True Blue

Dragonitemare presents

Pokemon Crystal series

Ep. 58

TRUE BLUE

With our twerps departing from St. Louis (aka Nellyville) in the last episode, we pick up with them already landed at the Kansas air force base that Officer Jenny said that they would be able to get a free ride home without riding in the pouch of a weird looking orange dragon while under an overcast sky. "Well... we made it to.....", starts Misty as Crystal reads the fort name a bit funny, "Fort Girafarig? That's.... quite an unusual name for a military base." The threesome then gets sweatdrops after naming a fort after a pokemon without an ass. "Those silly Americans", chastises Justin at one of America's little foibles. "Well... it doesn't matter whether the name is silly or not, the important thing is we're here", declares Misty as Sandshrew sounds excited at that prospect.... especially with Pikachu right next to him.

But also arriving on the scene inexplicably fast is our heroes, TR in their happy Buddha-faced Meowth balloon, as they are unknowingly about to go through a madcap history lesson and heroic adventure. "Well.... we're almost breathing right down the twerps' necks. How do you think we should try to capture that Sandshrew and that Pikachu this time, Meowth?", Super Jessie asks Mighty Meowth. "Hmmm.... I dunno. Dis sounds like a challenge of how far my feline intelligence kin go", responds Mighty Meowth. "If it were a race, it would be shocking to see you get out of the starting blocks", quips our other superhero.... Big Gay James. Meowth ignores the diss and mutters, "Hmmm... now let's see.... wit da twoips fully loaded, en a military backup nearby, I don't see ow we could possibly take 'em on straight forwid."

"So we sneak up on them?", wonders Big Gay James as Mighty Meowth claims that actually he was thinking of something a little bit different. "Oh my... I can't wait to hear this...", remarks Super Jessie sounding less than optimistic about Meowth's plan as Wobbuffet comes out to greet us all with its smile and trusty salute. Keep that salute in mind for the rest of this story.... "Woooooooooobbbuuuhhffet", it remarks sagely as Meowth goes through his quite elaborate plan. But we don't even get to hear it because their happy Buddha-faced Meowth balloon has become locked onto somebody's target.

Don't feel that bad on listening into Mighty Meowth.... it's not like it would've been successful anyway...

"Sir! There is an enemy aircraft coming into our restricted airspace, sir! It's a Meowth-shaped balloon, sir!", shouts the radar operator to his lieutenant. "A balloon navigator?! Coming into our restricted airspace?", shouts the outraged lieutenant insistent on not wanting some happy-go-lucky anti-heroes to stumble into the US Intelligence’s secret business and political dealing. After all, it's the huge budget that got him his job most likely.... Thus, he commands his radar guy to push a button which of course, automatically fires a rocket right at our TR's balloon.

"So all we really need to get is a rocket", Big Gay James replies eagerly to Meowth's idea. "Woooobbuuhh woooobb", adds Wobbuffet as Meowth quips gladly, "A rocket just like Team Rocket!" "Like this one heading right for us", observes Jessie as the projectile aims right for their balloon. "Woooooobbbuuuhhffet", confirms Wobbuffet as Meowth confirms happily as well. And then after a brief dramatic pause, they realize what's about to happen. They all scream in panic as the missile pierces right through their balloon making them scream a bit louder as they zip all around through the air wildly. Wobbuffet though, is still saluting as it goes for

the ride.

The twerps meanwhile, are still on their way into the welcoming center which is a very long hike from the front gate when they hear the screaming. "What's making that noise? It sounds like someone's in trouble", comments Cris-tal. TR's balloon then comes fluttering through the sky wildly right over the middle of the fort as the twerps notice that they've been shot down. "Look! I think that's Team Rocket!", observes Justin as Misty comments that the rocket they noticed just before must've shot it down. "I guess they never truly catch a break, do they?", wonders Crystal as Pikachu answers her in its native tongue... a tongue which may have been recently contacted by Sandshrew. "Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!", shouts TR as they zoom around wildly like a drunk hummingbird as they finally end up on the way down.

