Dragonitemare presents

Pokemon Crystal series

Ep. 5

We begin this episode not with Team Twerp, not with Team Rocket, not even with Prof. Oak, Mr. Mime, and Mrs. Ketchum in the bedroom. No, for we begin this one with ABC's special coverage of the Johto tournament Sweet 16 round with Al Michaels anchoring.

"Welcome back to this Sweet 16 match intermission report. Al Michaels here along with Azalea Town native Kurt Jacobsen here." announces Michaels.

Note: Yep, it's that dirty old man with the Slowpoke costumes and the special pokeball sex toy...

"Right now, J. P. Bonnette leads opponent Ash Ketchum 2-1 during the intermission as they change the field to an sticky bug type surface. So while that happens, let's get caught up on some of the highlights from the match so far." continues Michaels. As they get caught up on the highlights of the match.

They show Snorlax knocking out Hitmonlee, JP's first pokemon. And then it gets knocked out by Pinsir with a guillotine attack. So Ash sends out Cyndaquil but the highlights show Pinsir dodging the attacks and finishing off Cyndaquil with a seismic toss. And that's where the match stands now.

Then they show some of the other finals from earlier Sweet 16 matches. They show the highlights from Gary's match showing the final battle highlights of Gary's Arcanine vs. the opponent's Octillery which they show Arcanine being finished off with an octazooka attack. Thus, Gary loses his Sweet 16 match 3-2. And in other scores, Justin wins his match 3-2 over Lucia Perelman. And bugger! Richie wins his match 3-1 over some guy named Andrew Armstrong.

Michaels closes by saying, "Stay tuned we'll be back with more action after this." And zooming out of the TV screen we see Misty, Brock, and Tracey in the food court (hmmm, no Old Man Oak, no Mrs. Ketchum.... at their son's match no less) watching the scores.

"Ash must have a lot on his mind right now." says a concerned Misty. And speaking of a lot on the mind, Psyduck pops out to get some fresh air. Misty though, who isn't in a good mood because her Ash is losing, shouts, "And I don't need any more on my mind so get back in your pokeball!"

"Psyyy." remarks Psyduck dejectedly as it comes back into the pokeball. Brock cuts in to say, "With all these tough trainers going down, I just hope Ash does the right thing with this next battle.."

<cue intro>

Back in the bleacher after their intermission snack (or Tracey's intermission buffet dinner), the trio of sidekicks are still talking about what Ash will do. "Ash better come up with a gameplan fast." states Misty. <snicker> heh...wishful thinking Misty! Then Tracey, who gets up close to Misty, asks, "But what pokemon will Ash use?" Brock answers, "Judging from the battle surface, I think he going to use Heracross."

Oh boy.... a kick ass conclusion to a battle with some perversion thrown in as well.

Back on the field, the battle resumes and Ash does just what Brock said he'd do and thus, Heracross pops out. Brock and Misty notice that Heracross isn't distracted by the sap anymore which is lying all around the surface. Then, in a dodgy line of infamy, Brock turns to Tracey and tells him, "Prof. Oak must've really done something interesting to get Heracross over his sap addiction." Tracey replies to this in perhaps his dodgiest quote of all-time, "Oh yeah, we've been extremely busy with Heracross!"

Hehehehehehehehehe! Oh that Tracey! Maybe I don't want to think about it anymore....ewwww.

Anyway, the match begins and Pinsir hits Heracross with a rock slide attack. Heracross looks weary and Pinsir tells it to finish off the sexual pervert. But Ash tells Heracross to counter with a horn attack which he does and then Ash tells him to use his fury attack.

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.................

My god... being a pervert is one thing but this just plain wrong!!!

So Heracross picks up Pinsir and starts to put its horn/sex tool into overdrive and it unleashes its "fury" on Pinsir. After a giant orgasm and a roar from a sexually perverted crowd that loves to see wild, raw bug sex, Pinsir passes out and it's MOST DEFINITELY unable to continue.

So JP has one pokemon left and he knows he needs a pokemon that can "keep up" with Heracross. So he looks at Ash right in the eye and tells him, "The party's over!" The pokeball comes out and out comes Rapidash.

This makes Ash's sidekicks nervous for they know bug types are weak against fire types. A hopeless Misty squeaks out, "How can Ash win this one?" JP orders Rapidash to use fire blast but Heracross keeps it away with endure. Then Ash yells at Heracross to use its scary face attack and this slows down Rapidash. This allows Heracross to use a body slam to further slow down Rapidash.

