Dragonitemare presents

Pokemon Crystal series

Ep. 55

Question: You're the coach of a sports team (be it football, basketball, checkers, bocce, pommel horsing... he he he) and your players are so hopelessly awful that their own mommas boo them. Meanwhile you, on the other hand, are actually seriously wishing you ran a maligned franchise such as the (God forbid!) Cincinnati Bengals.... or Bungles as they're called in pop culture... or another perennially bad team because of the turds that play for you. With players that incessantly awful that they cost franchises money rather than make money, how can one possibly get these no-talent hacks to get good in a hurry when you need them??

Answer: .... with a surly, badass, fear-inducing motivator that gets you in shape or else you suffer the sometimes fatal consequences. A motivator that is tougher than all of your weenie tots that play for you put together. Someone that can be either human or pokemon..... someone..... like the crabby, pissed-off beast himself. Someone..... like Bulbasaur!!

With that settled... let's get into our episode....

Now that our wonderful Wobbuffet escapade through the city of brotherly love is complete, it's time to finally set our sites on New York City... where the twerps were aiming for in the first place on this silly little American tour. But before they make it there, it would be quite necessary (and dodgy) to have the twerps and Team Rocket go through its ghetto suburbs in New Jersey. After all, Pokemon Cris-tal authors and Internet comic geniuses live there....

So THERE is New York City.... in the background just a few miles away from where the twerps are walking. Garbage covering the sidewalks, shady looking people and pokemon loitering around the bodegas, Puffy look-alikes bouncing up and down the road in their pimped up Cadillac Escalades, the twerps should be feeling kind of scared. "Aren't we in New York yet", asks Misty uneasily looking around for scary monsters and Togepi reincarnations <shudder>. "Close... according to the map, we're in the city of Newark", answers Crystal who doesn't sound the least bit worried.

Is there a secret to her calm and confidence amidst a rough neighborhood?? Not really... you should figure this kind of stuff out the way that you know Cris-tal.

"I hope so.. those New York buildings over there are getting very enormous", comments Misty as we hear a stomach a-rumbling. "Speaking of getting very enormous, that perfectly describes my hunger", moans Justin clutching his tummy. Fortunately for him, Misdreavus comes out eager to satisfy his hunger.... only... the wrong type of hunger. "Why did you come out of your pokeball? You can't even be hungry", thinks Justin. "Mis-drreeee", corrects Misdreavus who seems hungry for Justin and his......

Okay you sick f*cks, you ain't gonna get me back on this freaky ass near-porno scenes again!!!

Ahem.... so Justin listlessly calls Misdreavus back as Misty complains that they're so close yet so far. "Buck up, you guys. I see that there aren't many places to go eat in this area but I'm sure my guys will sniff out some good eatin', won't you guys", cheers up Crystal then turning to her Sandshrew and 'her' Pikachu. "Shrew shrew!!", agrees Sandshrew as he's on the trail of sniffing out something good to eat other than Pik...

GODDAMMIT!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU... NO HUMAN, NO POKEMON, NO INTERHUMANPOKEMON, NO NOTHING PORNO!!!!

So they continue to stumble around da 'hood as the ghetto bug pokemon give Misty the creeps making her walk closer to Cris-tal.... make of that what you will. But then Pikachu, whom you can tell by its gut has a good nose for food, sniffs out something and sees what's in that direction and happily points that way. "Pikachu's found somethin'", says Crystal looking high again as they just discover to their shock.... that a baseball stadium is right in front of them.

Misty points out that it's a baseball stadium (a great mystery just revealed) as Justin notices the giant banner saying that there's a game today to his joy. "Uhh.. Why would we go to a baseball game. We're even out of money until I can get more from either my mom or Professor Oak", comments Crystal mentioning her 'sugar daddies' for lack of a better term. "Ohhh.... but I gotta get in.... I'm so hungry and it would be so great to catch a nice minor league baseball game eating a couple of hot dogs", imagines Justin.

Crystal then admits that it does sound like a pretty good idea (of course girls love hot dogs) but wants to know who plays there. So Misty goes up to read the sign near the door. "Over here... look!", proclaims Misty as she reads aloud, "Welcome to Newark.. Bay... Stadium... Home... of the Newark... Bulbasaurs." "Saaaashrew...", comments Sandshrew as Justin and Cris-tal say, "The Newark Bulbasaurs??", simultaneously to hint at a plot element.

<cue intro>

Misty asks the others wondering that aren't minor league baseball teams usually on farms. All-world sports fanatic Justin tells her that while many teams are dubbed 'farm teams', there are a lot of teams in small towns and cities as well. "Oh", recognizes Misty as the ticket person for the game approaches Crystal asking her if they're coming to the game. She sheepishly replies that she'd like to but they're out of money.

So in the dollar driven world of American baseball, the penniless fans are out of luck....

Or are they?? The ticket guy, whom looks like a younger Wyclef Jean from the Fugees, tells them that they can still get free tickets for their whole group. "Really?!", gasps Justin as Crystal repeats slowly, "Free tickets for the whole group?!? How?" "Why simple, for any Bulbasaur home game, any trainer with a Bulbasaur gets free admission for themselves and their whole party", explains the awfully kindly ghetto rastafarian. Misty wows as she figures that they must take care of their own kind here.

Justin then gets the idea that while they have free admission, they should bring all their pokemon to the game. But that idea quickly gets diffused as Misdreavus pops out again and stares at him in admiration for a possible date. As the others look on with uneasy sweatdrops, Justin recants uttering, "uhhhh... on second thought, maybe not", calling back Misdreavus again. The rastafarian ticket taker asks them if they have a Bulbasaur and Crystal confidently confirms throwing the surly trouble-making type shouting, "Bulbasaaauur!".

.... at my estimation, Bulbasaur would be the Roger Clemens of the pokemon league....

The rastafarian ticket taker compliments how well trained Bulbasaur appears to be. So Cris-tal thanks him knowing that a brutha's gotta work and so they go on in and take their seat for the big game. And no wonder they're giving away all these seats, the place is almost deserted!!! The seats in total are, at best, 1/3 filled as the threesome, Sandshrew, Pikachu, and Bulbasaur look around at the emptiness. Misty wonders why the stadium is so empty to which Justin explains that it's probably a combination of things like the bad neighborhood and the fact it's a minor league team, plus the fact that maybe they suck....

