ABC lull him to sleep.
Gary‘s alarm clock went off, waking him up at 6:00 in the morning. He hit the snooze button, yawned, and stretched his legs. It was time to get up. He and Ash had a lot to do today. Gary smiled to himself as he remembered the prank he pulled on his rival last night. No doubt, Ash will try to retaliate, but Gary didn‘t care. He would simply get back at Ash again if he did. With a yawn he stood up, stretched his arms, and went for his chest of drawers. He pulled out a thick towel and headed for the bathroom. “Time for a nice, warm shower“, he said to himself as he hung his towel on the rack. He undressed, started running his water, and stepped into the shower. He felt a tingle of delight run through him as the falling water caressed his body with it‘s warmth. “Aaah, it just don‘t get any better than this“, he crooned with his eyes closed. “Pika“, said a small voice suddenly, startling him. Gary‘s eyes lit open and he looked down at his feet to behold… “Pikachu!”, Gary cried out in a startled voice. “What the heck are you doing in here!?” Pikach smiled as he looked up at Gary. “Pika“, he said, right before releasing a nasty thundershock attack straight at Gary. “Yaaurghh!”, Gary screamed as the voltage hit him square in his chest. He flew backwards against the wall behind him. “Uhnh!”, Gary said as his head hit the wall. “Chaaa!”, Pikachu said in a cheerful, babyish voice before jumping out of the shower and running out the bathroom door. With an expletive, Gary jumped out of the shower, wrapped as towel around his waist, and followed Pikachu out of the bathroom. Determined to catch Pikachu and wring his neck, he was hot on the pokemon‘s heels as they both raced down the stairway and out the front door. Any other time, Gary might have wondered why the front door was open. But at the moment he was just too mad. Pikachu ran into the bushes on the left side of the entrance to the house. Gary ran past the welcome mat and stood in front of the bushes. “Ash!”, he roared, “I know you‘re the one behind this! When I get my hands on you…” “Yoink!”, a voice said behind him as Gary‘s towel was snatched off his body, leaving him very, very exposed. With a startled cry, Gary instinctively hunched over and tried to shield his genitals from sight. He looked back just in time to see his rival and Pikachu run inside the house. “No!”, Gary cried, panic-stricken. He knew exactly what Ash was going to do. He ran for the door, but it was too late. Ash slammed the door shut and locked it, leaving Gary stranded outside and naked. Gary began pounding on the door in desperation. “Ash! Let me in! I‘m serious! Let me in, now!!”, he screamed. “Sorry, Gary“, he heard Ash say from the other side of the door, “but naked people aren‘t allowed inside the Professor‘s house.” Gary heard Ash laugh and he went ballistic. He started pounding frantically on the door and calling Ash every four letter word under the sun. But he knew it was to no avail, for Ash had him right where he wanted him. Desperate and helpless.
Ash and Pikachu enjoyed their breakfast in the dining room while Gary banged on the front door and screamed in fury. He smiled as he shoved another spoonful of cereal into his mouth. Fruit Loops had never tasted so good. Revenge was sweetest when it was against your greatest enemy. “Well“, he said, “I guess I‘ll let Gary in. After I feed the other pokemon, that is.” He laughed and got up to put his bowl in the sink. “C‘mon, Pikachu. Let‘s get to work.” “Pika-chu“, Pikachu replied and followed him out of the dining room.