Then, JP tells Rapidash to finish Heracross with a take down attack. But Heracross endures this too and then Ash commands to finish it with a megahorn. Now all this attack is is basically just a major thrust to the opponent probably taught to Heracross by Prof. Oak.

So Heracross gets underneath Rapidash and uses one major "thrust" and with that, Rapidash is fixed and goes down. And Ash wins his Sweet 16 match thanks to some perversion power. "He won, I can't believe it!" exclaims Tracey with Misty staring at Ash in delight. He goes to congradulate Heracross but Heracross is more interested in replenishing its energy with some of the sap lying around the field. Ash just laughs and says, "Eat up Heracross.... you've earned it."

Well that might have certainly earned my vote for Most Disturbing Match of the year.

Back at their rental home for the Johto league, the whole crew is congratulating Ash and Heracross with their victory. "I knew our work with Heracross would pay off." exclaims Old Man Oak. Boy...................... did it ever! "Oh... and I dont know if it yet, but Gary lost his match today." He adds.

Everyone else keeps raving and Ash keeps boasting.... and during this, Togepi dances and roars with excitement proclaiming, "Great, the more trainers this Simpleton beats, the more powerful I'll become being his girlfriends favorite pokemon and soon...... soon pokemon will take over the world and I..... I will be their leader, Mwahahahahahahahaha!"

But to everyone in the room it just sounds like, "Toge-toge-toge-priiii!" And all Misty can see is that, "Even Togepi's partying up in here! Oh... I'm so excited that Ash is in the top 8!" Oh yeah...Togepi's excited all right and Ash has the perfect opportunity to get laid... but can he do it for once, will Ash get some of Misty? The odds right now are at 10-1.

And then the little egg thingy goes over to Heracross and probably tells it that it will be rewarded handsomely once Togepi becomes ruler. Then it goes to the rest of Ash's pokemon: Meganium, Cyndaquil, Totodile, Pikachu and Snorlax outside (who's too big to be inside) that under Togepi's rule, they'll will live in the lap of luxury and will no longer have to listen to brain-dead Ash Ketchum. The pokemon like what they're hearing from the little egg thingy.

Great.... now the freaky egg is becoming a politician. Maybe it can run against Dubya in the next election.

After a few hours of boozin' and celebrating, they hear an announcement that all trainers in the Johto league top 8 must immediately report in front of the main pokemon center for a mandatory surprise pokemon inspection. Ash wonders why they would want to inspect pokemon now. But the inspectors going around in the van aren't ordinary inspectors, why they're Team Rocket of course.

Off the loudspeaker, TR is snickering about their latest plot. "At last, we finally gots ourselves the ticket to the most powerful pokemon in da land." exclaims Meowth. Jessie adds, "And this time, we're better prepared with our phony inspection so those twerps will never know what hit them."

Ash tells the rest that he has to go. He meets up at the inspection area and finds Justin. Ash, glad to see his friend shouts, "Hey, won your match, huh?" Justin replies, "Yeah, but it was anything but easy." And they chatter until Richie <shudder> shows up. Ash is delighted to see his old friend and they greet each other. Then, Ash introduces Richie to Justin to which Justin says, "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Yeah... a real "pleasure". He's even turning Justin into a softee <shudder>.

Justin asked about how they met before and they reminisce about that travesty of a match at the Indigo league. They also talked about how they battled Team Rocket and became really good friends.

After that, our "inspectors" show up in uniform disguises and begin to address the trainers. "Ok, welcome top 8 trainers!", begins Jessie, "We need to perform a thorough inspection of all of your pokemon at this time." "Now don't be alarmed, this simple process will only take about 10-15 minutes." adds James. "You'll have your pokemon back in no time." squeals James.

Now, with this guy squealing and all, the only thing Justin can think of is, "Well at least it won't take long!" Then, J & J come to Ash who empties out his pokemon into the bag falling for yet another phony inspection. "Pikachu, toooooo!" sings Jessie as Pikachu goes in the bag. Ash tells them to be careful with his pokemon and they seem to get away until that little bugger Richie comes on to something.

"Wait a minute! This scenario seems very familiar!" exclaims a very suspicious Richie while Ash can only draw a "Huh?". Once on top of the van, TR laughs and thanks them for their cooperation. This is when Richie/Bitch figures things out and says that they must be Team Rocket proving his intelligence over Ash.This flusters TR and gets them to expose their scam.