We'll soon see how badly they DO suck....

But Cris-tal decides no matter what kind of baseball it is, it's still baseball and that she's happy that her belly is full and hash bag still has some supplies left in it. So she declares, "So let's play ball!" "San shrew shrew!", yells Sandshrew as Pikachu yells, "pi-pikachu", ready to cheer for the Bulbasaur. And while the game is going on in the slums, they receive a major impact the likes of which they've probably never seen. Yes, for the hood has now been invaded by our own heroic anti-heroes, Team Rocket.

"Hmmm... there's something about this place that's making me....... cringe...", says Jessie with her short-as-ever skirt to go with the rest of her tight uniform walking through the ghetto near the stadium where the twerps are. "Me too. I have a feeling we should be on our guard for just about anything", adds James whose equally as delectable for all the formerly incarcerated street thugs hangin' around that've had their sexuality questioned. "Looks like Mr. Cool Cat behind us ain't feeling the same way", notes Jessie as we see Meowth behind them.

The talking scratch-cat is talking about the ominous looking people and pokemon along with the music playing from their massive boomboxes and then stating that he feels right at home with all the surroundings. "I guess for you, it's a step up from being a Team Rocket loser", quips James who's starting to open his legs a little more as he walks with them. "Woooooooobbuuhhffet", agrees Wobbuffet popping up to the side of them saluting. "Well I wouldn't be reminiscin' about my street gang if we had a true success every once in a while!", retorts Meowth, "Dat's why we gotta get back on dose twoips' tails. We just need an idea of where dey are."

"Where they are?", wonders Jessie who then affirmatively states, "Why simple, I can just track their whereabouts using my Palm Pilot!" James asks how she can do that while Meowth asks madly, "You got a Palm Pilot witout consultin' us?" "It's my own for your information!", groans back Jessie as she continues, "Now let me check my Palm Pilot to see where the twerps are." So in a scene of slapstick camedy (spoken like a true New Englander), she whips out her hand and stares into her palm.

Get it??? Palm.... Pilot?? <rimshot>........................... Nyuk.................. nyuk............. nyuk......

Lame camedy aside, Jessie states delightedly, "AHAAAAA!!! It says that the twerps are nearby..." This makes Meowth and James falling over comically leaving the patient Wobbuffet to salute and quip, "Wooooooobbuuuhh." Meowth agrees reprimanding Jessie, "Yeah.... stop stealin' lines from mediocuh movies!" James sighs and then wonders what they're going to do now. Wobbuffet speaks out again as he looks out at the Newark Bay Stadium making the rest of TR look to the stadium. "Huh? It's a stadium", states Jessie. "Compared to the rest of this dump, it's worth checking out", adds James. But Meowth corrects him making him feel sensitive for people of their own kind saying that this is where many people have to make a living. "Oh.... sorry", replies James dejectedly with Wobbuffet standing patiently beside him and Jessie.

So they go to read a ad that states free group admission with Bulbasaur as Meowth points out that since there's games that go on in there, that means that there's a garden of Bulbasaurs that are worth uprooting. "Yes", agrees James adding, "Especially since we can train them into become Ivysaurs and even Venusaurs... ooooooh!" "With a whole group of Venusaurs, we'll be the team to beat against anyone!!", declares Jessie. So Meowth decides that they plan for this and then strike them tomorrow.

That's all fine and good with J & J except they are unwilling to sleep overnight in a ghetto alley like Meowth used to do. "So den dat means....", starts Meowth before James finishes glumly, "...looks like another night in the balloon." Meowth, who normally gets to sleep with Jessie and James seems alright with it except that he states that he isn't the biggest fan of wicker (which I'm assuming their happy Buddha-faced Meowth balloon's basket is composed of). "Oh whatever.... let's just get ready!", commands Jessie once again taking charge.

Meanwhile inside the stadium, the threesome and their pokemon look more glum than TR at their possibility of sleeping in a balloon. Why?? "Uhhh.... you guys?? Have you ever been to a game where the final score was 35-0?", asks Crystal stone-faced from shock instead of illegal substance for once. "If you're talking about football... yes. Baseball? Not even close", answers Justin wearing his hip-hop attire from Polo which is designed by man bitch Ralph Lauren by the way. "They stink almost as bad as Team Rocket...", proclaims Misty wearing Cerulean City gym attire. "Saaaashrew.... shrrreeeew", agrees Sandshrew joining in the knock on our beloved TR. "Bulbasaur", says Bulbasaur shaking its head in thorough embarrassment that his name goes along with what is announced as an 0-28 team.

So they head for the exits shaking their heads the entire way at that abomination of a game when a suicidal general manager guy goes running miserably wanting to hide himself in a janitorial closet. ............... Execs are doing funny things nowadays. "I guess that's what you call a season ticket holder...", quips Misty. So the threesome along with their pokemon open up the closet door and ask the guy if he's okay. "Ohhhh... of course not!! I'm gonna get the axe for my job", cries the GM. "Normally I wouldn't be so blunt but I wouldn't blame the owner", states Justin.

"Ohhh... I know. It's understandable to fire me. It's just that I've tried everything... and every combination of players and drills to motivate my team, but nothing works.", cries the GM some more. "There there... if the players you're given are just not good enough then there not too much you can do to turn that around. Especially if you've tried everything like you say", consoles Cris-tal. The guy sniffles and then thanks them for their concern. "Pika-pika??", wonders Pikachu making the sorrysport compliment that all of their pokemon look very strong and well-trained.

"Why thank you", Crystal replies taking the credit wondering if he knows much about pokemon. "I know because my brother has a Bulbasaur, and you're Bulbasaur looks like it's in peak condition", replies the GM. "Well yes... I do try to keep all my pokemon in the best health and condition possible", explains Crystal as Bulbasaur chimes in, "Bulbasaurrr!" "Perhaps maybe you know the secret to getting our bumbling batsmen in gear", schemes the guy who calls himself Alberto, the team's assistant coach. Heyyyy.... what the f*ck happened to GM???!