Gary huddled, shivering, behind the bushes in front of his grandfather‘s house. His arms were wrapped around his shoulders. He had stopped pounding on the door five minutes ago and was now merely trying to keep his nude body concealed from the public eye. I can‘t believe he did this, Gary thought, enraged. I swear I‘ll get even. If only I had my pokemon…Suddenly an idea came to him. He remembered his Umbreon was still upstairs sleeping on his bed. Gary picked up a stick off the ground underneath him and looked up. His bedroom window was located directly above him. He focused his aim and, with a prayer that Umbreon wasn‘t too heavy a sleeper, threw the stick upwards and hit the window with it. He waited for two minutes, No response. He reached down, got another stick, and launched it upwards, again hitting the window. He waited for another thirty seconds before he saw Umbreon‘s face appear at the window. Umbreon cocked his head to the side and looked at his trainer quizzically, as if wondering why he was outside naked and hunched behind a bush. “Umbreon, I seriously need your help“, Gary called up to his pokemon. “I need you to look on my drawer by the bed and grab that golden key sitting underneath the lamp. Then I need you to bring it down here and push it under the front door. Can you do that for me?” Umbreon disappeared without a reply. Approximately one minute later a gold key was pushed outside under the front door. Gary wasted no time. He dove for the key, hastily unlocked the front door, and quickly went inside the house and closed the door, hoping that no one saw him. “Bre?”, Umbreon queried as he looked at his trainer with a puzzled expression. “Don‘t ask“, Gary grumbled as he ran upstairs to his room to put some clothes on. Hatred filled his heart with each step he took. This will not go unanswered, Ashy-boy, he thought with vows of vengance running through his mind. You wanted a fight, you got one. I‘m about to deal with you.
Ash stood up and wiped the sweat from his brow. “Well, that‘s the last one“, he said with satisfaction. He had finally finished pouring pokemon food into the dishes of all the pokemon on Professor Oak‘s plantation. It would have taken him all morning if Pikachu hadn‘t been there to help.
“They‘ve all been fed. Now it‘s time to let Gary off the hook.” He smiled and stretched his arms and legs. “”Maybe I‘ll make him dance and sing before I let him in, just like he did me“, Ash said with a wicked gleam in his eye. “C‘mon, Pikachu.” “Pika“, Pikachu replied as he went to follow his trainer. Ash took two steps towards the house before he suddenly stopped. An Ivysaur was heading straight for him. “Huh?”, said Ash thoughtfully. “Why isn‘t that Ivysaur eating it‘s breakfast?” “Chu“, Pikachu replied with a shrug. The Ivysaur stopped right in front of Ash and looked up at him. “Hey, Ivysaur, what‘s the matter?”, Ash asked in a friendly voice. “Did I forget to fill your dish?” Ash got no answer. Instead, Ivysaur released a thick cloud of sleep powder into the air around him and Pikachu. “Ooooh“, Ash said dreamily before falling to the ground in a dead sleep. “Piii-kaaa“, Pikachu mimicked before doing the same. Suddenly a human figure started walking towards the sleeping trainer and his pokemon from the house. It was Gary, and he has something in his right hand. When Gary finally got beside his Ivysaur, he reached down with is left hand and patted it on it‘s head. Good work, Ivysaur“, he said happily. He then looked down at his sleeping foe and smiled wickedly. “Ash, you‘re about to learn a very valuable lesson“, he said in a triumphant tone. He held up his right hand, which was holding a pair of battery-operated, automatic hair clippers. “You‘re about to learn that when you mess with the best, you die like the rest“, he said with an evil laugh. He flicked the switch on the clippers and they started to buzz…
Ash woke up to the feeling that someone was shaking him violently. He opened his eyes to behold Pikachu pushing him roughly on his shoulder and yelling “Pika! Pika!”, over and over. Ash yawned and sat up. “What is it, Pikachu?”, he asked in a puzzled and disoriented voice. Pikachu didn‘t say anything. Instead, he looked at Ash with a horrified expression on his face. What‘s wrong, Pikachu?”, Ash asked, alarmed. Pikachu merely reached over, picked up a mirror, and slowly held it up for Ash to see. “Hey, Pikachu, where did you get the mirror?”, Ash asked, confused. He looked into it at his reflection…
Gary was calmly reading a book in the living room when Ash suddenly burst in and eyed him with all the hatred that was possible for one person to have. Gary smiled icily and put down the book as he eyed his now completely hairless and eyebrow less rival. Well, I see he found the mirror I left for him, Gary thought with twisted glee.
“Hmmm, there‘s something different about you today, Ash“, he said with a smirk. “Let me guess, new haircut?” Gary then laughed until tears started rolling down his cheeks. Ash began to grind his teeth and his vision turned red. He was hardly even aware of Pikachu trying to give him his hat so he could cover up his bald head. All he could see was Gary. All he could think about was revenge. All he could feel was hate.
The war had now officially begun.