Dragonitemare presents

Pokemon Crystal Series

Ep. 3

Ash, Misty, Brock, Tracey, Mrs. Ketchum, Prof. Oak, Pikachu, Togepi, Joey, Jeffy, Jaime, and the starting lineup of the 1978 L. A. Lakers (ok the last 4 were obviously made up) are catching some of the night action in the Johto league tournament. But in this match fortunately, it's not the abominable Richie who is in the match. Rather, it is one of our series' future heroes that is competing valiantly in the tournament. He's tall, good-looking, brown hair, blue eyes, with a pretty nice fade haircut for a white kid.

Note: I hold myself in check here and apologize for trying to attract some bitches for meeeeeeeah ah ah I mean Justin who is currently being described right now. I realize that this is to be a fanfic, not a personal ad.

With that cleared aside, Justin is in a very tight spot. His third round pokemon match is down to one on one with his Dragonite versus Blade, the Scizor owned by Shingo (remember Wired for Battle?) from the Pokemon Academy. The announcer announces that the loser of this battle will be sent home.

Damn, this be one hell of a battle!!!!!! And the pressure, THE INTENSE PRESSURE!

Prof. Oak goes to comment that those are two very rare and extremely powerful pokemon. He was also going to say that he would like to have those pokemon to do his "research". But Ash, with his mind only occupied on one or two things always (pokemon or food), yells at his illegitimate father to quiet down. Seems that his whole limited sized brain wants to concentrate on hot battle. Ash then gives a glassy eyed stare while Pikachu can only squawk out a "Pika pika" looking as if it were stoned.

<cue intro>

Elsewhere in the crowd, we see countless celebrities peeled to the sandy surface. Celebs such as Cristina Aguilera, tennis star Patrick Rafter, and our beloved 43rd president of the U. S. A. George Dubya Bush.

Ok.... the pressure has gone from intense to bone-crushing now. Can't disappoint Dubya, can we now.

Misty looks on in awe WITH HER ARM AROUND ASH KETCHUM watching to see this epic battle.

Ok... the pressure has gone from bone-crushing to earth shattering now!

And after all that pressure, the battle finally begins. Shingo Afujirama (last name) and Blade make the first move using agility to outquick Dragonite. Justin tries to have Dragonite hit Blade with a rock smash attack but Blade is too quick to be hit. Blade then hits Dragonite with a series of quick attacks. Things are lookin bad for Justin and they're about to get worse. Blade hits Dragonite with a metal claw attack so Justin, out of desperation orders Dragonite to fly to escape Blade. It avoids a dive bomb from Dragonite and Shingo orders Blade to chase it.

Up in the air, Blade tries to hit Dragonite with another metal claw but it holds off the Scizor with a blizzard attack. Dragonite then tries to dive bomb Blade again but it's hit with a counter attack and is grounded. Blade then leaps up and is ordered to finish the match with false swipe. It leaps up and Justin gets Dragonite ready.

"Wait", orders Justin as Blade is about to come down onto Dragonite. "Wait", says Justin again as Blade apparenetly takes 10 seconds to do one of those still frame matrix themes. "Ready", shouts Justin while the matrix pose is still probably going on. And as Blade lands, Justin orders Dragonite to strike.

"NOW! Hit it with a zap cannon attack!!" he yells. And zap it Dragonite does as it gets a direct hit on Blade as the attack the shocking the everliving crap out of the Scizor leaving it wobbly. "Blade! Get up!" shouts Shingo the nerd, having no compassion for the poor pokemon that was just turned into a gigantic flashlight.

But it's too late. Dragonite finishes it off with a double-edge attack and the match is over. Justin gets the win and both trainers gets a huge ovation from everyone, even Ash & co. for such a kick ass battle. "Well Dragonite, we did it bro ....bumpin on into the next round" says Justin like a brotha in tha gettos to which Dragonite replies wit a ro. And thus, that's how they came through under earth shattering pressure.