"Ahahahahahahaha...Prepare for trouble this indeed is a scam!"
"Make it double, a con-artist I am"
"To protect the world from devastation"
"To unite all people within our nation"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love"
"To extend our reach to the stars above"
"Jessie"
"James"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight fight fight"
"Meowth, that's right!" shouts Meowth leaping up to the roof.

"Well if it isn't Team Rocket..... again...." says a stonefaced Justin. Meanwhile, excited little boy Ash tells Richie, "Wow, you really saw through Team Rocket's disguise." "I didn't..... that's why they have my pokemon right now." replies an equally stonefaced Richie. "Oh yeah!" spoofs Ash.

Wow.... Ash Ketchum be a 12 year old first grader. No?

Meanwhile, someone else with intelligence cuts the crap saying, "Enough crap... let's get our pokemon back!" "Yeah!" agree the rest and they try to block TR. But James lets out the horrendous monstrosity that should be shot dead for its own good (informally it's known as Weezing) and it attacks the trainers with a smog attack and the TR van makes a getaway.

"We've got to go after them!" shouts Ash who starts to take off but is then held up by an older, wiser Justin. "But how can we go after them w/o any pokemon says Justin knocking a teeny bit of sense into him. Ash sighs and responds, "I guess you're right" he then grrrrr's out "Grrrrrrrrrrrr Team Rocket!"

<cue commercial>

All of the trainers are upset over losing their pokemon and not getting to do anything about it. Ash worries about Pikachu while Richie snivels like a baby, upset that he lost his beloved Tyler. And believe me..... you're soon about to see why it's so beloved......(heh heh heh heh heh heh heh).

But we cut to TR who's laughing about their successful scam. James, trying to go ghetto, says, "We been workin' mad hard for so long.... it's a blessin' that we finally be gettin' paid!" "Can it, Homey J!", snaps Meowth, "no one here wants to hear expired slang!" "I hear that", adds Jessie.

This is when Wobbuffet pops out to greet and delight us all. Unfortunately, Jessie's not too delighted at its premature appearance. "We're not celebrating yet so don't come out of your pokeball till I say so!" she snaps. "Wobb!" replies Wobbuffet.

Back in front of the Pokemon Center, Nurse Joy asks what just happened and Justin tells her about Team Rocket's scam to try and get some of her comfort. But the one that looks the saddest now (and deserves to be the saddest and is the saddest) is Richie. Ash asks what's bothering him (which is the SAME FREAKIN' THING THAT SHOULD BE BOTHERING HIM) and Richie replies, "I can't let Team Rocket ruin things now especially after all the training I went through with Tyler." "What kind of training?" replies dimwitted Ash.

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..................What kind of training? What kind of training?!?!?!?!? What kind of a moron is Ash Ketchum anyway? You would think that the training he's talking about is maybe, just maybe........... pokemon training?????????!?

Nevertheless, Richie/Bitch tells him that they trained really hard and that takes us to a disturbing flashback. "It was very intense training." tells Richie who is shouting behind a closed door at Tyler to "keep it up". And then, in a gross act of pokemon and sexual abuse, we hear the little shit tell Tyler to "suck it in.... keep going".

Now this proves two big points about Richie. Number 1: Richie is a loser who relies on an ugly ass pokemon for lovin and will never eeeeeeeeever get a real woman in his lifetime. Number 2: This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Richie does in fact...........SUCK! (rim shot)

In the flashback, we never actually see anything that happens (thank God) and Richie is able to conclude because he's telling the only person thick enough that could hear disturbing imagery like that and not lose his or her lunch..... Ash Ketchum. Unaware of the tale of sodomy Ash just heard, Justin comes over and tells the two kids, "My family is going to flip!!!" "Mine too" adds Richie. Ash then tells them that maybe they can get some help from some of his friends.

After some decapitated Farfetch'd heads fly by the screen, Ash, Justin, and (unfortunately) Richie arrive at Ash's villa where the whole crew is waiting. "Hey! You're back, Ash!" yells Brock. "Hey, it's Richie!" notes Misty. "What's with you guys?" asks Prof. Oak. Ash shouts, "Our pokemon have been stolen by Team Rocket!" Everyone shouts and then Justin adds, "That whole inspection thing was a hoax!"

Misty replies, "Then let's go after those three scumbags!" getting really nasty and Brock and Tracey agree with her. Now you would expect the police to go on a massive manhunt for those who stole the pokemon of all eight quarterfinalists. But since the police force in Johto is made entirely of Officer Jenny's and since they're too lazy and corrupt to actually do..... let's say......... their job, it's up to Ash & co. to find TR and save the Johto tournament.

