Dragonitemare presents

Pokemon Crystal Series

Ep. 44

If you remember what happened the last episode, you will recall that Pikachu and Bellossom were tightly engaged in the final battle between Erika and Crystal (who took in that entire acid trip of a sex garden) as she fought for her fourth Kanto League gym badge. But at the end when it looked like Pikachu barely outlasted Bellossom, the ref determined that the battle ended in a tie. Thus to dodgers everywhere, this has become a travesty and the biggest right wing scandal since Enron. And the twerps are currently wondering what's going to happen next and how this will be resolved.

But more importantly than that, we've all battled and debated about whether or not James is homosexual or not. And recently with all the evidence mounting up against rocketshippers, the question has basically shifted to 'How gay is James?' and how he deals with his sexual orientation. Well in this episode, 4Kids, rocketshippers, dodgers, Puerto Ricans, flying squirrels, people who frequent NYC clubs tailor-made for Crystal, and political oppressors of all kinds will see TR face facts and observe how they react to images suggesting the real thing!

And by the real thing, I mean a little three letter word that begins with an 'S' and ends with an 'X'.

See, there was this semi-pornographic garden in the last episode mixed with flowers and images of shirtless male models that were 'donated' to Erika's courtyard from an Abercrombie & Fitch mall clothing outlet. It was very shocking how all the ladies behaved in there and depending on who you talk to, the garden was either very attractive or very feminist. But just you wait till you see the 'ladies' that visit the courtyard today.... oh ho ho.

But which scandalous activity would really be the talk of the town?? Wealthy greed? Or happy-go-lucky lowlifes dealing with less than pure images?

<cue intro>

We start this one 24 hours later by showing that Crystal surprisingly doesn't seem too pissed about the controversial decision. But then again when you're a pothead or a hippie or maybe both, you don't normally get too angry about stuff going on in reality other than if you're short on your stash or short on dough. She's actually playing with her recuperating pokemon at the moment in that raunchy garden. She picks up Pikachu and tells it that, "You did great... do you want this flower?", handing Pikachu a daisy. Pikachu accepts optimistically and then runs off into the middle of the field to run around with all the other pokemon out there.

"What a shame.... that was such a tough battle and you still didn't earn a badge", apologizes Misty. "You earned another badge in my book", consoles Justin as Misdreavus unwontedly consoles him. "Don't you wanna play with da other pokemon?", he asks sounding annoyed. But Misdreavus doesn't move and says, "Missdreavus", smoothly wanting to 'play' with Justin instead. "Pikaaa!", shouts Pikachu joyfully playing as Totodile dances gracefully through a flower meadow...... really... really fast.

But then, Pikachu looks over towards its interim trainer and sees her communicating with Sandshrew talking about the battle and other less important stuff. And they talking for a very long time, much longer than any talk Crystal's had with Pikachu. Pikachu takes it with a kind of sad sigh, but then it seems to just shrug it off as no big deal. "So how do you think the gym will resolve the draw?", wonders Crystal. "I honestly have no idea, do you Justin?", replies Misty. "I've never seen a draw in a gym battle in my life", adds Justin, "Obviously, you could challenge Erika to a rematch if you lost but I don't think it'll have to be so tough since you didn't exactly lose the match. And Erika doesn't seem like a renegade, merciless trainer who's unfair."

Yep... just like all CEO's, they come out to the public as very intelligent, ambitious people with no way for anyone, especially anyone like the twerps, to tell how arrogant, greedy, and deceptive most of them really are.

At that moment, Erika walks through the door to her decadent courtyard to greet the threesome and see how they're doing. "I'm doing fine.... I still can't believe how close the ending was", states Cris-tal. "Yeah... me neither. Did you heal your pokemon at the Pokemon Center?", asks Erika. Crystal says she did and then Erika says she has her proposal. She claims that her class took in a lot from their battle yesterday and she wants her and her pokemon to help instruct her snotty students. And also with her assistance, she also wants Crystal to battle her again in another match and if she and her pokemon do good enough, she'll hand Crystal the Kanto League rainbow badge... no questions asked.

So that's her nefarious corporate agenda!! Use jilted officiating to get a good pokemon trainer to use his or her services without costing her a dime to educate a future generation of greedy, drug addicted youth that are overpriveledged thanks to their always traveling business parents. Getting trainers to assist in the education for free must save a huge amount of expenses that would otherwise go to burned out assembly speakers.

"That sounds fun... I love working with children", claims Crystal who should know how to work with children perhaps around her age in order to keep her secret supply full. "Great!", replies Erika who just might be enthusiastic about Crystal's stash, "Once my class gets in later this morning, we'll begin the match." "Cool", says Cris-tal with a ghetto tone in her voice as Sandshrew sounds equally happy to see adoring young kiddies. Justin says frankly that it sounds pretty interesting. Misty states ironically, "Teaching at school must be pretty cool", being that we have no evidence that she's went to A DAY OF SCHOOL IN HER LIFE! "Psyduck", chimes in Psyduck waddling its feathery carcass in front of Misty. Misty responds sarcastically, "Of course it'd be a nightmare to have a remedial student like you." But Psyduck just looks out at the garden confused at all the images and flower arrangements stating, "Psy-duck?"

Erika asks if she wants to enter the battle area now and Crystal and Sandshrew agree. So Crystal announces to her pokemon that she's ready to go battle and calls back all her pokemon. Misty and Justin do likewise and they enter the gym ready for Crystal's battle and teaching help. But just shortly after they leave the courtyard, another group makes their way inside. It's Team Rocket, of course, and a scene that many dodgers would just be dying to witness regarding James and what "shakes his bon-bon".

"This isn't the secret vault where that brat keeps her perfume ingredients!", Jessie scolds James after they get in. "I'm sorry, Jessie", panics James, "They must renovated this place since we were here last time." "You idiot!! We were here YESTERDAY", shouts back Jessie as James cowers that he meant the time before that. "Well nevermind.... let's just go find her perfume indregients... or maybe their safe! You see anything, Meowth?", wonders Jessie.