 

<cue intro>

 

CRASH!!! Team Rocket's happy-Buddha faced Meowth balloon crashes for the 198 1/2th time into what looks like a training area for the Fort Girafarig servicemen. "Ohhhh", moans James wearily as he, Jessie, and Meowth stumble to their feet. "You maggots... what do you three piles of waste think you are doing trespassing above our airspace?", shouts a big musclebound commando standing in front of them drawing their attention..... James in particular, of course. I clearly looks like the US military has been feeding them food with extra special hormones to make them feel superhuman and evil. "Ya airspace?", wonders Meowth as some badass military pokemon like a Sandslash, a Cubone, a Gengar, and a Forretress. All except for the Gengar are in uniform... since, like, it's a ghost.

Jessie then argues rather reasonably that nobody was using it and that somebody should make some use out of it so why not them. "You fools! What makes you dorks think that we, the United States Armed Forces, are going to grant you the dignity of using ANYTHING of ours!", shouts the buff commando dude getting all in their faces intimidating our heroes. But then Wobbuffet gets in his face popping out from the balloon, saluting and echoing, "WOOOOOOOOOBBBUUUHHHFFET!" "QUIET YOU BLUE BLOBBY MAG...", begins to shout the commando until something pops up into his unstable mind.

"...... heeeeeeeyyy. It couldn't reeeaaaally be you, could it?", wonders the commando guy. "Woooooooooobb", confirms Wobbuffet as TR huh's at the entire confusing situation. The guy inspects the patient one really closely and then confirms surprising, "Why I don't believe it!! It really is you, Wobbuffet. The pathetic whipping boy we've entertained ourselves with all those years has finally come back!" He grins a menacing grin as J, J, & M are in shock and Jessie asks Wobbuffet if it's true. "Wooooooobbbuuuuhh wooobbuuuuhh", salutes Wobbuffet confirming that he does have a history here.

"We told ya, you whippin' boy that we'd come back and getcha after you left us. But now it looks like you've saved us that trouble you blobby loser", shouts out some other cadet as his Elekid also taunts Wobbuffet. Wobbuffet's reaction??? What you'd expect and demand out of a heroically patient pokemon as it just stands there steadfast and utters, "Woooooooobbbuuuuhh." All of the military cadets and pokemon then begin to get all up on our patiently pleased anti-hero ready to bully him around.

"Heeey! You can't do that to my pokemon!", shouts Jessie taking a stand for her teammate yelling, "If there's anybody that's going yell at or bully around my Wobbuffet, it's going to be ME!!!" "You tell 'em Jess", remarks Meowth passively at her as Wobbuffet wobb's again. But the head commando informs them as he laughs, "A-heh-heh-heh! That's nice to hear but unfortunately for you, this is our house here. And I, Big Cpt. Joe make the rules around here. Thus, since we've been controlling your bumbly blue blob for longer than you've been blasting around in that balloon, I say we keep 'em and have little bit of fun with all of you."

"Daaaahh... fun? I dun like da sounduh dat", quips Meowth growing fearful of what about what these military thugs may do. "That's preposterous! No one in this entire series has done anything longer than us getting blasted off", quips James taking pride in his work and his failures and even acknowledging the TV show that he's stolen the spotlight in. He also seems quite interested in getting into Big Cpt. Joe's face... not to mention an unspecified article of clothing. The military thugs all gang up on our TR ready to bully them around making TR except for Wobbuffet, naturally, very nervous with anime sweatdrops.

"How about we welcome you back with little charge.... ol' buddy", teases the complete asshole as a Raichu comes forward as Big. Cap. Joey makes it thundershock TR. A short-circuited TR is hurting but not feeling too much different as Jessie irks them further. She tells them, "You're going to have to do much better than that if you want to short circuit Team Rocket!", Jessie tells them as James eagerly agrees. Big Gay James then tells Big Homophobe Capt., "We've been fried a hundred times worse by your unevolved form!" "Woooooooooobbbuuuhhhffet.... woooobbb", sagely adds Wobbuffet to James's exclamatory point.

"Fine! Then I'll introduce you to my partner and most supreme ranking pokemon around. Get up here, Magmar!!!", shouts the insane bully and up comes his pokemon personality reflector.... a badass Magmar that has the branding of a skull on its left shoulder like it's a tattoo though none of the characters pick up on it or are too scared or confused to care. "That's one mean-looking Magmar", quips Jessie as she's even intimidated by it. Meanwhile, a still befuddled and sizzling Meowth then asks, "Duuuuhhh.... could somebody please tell me what'n da woild's goin' on heeya?" Magmar then uses its flame wheel to torture poor TR some more as Wobbuffet seems to absorb the damage with more calm than perhaps is good for its health. "Ha haaaa... they're even more fun to watch suffer than those preservationists that didn't want us to do that missile testing in the forest!", laughs one of the scratchy throated cadets as another proclaims to the rest to get them. TR, about to endure a wicked assault by some incredibly sick individuals, huddles together in a nightmare-like fear.