After they claim to be pleased to meet him, Alberto pleads with them to stay and maybe help him motivate his bungling team. Resistant to be kept from getting to New York, the threesome seems unsure and unwilling.... Especially Sandshrew who can't wait to strut around the Big Apple with his pika-whore. "BULBA-SAUR!!!", then shouts Bulbasaur who is pissed off at having a team with his name be so pitiful. And GOD DAMMIT!! He'll be damned if it lets its good name be tainted on a low quality product or, in this case, team!!!!

Bad ass Bulbasaur doesn't stand for that sh*t!!!

"Huh?", huhs Cris-tal as Bulbasaur rambles on pissed-off trying to imply that it wants them to help the team that bears its name. "Guys... I think Bulbasaur wants to stay so those guys can get some help", Crystal tells her crew. "Well I can't say I blame Bulbasaur", quips Justin. "Is that what you want, Bulbasaur?", asks Cris-tal to which Bulbasaur strongly replies affirmatively. "So you will help me... that's great", says Alberto joyfully, "But I gotta warn you, these guys are going to take a lot to get them into shape! We've tried everything to get our players to hustle and make plays but nothing has worked." "Well, we'll give it our best! Won't we, Bulbasaur?!", declares Crystal. "Bulba, buulbasaaauur!!!", groans Bulbasaur as Sandshrew and Pikachu begin to chatter with him about some kind of strategy it'll maybe use on the disgrace of a team.

Alberto says that they can begin tomorrow during the team's morning practice and that if they need a place to stay, there are plenty of hotels downtown. The threesome thanks Alberto as he goes on that downtown is where the better area of the city is. "Well that's good... now we'll have a safe place to sleep until tomorrow", says Misty. "Pika piiiikachu!", adds Pikachu as the threesome looks forward to sleeping together later tonight.

................... and no.... there's still no evidence of tapes in any of the places they've slept...

So the next morning, the threesome arrives at the ballpark ready to drill these little leaguers in a bigger league than what their scrotum is worth. Alberto greets them and then introduces them to their head coach named Bernardo.... I'm sensing a Hispanic connection at work here. Bernardo greets them and is grateful that they could be of assistance since any help for them is useful since nothing they've tried so far has worked. Alberto believes that since they instill such discipline in their pokemon (most of which they haven't even seen), then maybe they can instill some discipline in their godawful players.

"Well we'll do what we can, sir. And my partner in coaching is ready to be motivational out there!", declares Cris-tal sounding as relaxed as the morning breeze as she sends out Bulbasaur to help her direct the players that make Bulbasaur downright sick. The coaches then tell the dumbfounded players (many of which seem to be related to Gomer Pyle...) that the threesome and their pokemon are Kanto League pokemon trainers and are highly skilled. Bernardo adding that they are hear to get these 'blockheads' to play some good baseball.

They instruct that they listen to the threesome at all times so they can instill their limitless advice on them. .......... uuhhhhhhhh... yeah!...... right....... Anyway, they obey their coaches since refusal would probably lead to a choking with a barbed wire cord. And thus, the players welcome the threesome and their pokemon trainers to their practice. Thus it begins............. as does the burst-out-loud funny comedy of errors that follow.

The coaches hit simple ground balls to the players who are even to p*ssy to bend over like the girls they are and field the balls properly letting them roll between their wickets. Some skip right over their heads while other fielders land flat on their asses and still more even end up getting a wicked hop in the groin. These errors made by every single cowardly player on the team makes the threesome shake their heads in embarrassment. They continue to bungle plays until Misty has seen enough embarrassment and yells, "COME ON, YOU GUYS!! DON'T YOU HAVE ANY WILL TO SUCCEED IN YOU. YOU'LL NEVER DO ANYTHING USEFUL WITH YOURSELVES WITH EFFORTS LIKE THAT!!!" "Misty's right, let's pick it up", agrees Cris-tal joining in the motivation making Misty smile a little brighter glancing back at her threesome companion. "Pika-chu pika pikaaachu!", adds Pikachu in enforcement while Sandshrew adds, "Sanshrew saaaaaaashrew!!!!"

"Yes, ma'am", obliges the players nervous about Misty's outburst as they try to focus on making the plays in the field. But still, most of the players are botching even the simplest of plays causing the coaches to shake their heads as they watch the threesome perform THEIR responsibility. "Oh man... this just isn't working", mopes Crystal while Justin wishes if only there was something that could make them competent. Fortunately for them, there is something as Bulbasaur has seen enough decrepit fielding to make itself groan aloud, "Bulbaaaaaaaaaashaaaaaauurr!" "Huh??", wonders the next brainless fielder to receive a practice ball from Bernardo as he begins to go after it half-heartedly.

But Bulbasaur fills up the rest of his heart the best way it knows how........ with brute force. An aggravated Bulbasaur extends its vine whips to punish the fielder for its sins against its team making it pick up its pace and actually making a decent defensive play. "Say...... that vine whip will get them to do their jobs...", comments Alberto as the rest of the fielders begin to look halfway respectable on the field thanks to the threat of Bulbasaur's vine whip.

So now that Bulbasaur has started to fix the atrocious defense... what about the offense?? Bernardo insists that his players watch the ball and hit it this time as Bulbasaur loudly agrees, "BULBASAAUR!" So one by one, Bernardo pitches to each hitter that steps up to hit and one by one they keep missing and missing and missing. "Ummm... you sure that none of you guys are blind?", wonders Justin. "Nope", collective reply the bungling players as Misdreavus pops out again to startle Justin. "I guess that just makes you, huh?", quips Justin to his horny ghost pokemon. "Misdreeeeee", croons Misdreavus.

"Don't you worry, guys! Just watch... I'm hittin' this one outta the park!", shouts the excessively fat Gomer Pyle. You could also call the guy a fairly svelte David Wells.... So with the pitch coming, the fatty takes his best shot and he misses the ball by so much that you could fit a sexy looking Tracey in that gap. "Whoa.... that's one heck of a miss", utters Crystal as the breeze from the whiff is felt profoundly, even making Pikachu struggle to stay on its stumpy little yellow feet. "Bulba!", shouts Bulbasaur battling the wind.