Oh he's seeing something all right....

"Meowth?", again asks Jessie. "I can't believe dis place... it's so gentle-lookin'", says Meowth peacefully. Jessie turns away from James to see all the beauty of the courtyard... both human and animal image alike. "Wow! What kind of place is this??", wonders Jessie with her eyes wide open. ALERT! ALERT! JAMES HOMOSEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE SCENE APPROCHING!!! "I like this place. Everything blooms so well!", he says. I couldn't have said that any better.

TR continues to wander through this garden of Eden with some of the Chikoritas wandering around as they all look very cheerful suddenly as all their worries have suddenly vanished thanks to the therapeutic scenery of Erika's courtyard of sin. "This garden... I don't think I ever want to leave", says Jessie spaced out looking up at one of the posterized hunks. James is also very happy ever since coming into the courtyard and looking up, down, and all around getting in all the wonderfully James-friendly scenery. "I guess when ya gots a successful business, you kin afford lavish botanical paradises like dis. Not that we know anyting about bein' successful..", states Meowth sniffing a pleasant smellng daisy.

"You know... this garden is so great that it would be tragic for us to leave without at least some of it", suggests James. Aye....... you dirty, dirty gay man, James. But when Meowth asks him what he means (cuz his IQ ain't that good..... only 10 times better that Ash), James actually means that maybe they could pick out a bunch of these flowers and send them to the boss to apologize for not getting him any pokemon. "Well, it's better than sending the boss nothing. Besides, some of these plants may have rare natural products in them like stun spore", explains Jessie. "If we could get our hands on that, den da boss should openly welcome our bouquet", gleams Meowth. "So let's get picking!", declares Jessie and they go off to see the rest of the courtyard and do their work.

Back in the gym battle area and totally clueless about what's happening in Erika's lavish courtyard, the capitalist one welcomes her students into the battle gym. Once they're settled in, Erika settles them down like an overly kind first grade teacher and then welcomes them. She tells them that Crystal and her crew have returned today and she reintroduces the runny-nosed youngsters to them. "Oh boy", goes one of the excited kiddies as another shouts out, "Are you going to battle again?" "Calm down, class", says Erika getting a little louder to shut them up, "We'll get to battle eventually, but first, I want to see what you learned from yesterday's battle."

She then asks them if they have anything to say or ask any of them. This one girl introduces herself as Jaime and tells Crystal that she learned that you could counter the effects of a rest attack if you use a poison attack or a leech seed. "That's true.... but you have to make sure that the target is not so elusive that the attack will miss", explains Crystal. "What did you learn about grass pokemon during your battle, Crystal?" "What did I learn?", wonders Crystal who resumes after a brief pause, ".......... well... I learned about many of the capabilities of grass pokemon. Not only from what Erika's pokemon did, but from what my Bulbasaur did. I got a much better understanding of all the attacks of grass pokemon.. from vine whip to a solar beam attack. And also that grass pokemon can be extremely tricky."

"Crystal really knows what she's talking about", says Justin sounding impressed. "She's been probably studying pokemon from a very young age", adds Misty. Psyduck then pops out again to give its perspective on pokemon education. "I don't think decades of research could ever figure out a pokemon like you", she quips in response to Psyduck who as always, is holding its head. Misty calls back Psyduck despite it being true to itself and going, "Psy-duck?", one last time.

One more brat named Sandy asks the both of them that if they're pokemon are trained so much to attack, then how do they train pokemon to avoid attacks. "That's a very good question, Sandy. In order to have your pokemon avoid regular and possibly damaging attacks, it is important not only to train their attacks and offense, but also key defensive techniques such as reflexes and recovery", instructs teacher Erika even though its unlikely that first graders have discovered the words 'reflexes' or 'techniques'. "And that doesn't just include improving a pokemon's speed", adds Crystal which sounds kind of dodgy if you read it a certain way, "You have to make them stronger, too. Myself and some of my pokemon's former trainer spent extensive amounts of time on defense and reflex training." Tell them girlfriend!!!

It's ironic that they spend so much time training and yet, the episodes have shown altogether... about a total of 20 minutes of training through 200+ eppys. So 4Kids message?? Training is boring... and it doesn't bring in ratings... but it's important to do it, kiddies.

After we see Justin and Misty smile at Crystal's unique teaching style, we go back to TR who's still pruning (hehehe.... somethin bout that word) many of Erika's plants. "This is going absolutely wonderful", squeals Jessie, "I should keep this bouquet for myself." "Quit ya flowuh hoggin'. We're gonna need alluh dese for da boss if he's gonna fuhget how much we screwed up recently!", shouts back Meowth as we see Wobbuffet slide into the picture with a flower bonnet and a couple of flowers to give to Jessie to add to her collection as we hear it sing, "Woooooooooobbbuuhhffet!"

"There are some terrific tulips, exquisite herbs, and pretty posies in this garden", gleams James with delight using adjectives and flower terms no straight man would use. And James is still gleaming after looking around the sultry garden and his crotch area is also bulgier than usual. Umm....... what's that word the DMs tried to start a trend with when a gay James moment occured???? Oh yeah.... GOOCHIE! But anyway, as they're gushing over the flower collection and maybe even having a dirty daydream involving the posterized hunks, they are approached by a small army of little monsters unimpressed by their hilarity.

They turn around in fear and in a very ungoochie scene, they are being stared down by a group of guardian Chikoritas. "Chiiiiika!", stammers one of the pretty girl pokemon unnerving TR. "Oh no... those Chikorita again!", fears Jessie. "We fuhgot about who was guarden dis garden", PUN-ishes Meowth. "Woooooooobbbuuuuhhffet", agrees Wobbuffet. "Maybe they won't be so cruel to us this time since we're enjoying this garden", quips James stupidly. "Chiiiiiikaaaa", shouts the first Chikorita who's preparing to smack around TR with its vine whip as our heroes fright at the impending pain and bruises.

