Dragonitemare presents

Pokemon Crystal series

Ep. 27

Well now that the Saffron City gym is done with and Crystal has won her second gym badge, we see Crystal and Co. once again chatting via videophone with Old Man Oak at the pokemon center. Crystal is sending a pokeball into the transporter back with Prof. Oak and is getting back another pokeball in return. "Hey Pikachu... how did you guys do?", wonders Oaky. "All good news here Professor, I was able to win a golden marsh badge.... and Heracross helped me to win it...", replies Crystal. Oaky says that that's great to hear as Heracross pops back up behind the dirty professor as Kingler also walks by in the background. He greets Pikachu and Sandshrew who greet him back probably thinking, "Hope you and your sick swingin poke-friends are hangin in there..... ya perverts."

Then Justin asks the Professor about where they should go for the next gym. But all the professor can tell the kids is that there are several gyms within the region and that they could go one of several ways. The dirty professor adds that they shouldn't have to rush through everything and that they can also take some time off if they want. And in effect, the Professor has set the course for the fanfic with our threesome now going to stop every five minutes for some cheap adventure involving some pokemon just like Ash did.

"Okay Professor... that sounds like a good idea. Ok, we have to go now so I can see my pokemon... I'll be sure to talk to you later. Take care Heracross and Kingler...", Cris-tal excuses so she can see her pokemon brought in by Nurse Joy who tells her that her pokemon are all fighting fit (whatever the hell that means) as she returns her pokeballs to her. She then wonders whom they're going to challenge next but Justin comes up to her in a suave way and thinks aloud, "Well we were thinkin about which gym to go to next. But I like the professor's idea of taking a day off for some fun."

Misty also likes the idea except that none of them know about what there is to do along their way to the nearest gym. Crystal adds that she also can't exactly just be sidetracked on her training and normal routine (No kidding .... with her routine....). "Well I'm sure there'll be something along the way that we'll all be interested in like maybe a junior nightclub or something", ponders Justin cuz we all know how we all frequented junior nightclubs.

"I know!", shouts Misty, "How about we all see a movie!" Justin, Crystal and the pokemon rejoice at this even though the pokemon probably won't be allowed in to the theater. "That's a great idea.... and there's a theaterplex right around the block", says Nurse Joy. "Ok... well what's playing there?", asks Justin. But Nurse Joy responds while checking the newspaper, "According to this, the movies currently playing are Glitter, Vanilla Sky, Black Knight, and It's a Rocketshippy World After All."

This makes the threesome and Pikachu sag as Misty says, "Maybe it won't be a movie date for us...." Ehhh...... ah hell... make of that what you will. "So what else could we do on our day off??", wonders Justin But then, the guru of all things about the series that is Nurse Joy suggests that she may have an idea that they all will be thrilled with.

<cue intro>

"A day of rafting along the Kanto River.... that doesn't sound that bad!", thinks Justin. Crystal adds dodgily, "We can relax floating on the river and then we can all get wet...." "Plus Crystal, there may be some pokemon trainers there that you may get an opportunity to battle against...", suggests Misty in a bright tone of voice as she talks to Crystal. Wonder what that could indicate...... hmm? Crystal agrees that it sounds great and declares, "Okay everyone..... let's hit the water!!" "Pikachu!!", adds Pikachu with just as much enthusiasm.

When they get there, they see many many people there with their water pokemon. Many of the trainer are using their pokemon to float on the river in essence treating their pokemon as nothing but objects which goes against the teachings of pokemon and Ash Ketchum that pokemon need to be your friends, too! "What are we waiting for??? Let's hop on in!", shouts Misty who seems really eager to get wet.

.............................No really.

Looking back on the Pokemon series, was there a moment where Misty did NOT want to get wet when there was a straight male character around?? Ever?? But Crystal then reads a sign that dismays her. She reads it aloud to her threeesome buddies when prompted what's wrong by Justin. "Hello and welcome to the Kanto River Pokemon Park of Saffron City. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.... No rafts are provided by the park system, people must use pokemon if they want to do their rafting", she reads (very well I might add). Well since the government has gotten cheap and the Republicans have slashed the parks budget, it seems like our twerps are out of luck as mopes Misty.

