Dragonitemare presents

Pokemon Crystal series

Ep. 1

BREAKING INTO THE TOURNEY

Well, Team Toyboy has finally made it to the Johto league tournament after about a bzillion adventures. And Ash is carefully preparing in the final moments before his first round match

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Yeah, a dimwit like Ash....looks like he's preparing all right sarcasm)...good thing he's got company to keep him motivated...

"Well Pikachu...we're finally here, the Johto leagues!" remarks Ash with the confidence only a numbskull ten year old would have. "And we're gonna win aren't we Pikachu?" boldly proclaims our little Mr. Einstein.

"Pi Pikachu" pi's Pikachu.

"And after our victory today, it'll just be win after win until I'll be the Johto league champion" sez Ash.

"Well well well....I thought you promised me that you were goin to be humble this time around instead of flapping your trap" snaps Misty after she walks in reminding him of a promise they made for their relationship. After a few ay, ay, ay's from Ash, he smugly changes his attitude. Meanwhile, Brock who just stepped in to the room comments to Ash "I'm just waiting to find out who your opponent will be". "And I'm even more interested if your opponenet is gonna be cute" he adds and it's at that point, Ash, Misty, and Pikachu fall to the ground in classic anime fashion. And it sets up my first very dodgy self-made quote by Misty who gets right back up in Brock's face, "Well, at least I'll be around making sure you'll be on our side for this match."

...Well, I wonder how Misty is going to make sure of that...

"Well" mopes Brock, "I guess I'm still bounded by you guys" which causes Togepi to laugh,"Toge-toge-prii" right in his face. "You too, Togepi" moans Brock in

discomfort knowing full well what that evil egg is doing to Misty. That quote only the freaky eggy bastard more drunk with laughter.

Just outside his little boys' locker room...which Misty was allowed into, hmmmm...Ash looks up at a television monitor and sees that his nemesis and full-time loser Gary Oak has just won his first round match. Obviously the emotionally crippled little boy isn't impressed that his blood relative got a hard-earned victory. As we progress out towards the actual stadium, it is a very festive gala outside. Celebrities such as Regis Philbin, Diana Ross, and Paul McCartney are in the front row attending and rock band U2

is singing all of the national anthems.

Ash is impressed and somewhat intimidated. What little 12-year old boy who has never ever seen a celebrity bigger than daddy (Prof. Oak) wouldn't be, especially one as clueless as Ash Ketchum. That's the intensity of the Johto league or the presence of American writing. His opponent turns out to be a 23-year old blonde by the name of Holly Tomlinson. She's not totally hot-looking though, she's even got them red cheeks similar to Maisie (shudder).

But Brock the pimp doesn't discriminate..."Holly" drools the squinty-eyed love-starved Brock, "Some of Holly would look beautiful back in Pewter City". This triggers a backhand smash to Brock's head by Misty with the dodgy reminder, "What did I tell you?"

"Toge-toge-prii" adds Togepi which translates into "Yes, you'd better behave, because if you run off with that other broad, you'll hinder my plans for pokemon world domination! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" or something to that effect.

The announcer explains that the match will start out on an icy field. Then after two of one trainer's pokemon are eliminated, the surface will change to a rocky type surface for the remainder of the match.

"I hope you're ready to lose", warns Holly, "because I've made a career out of beating up little boys".

..............yikes...that's definitely more scary than sexy....so what does Ash have to say back after such a stunning remark?

............He calls 911 and has the bi-aattch arrested for making threats. Yay! Prison!

..........

.......... Just kidding! Ash is too stupid and officer Jenny is too lazy to actually god forbid arrest anyone. "Grrrrrr" he just grrrrr's back like the moron he is. Her remark also makes Brock start to purr, "I wish she.." but then he gets a very scary look from Misty. "I'll stop" he quickly tells Misty to avoid another bashing.