"Uhhh.... ohhkay", quips Bernardo, "Leet's see you hit this one!" "Okay coach", replies the goofy fatty as he clenches his fist around the bat once more. "Bulba!", states Bulbasaur as this gets his attention that he might as well do it by itself.... again! So Bulbasaur uses its vine whip to wrap around the wrists of the fat one thus Bulbasaur's need for more extension of its vines and Bulbasaur uses the vines to swing the bat for the helpless f*ckup getting a solid base hit out of it. "Whoooaa. Look at that!", proclaims Alberto as Crystal praises Bulbasaur for its good idea. "Ohhh... so I shouldn't be swinging under it...", says the fatty. So they try it again and Bulbasaur has the guy hit another ball hard... this time near the outfield wall.

The other players ooh and aahh at what actual ball contact looks like while the coach cheers that that's how you hit a baseball. He then implores the others to come up and start hitting, and with Bulbasaur's assistance, they do. "It looks like they'll be a legitimate team by the end of the day", comments Misty. "Shhrrew saaashrew", observes Sandshrew standing close to Pikachu ready to drive the yellow rat in. "Hopefully now, their opponents won't beat them 35-0", then says Crystal. Justin is turned around looking up seeing some other visitors coming from above to view the practice.

"Uhhh... speaking of opponents, arch-nemesis at 10 o' clock", quips Justin. "Hey look", says Alberto clumsily, "Did they get us a blimp for the next game?" "Oh no", states Misty as the happy Buddha-faced Meowth balloon descends down towards the field. "OUTRAGEOUS!! Callin' my beautyful face a blimp!", shouts an incensed Meowth. "Who are you guys?", asks Bernardo all cranky at having practice interrupted.

"You're insulting our balloon so prepare for trouble"
"And we ain't staying till noon so make it double"
"To protect the world from devastation"
"To unite all peoples within our nation"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love"
"To extend our reach to the stars above"
"Jessie"
"James"
"Team Rocket blasting baseballs for Bulbasaurs"
"Surrender now or your bad team will lose one more"
"Wooooooooooobbuuhhffet", declares Wobbuffet before Meowth shouts, "Outta da way ya blue backstop... ahem, Meowth, that's right!"

"It's Team Rocket!", shouts the threesome collectively, pointlessly, as usual. "Bulbasaur!", adds Bulbasaur angrily. "Hmmph... it looks like dey ain't bringin' no Bulbasaurs to da ballpark. But dere's still da twoips Bulbasaur... en as long it comes with Sandshrew and Pikachu....", comments Meowth. "That'll be a twin bill attraction for us anyday", finishes James alluding to the-a-tre lingo. "You can't just come here and mess with our players", shouts Alberto timidly. "Don't be scared of them, those three are MUCH bigger losers than any of you", states Crystal insulting basically all of them.

"Don't be ignorant, twerp, we've read all about how bad this team really is", states Jessie. "That's why we brought along our trusty automatic baseball gun", explains James. "Y'all are gonna hitcha own heads buhfore ya hit any of dese fastballs!", teases Meowth. "Fire one.... fire two!", decrees James being giddy about taking charge. "Here goes!", says Meowth pushing yet another button to fire baseballs at everybody scattering balls all over the field.

"Look out!", shouts Justin as everybody runs away like p*ssies not wanting their precious skin and bodies to get bruised and broken. The balls keep flying as they start to flood the field. "Mwa hah hah hah hah hah haaaah.... didn't expect this curveball. Didn't ya, twerps?!", taunts Jessie. "Coiveball... dat's a great idea. Let's have dis ting start trowin' coiveballs", mentions Meowth as he adjusts the controls on the ball firing device.

"Owwww...", cries one of the wimpy players as Alberto states that they have to fight back against 'those fiends'. "Alright... now let's grab Pikachu!", commands Jessie as James obliges and extends a robotic grabber headed straight for Pikachu. The threesome and Pikachu nervously spot it coming towards the electric yellow rat so Crystal is able to react quickly and have Bulbasaur slice it up with a razor leaf attack to the horror of TR. "Nice job, Bulbasaur", compliments Crystal, "Now let's do something about these baseballs!"

"Bulbasaur!", obliges Bulbasaur taking charge and using its vine whip to slam some of the baseballs back at TR. "Waaaahh", shouts Jessie panicking trying to avoid having the balls hit her pretty face... well, at least baseballs anyway. "Hey guys... let's help out Bulbasaur by hitting like we just did", Alberto proclaims to which the team says, "Yeah!" So they get their hitting sticks out and like the magic of bad luck that our poor TR draws with them, this group of losers start looking like the '61 Yankees hitting homers right back at TR's balloon. "They're looking like all-stars now", quivers James trying to avoid the balls while watching the sexy players hit at the same time. "WOOOOOOOOBBBUUUHHFFET", then states Wobbuffet popping up over the basket pushing Meowth up above its round blue head.

As the balls continue to fly back and forth like a war zone, Jessie gets frustrated and then she herself tries to extend a back-up robotic grabber at Pikachu. "Oh no you don't, Jessie!", calls out Crystal by name. She then takes the status of action hero and grabs a bat, smashing the second grabber foiling Jessie's second effort. "Aaaaaahh!", screams Jessie horrifically. "Our losin' streaks da one dat looks like its gonna continue", quips Meowth. "Wooooobbuuhhffeeet!", then says Wobbuffet being true to its word.

Crystal then has Pikachu 'clinch' this game as the bad baseball PUN-ishment carries on. Thus, Pikachu shocks TR making them utter funny sound effects before the balloon totally explodes. "We rushed in with big heads", cries Jessie leading to a dodgy and explicit allusion by Meowth. "We was ovuhconfident en it ended up bitin' us in da backside", he utters.

"Team Rocket's blasting off agaaaaiin" "Wooobbuuh wooobbuuhh!"

"Wow... that was amazing. I haven't seen our players EVER hit like that", comments Bernardo. "I guess that it's something about the worst in Team Rocket that brings out the best in everyone else", believes Justin. "Well in that case, we're grateful they came and...... uh... helped us out", tries to joke Alberto. While he may not get many real humans to laugh, he gets our twerps to belt out a few chuckles as Crystal mentions they'll be ready for the next game in no time at this pace. "Well what are we waiting for?? Let's get going with some more drills guys!", declares Bernardo making the suddenly confident bunch of losers cheer and march back towards the baseball diamond.

<cue commercial> Who's that pokemon?!?! (This pokemon doesn't like dumbasses sticking their heads in its special stun spore no-no place.)