"Nurse Joy didn't tell us about this.... we won't be able to float on this river with any of my water pokemon...", she remarks. But Justin comes up clutch telling that they do have a pokemon that they can board onto the river. "We do?", wonders Misty obviously missing a memory in her brain at the moment. Justin confirms this and he throws out Gyarados into the river. So it looks like our threesome, Pikachu, and Sandshrew will all be aboard a giant turquoise scaly fish today.

That's gotta scream dodginess somehow......... right?

Misty's eyes light up as she claims she forgot that they could ride Gyarados on the river. Cris-tal then soon declares, "Well, let's get ourselves and our drinks on board and have some fun....", holding up a 6-pack of some kind of orange beverage (which in anime signifies beer). "Sandshrew!", yells the sandy rodent ready to get f*cked up. So the three of them are lying on Gyarados in their, ahem, swim attire getting a nice tan as Pikachu and Sandshrew.....uh er..... play... yeah, play!! Misty then reminds them that they can let their water pokemon out for a swim.

"Oh yeah... I almost forgot!", says Justin in his shades sippin' down his bruskie. Misty throws out her group of swimmers first consisting of Goldeen, Poliwhirl, and the hya-ing Staryu and they go swimming around the river. Justin tells Kabutops that it can also come out which it does to the most unmistakable cry of, "Kabutopsss!" Crystal also get in on this throwing out water pokemon phenomenon and throws out Totodile who insanely splashes around near Gyarados even causing the big monster to flinch.

"Okay everyone.... go have fun, stay out of trouble and stay with a buddy!", shouts Misty sending them off as they go splash away. Goldeen is somehow jumping through and around Staryu while Poliwhirl seems to float spaced out on the surface. Totodile though is still splashing around, playing with other park-goers' pokemon as little boys and girls gush over how adorable Totodile is.

If only female water pokemon gushed over Totodile the same way, Totodile would be the number one mack daddy on the show. But until then, the title will stay with..... um..... I guess Prof. Oak. He's kinda a mack daddy in a sick, twisted way.

Totodile is even using its water to 'pole vault' out of and back into the water a couple of times. He then spots another sight worth seeing..... it seems a hot piece of Marill ass floating away far downstream. Totodile chases after Marrill down the river but Marill goes to the shore as Totodile gets there. The wound up gator pokemon stops when it reaches Marill and starts doing its insane jig really quickly. Marill hears some commotion in the water with its super sensitive hearing but when she turns around she sees absolutely nothing. Totodile continues to dance like a ball of energy until it stops on dime knowing that

1) he's lost site of that hot piece of Marill ass

2) the current is pulling him down the river faster than normal and Totodile can't swim against it

3) Totodile is being swept away in a strong river current!!!

Fortunately as Totodile is being swept away, Kabutops is able to notice Totodile being swept away down the river as it flutters its little blue arms like a hummingbird. As we witness Totodile comin' down the mighty Mississip... whoops.. I mean Kanto River, the magic of literature helps zoom several miles downriver where we see Team Rocket camping out.

And they seem rather content about it.............. ........................... they do... they do!!

"Ahhh... Camping like this takes me way back. All the way back to when I was a tot camping out with grandpapaa in the backwoods of our mansion", reminisces James. "This is no time for your nostagia reminding us of things we didn't have as kids", snaps Jessie. "Yeah", adds Meowth, "Let's just camp ere en relax fer a change, not havin ta worry about those snivelin' twoips! So watt should we do now??!!" he asks as he guzzles down what looks to be a beer (orange beverage) while music from the new U2 album plays out of their stereo.