Then, the ref yells to begin with which we are taken to a scene outside the stadium where good old Team Rocket notices that Ash is ready to battle. "Look, the twerp is on" Jessie says. "Ooooh! Let me watch" James ooohs in gay fashion. "Me too", adds Meowth with Wobbuffet joining in afterwards. "Wow, the twoips we always get our asses beat by are on TV" adds Meowth. "We're famous" proclaims James. "I don't have time for your nonsense" Jessie admonishes the two, "we've got to sneak in there so we can grab Pikachu". "Then lets keep footin it towards the stadium" quips Meowth. "Then I'll finally be on camera" adds the scratch-cat which triggers a smack from Jessie. Then some others who come around don't like to watch pokemon battles complains that it's boring and ask the attendant to change the channel showing that MTV's Jackass is on.

So the terrific trio gets there and tries to sneak into the stadium. They are in the midst of sneaking in when they are stopped by an obvious 'roid-freak with a Machamp working for security.

"Umm excuse me....uh, err, umm, we're VIP's....umm....yeah VIP's" timidly remarks Jessie. "Like, yeah" adds James in a valley girl voice suddenly dressed up in a cute little cheerleader outfit along with Meowth, "we're Ash's official cheerleaders."

...........Well, actually when when you think about it, they are VIP's. The guy should let 'em through!.................Unfortunately for them, the security guy has to be a hard ass and orders the Machamp to use a cross chop attack which sends TR blasting. "Like, we're blasting off alreadyyyyyy!" they scream and then James adds "for sure!" He he he he he..

Meanwhile, back at the match, evil nanny Holly has called out Jynx (which I guess also looks like an evil nanny) and Ash....in his first Johto league match ever chooses the well-experienced .......

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.................................................Tauros.

????????????? Tauros? Tauros?! A pokemon that has been in a whopping....two matches? Yeah it's a good pokemon BUT if you were Ash Ketchum and you were in one of the biggest matches of your life, who the hell would you use as your first pokemon in the entire tourney? Oh well, Ash is still a moron.....so what are u going to do?

Tauros tries a Take Down attack but it is blocked by a reflect from Holly's Jynx. So Tauros counters with a Magnitude attack that does some damage. Jynx fights back with an Ice Punch that hits Tauros right on. Holly tries to have Jynx finish it off with a Blizzard but Tauros smashes right through the reflect with a huge Take Down attack to knock out Jynx.

With the victory Ash squeals confidently, "Now that's what I call breaking through the defenses". A quote which makes very little sense....must be the mastermind of Ash Ketchum in work (sarcasm again). Pikachu nevertheless agrees though since his only role model in life for the past few years has been dumbass Ash Ketchum.

Back outside, TR is frustrated at their failed attempt to break into the stadium. After James groans about the most recent blasting, ............ (GETCHA MIND OUTTA THE GUTTA!!!!)

Meowth brings out another mechanical flying thingymajigy via remote control that was hiding in a small, nearby forest. He introduces it as the flying Pidgeot-plane-bot which makes Jessie and James smack around Meowth for a few moments furious that he didn't bring it out before they tried to get in there the first time. Meowth tried to explain that must

have accidentally had amnesia while going in the first time.

J & J agree until Jessie remember with a sudden burst of pokemon knowledge, "Wait a minute! Meowths can't learn Amnesia!" this to another boot up Meowth's ass. Then Meowth gets them to agree to get in the Pidgeot-plane-bot and fly above the stadium. And James, sounding as gay as ever shouts out "Up, up, and away!"

Back in the stadium, Holly has called out a Mantine, a sting ray type pokemon as her second pokemon. Idiot Ash just sees it and thinks it's beached so he orders Tauros to use another take down attack but as anyone with a higher IQ than Ash (which is about 99.9% of the world population) would know, evil babysitter Holly had something up her sleeve. She orders Mantine to swim below the ice surface to avoid Tauros. It then flies up above the surface and uses a wing attack to finish off Tauros.

"I bet none of your other pokemon can beat my Mantine.... especially not your little Pikachu mascot on your shoulder" snorts Holly with Mantine in front of her.