They all rush outside and that is when Tracey and Brock call out their pokemon. Tracey calls out Scyther, Marill, and Venonat in that order and Brock calls out Onix. Tracey tells Marill and Venonat to search for TR using their super senses. After a short while, they track TR with their powers and Tracey yells at the rest to come on.

Tracey, Marill, and Venonat ride Scyther. (Poor Scyther......it has soooo much weight to carry around) And everyone else including Justin and Richie ride on Onix who follows behind Tracey and Scyther. "You keeping track of them guys?" ask Tracey. Venonat and Marill confirm that they are while Scyther, burdened by the weight he's carrying is sweating and starting to tire. "Just keep it up Scyther... you're doing fine!" urges Tracey.

Sure...easy for you to say Tracey...

Meanwhile at a nearby park, TR is deciding how they should divide up the pokemon. Meowth teases James saying, "Maybe you can have all the Jumpluffs since you're such a cream puff!" An angered James replies, "How dare you insult my good name!" Jessie tries to calm down James telling him they should celebrate. But Meowth adds to their anger saying, "Yeah.... and cream puffs are excellent for celebratin'." This statement is actually pretty true but it still enrages James.

He starts choking the loud-mouthed scratch cat and yelling at it. Wobbuffet comes out ready to celebrate only to see the turmoil surrounding him. Jessie butts in and starts to smack them both down saying again that they should be celebrating as a team.

"The only thing you'll be celebrating is jail!" yells Tracey crashing their party. TR stops fighting, notices the "pokemon watcher" (hehehehehe), and then they yell. Ash comes in with the crew and yells at TR, "And you're about to see the slammer real soon." I'm not really sure what that means but anyway, TR is frightened and in defense mode.

But while they are yelling at Team Toyboy, a mysterious shadow of a pretty big pokemon appears and is watching the action from a distance. It is waiting to see what unfolds before it makes any kind of appearance.

Anyway, Ash yells at TR that they are taking the pokemon back and they don't feel like having TR get in the way this time.

...............???????????? Hmmmmm, guess Jessie isn't turning him on today.....

Jessie replies, "Too bad! you're not getting to us this time!" Jessie calls out Arbok to attack and Tracey sends out super pimp Scyther to battle. Arbok is told to wrap around Scyther but Scyther keeps it off with a swords dance attack. Thus, it spins to keep it off. So Arbok tries to use a poison sting attack and Scyther dodges that as well. Then, Scyther hits Arbok with a slash attack to send it reeling.

While the battle takes place, Ash, Richie (die! die! DIE!), and Brock decide they should try to sneak into the trailer and snatch the pokeballs. But Meowth leaps in front of them with James behind him and Meowth yells at them, "You twoips ain't gettin your grubby paws on da pokemon we stole fair n squaya!" Then James sends out Weezing, the ugly type pokemon, to stop them. Brock then sends Onix into action against Weezing hitting it with a tackle attack.

Meanwhile, the mysterious creature with the shadow that is looking on in the distance decides to get a closer look at the situation so we see it fly up into the air.

And it's a good thing for Team Twerp that the mystery creature is on its way... for TR is.... no ....... it can't be........ this can't be right, I think ..... but anyway, Team Rocket is winning. Now granted they're not facing Ash and all but still.... our heroes are winning and we love every second of that.

Arbok stops Scyther with a glare attack right at the edge of this cliff and Weezing sends Onix reeling with a sludge bomb. Jessie then tells Arbok to finish it off with a tackle attack. Now of course to make it dramatic ... Scyther is right on the edge of the cliff as I mentioned and a tackle attack would send it.......... to its DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!! but they never actually tell you in the story since Pokemon (Johto) is a "kids" show after all.

They just show Arbok take about ten seconds to go ten feet to reach Scyther while Tracey shouts in desperation, "Scyther, no!!!" like it will do any good. And that is when the mysterious shadow monster swoops in and saves Scyther, right?????????????

Actually, no not yet. But as Arbok goes in to murder super pimp Scyther for not giving him any of his Scyther hos.... Arbok is stopped in its tracks by Marill's water gun. It allows Scyther to escape and the annoying Marill decides to butt in and takes the place of the super pimp. Marill hits Arbok and Weezing with water gun and starts to beat them. That is until Jessie spots a still celebrating Wobbuffet and just throws it into the fray.