"I know.... let's roast some s'mores over the campfire", suggests James. "Heeey.... that's a pretty good idea there James... you finally learned how to use your brain for once", says Jessie. "I gots da marshmallows!!!!", exults Meowth display a bag of stay-puff marshmallows. "Okay then.... I'll just get the fire going and we can enjoy some smores", squeals Jessie bending over to stoke the fire (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTAS!!). "Wooooooooooooobbbuuuuhhhffet!!", shouts Wobbuffet popping out obviously wanting to share in the camping experience. "Sorry, we only have three marshmallows, unless you want to be the fourth one roasted...", states Jessie. Wobbuffet gets sucked up into its pokeball after crying out, "WOOOOOOBBB!!", once more.

So the TR members are roasting their marshmallows over the fire and Meowth exclaims, "Ahhhhhhh, what a beautiful day! Da weatha's so beautiful dat I'm gonna do a little sightseein'", and he takes out some binoculars to look around up the river. Jessie gushes that its so toasty by the fire and that she can imagine how good that s'more will taste in her mouth (lucky smore). "Ahhhh", relaxes Meowth as he then picks up a strange scene happening up the river. It looks like a Totodile washed away in the river.

"Hey guys!!", shouts Meowth frantically, "I tink I see a Totodile comin' down da river at 10:00", even though it was the middle of the afternoon. "Really?", asks Jessie with James adding, "The boss will love it if we get him a Totodile." "And I tink dat looks like da twoips' Totodile!!!", states Meowth. "What should we do?", wonders Jessie. James answers her, "Forget about it.... we're supposed to be camping!" "YOU MORON!!!", screams Meowth scratching James's face making him dance all over in pain and go 'Eeeeeee' and 'Ooooooh' just the way we love him to. "Well we can't just go in dere cuz da current will sweep us away. We're gonna hafta go down da river to find somewhere where we can set up en catch Totodile", says Meowth. "Sounds good, Meowth!", says James recovering from squealing a second ago, "It's like Team Rocket's very own rescue hero mission!!" Jessie laughs as they all shouts, "Don't worry Totodile, we're coming to the rescue!!"

Kabutops rushes back to the folks on Gyarados as it frantically tries to tell them about Totodile. "Kabutops!! Kabu kabu kabutopsss!!!", it says to the threesome as Pikachu utters, "Pika..... pi-pikachu!", frantically. Crystal tries to figure out what they're saying as then Justin frets figuring out somehow through the magic of pokemon that Totodile has been swept away down river. The girls gasp in panic as Crystal demands that they have to go after the wily gator. They agree as they all quickly call back the rest of their water pokemon except for Gyarados.

"How are we going to go after Totodile down the river??", wonders Misty. Justin answers by telling Gyarados that they need it to carry them down the river so they can go after Totodile. Justin then tells the girls about the useful advantages of Gyarados saying that its size can help it navigate even in swift currents. "Well... we're lucky you have one", remarks Crystal sounding only mildly impressed and then they're ready to cruise down the river.

Back with TR, Jessie beams as she spots a tree branch hanging over the entire length of the river. Hmm.................. must be some pretty damn rugged terrain... "All right we can camp out up dere en wait for our catch ta float right inta our net!", explains Meowth. "Roger", says James in compliance and remembrance. The threesome are now riding down the river on Gyarados looking for Totodile at the same time. "See Totodile?", wonders Crystal looking desperate for a hit of anything right about now. "Nothin....... wait a minute... I see it way down there!!!", says Justin. He then tells Gyarados to hurry after Totodile as they are unknowingly floating right towards TR's trap.

"Here comes Totodile...... get that net ready, James!!", demands Jessie like the boss that she is. "All ready", complies James as they all lay on top of the thick branch lying over the length of the river. The net is set as Totodile is coming right at them down the river. They seem all giddy until the twerps come into TR's picture from the top of the river. As they approach TR, Gyarados is causing the tide to get really large and choppy. Thus, just as TR is about to net Totodile, the twerps on Gyarados are coming down really fast catching up to Totodile.