"Okay.... that wraps up our lesson on grass pokemon defense for today, class. I'd like to thank Crystal again for helping me out and assisting with the lesson", announces Erika as they're suddenly done with teaching today, the lazy bums. "Hey... it's all good", says Crystal as Erika tells them that they're now ready to watch them battle each other in their rematch. She asks Crystal if she's ready and of course Crystal is since she's baked enough to stand up to anything....... even a monsterous form of the evil leech Togepi.... not that she'd survive or anything.

Erika tells her that it's the same match as before being a 4 on 4 pokemon battle except this time.... THERE MUST BE A WINNER!! Ooooooooooohhh.... how chilling. And what bs.... after Crystal and co. stay a full day to help educate the lazy, corrupt Erika to teach her kids... now the match has to have a winner! Well screw going to her gym.... I'd rather go to another gym all the way to Sheboygan, Wisconsin for a pokemon gym battle before I mess with this snobby right wing perfume executive who can't even teach her students properly.

Erika is about to throw out her first pokemon when...... "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhh", screams Jessie as TR bursts in through the door to the gym room followed by Erika's security personnel of Chikoritas. TR is bruised and battered by all the vine whips they've taken even with pre-applied bandages applied to them. James makes some kind of weird panic noise before Crystal shouts angrily, "Team Rocket??" "Don't you three have a life?", shouts Justin without thinking about how he threw his life away momentarily to join them. "We do have a life en it just happens tah be stealin'!", states Meowth as Erika sees the flowers scattered in a trail dropped by TR.

"Well you're not going to steal anything from me!", shouts Erika. "Wait Erika... I know you want to deal with them but I know how to get rid of these losers, don't we Sandshrew?", interrupts Crystal. "Sa-shrew", adds Sandshrew. "What right do you have to call us losers?!", shouts Jessie. "The only ones that can call us losers are ourselves!!", shouts James. "En we do so quite often", quips Meowth sneaking in a punchline. "Well you're in my gym first of all... And besides.... I'm a style expert and you look terrible in your burglar outfit", bitches Erika. "Let's get rid these ugly losers", Crystal tells Sandshrew who shouts back at her, "Sanshrew!".

Now TR can take a lot of insults.... you can call them pathetic.... you can call them failures at villainery (???) or cow dung...... you could even call them Republican ;)!!! But for God sakes, whatever you do.... don't insult their looks or their fashion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously, this makes Jessie seeth and James looks fairly angry as well. "Ah oh", mutters Meowth, "I don't tink Jessie's gonna take dis well." And even Wobbuffet agrees hesitantly muttering, "Wooooo-ooo-ooooo-bbuuuhhffet." "GRRRRRRRR...", grrr's Jessie.

"YOU INSULT MY STYLE? PREPARE FOR TROUBLE"
"RIDICULING OUR LOOKS ONLY ANGERS US DOUBLE!", shouts James and Team Rocket tries to angrily shout their motto.

"OH WHAT-EVER.... we already know the motto cuz you repeat it an endless amount of times. I don't feel like hearing it anymore!", tries to reason Crystal since she's sick of the motto. Jessie responds loudly, "Well too bad! You crossed the line you young little twerp! You're just jealous that you're not as attractive as I am. But we're gonna punish you by finishing our motto anyway!"

"Ahem.... to protect the world from devastation", snaps Jessie as TR sounds more pissed off during the motto than usual.
"To unite all peoples within our nation"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love"
"To extend our reach to the stars above"
"Jessie"
"James", he shouts instead of identifying himself suavely
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"Woooooooooooobbbuuuuuuuhhffet!", states Wobbuffet before Meowth tries to shove it down shouting, "Stop.... interrupting....... my cue!!!. Meowth tries to shove Wobbuffet aside as Wobbuffet almost tips over but keeps the smile on it patiently pleased blue face. And then, they both end up falling over anyway.

"Bravo", sarcastically quips Misty as Crystal resumes asking them to stop wasting their time and give back whatever the took from the courtyard. "Sorry you twerp, but we loved that garden so much that we had to just take some of its flowers for ourselves", responds James. "En ya not gonna take it back from us cuz we've got dis!", shouts Meowth who grabs yet another remote control and pushes yet another red button bringing in a robotic Charmander (in other words... that main digimon that usually appears in those commercials). "What is that?", wonders Erika who's now a little worried.

"One false move.... en we'll torch ya place again!", warns Meowth reminding her of the damage they caused to her perfume empire last time. "Oh no... how could you be so cruel?", weeps Erika. "Quite honestly, I'm not sure how I became so cruel but I'm glad that it's a talent of mine", states Jessie adding a villainous laughter tagged on. Crystal obviously looks unpleased and proclaims that their fiery contraption can't stop her and she goes to choose a pokemon. But Meowth stops her by warning loud and clear that one false move and Erika's school, courtyard, and perfume business will be lit ablaze. James adds, "And this time, we'll be sure to gut the entire place!" "Woooooooobbbuuuuuuhhhffet", finishes Wobbuffet.

TR is doing very well at being evil today....I see. Must be from the insult to their looks.

Erika and the twerps look on helpless as Sandshrew and Pikachu look like they're both dying to get a piece of TR instead of each other for once. "Well what do you know... we're walking away today with a beautiful arrangement of rare and valuable flowers!", laughs Jessie. "Do you realize how much good spirit and money this haul will get us, Jessie?", asks James. "We'll feel as good as dem models on dose billboards in dere", mentions Meowth.

Ahaaa.... so Meowth's noticed them, too.

Erika continues to sweat out the standoff as TR slowly tries to getaway. But before they go, Erika's students begin to act up in defense of their loyal teacher and her friend. "Hey... leave our teacher alone!", shouts one little boy probably standing up for Erika since she likes to look up her skirt all the time... or maybe there's a Mary Kay Letourneau thing going on here... who knows? That would be really sick though... so let's move the plot along. "Yeah... you can't threaten our school without facing us", adds some other girl. "Children, wait!", pleads Erika but her nervousness keeps her too quiet for them to listen.