Oh no she didn't! OH NO SHE DIDN'T! She did not just insult the the pride and joy of the pokemon empire. She broke one of the three commandments of the pokemon world. They are:

1. Respect thee less intelligent than you for they usually become better pokemon trainers than than thou.

2. Thou shalt not mess with Charizard.

3. Thou shall not insult the world's (Nintendo Corp.'s) favorite electric yellow mouse.

Of course this makes Ash react the one way his pint-sized brain knows how to react. "Grrrrrrrrr" is all he can grrrr.

He then turns to Pikachu and tells it, "Come on Pikachu...let's show them how strong you really are". And then Pikachu grrrrrr's right after Ash's motivational speech.

So Pikachu jumps onto the field to battle. Oh gee, I wonder if Ash might tell Pikachu to use a Thunderbolt.

"Thunderbolt Pikachu" he shouts

Oh boy...wasn't I right on the mark (sarcasm).

Anyway Holly orders Mantine to dive underwater to avoid the attack. Ash grins somewhat evilly thinking he's got Mantine trapped. But after Pikachu tries another Thunderbolt, Mantine escapes from the water and leaps into the air avoiding the blast. Mantine then hits Pikachu with an icy wind attack and a double-edge attack. But then Pikachu fights back with a double-edge of his own which leaves Mantine stunned. This allows Pikachu to hit it with a thunder attack to finish off Mantine.

After the announcer declares Mantine out. Ash and Pikachu shout in joy. "No matter where you go no one can escape Pikachu when it has been messed with" shouts Ash towards Holly. And it is at that point when a pair of robotic hands come down from above and grab Pikachu. "Pikachu!" yells Ash. He then looks up and shouts "hey!" at the Pidgeot-plane-bot flying above it. Misty and Brock notice the machine and have realized who is inside....have you? Very goooood it's TR...here take a sticker, you've earned it. Misty quips, "Here we go again" after which TR does it's trademark laugh and then its motto....

"Ahahahahahahahahahah....prepare for trouble in your first-round match", declares Jessie.

"And make it double we've got Pikachu in our stash", declares James.

"To protect the world from devastation"

"To unite all peoples within our nation"

"To denounce the evils of truth and love"

"To extend our reach to the stars above"

"Jessie"

"James"

"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light"

"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight"

"Meowth, that's right"

"Who are you?" shouts the increasingly annoying Holly.

"Why don't you listen to the motto?" shouts back Meowth. Yeah bitch...why don't you? Or are you too busy abusing the little boys that you babysit huh?

"Team Rocket" gripes Ash the way he has griped hundreds of times before. They tell Ash that they are going to fly away with Pikachu. Ash responds, "But you'll make me lose if you take Pikachu...you wouldn't want that would you" he adds squeamishly.

??????????????????? hmmmmm let's think about this for a moment....if you've been ruining their lives and have been beating them in matches for the past three years making their lives miserable, would you think they care whether you won or lost huh? Well, at least you don't much real intelligence to be a pokemon master I mean, Ash left home at ten, TEN. Just like you don't need any intelligence to be a star on Baywatch either.

Ash tells Pikachu to use a thunder attack but it doesn't affect the occupants inside. So Ash calls out Noctowl to try to get Pikachu back.

Oh but TR was ready for this too. They're actually prepared this time.... impressive..... sort of. "Ahahaha" laughs Jessie, "If that birdbrain thinks it can mess with our bird, then we have something that will make it squawk!".

Hmmm, now what would make a trippin', twitchin' Noctowl squawk? Hmmmmm............

...............4:20?

...............A cloud of xstasy powder?

............... Oooooh! I know! I know!......uh....Bird Porno!...yeah????????

...............

...............Actually, it's not that but it's something nearly as gross. TR fires a homing missile which comes

seemingly out of the Pidgeot's ass.... you know, I guess you could call it a fart rocket. Anyway, the thing scores a direct hit on Noctowl and it takes a long nosedive to the ground.