This creates a giant wave that swallows up Team Rocket letting Totodile squirm away down the river. Gyarados and the twerps ride on the wave right over the branch where Team Rocket is. Justin sees Totodile still wildly flapping its arms (perhaps it could be a robot with all the 'energy' its using) as its swimming ahead of Gyarados and the threesome. But then, Misty in horror notices that there's a waterfall ahead and notes that if they don't rescue Totodile, it'll be in a permanent downfall.

This recognition by Misty happens while back upstream a short distance, Team Rocket is sobbing and moaning wondering what happened. "What the hell just happened??", is what Jessie realistically said though that is not what the translators at 4Kids would have her utter. "A current from the river swallowed us up...", whines James while the unwhiny Wobbuffet pops up shouting, "Woooooooooooooooobbbuuuuuhhffet!!!", saluting TR even though they're panicking as they're all being swept down the river.

Happy power must be keeping Wobbuffet afloat while its saluting.... it's like that Koffing magic that keeps that cuddly purple ball of gas smiling.

As Gyarados catches up to Totodile, Cris-tal decides to act and she throws out Bulbasaur coming out to its catch cry, "Bulbasaaaaurrr!!!" Bulbasaur stands on the head of Gyarados and then uses its vine whips to pluck Totodile out of the water and onto the back of Gyarados. Crystal hugs Totodile who's still shaking its limbs as its being hugged. "I hope I never get a scare like that again, Totodile!", remarks a somewhat relieved Crystal.

But Justin interrupts saying, "I hate to burst your bubble but we're heading downstream............ Way downstream!!!!", as they are also approaching the waterfall and even Gyarados is unable to swim away from the current pulling them to the edge of the nearly 50 foot (??? km's) tall waterfall. The threesome all shout along with Pikachu, Sandshrew, and Bulbasaur. Totodile is so stunned by the height of the waterfall it was going over before he was rescued but now is going over anyway that it can only remark, "To-to....".

<cue commercial break> Who's that pokemon???? (Some say this pokemon looks like a schlong)

It's Diglett!!! ..................................."Diglett!!!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-oooooooooooohhh!!!", they all yell with Sandshrew panicking, "Saaaaaaaaaaaaandshreeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!!!" "We're gonna faaaaaaaaaaaallll!!", yells Misty as they all yell going over the waterfall. They all fly down the cliff and eventually Gyarados plunges head first into the water and they don't come up out of the water.

So it appears as if that is it...... after a nice little run for Crystal who got some valuable friends and pokemon from Ash which helped her win two gym badges, it looks like their journey has sadly come to an end due to a wildly out of control river. And doesn't that just suck??? well.... doesn't it??

So we watch the river flow along while our twerps have seemingly drowned underneath the mighty Kanto River and............ wait a second.... the threesome pop up as we notice Crystal spit some water out of her mouth. Gyarados, Sandshrew and Pikachu also pop up out of the water doggy paddling as if they're not even hurt.

What??? You asking me why I told you they were dead when we all knew full well that they were alive??? Well it's a joke!!!!! Get over it, damnit!!!!

Justin coughs away his share of the water and asks if everyone is okay. When Crystal gives a thumbs up saying she fine, Justin suggests that everyone get back on Gyarados. So now everyone is riding back on Gyarados totally okay after plummeting down a fifty foot waterfall.

................................. uh.... right!!! How do these drunk-assed writers come up with this sh*t???!!!

How did they survive such a drop into water that isn't totally deep??? Well, TR gets blasted off hundreds of times and they're totally okay....... they must have stolen their mojo!! Now that goes too far damnit!!! Stealing their pride is bad enough but their mojo???? Those twerps should be ashamed of themselves!!! For shame poke-protagonists.............. for shame!!!

In any event, once its realized that they're all fine, Crystal informs the viewing world that they're fortunate the water was so deep around the bottom of the waterfall. "Yeah", agrees Justin who then orders Gyarados, "Okay Gyarados, get us all to shore!!" But then Justin notices Gyarados isn't pulling over for some reason so he asks, "Is there something wrong Gyarados??" And Misty, being the water expert of the group frets when she notices that there are big, powerful cyclones lining the edges of both rivers.