"We can put out any fire that you throw out... stop them, Poliwag!", Jaime shouts tossing out her Poliwag. Another young boy then sends out his Geodude while a second boy next to him throws out a Beedrill to destroy the machine. So they all bum rush the robotic Charmander/digimon flamethrower forcing TR's hand. "Aaaahhh", panics Jessie, "Hurry Meowth, activate the flamethrower!" "Here goes", quivers Meowth and goes to press it but then Poliwag's water gun suddenly knocks the remote out of Meowth's hand before he can burn Erika's gym. "DAAAAAAH!", panics Meowth, "We gotta get it baaaaack." "I got it", hurries James dashing over to dive onto the remote control.

But Misty then seizes the moment and calls out Corsola to destroy the flamethrower machine with its spike cannon. After about 4 rounds of spikes which are dead on target, the flamethrower robot blows a circuit and is destructed sprouting a couple of sporadic fires in the gym. "Those fires!", points out Justin. "Kids... stay away from the fire!", warns teacher Erika. Jaime then has her Poliwag douse one of the two fires with its water gun while Crystal calls out Totodile to put out the other. But... not before Totodile gets to wave and dance around joyously since it gets a chance to look around the beautiful garden.

Nothing can help itself from feeling contentness in a raunchy garden... especially James or even a content Totodile who seems relaxed only moving around at a hyper fast pace instead of its normal supersonic dance pace. TR realizes their plan is busted yet again and that includes Wobbuffet. So they try to dash for the exit but the doors are blocked by Pikachu and Sandshrew whom frighten TR by their mere appearances. "The fires burned out.... and so have your evil plans!", shouts Erika. TR stands surrounded but refuse to give in to a fashion rival with Jessie shouting, "You're the one that's burned out cuz we're gonna show you that we won't be losers to miserable brats like you. Gooooooooo Arbok and Dunsparce!"

James adds, "We also know a thing or two about grass pokemon.... I choose you, Victreebel!" So Victreebel comes out with the usual fallout making James squeal, "This is so uneducational", as he tries to scream and kick his way out of being dinner. Arbok attacks with poison sting but Crystal sends ahead Totodile whom dances around the stingers before tagging Arbok with a water gun. Misty then sends forth Corsola which uses its bubble attack to slow down Dunsparce. Victreebel then hits both Totodile and Corsola with its razor leaf attack which scares Crystal and Misty momentarily. But with the numbers against TR, the little bratty students and their pokemon cover for them using their pokemon to assault TR.

"That's not fair!!", shouts Jessie. "How could you blindside us like that??!", demands James. "Woooobbbuuh", wonders Wobbuffet before Crystal chooses Sandshrew to blow TR away with its sandstorm. TR swirls away in the gale force winds scattering the flowers that they picked out of Erika's raunchy courtyard. "We didn't get any flowers!", shouts Jessie who's upset and soaring out through the glass ceiling (if only women could do that in real life....). "We didn't get any candy", adds James though candy here might be a metaphorical term for nookie or meat. "We didn't get any perfume, either", sobs Jessie. "We went 0 fah 3 en struck out!", sums up Meowth.

"We're blasting off agaaaaaaaaaiiin!!!" "Wooooobbbuuuhh!"

The threesome goes to make sure poor rich girl Erika's world has not been traumatized. Erika seems fine though and then apologizes that the kids had to witness that. That means she's sorry her frikkin gym got saved by a bunch of 6 and 7 year olds! She then asks them what made them try to stop TR and then chides them that it was very dangerous for them to do so. "We're so sorry", apologizes Sandy glumly, "I guess it's just... umm... like... we care for you so much dat we didn't wanna see those bad guys hurt you."

Erika laughs emotionally as the threesome awww's the coot lil' kids that saved their hides. Meanwhile, Totodile still prances around celebrating the little kids being heroes..... God bless him. Erika thanks them for caring so much but warns them never to do that again because somebody could've gotten really hurt. That means we hope they do it again cuz nobody probably minds Erika or the twerps taking a bit of pain once in awhile. "I guess we also learned something today", sums up Crystal, "Like those that really care about you will be there to do something in times of great need." Crystal speaks of this as if she was inspired by her favorite philosopher..... Jerry Garcia.

Erika agrees and so they learn a valuable lesson about good friends and they go on to have a great relationship with Erika and all the young'uns.

The End

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...................................well now that the story is over, I can go back to sippin' my cup o'..... OH SH*T!! I forgot about the gym battle rematch!!! F*CK!!!

A couple of moments later after the kids run around a bit and try to play with the pokemon and after all the twerps congratulate their pokemon for eliminating TR, Erika tells Crystal that her pokemon are ready and that they can still battle if she still feels like it. Crystal obviously agrees and thus we have the rematch of the hippie drug addict vs. the future Republican corporate cheerleader.

Crystal, Misty, and the kids that used pokemon returned their pokemon to their pokeballs and then Erika resumes her rule announcing. She states that as before, it's another 4 on 4 match and that Crystal should state whatever move she makes and why she makes it so that her students can understand why they're making each move. "That's fine with me!", replies Crystal as Erika explains that she's going to start with Tangela again because it's fast and reliable, just like your first pokemon out should be. So Tangela comes out making a weird, stupid noise as Crystal responds that she's going to counter with a fire pokemon because they have the advantage over grass types and thus throws out squeaky Cyndaquil.

Well... it should seem pretty apparent that Erika is just using this instructional smokescreen to scout Crystal and give her wealthy intelligence comrades all the necessary info they need to break her if necessary. But then again... that's what goes on in the real world, doesn't it?

"Cyndaquil", squeals the infantile fire mouse and then the battle begins. "Pay attention, kids, and watch how a grass pokemon can counter a fire pokemon", requests teacher Erika. She has Tangela use its vine whip to hurtle over Cyndaquil's first flamethrower attack. Erika battles and explains that a pokemon can counter a type disadvantage with good dexterity and speed.... she does both at the same time. Hmmph........... show off! "Well that's why we're going to equal that", interrupts Crystal, "Cyndaquil... use YOUR agility!" And so, Cyndaquil catches up to Tangela swinging around on its vines until.... Tangela turns around and suddenly tackles Cyndaquil.