Meanwhile, outside around the concessions which is buzzing from the battle, there are a lot of people around this one giant souvenir tent with these three happy employees. Why but of course, who else could relieve the pressure of such an apocalyptic battle than Team Rocket.

"Ahahahahahahahaha" laughs Jessie playfully. Jessie is holding a microphone wearing an Alyssa Milano hairstyle and a sexy, red tube top and short, red skirt work outfit that's almost as skimpy as a Hooters uniform and glasses for disguise(????? don't ask me why). Ahhhhhhhhhh....
"Attention shoppers prepare for trouble" annouces Jessie.
"All merchandise on sale and we're making it double" states James in a Foot Lockeresque referee outfit and matching glasses.
"To protect your wallet from devastation"
"To unite all shoppers within our foundation"
"To denounce the evils of bad taste and color clashes"
"To extend your budget with these cool Pikachu sunglasses"
"Jessie"
"James"
"Team Rocket's outlet letting you dress up right"
"Surrender now or kiss your wardrobe good night"
"Meowth, that's right"

James congratulates Jessie on her fabulous idea to make quick money by selling cheap souvenirs and making it successful by adding their own special Team Rocket flare to make people come and buy this merchandise. And we go around the store to see some of the features such as the little boys section with a poster of James in a cute little Cyndaquil shirt and very short shorts, Sentret shaped checkout desks where J,J, & M are checking out sales, even Wobbuffet is at the entrance saluting and handing out balloons with pokemon heads on them. It's like a festival within a festival.

Ah, but of course with TR, there's more than meets the eye. Meowth laughs and whispers, "no one will ever find out that we're actually charging double for this crap (that would have to be really expensive) and once we make enough money, we can ditch this phony shop and phony moichandise and we'll have money again to eat!" "I'm going to go to the fanciest Italian restaurant and having the biggest meal", adds James. But then, Jessie shuts them up and warns, "the reason we're doing this to get the money to continue to afford our operations so we can steal pokemon." Meowth whimpers, "But we could save some money for maybe a nice pizza or something." Jessie pounds the talking cat on the head and yells, "is there anyone else here that actually cares about this job?"

But before she can go on, she is interrupted.

"Um, excuse me, can I have someone ring this up?" asks Mrs. Ketchum. Jessie notices her and is scared because the rest of Ash & co. is looking around the store. Meowth tries to sneak a peek but is shoved back behind the counter by Jessie. Mrs. Ketchum has a Heracross shirt for TR to ring up.

<chuckle> A heracross shirt.... it'll probably be her uniform for when they're in bed doing her own rendition of the Bulba-blow job on Prof. Oak.

Meanwhile, over by the hat section, Ash is talking with his little electric mouse (GETCHA MIND OUTTA THA GUTTER!!!) about how much more difficult the Johto league is from the others he's been in and about how much tougher the trainers are. Misty then butts in to say, "Hey Ash, this tight Jigglypuff shirt looks totally cute on me..... could you buy it?". "Togeprriiii" adds the evil monster Togepi. Translated, it probably says, "Buy it you vermin, it has the brain feeding energy I need to grow stronger, STRONGER!!!" To this request, Ash unsurprisingly falls over and begins to complain about why should he buy it for her.

Man, he STILL doesn't get it!!!!

But then, Mrs. Ketchum comes over and offers to buy the shirt for her apologizing for Ash's rudeness. "Hey Ash, I bought this Heracross shirt. Do you like it?" asks his mommy. Ash agrees, seemingly obliviously clueless to anyone as he normally is when anyone asks him something. Of course the shirt is for dubious purposes so that may have caused him to stutter but probably not. She adds that this nice lady helped her buy it referring to Jessie.

"How dare she call me nice!" complains Jessie overhearing Mrs. Ketchum. "Now, now Jess! Let's just keep working!" says James calming her down. Hehehehehehehe.... good ol' TR!