And if that isn't bad enough for our protagonists, after the cyclone are high walls of rock surrounding the river on both sides as they approach some seriously mean looking rapids. They all yell as Justin frantically states, "The river is even wilder here than it was above the waterfall!!!" They all scream for their lives and most notable, so does Pikachu screaming, "Piiiiiiiiiiiiikaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

Back upstream, Team Rocket is washing themselves away down the Kanto River. With Wobbuffet floating and saluting in the background, Jessie tells her team, "Hey.... I think those were the twerps on that Gyarados that rode over us!" "Oh yeah?? Well if we follow 'em downstream, we could net ourselves a Totodile and a Gyarados fer da boss!!", says Meowth floating without doggy paddling. "And if my observations were correct, we could also snag Sandshrew and Pikachu!", adds Jessie. But James looks down the river and quivers, "Well if we have more luck, maybe we'll survive...."

They look down the river to see the waterfall they're about to go over. Then they all shout in that comic appearance they usually shout like when they're getting electrocuted and blasted off. And then, can you take a guess what happens next to our beloved Team Rocket kiddies???

Yeeeeeeeeeess.... that's correct!!! They fall over the cliff....... you boys and girls are so smart!!! Here.... have an extra chocolate cookie!!!

TR is falling down the waterfall until Jessie uses her overbearing strength to grab hold of a stuck tree branch in the middle of the waterfall. And with TR, who else has the strength to grab hold of the branch?? Certainly not James.... and Meowth? Meowth could never accomplish grabbing onto anything with that much force...... have you seen his arms?!? They're like Bugs Bunny arms, when they flex the arms probably curve down instead of up!!!

So Jessie is hanging onto the branch and James drops down and is now hanging onto Jessie's ankles. Meowth hangs onto James's ankles and Wobbuffet lands on top of the branch looking awfully concerned. "James..... can't you and Meowth let go?!? You're going to ruin my $400 boots!!", demands Jessie dangling from the branch. "But Jessie, I don't want to fall all that way to the ground", whines James as Wobbuffet states, "Woooooooooooooooobbbbuuuhhffet!!!". Jessie then reasons shouting, "Well you could survive if you end up landing on your thick head!!!"

Meowth then chimes in as he dangles from James that there's only one hope and he lets one arm go to get out a remote and push the big red button on it. And lo and behold, it brings out TR's copyright happy buddha-faced Meowth balloon to the rescue. And as the balloon gets close enough to TR, Meowth laughs and jumps into the balloon basket. "Meowth, I've to hand it to you!! You're a real johnny-on-the-spot", remarks Jessie who then shouts loudly, "NOW GET US DOOOOOOOOWWNN!!"

Respecting Jessie's love for fashion, James swears, "Don't worry Jessie, I'll get off of you and save your boots!!!" He then calls out Victreebel whom uses its vine whip to pull James to safety. James thanks Victreebel before the also copyrighted Victreebel swallowing of James (this time.... his arm). After Victreebel wraps its vines around the very curvaceous body of Jessie getting its sexual fill for the day, TR regroups as Jessie formally congratulates and thanks Meowth for saving them.

Jessie and James lightly clap as Victreebel gushes in the background. Jessie calls the scratch cat a genius before Wobbuffet jumps in between them beaming, "Wooooooooooooooooobbbbuuuhhffet!!", and saluting Meowth. "And you're a big dummy", moans Jessie sucking Wobbuffet (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA AGAIN!!!) back into its pokeball. Meowth comes off his great idea and rescue by telling his teammates that now they can go after those twerps and their pokemon that sailed away down the river not thinking that they could've all split their heads on the hard riverbottom even though they didn't. Jessie commands, "Let's go follow the river ad we'll find our catches!!!", and they all shout, "Yeah!"