But dude.... what sick f*cks?!? Enjoying watching a forest of pokemon to get blown up..... damn!!!

Meanwhile, our threesome has just arrived in the welcoming center unaware of the total raping that's occurring to TR. (Note: I meant 'raping' as a figure of speech... but still, you never know what those whacked out cadets are going to do.) They notice the very cozy fireplace with the lounge area for the guests of any cadet that may come to see them as well as a fireplace and a reception especially for the female cadet there it seems like. "Pikaa", says Pikachu pointing out the images of colossal Girafarigs sticking out of the wall. "Whoa... this is quite the well decorated room", comments Justin as the reception lady asks if they can help them.

"Ummm yes", says Crystal meekly, "We're a bunch of pokemon trainers and I'm training to be in the Kanto League. I was sent here to America by Professor Oak to retrieve a special pokemon device from Prof. Pine. Now we're looking for an easy way to get back to Pallet Town and we we're informed that you might possibly be able to take us there." "Pokemon trainers, huh?", replies the woman as she tells them that they may be able to work something out since the US military has more money than they know what to do with.

And so, the threesome gets a walkthrough of the training base watching cadets climb up cargo nets with their pokemon as well as duck through other obstacles in their training. "This camp looks really rough", notices Cris-tal as she sees all the roughhousing going on as Misty notices that even the pokemon are getting into the training. Their woman guide tells them that this base is for pokemon as well as humans as she claims that their fort has been using pokemon for as long as they've been operating. She adds that they have pokemon help on everything including medical recovery (which gets Cris-tal to remark 'Cool!'), bomb sniffing, utility work, and even help out in battle if need be. She concludes that they'll even be helping out on their chopper ride back to Pallet Town though we have not been informed about a helicopter base in Pallet Town.

"A chopper ride??", asks Misty who then gets uneasy forming another sweatdrop behind her, "Ohhh goody... huh huh... As if I wasn't traumatized enough by the crash of the last chopper we we're on." After Misty reminds us of that, Justin assures her not to worry since the pilots of the fort are especially trained to handle just about any kind of situation. "I... certainly hope so", responds Misty as something catches their eyes down below in the training area. "Hey, look down there you guys, it's really getting wild down there. And look who's in the middle of it", points out Justin as Crystal states that it's TR. "Shrew shrew!", adds Sandshrew as we watch these evil military psychos and their pokemon torture our heroes with more and more punishment.

"I think I'm burned and frozen at the same time", whines James with an awkward expression of his face since he's in so much pain, but also looking at so many attractive men. "Eyy... look up dere, it's da twoips!", points out Meowth looking up at the balcony that the twerps are walking on. "Pipe down!", shouts one of the cadets as a surly looking Ivysaur whips the scratch-kitty on top of his head thumping him back down. "You've got to help us, twerps! We didn't even ask for this!", pleads Jessie. "What?!?", replies Crystal thinking about this absurd concept of helping an arch-nemesis. So to make it a little more convincing to help our TR, Jessie and James make up a little rhyme to get the twerps attention of more evil unfolding. "If you aren't willing to help us three...", starts Jessie. James then finishes, "Then at least observe the torture in room 6B!"

"TORTURE?!", gasp Misty and Cris-tal as goofy Justin gasps, "ROOM 6B?!?" "Right behind you guys...", remarks their guide as they turn around to see a big red '6B' on the door behind them. "Oh", oh's Justin as Crystal hears some pokemon attacking and crying out in there. They try to open the door but the military punks were smart enough to lock it... but not smart enough to fortify the door against spunky little rodent pokemon. "Sandshrew... tackle that door!", commands Crystal as we see that the US military didn't use their new funds on better doors as Sandshrew effortlessly brings it down with a single tackle. And what the twerps discover is something rather horrific and offensive to any dodger.