Mrs. Ketchum, being a mother, knows that he's thinking about something so she asks him what's wrong (besides the fact that he's a total moron). Ash replies that he's thinking about his third round match tomorrow. Mrs. Ketchum tells him not to worry and that he'll be fine after a good rest like any mother would say to her 12-year old son (yep he's 12 now... the show started two years ago when he was 10).

Speaking of rest, that's the cue for Jigglypuff to deflate from the ceiling mixing in with the rest of the balloons. She falls to the floor of the busy store, TR starts shrieking, and Jigglypuff starts to sing putting everyone to sleep. After everyone passes out, she does her obligatory doodling and leaves.

"Well, at least I got some of the shut-eye I needed" says Ash traveling with the group back to their hotel at about one in the morning according to a nearby clock. "....and a bonus makeover" adds a sleepy Misty with a laughing Togepi mocking the group's tiredness ready to work on its plans for world domination once they go to bed. "And I thought I was the only one that drew faces." comments Tracey. "Hey, look on the bright side.. it's probably a good omen for my match tomorrow." starts Ash. "Nah, I'd rather not, I'm too sleepy to look at bright things." interrupts Brock. "Well... I'd bet you'd be looking if there was a nurse Joy around.", replies Misty.

"NURSE JOY?! WHERE???!!" shouts Brock in a dimwitted, Ash-like fashion causing Misty to fall over and everyone else to show a sweatdrop.

The next morning, after some good Oak lovin', Ash's Mom wakes up her son. "Aaaassssshhhh.... time to wake uuuuuuupppp.", she says. "Not now..... must....get..... sleep..." mumbles a half-awake Ash. "You have your match today...." says Mrs. Ketchum motherly. "...... in 20 miiiinnnuutteess" she adds which gets Ash right up dumping Pikachu on his ass. He panics and says that he's got to get there now and takes off with his pokeballs to the stadium. We see him race there in Chikorita pajamas and a Raichu wife-beater. And, he would wear that for the rest of this episode.

His mother must have bought all that crap to spoil her little crack baby using Prof. Oak's platinum credit card.

At the match, the referree goes over the rules, 3 on 3, no time limit, etc. etc.. Also the field will start out as a water type field and then it will switch to a rock type field. Ash's opponent is named P. J. Sargeant from Pennsylvania.

Over in the bleachers, his supporters, mainly his mom, are cheering for him and anticipating how tough this opponent will be. Misty, though, is worried about her boyfriend and wonders if he was prepared well enough for this match. The battle begins and Ash, knowing he'd be on the water field was prepared sending out rarely used water pokemon Kingler while his opponent sends out a Golduck.

"Show them you're king Kingler!" quips Ash. Misty wonders how he was able to get Kingler to the competition after Ash woke up so late. Prof. Oak replies that he had Mr. Mime transport some pokemon to Ash.

Hmmmmm!!!! First they share a son, now they share Mr. Mime between households. "Why Mr. Mime?" asks a suspicious Misty. "Because Prof. Oak did some favors for me so I lent him Mr. Mime." answers Mrs. Ketchum. Misty replies with pained expression on her face, "Oh, I see."

MAN OH MAN OH MAN! She just figured out that on top of Ash being Prof. Oak's illegitimate son, she's also realized that they're still screwing each other.

See, in MY series they do be screwin each other rotten.

Kingler attacks first with a crabhammer attack but Golduck leaps above it and attacks with a slash. Kingler then hits with a bubble attack but then Golduck counters with a mega kick which makes Kingler tired. Kingler tries to control it with vicegrip but PJ orders Golduck to use another mega kick which connects before Kingler can use a hyper beam and Kingler goes down.

Ash is stunned that Golduck could be so strong; the rest are somewhat stunned that Ash lost since he's so good despite having no brain. So Ash determines that Golduck has a lot

of experience and Kingler had little experience battling and that he only used him because he has experience in tournaments. Wow! He actually used half of his brain. So Ash decides to go with a pokemon that's at a much (much much) higher level. So he goes, of course, with Pikachu.