Speaking of the twerps, they are rapidly approaching...... um... the rapids. Okay.... that was bad writing..... <sobs>. So as they enter the rapids, Justin yells frantically, "Hang ooooooooonnnnnn!!" Everyone screams as the rapids throw Gyarados and its passengers around like a washing machine as the threesome, Totodile, Bulbasaur, Sandshrew, and Pikachu get sprayed with the foam from the rapids. Crystal and Misty manage to hang on by grabbing one of Gyarados's whiskers sprouting from its body (Yeeeoouuch!!) but somehow, Gyarados continues to go down the river unphased. Thus, Gyarados must be a tough-ass pokemon like Bulbasaur or Squirtle.

So they're bumpin' their ways down the rapids like phat hip-hop tune until Misty sees trouble. "Oh no!!! There's a giant wall of mud splitting the river. We'll never squeeze through either side!!!", she quips. Justin also states hopelessly, "We can't do anything about this...." But Cris-tal heroically, for whatever reason, declares, "Yes we can!!!", and calls upon Totodile whom makes even hanging on for dear life look insane and entertaining. Totodile is ordered to use water gun on the wall of mud that stretches across almost the entire width of the river that's quickly approaching them.

But the mud flap is still not budging and Gyarados is about to slam into it and spill our protagonists into the river. "The muk is too strong", shouts Misty nervously. Hmmm..... I'm sure plenty of pokemon characters have uttered that before.... Oh well, Crystal yells at Totodile to pump its water gun faster and the water gun attack eventually does break the mud flap just a split second before they all crash into it.

The threesome are totally relieved though tense at the same time as they remain grasped onto Gyarados. Justin utters that that was a close call as Gyarados swims around a couple of bends. Misty then asks him if he has any ideas of how to get out of these rapids since they can't just pull to the side due to the high surrounding cliffs. Justin though, despite his apparent brains, can't think of any way to escape the wild river.

So much for him being smart.....

But enough for escape plans, Misty spots another sign of trouble as she spots a big fallen tree trunk stretching across the river in the distance. The lost cut tree trunk is about 4 feet (1.3 meters) in diameter as it hangs about 10 feet (3 meters) above the river surface which is too low for Gyarados to pass under.... that's why this stupid thing is a threat. They all scream as Justin panics that they won't be able to water gun down something like that. So as they approach it, Crystal takes matters into her own hands again.

She calls upon Bulbasaur to use its razor leaf to slice the tree trunk into sawdust. The little leaves go through one side of the tree trunk creating a crease in it. Crystal then tells Bulbasaur to hurry and get the other side and Bulbasaur listens as it cuts the other side of the tree and the trunk falls off and goes harmlessly down the river. And just in time before they crash into it no less.

So now they breathe a nervous sigh of relief again looking for the rapids to come to an end. Crystal hopes, "Don't these rapids have to end somewhere?" "Saashrew", repeats Sandshrew wanting badly to get out of the river so it can curl up nice and warm with his Pika-bitch. Misty confirms that they do end after all............ they end right smack dab at a 20 foot high dam and the water isn't slowing down.

....................... In case you haven't figured out anything, that's bad news for our favorite twerps.

Crystal screams as Misty wonders, "Now how are we going to get by this??" But Justin, never the one to give up with young ladies to save or at least impress, answers Misty, "I'm gonna try something, just hang on tight..... okay Gyarados, jump!!!"

The girls are puzzled as Cris-tal is hanging on tight getting an actual non-chemical rush telling Justin, "You can't possible think that...... aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!", she then screams because Gyarados then takes off out of the unsettled waters. Pikachu, Sandshrew, Bulbasaur, Totodile, Crystal, Misty, and Justin (riding shotgun on Gyarados's head) hang on for dear life as amazingly, Gyarados's leap clears the top of the dam like a pole vaulter. And then, everyone lands into the river on the other side of the dam which is much calmer. When everyone comes to and surfaces, they rejoice in the fact that they survived.