Inside what looks like a storage closet, they see three cadets including Big GI Joe and his Magmar, and a few other bullies vine whipping, burning, and pecking poor ol' patient Wobbuffet who just patiently takes the punishment uttering, "Wooooooobbuuuhhh", after each blow. "What's going on, here?", gasps Crystal as Big Fat Joe tells them that it's none of their business. "That's not a military exercise.... that's just flat out torture! And Wobbuffet never asked for it... I know that!", says Justin figuring everything out. "He didn't ask for it?!? What are you talking about? Look at that stupid expression on its face... that expression asks for a little whoopin'", replies Big Cap'n Crunch.

"The only one that's asking for trouble is you, Joseph", the guide woman tells him asserting herself as a good guy. But the big bully quiets the woman he identifies as Private Michelle and degrades the female sex by telling her to go back to her secretary desk. Obviously, this doesn't sit too well with Crystal and Misty who now feel like fighting this punk. Misty then raises some conservative viewers eyebrows by saying, "Don't talk to her that way, you punk!" "And you have no business bullying around that Wobbuffet and we're not going to let you continue it..... even if it IS Team Rocket we're fighting for", adds Crystal. "You little punk kids think you can stop ME! I'll send you three all the way back to kindergarten, you maggots!", cackles Big Cap Joe as he sicks his corporal Magmar on our threesome. And thus, Crystal sends out Sandshrew to teach this Wobbuffet-abusing bully a lesson while Pikachu cries, "Pikaaa", to Sandshrew wishing good luck in kicking ass.

But first.... Crystal checks out a little more on Magmar...

Magmar - the Spit Fire Pokemon - The fiery surface of its, body, gives - off - a - wavering, rippling glare that is similar, to the sun.

Magmar tries an ember attack which Sandshrew blocks with its sand-attack and then Cris-tal has it go forward with a slash attack which Magmar dodges. "Magmar's pretty shifty", says an anxious Misty as Big Joe has Magmar use leer. "Sandshrew... stop it with take down attack!", replies Crystal as Sandshrew races back towards Magmar. But Magmar then uses smokescreen to hide itself from the attack. So Crystal has Sandshrew use sandstorm to clear away the smoke to the chagrin of Magmar and Big Cpt. Joe.

"This brat is better than I thought. MAGMAR! CONFUSE RAY!", shouts the evil military captain as Sandshrew protects himself against it using defense curl. "Hm... it's going to take more than that to mess around with Sandshrew", remarks Justin proud of his pupil's pokemon. "Woooooooobbuuuhhffet!", adds Wobbuffet with a salute observing the battle. Magmar then connects with a fire punch to the curled up Sandshrew knocking it against the wall. "HAH! You're pathetic little ball game is over, maggot", teases the psychotic bully. "That's what you think", grins Crystal, "Sandshrew, use rollout attack!" "What?!?", gasps Big M-F'er Joe as Sandshrew pops out of its defense curl for a moment to smirk at Magmar's wimpy attempt to beat him and then he pops Magmar for big time damage.

But just as Sandshrew is ready to finish off Magmar, Sandshrew gets blindsided by a water gun which we see coming from a Quagsire just entering in along with a host of other pokemon and military personnel. "Sandshrew!", gasps Crystal, "What in the...", she starts to cuss before she turns around only to get speared by Quagsire. "Cris! Are you alright?!", asks a worried Justin as a Politoed slams it to the ground from behind. "No!", gasps Misty as she and Pikachu feel the impact of Hitmonlee jump kicks.

"Heeeey! What's the big idea?", wonders Crystal as Sandshrew angrily quips, "Saaashrew!", in pain. Big Cpt. Morgan explains, "Hah hah! Three more enemy scum that tried to bring down Fort Girafarig about to become more training fodder." "Wooooooooobbuuuhh", utters Wobbuffet as Big Joe Schmoe yells for it to shut up and then Magmar fire punches it out of commission as Wobbuffet yells, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOBBB." "You can't get away with this!", yells Misty making the captain bellow in laughter. "I think these little kids need a naptime! Private Parasect... spore attack!", yells Big Cpt. Joe and a military Parasect enters the room and uses its spore attack to put the threesome, their pokemon, and Wobbuffet to sleep.