Pikachu leaps in and Ash tells it to use a thunderbolt. But before Pikachu can let loose, PJ tells Golduck to deflect the attack with light screen. After Pikachu misses, Ash tells it not to give up (common clueless boy pep talk) and use agility. PJ then orders Golduck to ride the surf and Golduck starts........ surfing!!! Cool! Surfing to attack, I wish I could do that. Anyway, the surfing Golduck crashes the wave against Pikachu knocking it down. Pikachu gets up at the behest of Ash and hits Golduck with thunder breaking through the light screen and shocking Golduck severely. It's staggering attack leaves Golduck battered but not down. PJ, realizing Golduck is in trouble, orders it to use hyper beam. Ash tells Pikachu to watch out and stop it with quick attack.

..... but it's too late...... Pikachu gets nailed with a hyper beam. Ash tries to pep up Pikachu into getting up. It tries and tries and tries but it falls down knocked out of the match.

Ash & co. is in shock and disbelief that Pikachu got knocked out. Ash runs over to hold Pikachu like a widdle baby in arms. "But now Ash is down to just one pokemon .....what pokemon does Ash have that could possibly beat that Golduck?" wonders Misty.

<cue commercial>

Back at the match, Ash has an angry look on his face, angry that he and his Pikachu have been humiliated by PJ. "What's a matter? Can't take losing?" asks PJ accurately. "Your pokemon are powerful but not as powerful as Golduck." adds PJ.

Before Ash can pick his final pokemon though, Justin has arrived at the match the day after his dramatic win over computer geek Shingo. "Hey Misty, Brock, Tracey...." greets Justin. "Hey, Justin.... you made it." greets back Tracey.

"How's Ash doin'?" asks Justin. "Not good" replies Misty. "He's actually getting beat up on.... he's down to his last pokemon!" "Well.... that's a reversal of fortune, isn't it Togepi" states Justin looking towards Togepi and referring to the countless five year kids and their Pidgeys and Butterfrees.

"Toge-toge-prii" laughs the evil egg thing whose greatest misdeed is soon to come. It sounds like it's on to Justin and his plans to win the Johto tournament.

Down on the field, the surface is changing from a water/pool surface to a rocky surface. Ash doesn't have any rock type pokemon to compete on the rock surface so he's torturing

his brain, which for him means deciding which pokemon he's going to use. "It's risky..... but I have to take a chance!", says the organ that supposedly is Ash Ketchum's brain to himself. Ash is nervous now, he knows his chance of winning are small. "Ok.... I choose you.... ", calls out Ash nervously. The pokeball comes out onto the rocky field to reveal (drumroll please)......................

........................

........................

........................ Snorlax?!!

Apparently, Ash is going with a bigger is better philosophy. Meanwhile, up in the stands, Justin comments, "I didn't know Ash had a Snorlax....." "I didn't even know he was using any other pokemon", replies Misty looking on.

Snorlax is told that he's really needed now in the understatement of the decade by Ash. The battle begins and PJ tells his Golduck to use slash. It lands a blow but only does minimal damage. On the next turn, Snorlax uses a double-edge and hits Golduck right on. Golduck tries to counter with its agility but Ash tells Snorlax to just stand still. Then PJ tells Golduck to hit it with a mega kick but Snorlax grabs its leg to trap it with the foe too tired to escape. Ash orders Snorlax to finish it with mega punch.... but what happens next is totally hilarious and straight out of Prof. Oak's secret play book. Instead of punching Golduck, it sniffs its ass, smiles, and puts it in its mouth.

Talk about chew on this!!!

Ash's supporters are sitting in the stands with a startled look on all their faces. And, that's when the PUN-ishment starts to rain down. "Well.... Golduck certainly got a mouthful." said Justin monotonously. "I'd thought Golduck would be the loser, but instead, he's dinner" adds Misty with Togepi roaring at the violence. "Well, Snorlax is giving us all some food for thought." quips Prof. Oak.