Just a question about that dam................. is it by any chance................. a God dam??? he he he he he he

Prankish kiddy questions aside, Crystal exhales as if she just hit some chronic and Misty comments about the whole adventure, "We took a day off to relax and float in the water, but we ended up on an exciting white water adventure!" So Crystal calls back Bulbasaur and Totodile and the twerps are riding Gyarados down the river. Justin is looking for a place to steer Gyarados over to so they can all dock off this wild river. "Well I'm just glad it's over...", remarks Crystal as all main characters do when a major occurrence is about to take place.

"Wrong!!!!", yells a commanding woman's voice from overhead, "Your adventure is far from over!" And Crystal actually detects the origins of that voice uttering, "Oh no.... it couldn't be....."

"Prepare for trouble, it's time to deliver"
"And make it double since you're stuck on the river”
"To protect the world from devastation"
“To unite all peoples within our nation"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love"
"To extend our reach to the stars above"
"Jessie"
"James"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight"
"Meowth, that's right!"

"Team Rocket!!", the twerps shout unnecessarily. "Shrew shrew" and "Pi-pikachu", the pokemon also shout unnecessarily (I think....) as Crystal shouts wondering what ridiculous stunt they're going to pull this time. "Ha haaa!!", squeals Jessie ecstatically, "We see that you're having one heck of fun time along the rapids. That's why it was so sad to see the harsh current end." "Fortunately, wit dis wave machine we're droppin into da riva, you'll be able ta continue ya white watuh escuhpade!", continues Meowth as the happy buddha-faced Meowth balloon lowers a big black machine that generates rapid currents once it hits the water.

Now where did they get a gigantic wave machine from when just a few minutes ago they were hanging on for their lives? Must be the magic of not television...... but the magic of our Team Rocket..... ahhhhh.

"We're not going through any more drama today.... use sandstorm Sandshrew", states Crystal talking like Mary J. Blige. Sandshrew leaps up to attack but Meowth counters, "Ah no ya don't!!!", and fires a big oversized (especially for puny little Meowth) bazooka that shoots out a net to catch Sandshrew before it can unleash its sandy fury. Crystal yells uselessly for Sandshrew as TR laughs at the twerps. "Quick Pikachu, try a thunderbolt!!", suggests Crystal but Justin quickly halts them saying they can't do that.

Justin tells them that balloon is connected by a steel wire that goes down to the wave machine which is connected to the water which is connected to them. (There's your daily pokemon science lesson....) TR laughs as then James gives us all his gay sounding ultimatum. "Either you can continue to float away down the river.... or you can give us all your pokemon!", he demands. Crystal shouts, "No way!", as Justin tries to steer Gyarados to the riverbank. But Jessie won't let them dock off the big blue fish as she sends out Arbok to use poison sting to keep Gyarados in the middle of the river attacking Gyarados and the twerps near the river edges. The threesome hang on and moan, absorbing the stingers.

Misty then proclaims, "We have to do something before Team Rocket forces us into the ocean!" Justin responds, "Fine! This calls for Kabutops.", and throws out Kabutops to try and counter TR. "Wait..... I think we can get out of this another way...", says Crystal who then starts to whisper to Justin and Misty her idea. Misty seems especially pleased by either her idea or the apparent accidental tongue to her ear. Justin likes the idea has gets Gyarados ready. "Okay Gyarados, slowly approach the wave machine....", orders Justin as Gyarados begins to slow down and let the wave machine approach them. "What are those twerps doing now?", wonders a confused Jessie as Arbok also looks out there confused. Wobbuffet then pops out to observe the actions stating, "Wooooooooooooooooobbbbuuuuuhhhffet!" "We weren't wondering about you!!", yells Jessie.

Gyarados then approaches the wave current machine doohickey causing the twerps's 'boat' to rock hard back and forth. Once Gyarados is close enough, Justin yells for it to jump the same way it leaped over the dam. Gyarados leaps high into the air as the wave machine passes by harmlessly underneath the threesome. Gyarados then lands behind the current generator to the horror of Team Rocket. "We did it....... great idea, Crystal!", shouts Justin in delight.