Misty then warns Tracey about Wobbuffet's counter attack but Tracey doesn't listen and orders Marill to fire a water gun which Wobbuffet easily counters knocking down Marill. Tracey shouts at Marill, asking it if it's ok and it looks like it's out. But instead..... it flashes and changes form. Yep boys and girls, Marill just evolved into Azumarill (that rabbit pokemon from Love, Totodile Style).

Misty, Brock, and Old Man Oak are beaming at the sight of Azumarill while Ash decides that this emergency situation is a good time to check out Dexter about a pokemon he has already seen. Misty tells Old Man Oak, "Marill must have evolved because you and Tracey have been working with it so much."

Oh Misty............ you don't know how right you are!

Oak with his perverted ways agrees showing a sweatdrop. And then, Azumarill hops back up and continues to attack Arbok, Weezing, and Wobbuffet. It fires a water gun at Weezing and then Jessie shouts at Arbok to bite it. (GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA!!) Everyone on Team Twerp gasps and then a monster swoops by so fast that no one can recognize what it is. It slams Arbok, Weezing, and Wobbuffet back against the trailer.... but WHAT IS IT???

The monster lands on top of the van with a shadow still draped over its body so you can't tell what it is. TR turns to the thing on top of their trailer and Jessie (being the leader) yells at it, "How dare you attack us like that... you have no business in this situation!" Then Meowth yells at it with a bomb in hand saying, "Let's see how you handle this business!", and Meowth throws the bomb towards the monster. However, it detonates and the monster lurking in the shadows seems to be unphased.

Now Ash is excited that this thing has come to help him out. He yells at the thing, "Come on, show them no mercy!!" TR is stunned that the bomb didn't phase the monster. Meowth then shouts the obvious, "We gotta do somethin!!!!!" as their pokemon gather around J, J, & M. But before they can order an attack, Justin and <shudder> Richie pop out of the trailer with all of the captured pokemon including Pikachu who runs right over to Ash as they do one of those tearful reunions for about the 1000th time.

Now horrified, TR is even more angry at the mystery monster with James saying, "You are gonna be sorry you big thug!" And they charge toward the trailer which triggers a huge roar and a menacing look from the monster. Then, it flies around in a circle and prepares to assault TR.

"Look at it go!" shouts Misty. Brock adds, "It looks better than ever." careful not to reveal the identity of this shadowy pokemon. It then flies towards TR at blinding speed. Jessie and James are hugging in fear with James putting Meowth in between them. And with an amazing display of might sends TR, their pokemon and even their trailer blasting off again.

Justin and Richie are amazed by this stunning pokemon force. Misty, Brock, Tracey, and his pokemon are beaming. And then, Ash grows a set of balls and asks this mysterious creature a favor. "You've come to save me! .....hey! will you please fight alongside me just for the Johto tournament?" he asks. The monster replies with a deep roar though we don't actually see the thing agree with Ash. Ash is just more than willing to rejoice with happiness and call it into a pokeball.

We then see Ash and Pikachu look fondly at the pokeball while we are taken back inside another local pokemon center. First, Nurse Joy thanks Ash & co. for rescuing the pokemon from TR to which Ash says in a flattered tone, "It was the pokemon that deserve all the credit, especially Tracey's pokemon." "Heh you guys did great!" says Tracey speaking to Venonat, Scyther, and Azumarill.

Then, Nurse Joy, who I guess is doubling as a Johto league official (man these Johto league coordinators are lazy.... first the lax security, now hiring scabs to perform important tasks) announces that it's time to announce the quarterfinal matchups. We see Justin go first and draw a number 4 so he is put in the fourth bracket. We aren't told who his opponent will be.

Later on, Ash gets his turn and he draws bracket number 1 which means ..............

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................ Ooooooooh, oh boy, he gets another rematch with Richie in a 6 on 6 match. "Well Ash... I guess this is it, Part 2! Who will win the return match?" states Richie trying to intimidate his opponent. Ugh... damn that kid.... kill him kill him kill him!! I mean.... ugh .......... kill 'em Ash! We're all rooting for ya!

So..... will Ash avenge the mockery of a travesty of a loss to Richie in the Indigo league? Will Richie ever go the hell away and never bother us again? Who is this pokemon that Ash has trusted to battle for him? Will I ever keep a 9 to 5 schedule? Will Ash ever get laid by Misty? Will Cyclone ever get over his obsession with Magneton? I can't answer these questions now because this episode is..........