And when Snorlax finally spit it out, Golduck was ko'd. Snorlax wins the battle after tongue raping Golduck. "How dare you do that to my Golduck??!!!!", shrieks a horrified PJ. He calls back Golduck and spews out some more punishment, "Now you're going to get the tongue lashing!"

His next pokemon is Xatu, a green psychic bird type pokemon. Brock, ever being the color commentator, states, "This one should be good."

But before we get to that match, we go back outside to Team Rocket's gift shop where business and money continue to pour in. They all laugh and start to dream. "Finally, I'm going to be rich!" says James. Meowth yells, "You've already been rich, we're the ones who should be excited about wealth!" "Oh yeah." says James. Jessie cuts to say that they'll have enough money after a few more hours. "Then let's keep up the good work, crew", states James.

Man he is gay.

Anyway a young girl asks for some help and Jessie asks what she wants. The girl wants some info about the some Squirtle panties. And Jessie and James start to give them their expert (and trust me, it is expert) fashion advice. James though is talking about it with a nervous tone. After all, it is little girls' panties that he's talking about, an issue he's not too familiar with.

But an Officer Jenny cuts in and shouts at the terrific trio. She claims that their store is ripping off customers and they don't have a license to operate. This gets the customers angry at TR.

What TR should say to the lazy officer is something like "Well what are you going to do? Arrest us? Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha." since Officer Jenny never arrests anyone. Or, they should threaten blackmail for corruption since she's so...... well....... corrupt.

But TR, being none the brighter, gets nervous and just stutters. So Officer Jenny says that she's shutting the place down for operating without a permit. But then, she calls out other Officer Jenny's for help. This makes TR really scared and Meowth says they should get away with the money bags before they're bankrupted. So they dash off with their money losing some of it in the crowd and dropping it as they run along. And that leads to.....

"Looks like Team Rocket's dashing off again!"

Meanwhile, inside the stadium, Snorlax stares down his next potential piece of ass in Xatu. The battle begins and PJ orders a psychic attack (with a side of spuds) from Xatu.

Note: I was really hungry when I was writing this. Sorry.

Xatu moves Snorlax a little bit then Ash tells Snorlax to body slam it once it gets in position. It does and it flattens Xatu to the ground. PJ tells it to come back with drill peck. It hits Snorlax and sends it back and it looks like it might be the beginning of the end. PJ orders Xatu to finish it and it takes to the sky ready to dive bomb the extremely chubby lumox. But as its coming down, Ash orders a hyper beam and a coke....oops!!!!!! sorry again!!! And just as Xatu closes in on Snorlax, it is blasted out of its feathers with the hyper beam.

And with that, Xatu is defeated..... no tongue rapings, just a good old fashioned win.

"Just one more to go Snorlax..... and its all you can eat on me", yells a proud Ash. "Snorlax is doing great", Misty says but then adds, " but how much longer can it go on?"

PJ was a little aggravated that Xatu couldn't win it but he's confident that his final pokemon will finally end it. So he calls out the last pokemon.... a.....

.......a Yanma, a dragonfly type pokemon if you haven't seen it. Tracey, knowing nothing about fashion with the clothes he wears, says that PJ's Yanma is strong. And, when asked by Mrs. Ketchum (his "very VERY good friend") how he knows that, he replies that he can tells by its very bright colors emanating from Yanma.

Ash takes out Dexter to find out more about Yanma like he does every single god damn time he sees a pokemon, no.... anything, that is unfamiliar to him. So, he listens and gets the information in time before the ref yells to begin.

PJ tells Yanma to use take down attack. Snorlax sniffs it but is turned off by its smell.......(guess it doesn't like to eat bugs like the rest of us). Ash then commands Snorlax to use a body slam. Of course, to Snorlax, this means simply fall on it which it does flattening it.