It's Vileplume!!! ................................. "Vileplume."

Later on in the day after the practice, Cris-tal is hookin' up with Mr. Cripple himself, Ash Ketchum. Hooking up I say.......... over the phone lines. "Howdy there, Ash!", greets Crystal looking at the young 'un with a pained expression on his face.... and a bit of a haircut (just a little trim). "Crystal... hey!", shouts Ash as Pikachu and Bulbasaur look eager to see their forgotten trainer again. "Hey Pikachu... how are ya?", Ash asks. "Pi-kaaa!", shouts Pikachu brightly from the lobby of the threesome's hotel. "Bulbasaauur", then blurts out Bulbasaur as Ash states that he's glad to see Bulbasaur again as well as Sandshrew. "San-shrew", says Sandshrew.

Crystal then briefs Ash about the progress of their journey to New York saying that they're almost there and should make it there tomorrow. But she adds that they're going to stay tonight just outside the city for a baseball game telling him about the team that needed Bulbasaur's surly assistance to make them start to play better than the way Ash performs on standardized tests. But don't worry, Ash has had a lot more time to learn stuff since he hasn't been able to do any pokemon training. Why, by now he may be entering pre-kindergarten!!! Crystal continues to tell Ash about their practice describing how Bulbasaur kicked their ass, TR's usual intrusion, and the fun they had practicing with the team.

Of course though, all of this goes by Ash's empty head as he just replies, "That sounds like a lotta fun", as he makes a nervous I-don't-know-what-the-hell-you-mean smirk. At that point, the grass pokemon rapist Meganium comes onto the screen and proclaims, "Megah!" Ash then giggles that Meganium is doing fine 'taking care' of him.

You bet your patootie, Mr. Ketchum.

"Nice to see you again as well, Meganium", says Crystal as we see Justin and Misty looking on at the monitor. "Okay you guys, wish the players good luck for me", wishes Ash as Cris-tal personally promises that she will as Meganium leaps up onto Ash's bed for some healing lovin'. Just then, Alberto walks into the building as everyone notices and greets him. He just comes by to say that he's going to drop off their tickets for the game adding that they're right behind the game. He then mentions that tonight's game is against the Aberdeen Iron Mantines who are in first place in the division so they'll need the twerps support. "Iron Mantines... I like that name", quips Misty as Crystal tells this chump not to worry as well assuring they'll be right there and stuff.

So the threesome thanks Alberto as the ominous site of the stadium looms in the background of the downtown section of the city. And as the twerps and Alberto are babbling on, down on the street with the view of the stadium, we see something rustling in the bushes. Has James finally found the man of his dreams in the city and brought him closer to his work?? Has Meowth found the man of HIS dreams other than James in the city and has engaged in a threesome??? Has Wobbuffet built itself a tiny little underground hut so it can live with the ravaging poor and share its joy with the indigents??? No... the answer is none of the above, for it turns out that coming out from the bushes is the pink messenger of silent death, Jigglypuff. "Jigglypuff!", it squeals as its walks out into the street vulnerable to all the possible street crime. It then looks up at the stadium obviously thinking of it as a place for it to shine on stage. So Jigglypuff eagerly waddles with its big pink feet and microphone towards the Newark Bay Stadium.

So later on that night, it's game time and our twerps are proudly endorsing the overpaid, capitalistic world of American baseball sporting replica uniforms of some of the teams.... most of which are overexposed to American baseball fans. "I'm so glad we were able to get these colorful baseball jerseys from the pro shop. They even had jerseys and caps for Sandshrew and Pikachu", states Cris-tal sporting a dreadfully unfashionable Mets jersey. "Saaaashrew shhrrrreew!", adds Sandshrew as he's sporting a mini-sized Brewers uniform which is surprisingly almost as ugly. Pikachu is wearing a much more vision pleasing Angels jersey.

"I was gonna go with the Florida Marlins jersey for the relaxing blue hue of the uniform....... till I found out it was an ugly shade of gray. So I just went with the Yankees", comments Justin as the screen reveals his Yankee pinstripes. "Obviously a water theme was the way to go for me... thus the Mariners (muh-ree-ners) jersey", states Misty mispronouncing the word Mariners. "Ummm... that's Mariners (maah-rin-ners), Misty", corrects Justin. Misty sighs before foolishly proclaiming that if it was true, then she'd know about it already.

.... looks like someone's not sounding very masterful about the water... and BTW, Bulbasaur isn't wearing a uniform... the only one not conforming to the pretty pretty colors.

So they arrive at their seats as Bernardo specially greets them as well as Bulbasaur. Might as well being that they're among the estimated 9 people in attendance...... which is mighty impressive for an 0 and whatever they are team. "You're gonna stay right here and keep our players motivated, won't you Bulbasaur??", asks Bernardo. "Bulbasaur", confirms Bulbasaur as something in a cap featuring a cartoony looking Bulbasaur is at the opening looking out onto the field ready to enter.

The announcer guy then welcomes the throngs of empty seats to the Iron Mantines-Bulbasaurs game. And with that he asks the audience to please rise for the playing of the American anthem. At that point, the shadowy figure in the entryway reveals itself as Jigglypuff who somehow wandered its way past the non-existant security forcing the James Lipton impersonating anthem singer to step aside as it declares, "Jigglypuff!"

"Uh oh", panic the alarmed threesome along with their pokemon. "Is that Jigglypuff!?!", gasps Crystal who can't believe her eyes.... since they're telling the truth this time. "Well either America's anthem has become a lullaby or else we're going to have a little non-weather rain delay", quips Justin nervously in his pinstripes. So Jigglypuff picks up her microphone, looks up to the polluted sky and starts singing, "Jiiiiigglyyypuuuuuf jiggllyyyyyypuuuufff... jiiiiiigglyyypuuuufff jigglllyyyyyy...", and so on for quite awhile as the teams and twerps slowly fall asleep.

Thus, everyone eventually falls back into their seats or onto the grass as Jigglypuff kills the anthem section. Eventually she stops when noticing that everyone's asleep leading to the usual suggestive doodlings on the players and coaches before Jigglypuff exits heading for most likely a New York subway platform where the pink pokemon of silent sleeping death will take on the city that never sleeps.