Erika tells the students that she has to use many of Tangela's physical moves against Cyndaquil since its grass moves are normally ineffective. Thus, Erika tells them that she has another way to contain that Cyndaquil and calls for Tangela to use its constrict attack which stops Cyndaquil and then Tangela spins around extra quickly to bring Cyndaquil towards it. "That's an experience Tangela... and it really knows what it's doing. It's been well trained", states Justin as Misty quietly agrees. But then Crystal proclaims that no matter how many clever techniques Erika's grass pokemon can use, they still can't match up to the firepower of the infantile squeaky fire mouse.

What can I say but.............. dot dot dot???

Crystal tells it to use its flame wheel at maximum power and after a huge push that's bigger than the push you all use to get the turds outta your ass, Cyndaquil gets its flame up and its flame wheel burns Tangela forcing it to let go of Cyndaquil. Erika is worried about Tangela but one of her franchise pokemon wouldn't dare defy her by losing two consecutive battles and so it springs up as Crystal tries to have Cyndaquil finish it off with a flamethrower. But Erika insists that she and Tangela won't let them off so easy and makes the noodly pokemon use its vine whip. The catch here is that Tangela then spins around so fast that it creates a helicopter effect that Cyndaquil desperately tries to avoid with its agility but then eventually Cyndaquil does get whacked knocking it against the glass wall.

While Erika explains its pokemon's force to the clueless kids thinking Cyndaquil's knocked out, Crystal tries to keep Cyndaquil going. And with all its squealy might, he stays up and appears to be just fine. She turns around to see Cyndaquil standing and ready to battle some more while Crystal tells her that it's going to take a lot more to put down Cyndaquil. So Erika explains aloud that this is a tough Cyndaquil that'll take a good thrashing before going down. She then has Tangela charge up to it as fast as it can to try and administer sleep powder so it can knock out Cyndaquil the cheap way. But Cyndaquil stops it with a huge flamethrower before Tangela can get too close and Tangela has been knocked out of the battle.

Erika calls back Tangela who thanks it for getting its butt kicked and tells her kids to always be kind to pokemon that have just been involved in tough battles. To her, that would mean treating it like useless waste and saying an empty thanks to it from inside its pokeball. She also adds that no matter what Tangela tried to do there but this time, she's better prepared and knows how to counter the fire assault of Crystal. "You'd better know how to handle this assault, because I'm about to put on a clinic", threatens Erika. But not to be outdone in a place full of strange plants (a haven for our protagonist, no doubt), Crystal responds cleverly with a smile, "You'd be amazed at how much I can learn.... and then teach you." "Cyndaquil", agrees Cyndaquil as Erika reaches into her pocket to get another pocket ball (abbreviated today to say pokeball... but you knew that, you smartypants!).

<cue commercial> Who's that pokemon?? (This weird, useless pokemon looks like a kiddie balloon to some.)

It's Igglybuff......................... <squeaky> "Igglybuff."

So Erika opens her proverbial clinic and throws out her Bayleef again..... the same one that lost to Cyndaquil last time. Maybe Crystal's not the only one that needs that new random drug testing... and while we're on the subject, they should test Ash as well and get a wonderous reaction from the machine with beeps that machines have never made before. Crystal then tells the kids that since fire attacks worked on their teacher's previous grass pokemon, then she's going to use some more fire attacks on this one and has Cyndaquil use its flamethrower. Cyndaquil burns Bayleef with its flamethrower hurting it seriously as the students are concerned about (but probably secretly cheering against) Erika.

Erika though, has her burned and bruised Bayleef fight through it and body slam Cyndaquil making the tiny fire mouse tumble backwards. Crystal then tries to have Cyndaquil escape but something's obviously wrong because........... Cyndaquil can't move!!! And you can tell it's trying to because its squealing has reached glass-shattering decibels. "What's wrong Cyndaquil?", wonders Crystal. "It looks like Cyndaquil is paralyzed", states Justin. "Oh no... if Crystal doesn't have Cyndaquil, she'll be in a lot of trouble!", gasps Misty concerned with passion for her very good friend. Erika then snobbishly explains to her class that Bayleef's body slam had a better than average chance at paralyzing its opponent which works very well to slow down a speedy pokemon like Cyndaquil.

Crystal sighs in concern and asks Cyndaquil if it can continue and he nods his head saying he can. She then has Cyndaquil try to use its flamethrower again but Cyndaquil's paralysis is keeping him from lighting the fire on his back properly. "Oh no!", worries Crystal as Erika then has Bayleef show its power again with another body slam which slams Cyndaquil around the field. Bayleef then charges to body slam Cyndaquil one more time before Crystal begs Cyndaquil to light its fire again so it can burn Bayleef. Cyndaquil tries with all its might and squeals its loudest until............

.................PLOP!

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Yep.... that's the unmistakable signal that Cyndaquil's fire is lit!.... I guess... But anyway, Cyndaquil uses its flamethrower toasting Erika's Bayleef in its tracks before it can tackle Cyndaquil once again and thus, Bayleef is toast after two flamethrowers. "Nice comeback, Cyndaquil. That's two down and two to go!", encourages Crystal. "Cyndaquil's done a terrific job and has shown you all how to compete under much pressure", says Erika, "But now, class.... I'm going to assure that Cyndaquil's success ends here. Gooooooooo Vaporeon!" She winds back and throws out Vaporeon as Misty points out that it's back again. "It seems like the pokemon I should have at my gym...... and would badly love at my gym", gushes Misty as she blushes at the weird looking thing.

This prompts Justin to utter something dodgy saying, "Hmmm... compared to water pokemon trainers, men are much less like Mareep I suppose." "Keep your wisecracks to yourself, Little Bo Peep", mutters Misty slightly annoyed by Justin poking fun at her. More evidence of Justin/Mistyshipping?? Make of it what you will.....