But Yanma uses giga drain to restore its energy and in the mean time depleting an exhausted Snorlax. Tracey senses from up in the stands, "Ash is in trouble .....Snorlax can't keep this up any longer!"

Clap, clap, clap.... brilliant detective work Tracey Shecthit. Now if he could only settle the big debate on Pokemopolis about him whether he is chubby or sexy. Or maybe, he should just take off his shirt and let everyone decide for themselves.

"But what can he do?" replies a nervous Misty in fear that Ash might lose this match. By the way, she's wearing that Jigglypuff shirt and she do look damn fine in it for a 14-year old. "Maybe it'll use a mega punch." declares Brock cutting in in a triangular piece of the TV screen. "Or maybe it'll use another powerful hyper beam and hopes it knocks out Yanma before it's too late", adds Justin. "There's nothing it can do... it all worn out" adds PJ in his own corner of the screen who's smelling blood. "ASH!" shouts Mrs. Ketchum with her own part of the screen.

Then, Ash makes his decision and cuts in the center portion of the screen. "Snorlax, rest up and replenish your energy", shouts Ash. Everyone is stunned by the decision. "All right, it's replenishing its energy!" shouts an energy deprived Misty desperate for some of the energy she's lost at the clutches of Togepi. "But how will it wake up?" asks Brock.

....good question, eh Ash?

PJ tells Yanma not to wait and use a fury cutter attack which hits Snorlax harder and harder with each cut. "Snorlax please get up.." pleads Ash frantically. The ref is about to count Snorlax out until we hear a loud snore come out of Snorlax. Apparently, this snore damages Yanma forcing it down. Up in the stands, Old Man Oak answers his ho's (Deliah's) question by saying that it's using his snore attack which attacks other pokemon in its sleep.

That must be on f*cked respiratory system Snorlax has to do that.

"Snorlax use your snore attack", commands Ash and via some kind of telepathy, the big fat lumox can hear him. So Snorlax uses its snoring attack while Yanma keeps up the fury cutter. Brock comments that this looks bad as the powerful blows of Yanma seem to be too much for Snorlax... and indeed they are.

Until he wakes up that is.... and throws off Yanma. This gives Snorlax the chance to finish it off with a mega punch. Snorlax winds up, Yanma is too exhausted to dodge it and Snorlax connect, knocking it into one of the rocks on the field. PJ screams and screams and screams angrily for Yanma to get up but it's just fresh out of energy and it collapses making Snorlax the winner and Ash Ketchum the winner of the match. Ash congratulates Snorlax and Snorlax returns the love by squashing its master and trying to hump the ecstatic little boy.

Damn that Snorlax be horny....DAMN! Meanwhile, PJ finally realizes what we all knew a long time ago that Ash is no ordinary boy.

Snorlax continues the attempted rape and then we go to the nearby pokemon center where Ash & co. have a huge (and I do mean HUGE) pile of food around them. All of them are celebrating Ash's victory and all are happy.

.............

.............well.... except for Old Man Oak who upset over the fact that he's the one who had to pay for Snorlax's all you can eat. Jeez, what an emotionally crippled little son will do to your wallet and the hard earned money Oak gets by pimping out Tracey, Mrs. Ketchum, and Mr. Mime. We watch as Snorlax chows down on his very large meal.

"Well, we're certainly paying a price for Snorlax tonight." says Misty. "But Snorlax earned the whole thing", gloats a proud Ash. "And besides.... we get to eat with it, right guys?", adds Justin still with Team Twerp. Everyone agrees except for Brock who is off flirting with Nurse Joy. Misty sighs after asking Brock if he agrees and seeing him with Nurse Joy but this time, she just lets him flirt so she can eat.

Finally, the announcer PUN-ishes us saying that after his day and comeback victory with the help of Snorlax, Ash will finally be able to sleep easy.

Note: The XYZ Affair was named after a conflict that occurred between the US and nasty ass France back in the early 1800's. Snorlax faced Xatu and Yanma and he beat them while catching some zzz's. Hence, the title was formed.