Pay-per-view can now kiss my ass!!

Hours later, the announcer apologizes for the delay as they now get ready to play ball as the umpire shouts. "Come on, you guys..... just stay focused, just like you did in practice", shouts coach C. "Bulbasaur!", adds coach B waving around its vines. So we then cut into right into the game past the first pitch with a baseball themed rap song sung by rapper kids like Lil' Bow Wow and Sammie being played in the background during the game to indicate the plot moving along. I forget the name of the song but it's from the Hardball soundtrack.

Wait a second..... scratch that!! Let's have the theme be "Breathe" by the Prodigy... that's a much better song in general.

We see a couple of Iron Mantines getting base hits and scoring some runs to get play started. "Don't worry about it", encourages Cris-tal. "Pikaaa", adds Pikachu as Misty yells at them to keep their heads in the game. Later on, another Iron Mantine hits a fly ball to the outfield as the coaches and the threesome yell at the left fielder to stay under it and the player ends up making the catch. That catch ends the top of the 1st inning with Iron Mantines leading 2-0. Meanwhile, a bunch of spectators that must be the only season ticket-holders for the team are astounded by this shocking turn of events. "Oh my God.... you mean they actually only gave up 2 runs in the inning?!", gasps this one nerdy guy. "There's still plenty of innings to go Leroy.... just be patient and it'll be a blowout before you know it", says Leroy's wife.

We then see one of the Bulbasaur's hit a double into the right-center field gap scoring one of the Bulbasaurs baserunners to the cheers and encouragement of the twerps and Bulbasaur. Thus, the lead has been cut to 2-1 making Leroy tell his wife in amazement, "Hey Julia, get a load of that. We actually scored a run", states Leroy. "I guess the Iron Mantines are involved in one of those point shaving schemes...", adds this other guy sitting with them. "Point shavin' scheme?!? They're favored by 50 runs... how could this be point shaving?", criticizes Leroy.

Oh that slapstick by haggardly drunk fans..... you gotta love it. Plus, it usually only get funnier....

Into the second inning, the Bulbasaurs do even better turning a double play to the cheers of the threesome. It scores a run though so going into the bottom of the second, the scoreboard shows 4-1 Iron Mantines. "This isn't good.... we're still down", states Bernardo as Bulbasaur cuts in to encourage him. "Don't get discouraged yet, you guys", shouts Cris-tal as Misty adds, "Yeah... there's still seven more innings to go. Keep it up and you'll win!" Bernardo looks up at Bulbasaur and the twerps and then nods agreeing that things have to be different.

After all, they have pokemon tv stars with them that always have things go their way...

After the end of the third inning, the score is 4-2 in favor of the Iron Mantines. This makes Alberto confident since they're only down two runs with plenty of innings to go and a badass grass pokemon that'll snap on the other team if they end up winning. So Bernardo then has his team head back out onto the field to play some defense as the Prodigy keeps singin' "Cooooooooooome plllaaaaay myyyyy gaaaaaaame...." and so on.

But we interrupt the song and the game temporarily to see that our heroes haven't abandoned this episode just yet. Why, they even broke into the stadium and are walking around the lobby in their own American baseball uniforms!! "Ahh hah hah haaah... this team is so bad that they don't even care about security and keeping villains like us out!", laughs Jessie making her San Francisco Giants uniform look sexy who then schemes, "Now those twerps are going to pay for spoiling our pitch for Pikachu.... and I've got a special secret strategy for when we do so. A ha haaa!"

"Uhhhh... dat's nice Jessie but where did ya get dose lousy lookin fake get-ups?", wonders Meowth missing out on the baseball jersey fashion show. "Ohh.... I managed to shoplift these while I was skulking around that pro shop", boasts Jessie revealing some cleavage from her half-buttoned up jersey. <dog panting> "The font of the letters and numbers of my jersey goes perfectly with its Quagsire blue color", gabs James as gay he can possibly get about his Toronto Blue Jays jersey to show some love for Canada.... a place not on 4Kids Entertainment map. "I can't believe how much they expect honest hard-working sports fans to shell out for this memorabilia that probably has only 3 years worth of value if you're lucky!", expresses Jessie showing outrage on behalf of some sports fans.

"Well we sure don't look like Team Rocket wit all dis rediculous stuff yas have on.... more like Team ball goils", referring to Jessie and James as girls...... Accurate enough. But Jessie shouts back, "Quiet! Here.... put this on!", Jessie tells Meowth sternly stuffing a Red Sox jersey and cap on him. "Ahhh.... da Red Sox?!? Dey're losin‘ streak is longuh den ours!", complains Meowth. "Wooooooooobbuuuhhffet!", confirms Wobbuffet who inexplicably comes out of its pokeball with a green and yellow Oakland A's uniform. "Stop complaining Meowth, we have to set up so we can fulfill this scheme and I can get revenge on that twerp and her bad news losers!!", schemes Jessie. "Don't we get a warm-up first", wonders James questioning his master as Wobbuffet looks to the screen proclaiming, "Woooooooooobbuuhhh."

Meanwhile as the Prodigy theme returns, a Bulbasaur hitter gets a base hit and the runner from second beats the relay throw to score a run. The twerps, Pikachu, Sandshrew, and Bulbasaur cheer to all the good that the Bulbasaurs are doing. Then with the bases loaded for the Iron Mantines, the pitcher comes up with a big strikeout making Bulbasaur as happy as anyone's ever seen it on this show. "What a pitch", comments Justin as Misty notes that they're at the 7^th inning stretch with the score tied 8-8 and thus, the Bulbasaur are still going to have to score. "Don't worry, Misty. As long as we're behind them, they'll be just fine!", proclaims Crystal giving Misty assurance from her best friend.

Misty nods as a couple of ballgirls in a Giants and Blue Jays uniform respectively announce that it's time for the 7th inning stretch and that the Bulbasaurs are running a promotion that if a few certain participants are lucky, they can win a great surprise. "A promotion? Are we scheduled to have a contest during our 7th inning stretch?", wonders Alberto. "That's odd... I didn't hear anything about it. I was about to ask you", replies Bernardo.