Erika has Vaporeon use its hydro pump attack which hurtles towards Cyndaquil ready to douse the squealing fire mouse. Desperate, Crystal urges Cyndaquil to get out of the way but unfortunately, it seems to be having difficulty moving since IT WAS FREAKIN' PARALYZED!!! After the effects of her extasy binge kicked in, Crystal's head recovers out of it and tries to make Cyndaquil try to stop the water blast somehow. But Misty tells her and the students that, "Crystal.... it's no use!" "Cyndaquil has no chance.... you have to call it back now!", shouts Justin. So Crystal spends the last remaining second worrying as she sees Cyndaquil get washed away by Vaporeon's hydro pump.

Erika explains to her kids how powerful water attacks can wipe out fire pokemon and explaining that she facilitated the process by paralyzing Cyndaquil. Meanwhile, Crystal goes to pick up the beaten Cyndaquil and rub it a little and kiss its boo-boos.

Ohhhh.... GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA!!

She then tells him that he deserves a nice, long rest and returns it to its pokeball. Erika then asks Crystal what pokemon she's going to choose next and why. Crystal says, "Now I choose... Bulbasaur!", and Bulbasaur comes out still surly and ready for Erika's preppy franchise pokemon. "BULBASAAAAAUUR!", shouts Bulbasaur as Crystal explains that she wanted a pokemon that can handle water pokemon well and also perform well in grass environments like Bulbasaur does. "Plus, Bulbasaur is extra tough which is extra good for an extra tough battle" according to Cris-tal.

"Bulbasaur did really well last time not only because of its toughness class, but also because it got some good breaks enabling it to last long. I'm thinking as I battle in order to determine exactly how to wear down her Bulbasaur!", explains Crystal. "She's going to use Vaporeon's best physical attacks to wear down Bulbasaur as much as possible. So I'm going to try to win this as fast as possible. Bulbasaur... use your solar beam!", shouts Crystal. Erika responds by explaining to her class to watch as she slows down Bulbasaur's solar beam and tells Vaporeon to use its rain dance attack. Vaporeon's eyes then begin to turn blue again in what can be seen as not much of a dance.

But still, the room turns darker as the sunlight disappears. Meanwhile, Bulbasaur is continuing to charge up its solar beam as Crystal is getting concerned about how much time it's taking. "Oh no.... Bulbasaur's helpless and vulnerable to attacks", then says Crystal. Erika then has Vaporeon blast the tough seedy pokemon with its hydro pump sending it tumbling. But Bulbasaur is still pent up with energy and is still charging up its solar beam while Erika points out to the class that Vaporeon's hydro pump was magnified by the previous rain dance attack.

Bulbasaur is still charging up its solar beam attack and that allows Erika to have Vaporeon to attack Bulbasaur again with a quick attack while Erika explains to everyone what's she's doing. Bulbasaur takes another couple of bruises from Vaporeon as Misty claims that Vaporeon seems energized from that rain dance attack. "Crystal better think of something fast or else Bulbasaur might be upset by Vaporeon", claims Justin aloud to the gym. Crystal urges Bulbasaur to hurry its solar beam and Bulbasaur is being extra gritty and groaning more until Crystal sees that Bulbasaur's bulb is charged and ready to attack thus telling the interested students.

Thus, Bulbasaur uses its solar beam which knocks down Vaporeon, but because the rain dance weakened the attack, Vaporeon is able to survive. Some of the kids cheer for Vaporeon but Sandy (I believe it's her.... but even if it ain't, no one should care... they're all interchangable) wonders why the water type Vaporeon was able to survive a solar beam and Erika answers that the rain dance is still in effect and protecting Vaporeon in a sense. "So now we have an extra obstacle to work through if Bulbasaur and I are going to knockout Vaporeon", states Crystal to the young 'uns.

Erika states that Vaporeon is still battered from Bulbasaur's powerful solar beam so she's going to have it rest to restore its energy. And so, she commands.... it sleeps......... like a mommy to a bratty kid. So Vaporeon is snoozing and Crystal thinks that this is an opportunity to rush it much like she probably does when Justin, Misty, or mama go to bed to swipe cash so she can keep her special stash of goodies replenished. So Crystal explains that Vaporeon's rest will last for quite some time so it's immobilized while Bulbasaur can attack. "Don't be so sure.... Vaporeon!!! Use your snore attack!", commands Erika.

So Vaporeon begins to sleepwalk around again ready to attack Bulbasaur as Crystal can't believe she forgot about Vaporeon's snore attack which then makes Vaporeon use its first attack which just happens to be absorb which saps a little bit of Bulbasaur's pent-up frustrated energy, but overall is just a very weak attack. "Well... I guess there's no better strategy now than hitting the opponent with all your pokemon's best attacks. Bulbasaur..... use your sharpest razor leaf and make sure they don't miss!!", shouts Crystal although her shouting is extremely mellow compared to Prof. Oakky's boy, Ash.

Bulbasaur is true to its cause and stings Vaporeon with its razor leaf attack. Erika has Vaporeon continue attacking with another random snore attack which this time.... is a much more effective poison sting attack. Crystal asks Bulbasaur if it's alright and Bulbasaur moans, "Bulba!", saying of course it's fine bi-aattch! Bulbasaur then uses another razor leaf since Crystal liked the way it worked before and it cuts Vaporeon down to size to the surprise of Erika. But Vaporeon is still barely alive and battling, Erika notes this and explains to her class that Vaporeon is tired and unable to recover since its already asleep so she has to have Vaporeon use its snore attack and hope it's something good that'll beat Bulbasaur.

So Vaporeon uses snore one more time and it ends up sending a jolt of energy along the ground heading right for Bulbasaur. "What is that??", wonders Misty as well as the little kiddies I'm sure. "Oh no! That's a fissure attack (gasping abound).... if that hits Bulbasaur, it'll be lights out no matter what!", says Justin. The fissure heads for Bulbasaur and Crystal desperately tries to have it escape but then............ but then........... Bulbasaur does escape at the very last second as if it's too angry to endure that crap seriously. Erika gasps that it didn't work as Crystal and Bulbasaur go in for the kill with one more razor leaf attack.