While Private Michelle can only look on in horror, the bully commandoes then drag our characters out of the S & M room and onto the balcony where another sergeant brings our psycho military leader a beaten and dazed Team Rocket. "SIR! WHAT SHOULD WE DO THESE TRESPASSERS, SIR?", yells the Sgt. guy standing next to his ugly-looking Flaaffy. (Note: This Flaaffy isn't ugly looking in particular, Flaaffies are just ugly in general with that pointless shrawl of electric wool around their necks exposing their huge guts and so on.) "Could ya get me a cup o' coffee?? Wit' extra milk, of course", requests Meowth getting him a thumping from the Machamp grabbing a hold of its tail.

"Throw them in the hold.... we're gonna put 'em all away until the next time we wanna play with them", declares Big Ass Joe making some of his fellow thugs cackle wickedly. "Sir, yes sir!", shouts the sarge as things are now looking very bad for all our cast of characters... heroes and twerps alike. The ominous tone of the story looks like it's officially reached its peak.

 

<cue commercial> Who's that pokemon?? (This dodgy pokemon is several adult jokes in and of itself.)

It's Lickitung!!! ......................"Lickiiiiiiiiitunnng!”

 

It took the whole commercial break, but eventually we find Crystal just coming to, waking up somewhere that she's not familiar with. "Ohhh", she moans waking up just like she does so often from those crack binges, "Where.... am I? You guys, wake up." Thus, the threesome along with Sandshrew and Pikachu slowly sit up in what looks like another storage space..... this one for food ingredients. "Huh? Where did they put us?", wonders Justin looking around. "I don't know", says Misty clearing her red/orange hair away from her face.

"Ahhhh... dat tortcha was cruel, but at least I got a nice relaxin' cat nap", yawns Meowth as Team Rocket then wakes up. "I suppose that wasn't so bad..... HEY! Where are we?!?", says James who then gets nervous. "We've got to get out of here wherever we are", adds Jessie as Crystal tells them that it's no use since the door is locked. "It's locked?! That means we're stuck in here without any idea of where exactly we are!", shouts Jessie. "And we're locked in with the twerps to boot", adds James as Meowth proclaims that at least he can get some more pleasant shut-eye. "What are you talking about? My back pains felt horrible sleeping on this marble floor", comments James who knows his floors. "Umm... I think it's because you're sleeping on that sack of flour, Meowth", notices Misty.

"Haw?", wonders Meowth looking down at the sack that reads "FLOUR" in bold red caps, "A-heeeeyyy... so is it flowuh." "Wait a minute? If that's flour and these are unprepared rations over here...", states Jessie. "Then this must mean....", then adds James as TR announces happily, "We're in da food pantryyyy!!" "Hey! What are you more worried about? Food or getting out of this predicament alive?", shouts Misty. "Of course we want to get out alive..", states James ingest handfuls of raw cinnamon while Meowth is going for the slightly more healthy beef jerky. "... but we don't wanna save ourselves on an empty stomach."

Hey.... failure, poverty, and hunger make you do some desperate and strange things.

"Hey..... dooooees anybody know what happened to Wobbuffet?", wonders Jessie. "Hmmm... I don't know. You didn't call it back into your pokeball?", asks Crystal in a rare moment of cooperation between her and Jessie. "Umm... I don't think so", remarks Jessie. "Oh no", sighs Misty as Jessie wonders where it could be. "I wonder if those mean military men are doing something with it", says James. Meowth then fears, "Duuuhh... I've gotta bad feelin' about our bumblin' blobby blue buddy."

Meanwhile, we see the loud, obnoxiously mean military punks near the captive patient pokemon and treating it like the little 3rd grade scholar that all the delinquent kids (or in this case, military cadets) beat up on. "Don't get us wrong, Wobbuffet. We're glad that you've returned to Fort Girafarig", claims one of the commanders, "We knew you didn't have what it took to succeed in the pokemon world." "It's alright... why don't you settle down and have some grub with us?", says the cafeteria worker as even he gets into the mockery by flinging the artificial mashed potatoes in Wobbuffet's face.

"Oops.... I missed! My bad", says the cafeteria guy mockingly as the cadets laugh at him. And then when Wobbuffet licks the mashed potatoes off his face, that ushers in more mocking laughs. Wobbuffet takes it patiently and then carries his tray of mass produced school-type lunch to any of the pokemon tables looking for any pokemon to eat with. Unfortunately, none of the macho, hormone-filled pokemon will share a seat at the table with the blue one. Thus, Wobbuffet then gets called over to Big Cpt. Joe's table where Wobbuffet sits between he and his Magmar.