After Ash calls it back and yells wistfully at Pikachu, the 'roid-freak security guy comes in along with the Machamp. He notices TR from before and orders Machamp to bring down their machine somehow. ??????ok?? i guess all it has to do is sing to itself "I believe I can fly.... I believe I can touch the sky.... etc."

Actually, in an amazing display of performance enhancement drugs, the Machamp leaps all the way up to the Pidgeot-plane-bot. It smashes the talons to free Pikachu and then

it breaks one of the wings to ground TR. Ash is impressed watching this as any young boy would be watching an athlete (human or pokemon) do ridiculously impossible things. When TR comes to, they are confronted by an angry security bro as well as Ash and Pikachu.

"Grounded again" mutters James. "Hey, look on the bright side!" says Meowth dejectedly, "at least we got on TV." "Pikachu.... thunder!" yells Ash not giving TR any time in the spotlight as usual. TR gets shocked and then a powerful kick from Machamp sends them blasting off.

"Looks like Team Rocket is blasting off the air" they yell, flying into the distance.

After the usual TR disruption, the match continues. Holly, who looks pissed now, sends out a Graveler as her final pokemon. Ash tries to send out Pikachu but unfortunately,

TR wore out Pikachu so Ash had to take Pikachu out leaving him with one more pokemon. Afraid that Totodile might whack out in the middle of such an important match, Ash decides to go with a more experienced pokemon. So Ash chooses Bulbasaur to face Graveler one on one for the match.

Graveler starts with a rollout and hits Bulbasaur who tries to counter with vine whip. But the graveler is quick and dodges the vine whips. Graveler keeps attacking with rollout until Ash decides to wake up from his little daydream about something pokemon I’m sure and decides to do something about it. He orders Bulbasaur to use a razor leaf that stops Graveler dead in its tracks. This gives Bulbasaur time to power up its solar beam but before it can get it off, Holly sees it and tells Graveler to use a mud slap attack. Ash tells Bulbasaur to look out, afraid it will hit Bulbasaur and it'll be blinded which will make it unable to use solar beam. But before Graveler's attack hits Bulbasaur, Bulbasaur leaps above it and fires a direct hit with it's solar beam knocking out Graveler and giving the victory to Ash. This leaves Holly pissed but also impressed at the ability of Ash and his pokemon.

After bragging about his victory, Misty and Brock come down to celebrate with him. "That was fantastic Ash" shouts Misty, wanting him more and more by the second. "I had fantastic behavior, too" pleads Brock, also wanting a piece of Misty. "You know, you really didn't behave so badly considering" states Misty. "Come on, let's tell Prof. Oak and my mom about my victory!" states a charged up, brickheaded Ash not knowing he's going to get some fine Misty lovin tonight. Even more brickheaded is the fact that he ran and left the interviewers, Brock, Misty, and even

Pikachu behind.

Meanwhile, back outside the stadium, we see Team Rocket limping but looking like they're somewhat happy. "Well, we're finally getting the airtime we desoive" says Meowth quietly. "Maybe blasting off wasn't so bad this time", wearily remarks Jessie as we see them facing a camera.

"Finally, we're gonna be stars....... but do we really have to do it this way?" asks James. Then it zooms out to reveal a bunch of punk guys heckling them as well as a couple of bike ramps spread out about thirty feet (or if you prefer about ten meters) feet apart and we see someone or something on a motor bike apparently attempting to cross it. But as it zooms in, we see that the rider is really Wobbuffet with a really big helmet on. "You ready to ride killer?" says Johnny Knoxville. "Wobb" replies Wobbuffet. A crew man comes in to say, "Jackass, Pokemon Bike Stunt, Take 4 and action".

Wobbuffet doesn't know how to step on the petal so Knoxville simply pushes the bike up the ramp. The bike goes up and it appears that not only is it going to be short, but it's going to land right on Team Rocket. "Waaaah! It's gonna crash" yells Meowth as it readies to land the terrific trio. "So are we" moans James.

To Be Continued