And so the 'ballgirls' go on with Jessie saying, "Okay... now we need three volunteers to come up and try to hit the ball. If you hit it on the right part of the bat, you win!" "Ooh.... pick us!", encourages Leroy as the three drunk hecklers want some fast boozin' money. But Jessie shouts back, "QUIET!! THIS CONTEST IS FOR KIDS.... just like all those sporting contests where kids participate just so the audience can gush over how cute they look on the field", at first making her head so big that it reaches the hecklers out in the bleachers before blushing when it comes to the 'cute children' part. So of course they drag out the threesome to participate as well as Sandshrew, Pikachu, and Bulbasaur to follow them and look on.

Jessie then brings Cris-tal up to bat first as she advises her to get ready for the pitch cuz it's gonna go outta the park when she hits it according to Jessie. "Umm.... doesn't that ballgirl sound kinda familiar", suspects Misty looking perplexed. "Uhhhh... yeah kinda", says Justin not having any reason to believe its TR other than every possible fathomable reason in the f*ckin' world! "Here it coooomes", warns James disguising his voice to sound like a ball girl sounding very gay. He then tosses the pinkish baseball.... I guess even they have to be pink for James.... and then Crystal hits the underhanded arching slowball making it burst into bright pink powder.

"Huh??", gasps Crystal and the other twerps as she inhales the pink powder experimenting with this unusual substance. She feels it burn through her body making her feel good at first until she starts choking as she collapsed to the ground complaining, "Uhhh... I can't...... breath..." "CRYSTAL!", shouts Justin and Misty in horror as Bernardo wonders, "What's going on?!" Justin and Misty try to rush over to Crystal but James heaves another pink poisonous baseball beaning them and blanketing them with the same poisonous pink powder.

"Ugh!", coughs Justin as they're both choking too, to the horror of Cris-tal's pokemon, "I think.... this is... stun spore." "It looks our twerpy botanologist has got it right", grins James as J & J laugh revealing their uniforms. "It's you two again!", shouts Alberto angrily as Pikachu cries in rebellion rushing to shock the f*ck out of TR. But before it can take two steps, Meowth leaps up out of the dugout decreeing, "AH NO YA DON'T PIKACHU!!", as Meowth scoops up Pikachu into a cage which, of course, is shockproof as we see when Pikachu tries to shock its way out of the cage. "Saashrew!", then shouts Sandshrew at Meowth as he scampers towards TR. But Meowth holds him up warning that an attack on them is an attack on Pikachu as well.

So Sandshrew holds up angrily shouting, "Saaanshrew!", demanding his pika-love back. "How could you three think you're going to get away from us after what you did to our friends?", scolds Bernardo. "I'll be glad to answer that for you", replies James eagerly staring at all the baseballers in their tight jerseys, "You see... we have some extra special spectators that we brought in just for you." James then pushes the trademark big red button on the remote control which sets up a bunch of robotic fans chanting robotically, "Gotta hit 'em all.... gotta hit 'em all."

The robots then each fire a harpoon like device that catches every baseball player and coach with a sticky substance on the edge to keep all the ball players from moving and saving the twerps. "Brilliant job retuning those robots we used earlier to equip them with sticky lassos, Meowth!", applauds Jessie. "Ain't nuttin to it", proclaims Meowth. "Ugh...", struggles Cris-tal as Bulbasaur looks on in shock and appallment. Sandshrew and Bulbasaur then try to help Crystal up but Jessie asks them, "Ha! Where do you think YOU'RE going, you two?", as they throw out most of their pokemon. They all surround the threesome so Sandshrew and Bulbasaur can't help them, saaay, let out some other pokemon to fight TR. Qwilfish is the only pokemon not to come out since it can't do much on a baseball diamond, Victreebel, as usual, attacks James briefly, and Wobbuffet comes out last to form the full barrier around the threesome as it salutes happily.

Crystal struggles to turn over onto her belly as she then tells Bulbasaur and Sandshrew that they have to find a way to stop TR or else they'll end up captured as well. "Bulba!", obliges Bulbasaur as Sandshrew cries, "Sanshrew!", as well as he then goes to gallantly rescues his Pikachu as it cries to him from its cage. "Bulbasaur.... buuuuuullbbbaaa..", observes Bulbasaur as Bernardo points it to the bats in the dugout. Bulbasaur looks over from the bats to all the captive Bulbasaur (ballplayers) and Iron Mantines as an idea goes off in its pissed-off head as it shouts, "Bulbaaa!"

Bulbasaur then uses its vine whip to grab a bundle of bats from each dugout to distribute to all the stuck baseball players. "What is that seedy little bulb think it's doing?", wonders Jessie. "I think they're trying to fight us, Braveheart style", laughs James, "Too bad something's <giggling> keeping them from advancing!" James continues to laugh as Meowth snaps that they should be through playing any games and that they should get the other two pokemon and go. So then Jessie sets her sights on Sandshrew which gets its attention since TR's pokemon and TR are surrounding it.

But just then, Bulbasaur announces, "Bulbasaaaauurr!", as Alberto tells it, "We're ready when you are, Bulbasaur!", as the basebawlers are cocked back into their hitting stance ready to hit some baseballs. So Bulbasaur takes some baseballs from a boxful of them and in an amazing display of accuracy with its vines hurls dozens of baseballs in rapid fire motion at each batter who in turn, hits them straight at TR and the pokemon surrounding the twerps as the hitters suddenly look like championship all-stars.

"What's going on?!?", wonders Jessie sounding very startled. "I tink dey're hittin' our coiveballs right back at us", answers Meowth timidly. "Woooooobbuuuhhffet!", agrees Wobbuffet who's still gleefully saluting. The baseballs keep coming as they knock away each of TR's pokemon one-by-one, including Wobbuffet who takes it patiently as it's saluting. They all get knocked back into TR as the threesome begins to be able to move their arms around a little bit as Cris-tal struggles to her knees on the heels of receiving one of the most damn fine highs she's gotten in a long time.

"Dey're comin' from all sides", complains Meowth while James tells them that they have to protect what they did get which is Pikachu who still calls out for its Sandshrew to help. Crystal compliments Bulbasaur for its great move and then compliments the hitting of both captured teams. The Bulbasaurs then thank Crystal back as Bernardo then directs them to smash those robots that are still chanting, "Gotta hit 'em all.... gotta hit 'em all......" And hit 'em they do.... smashing them into little itty bitty pieces as Meowth gasps, "Not da droids... dey're really expensive!"