Next thing you know, Vaporeon is down and called back to its pokeball... and Erika only has one pokemon left as Misty points out. Erika tells everyone that she's down to her last pokemon and so she tells everyone that they're going to see why her last pokemon is her biggest franchise player as we get back into her crap and talking about franchise pokemon and that weird shiznit again. Crystal stares with determination understanding what and how good the last pokemon is as does Pikachu. So Erika winds up and says, "The real lesson is just about to start. Gooooooo Bellossom!" And out comes the flowery #1 franchise pokemon of Erika's powerful, money-backed grass pokemon roster with a, "Bellaaah!"

"Pay attention, class. You're about to see what separates a great grass pokemon from a superior grass pokemon", announces Erika giving Crystal every rightful reason to grrrr like Ash. But she's too peaceful to do that, so she just states, "Yeah... and I'll come up with a strategy that proves that Bulbasaur is superior." And so Crystal begins to battle Bellossom with her special strategy which is.............. umm..... she's still thinking..... OH COME ON... oh wait... I guess she's going to start with a vine whip attack.

Bulbasaur whips out its vines angrily but Bellossom easily dances around them and then uses a powerful acid attack since its odor was strong as a Gloom if you remember Indigo. The acid wears away Bulbasaur making it weaker but it's no problem because Crystal has a strategy, right? Right??? Well Crystal ummm's....... and then, uhhh.... she has it try its vine whip again. And this time, it actually catches Bellossom surrounding it in its surly tightened vines. "Great!!", shouts Crystal who seems to finally have an idea of what to do now that Bulbasaur has a temporary advantage, "Now bring it in."

But as Bulbasaur tries to pull Bellossom towards it, Erika has Bellossom escape to the shock of Crystal and Bulbasaur. "But how?", wonders Crystal as Erika answers, "Bellossom's high level means that it's enabled to have greater strength and mobility enabling for example, its escape of that vine whip. And now Bellossom, it's time to show everyone, especially Bulbasaur what grass pokemon are really capable of. Use your petal dance!" Bellossom then initiates a super fast spin making petals fly out and float around Bulbasaur making it weaker. "That was Bellossom's special attack.... the petal dance", notes Justin.

Crystal then has Bulbasaur try to escape and use its tackle as part of Crystal's big strategy for beating Bellossom. But Bellossom easily avoids Bulbasaur's charge not once, but twice as Erika comments, "It'll take more than that to get to Bellossom." "That Bellossom is too strong and too fast for Bulbasaur", worries Misty. "Crystal, you'd better switch pokemon!", yells Justin out to Crystal. Crystal agonizes with the decision and wonders if she should abandon her strategy.... and after the last throb of her headache from too much amphetamines, she returns Bulbasaur to her pokeball.

Thus the lesson of this battle??? That strategy that Crystal had in her mind.... probably just a hallucination. She had no f*ckin idea how to beat Bellossom with an obviously more tired and less skilled Bulbasaur. Sorry.... Bulbasaur is surly and pissed off but it ain't invincible.

She tells Bulbasaur in its pokeball thanks for a good job and then thinks that she needs a pokemon that has the levels and speed to battle with Bellossom. So she turns to Pikachu who seems to have unsettled business with Bellossom and with Erika as we see its fake looking rosy cheeks juicing up with voltage. Feel free to make any French theme connections regarding this what you will in your own mind. But anyway, Crystal sends out Pikachu to battle Bellossom yet again. This prompts Erika to ask her, "But Crystal, don't you know that electric types are weak against grass types." "I know... but Pikachu has already battled successfully against pokemon types that electrics have disadvantages against. And it has the levels to compete with your Bellossom.... so I'm staying with Pikachu!", explains Crystal to everyone. "PIKACHU!", shouts Pikachu who just wants to shock something already.

Pikachu starts out with a thunder attack with unleashes a massive jolt of electric energy. Unfortunately, none of it hits Bellossom who hops around it and then unleashes another petal dance on Pikachu. Pikachu quickly escapes as Crystal has it use agility and then Pikachu goes into a quick attack which knocks back Bellossom. "Nice, Pikachu", shouts Crystal in encouragement. "If you think that's nice, wait till you see what Bellossom is REALLY capable of. Bellossom... use your giga drain!", shouts Erika. Bellossom then chants as an eerie blue glow surfaces around its flowery body. We then see Pikachu aching and struggling to stay up as we see energy magically getting sucked from Pikachu back towards Bellossom.

"Giga drain is a very powerful grass attack that saps energy from an opposing pokemon and partially recovers the attacker's energy", explains Erika to her class. "I don't know if Pikachu's strong enough to handle Bellossom, either", wonders Misty as she wonders what her friend can think of to counter Bellossom's powerful grass attacks. Erika then tells Bellossom to give Pikachu a tornado twister attack. "A tornado twister attack?!", wonders Crystal. "Pika-pika?!", adds Pikachu. Bellossom then begins to spin again, but instead of emitting parts of its body, it generates a big cyclone of wind which surrounds Pikachu, picks it up, and threatens to drop it down from high up.

"Oh no.... poor Pikachu!", shout Justin and Misty as Pikachu falls towards the ground. Crystal looks up worried until she figures, "Pikachu!!! Wait! Pikachu.... use your thunderbolt!" Pikachu charges up as it falls to the ground like a diving missile. The electric energy then shocks Bellossom damaging Erika's franchise playa pretty good. Pikachu then falls to the ground and struggles to get up from the fall as Bellossom also struggles to get up. "It'll take more than that to put down my Bellossom", states Erika as she has it recover using its giga drain.

The second giga drain saps Pikachu's energy to its limit as Pikachu is in obvious pain. "Pikachu can't last any longer", states Misty noting the obvious. "Crystal... you'd better switch to Noctowl", advises Justin suggesting the smartest and most sensible plan of action. But after Crystal thinks about it, she claims to have another idea from her crazy swirling head. She calls back Pikachu and then says she's going to put in Sandshrew. "Pika?!", wonders Pikachu getting edgy about being replaced because there's a pokemon more loved than it.