But Cris-tal replies that TR still has Sandshrew and Justin decides to act assuring the young lady to leave it to him. Justin yells for Gyarados to, "Let's give Team Rocket a shiver in the river..... use ice beam!" Gyarados's ice beam freezes Team Rocket's balloon and sends them plummeting down into the river. "I tink our plan suddenly got cold", PUN-ishes Meowth as Jessie, Meowth, Arbok, and Wobbuffet scream and James whines into the river.

Crystal and Pikachu then yell for Sandshrew to hurry and make its getaway from TR once they hit the water. Sandshrew uses its claws to slash its way out of the net and then its swims towards its own group as Crystal scoops it out of the water and back onto Gyarados. With TR frozen, this gives the twerps an opportunity to finally get out of the river. Everyone boards off Gyarados as Crystal says warmly, "We're always glad to have you back buddy!!", as she then pats its head and Pikachu beams happily stating, "Pikachu!" Justin then thanks Gyarados whole-heartedly stating, "we couldn't have made it through those rapids without you!" And Gyarados roars back in appreciation translated into, "Yeah.... just give me more food next time we eat!"

"I hate water....", sobs Meowth. A frozen Jessie meanwhile comments, "Now I know what a pudding pop feels like." "Speaking of pudding pops, I could really go for one of them to suck on right now", then quips James for the necessary gay statement from him. Especially since he likes to suck on 'pudding pops' as he calls them.

Crystal then turns to Pikachu as Justin and Misty help get Gyarados out of the water. (Cuz we can't attack the good guys and gives them sad little boo-boos now, can we?) Cris-tal then turns to Pikachu and converses deliberately, "Okay Pikachu, how about giving them a thunder attack...", which Pikachu is as always eager to comply. Crystal must need some kind of image for her next acid trip and had an idea to watch Pikachu's electricity....... just a thought you know...... Pikachu zaps Team Rocket beyond recognition causing the obligatory spark in the current generator and it explodes. This sends Team Rocket sailing skyward as they exit yelling but no signature exit phrase. Just some TR screaming and one final, "Wooooooobbbuuuuuhh!"

The twerps then regroup and all breath an enormous sigh of relief. Misty exults, "That was a huge rush..... much more than I had asked for!" "Ummm yeah.... but where are we now?", asks Crystal. Justin responds that they're currently not too far away from a town called Northport and that its about 25 kilometers away from where they are.

It's an optimistic way of saying that they're in the middle of nowhere...... In any event, Crystal declares that they camp out along the trail until they finally get there. Which really means that they smoke up for hours on end wasting all their time and taking several more days than they need to get to the next town let alone the next gym or even the Kanto League. And so it looks like many more (well not too many unlike that moron Ash who'll stop for a Butterfree that is pollinating and create an adventure out of that...) adventures/sidetracks for our threesome to see if all the new 'shipping they create will finally come true or if Pikachu and Sandshrew will find true love between each other. Until then..... it looks like its time for at least Crystal (and probably her pokemon) to get high.

<cue commercial break #2> Who's that pokemon??!! (These inorganic pokemon have had an affair with Pikachu...)

It's Magnemite ................................ "Magnemite"

But whatever happened to Team Rocket after they got blasted off again. We notice an unsettled river with lots of rapids and whirlpools in them looking even more vicious than the ones the twerps navigated. And then we see our heroes from TR splash down into the river and immediately begins to get carried away.

"Of all da endins doze twoips put us inta, I hate da ones wit watuh da most", cries Meowth clinging onto Jessie shoulder with Arbok and Wobbuffet (saluting of course) floating behind them. "Well you're not going to help yourself by floating on me", snitches Jessie. "Uh.... I don't want to break up your little tiff, but we're rapidly approaching trouble...", remarks James. They all look ahead to see wild currents and awfully unforgiving rapids ahead of them. This makes them yell as Meowth remarks, "I really wish we 'ad a canoe right now...", as they begins to be thrown around the rapids.

"Looks like Team Rocket's rolling down the riveeeeeeeer!!"

"Wooooooooooooooobbbuuuuuhhffet!”