As the players free themselves, Cris-tal announces that it's time to bring out a pinch hitter as the baseball pun-ishment continues. So then she brings out Tauros to go and plow its way through TR to separate them from Pikachu. As we hear robot smashing, Tauros cries, "Mrrrrrrrroooooooo", and then uses its take down attack to knock Arbok, not-Koffing, Victreebel, and Dunsparce back towards TR with only Wobbuffet's counter keeping Tauros from goring everyone out of sexual frustration.

"Man.... I gotta tell ya. This is a great action skit", this one drunk heckler tells our Leroy. To which he replies, "Yeah...... all 7th inning stretches should be this fun!! Come on, ya sandy rodent thing.... save the day!!!" Thus, Leroy and the others root for Sandshrew to rescue the Pikachu in distress.

But then Crystal has Bulbasaur wrap around Wobbuffet with its vine whip. Bulbasaur then uses its pent up energy to send Wobbuffet around and around just like an amusement ride. This makes Wobbuffet extend its arms wide open and shout, "WOOOOOOOOOOBBBUUUH!", before sending the heroic blue blob of sexiness into TR. Sandshrew then uses this opening to pick the lock of Pikachu's now unguarded cage with its claw freeing the chubby yellow rat. "Pikaaa", thanks Pikachu promising to 'pay him back' if ya know what I mean.

And so, the end draws near for TR as Jessie quips that they couldn't stop the rally. Meowth then tries to look on the bright side telling J & J that at least they went down swingin'. Then Pikachu, pissed that it was caged before, runs over and gives TR a quick electric shock without Crystal's direction. So then Crystal yells for Sandshrew to knock 'em out of the park. Thus, Sandshrew uses its sandstorm inflicting much more pain on TR as they go flying out of the ballpark. Ever resourceful though, TR uses this time to do some planning and admire the view.

"Ahhh... what a great view of Manhattan. I can't waaaiit to do some Park Ave. shoplifting!!!", grins Jessie. "Easy dere Winona Riduh!", Meowth tells her as he's sailing next to Victreebel and Wobbuffet. "I am looking forward to making my way downtown", comments James knowing that it's where the gay heart of the city lies. "Well... until we git dere, I've got only one ting ta say....", utters Meowth as they sail away with their baseball jerseys.

"We're blasting off agaaaaaiin!!!" .... and then very faintly over the Manhattan skyline... "Woooooobb!"

"Nice goin' everybody!", cheers Cris-tal as she makes it to her feet. Alberto races over to see if the threesome is alright but Cris-tal assures him that they're going to be fine as that surely couldn't have been the toughest high Crystal has ever overcome adding that the pink stun spore TR used wasn't entirely that strong. "So I guess we can finally resume this game", proposes Bernardo as Misty winks stating, "Absolutely!", giving us the thumbs up. "Alright then, play ball!!!", shouts the umpire as the grounds crew is cleaning up.

We skip ahead to the bottom of the 9th (as is standard protocol with a baseball episode) with the Iron Mantines up 9-8 with a Bulbasaurs runner on 2nd base. "Come on now, a base hit ties this game", Bernardo yells at the Gomer Pyle look-alike. "Oh man.... this is so much pressure. Maybe I should request for a pinch hitter", thinks the nervous p*ssy to himself until he turns around to see Bulbasaur shout defiantly in its face making him step up to the plate and be a man.

So he gets ready as the pitch gets thrown. The hitter turns on the fastball as it goes sailing deep into centerfield making the team look on in amazement as well as the twerps and Bulbasaur. The Iron Mantines centerfielder tries to leap up and grab it as the ball sails just over his glove past the billboard heavy wall for a homerun. "I.... hit a homerun.... I can't believe it!", yells the hitter dude in elation as Bulbasaur comments, "Bulbaaa bulbasaaauur!", translating into 'That's right p*ssy, you better believe you hit a motherf*ckin' homerun'. Thus, Mr. Pyle steps on home plate giving the Bulbasaurs their first victory in about a year as the team celebrates like they won the World Cup. The twerps are also cheering and clapping as well as Cris-tal shouts, "Way to go!", from their bleachers. "Bulbasaaauur.... bulba", concludes Bulbasaur sounding very relieved that he doesn't have to kick any more minor league ass now.

So later that night, the twerps and the pokemon come to the usual parting scene where they leave their assistant characters for the day. Crystal tells the Bulbasaurs to keep working hard continuing to focus. Justin agrees adding that focusing helps you win in anything, be it pokemon battles or minor league baseball games. "Bulba... bulbasaaaur", concludes Bulbasaur threatening to kick some more ass if they ever suck that badly again. Thus, Bernardo, Alberto, and the rest of the misfit ballers thank the threesome as they depart from the stadium, from the ghetto, and into the heart of New York City.

<cue commercial> Who's that pokemon?!? (This way kick-ass pokemon's cry sounds kinda like that 'I Love Lucy' character.)

It's Octillery!!! ............................. <whining> "HaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAA!!!"

Across the river from the Manhattan skyline now stands the twerps, Sandshrew, and Pikachu....... the air was probably too dirty for Bulbasaur. "Well you guys there it is...", points out Crystal as Misty claims she can't wait to get there.... neither can Sandshrew or Pikachu apparently as they seem just as happy as well. "Who knows what kind of spectacle we're going to encounter there?', says Justin as Crystal can't wait to get that kinky pokemon health device from Prof. Pine. At that moment, the path train comes that will take them to Manhattan arrives at the station they're waiting at.

The train stops as they all get on board. "Well you guys.... let's go!", commands Crystal as all of them look absolutely awed by the sheer size of the buildings from their New Jersey vantage point. And so, the path train carrying our white trash protagonists goes into the tunnel underneath the river ready to reappear in NYC when it arrives and I'm pretty sure they'll feel like very little people against the very big building, insane drivers and pedestrians, and shooting scenes of The Sopranos.

But enough about going on and on about New York, for looking at the river separating NJ and NY, a mysterious shadowy bird-like creature is seen swimming upstream in the water with boxy wings and an arrow-like head. Could this be....... Lugia?!???

Ahhhhhhhhh.............. a little foreshadowing plot twist for next time, young readers!!!