Pikachu resists at first until Sandshrew comes out to talk to Pikachu and console it promising lots of mature goodies I'm pretty sure and perhaps telling the electric rodent about Crystal's plan. That calms Pikachu for now as it comes back towards Crystal though grumpy albeit. Sandshrew then scampers out to face Bellossom making Erika ask, "Crystal, Sandshrew is a ground and rock pokemon. Why would you ever pit it against Bellossom? It doesn't have a chance." "Yes it does because it's strength and speed is top of the line meaning it won't miss Bellossom with its special attack", states Crystal. "What special attack?", wonders Erika as Crystal orders Sandshrew to use its toxic attack to poison Bellossom. The flowery pokemon tries to get away but to no avail as it gets poisoned by the toxic liquid spewed from Sandshrew (NO... DON'T START!).

Erika asks poor wittle Bella if it's alright and it seems fine other than being and looking as poisoned as Michael Jackson's face and career. "That poison is going to take a little time to wear down Bellossom... so we're going to have to teach Sandshrew a lesson and put it down right away! Bellossom! The rain dance effect has worn off... so use your solar beam and we're assured of victory!", declares Erika. Confident upfront, Crystal replies, "I wouldn't be so sure, Erika", before thinking to herself, "I hope this pays off." She then yells for Sandshrew to use a heavy sand attack to blind Bellossom and make it miss. Sandshrew kicks up a lot of sand out of nowhere making Bellossom cover its eyes real tight. Then Bellossom eventually lets its solar beam go as it heads straight for Sandshrew and ends up making the whole building flash brightly.

Everybody is blinded by the light as Crystal then turns her head back towards the battle and hopes for Sandshrew to be okay. And when the battlers comes back into vision, we see Sandshrew ducking and covering while bracing for the worst. But.... it appears that the solar blast just missed him and he's perfectly fine. "All right!", shouts Crystal happy that Sandshrew's still alive as is Pikachu. "Sandshrew can really hang in there in the toughest situations", observes Justin as Crystal explains to the class that the sand attack disrupted Bellossom's aim making it's solar beam miss Sandshrew.

"That's true but Sandshrew's far from out of the woods yet", declares Erika. "That's fine. Sandshrew... use body slam attack!", orders Crystal and Sandshrew slams Bellossom to the ground since the flower pokemon was slowed by the poison. Bellossom then tries to use giga drain again to restore some of its energy, but as Bellossom begins to turn blue again, Crystal has Sandshrew break out of it with another sand attack that breaks Bellossom's concentration. "Bellossom's now weakened enough from the poison that Sandshrew can finish it off. With Bellossom on the ropes, Crystal has Sandshrew use another body slam to knock out Bellossom and triumph over Erika.

Crystal celebrates with Sandshrew and Pikachu as Erika goes over to thank Bellossom for its ass whoopin' and for helping to give her right wing buddies training info. "Nice job, Crystal! And don't forget the pokemon, too", shouts Justin not forgetting the pokemon who actually do all the friggin work and get no credit. Erika then goes back to her class and asks them if they learned from and enjoyed the battle. And they all go, "Yeeeesss Ms. Erika", in unison like you all used to do in kid-nee-garten. One of the girls then tells Crystal that she and her pokemon were great and that they had no idea that pokemon can overcome any obstacles if trainers learn to think. "I guess that would have to be true, isn't that right Sandshrew?", replies Crystal and Sandshrew agrees as it's being carried in Crystal's arms.

We don't see Pikachu's reaction but one can guess that the mouse is pretty cranky. I mean.... it was promised a fun time by Sandshrew who's now getting the victory treatment.... wouldn't you be unpleased, as well??

Another girl claims that from now on, she's going to learn to use her head when she's battling pokemon. Erika then comes over to tell her that she and her class benefited a lot from her visit and that she battled very impressively. She then graciously hands over the Kanto League rainbow badge and then says that she absolutely earned it. Crystal takes the golden badge and then turns to show the home audience. Misty then asks her about the next nearest Kanto Gym (which would be hers, but we're past that so nobody cares) and Erika tells them about the Fuchsia? (damn trick spelling!) Gym to the south. Crystal then thanks them for the hospitality (w/o freeloading... what a concept!) and are ready to leave.

"We're off to continue the Kanto League journey!", states Justin. "Hey... um... Erika?", asks Crystal getting her attention once more as the elitist perfume tycoon sees her and Misty blushing. "Uh... can we ask for one more favor?", Crystal wonders. "Sure", replies Erika as Misty mutters, "Can we..... uh... tour the garden one more time?" This makes Justin fall over as he lands on the threesome's heavily loaded supplies as he was about to walk out. And so, one day those innocent kids that Crystal took the time to school will eventually go into the raunchy garden and see exactly how naughty their teacher is. But until they turn 13, they're just gonna be pawns of their wealthy parents and guardians. So don't worry if you don't miss the little tykes, they're gonna grow up to be spoiled assholes anyway.

<cue commercial> Who's that pokemon?? (This pokemon can and does shake its boobies.)

It's Nidoqueen! ...................... "Rrraaaaaaaarrrww!"

And as far as TR, since they're the extreme opposite of Erika's kids, they've mired themselves into more bad luck. They seem to have landed in another paradise type garden as Jessie and Meowth commenting about how peaceful it is. "It's so peaceful, I could snora like a Sunflora", quips Meowth. As for James though, he like the plant life but he certainly doesn't seem as giddy as he did when he was in Erika's garden. "I'm sure this garden can't be that bad", figures James. "Woooooobbuuhhffet", adds Wobbuffet saluting. And then as usual, out pops an array of spooky pokemon such as Ivysaurs, Parasects, and tons of other bug types. Then they all begin to hiss at TR and attack them for invading their garden.

"OHHHHH NOOOOOOO!", shouts TR in horror before Wobbuffet sums up their bad luck and another Pokemon Crystal episode appropriately.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBUUUUUUHH!"