"Maaggmarrr", utters Magmar as the two of them start eating Wobbuffet's food from his plate while our Wobby protagonist just sits there. "It's awful nice of you to come here and share your food with us. Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heeeeeehhh", yells the capt. as he squeezes his arm around Wobbuffet. "Woooobbuuuhh", retorts Wobbuffet as he spends some more time with the military punks.

As that's happening, our captive crew is going through the usual scene and thought process of how to break through of the door to the pantry. "We need a way to get out of here... either through the door or maybe the ceiling", says Crystal as Pikachu 'pika's' in thought. "This door is strong... I'm not even sure if my Dragonite's hyper beam would be able to blast it", remarks Justin. Meanwhile, Jessie is yelling at them, "Come on! You're the pokemon masters around here. Can't you find a way to escape from this stupid place? Who knows what could be happening to our pokemon up there?“ Misty calls for Jessie to chill out as James agrees and then asks Jessie since when she was so concerned about 'that big blue bumbler'. "I care about it because it was mine and it was stolen for me!! It's perfectly fine for me to steal from others... but it's just not right the other way around", decrees Jessie.

"Boy Jessie.... you certainly know a lot about the world", sarcastically quips Crystal as Sandshrew mutters beside her. "Oh I know.... I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Fortunately though, I have found out plenty of rotten things about myself in the process", answers Jessie as Crystal fusses over a way to use her pokemon to bust the door. But the pokemon for emergency use exhibition is put on hold when something bursts the knob and penetrates through creating an opening.

.....................

..................... GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA!!!

"Huh?", huh's everyone as a Pineco hops on in through the door making Crystal shout out it's name. "Don't be alarmed. It's only me.... I've come to free you guys and get you out of here", states a woman's voice revealed to be Private Michelle. "Hey! It's Michelle! Thank you for taking care of that door for us", says Misty. "Ok... but you should be thanking Pineco, here", remarks Private Michelle. "Thank you, Pineco. Now we have to find a way to get out of here without alarming the rest of the soldiers", says Crystal.

"Don't worry... leave that job to Pineco and I. We'll get you all out of here safely", says Michelle. "Woo hooooo! Let's see those military bullies prepare for the trouble we have in store for them", cheers James. "I can't wait to get back at those thugs. I can't believe the nerve of them going near my beautiful face!", shouts Jessie getting outraged. "Well let's just bust this joint for starters, Jessie", says James as the both of them request Private Michelle to lead the way. "'EEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY.... NOW WAIT A COTTON-PICKIN' MINUTE 'ERE!", shouts Meowth claiming, "Don't eituh of ya pinheads care about what happened tuh Wobbuffet, or why dose punks is messin' around wit it da way dey are?? Or even what dese guys know uhbout Wobbuffet."

Just realizing that they're still missing their patient link, Jessie then says, "Oh yeah... I guess I do want to find out what's up with Wobbuffet and this place." "Yeah... why were they so mean to Team Rocket's Wobbuffet?", asks Justin. "Maybe I should tell you all a little bit about a part of history here at Fort Girafarig when Wobbuffet was just a soldier", says Michelle. "Really?", wonders Crystal as Michelle starts into her story. "Well.... it was actually several years ago.....", starts Michelle as we start to see and hear all those flashback effects.

Hooray!!! Backstory on Wobbuffet!!!

Michelle narrates, "...Wobbuffet just came here for basic military pokemon training after it had evolved from a Wynaut... a Wobbuffet's pre-evolved species. Usually, pokemon that enter Fort Girafarig are very macho, tough as nails, and are merciless. But there was something different about Wobbuffet..." "All right, maggots! Everyone line up!", yells a loud blowhard that looks like a younger Big Cpt. Joe. Thus, all the pokemon that have come in for training get up to the designated yellow line for lining up with Wobbuffet trailing them and being last. "Each group of pokemon coming into Fort Girafarig was supposed to become the toughest, roughest group of pokemon. Each pokemon the lieutenant commanded was rambunctious, loud, and clear to obey the captain. But when he got to Wobbuffet..."

"Maggot, step out!", yells the Lt. making a younger, fresher looking Wobbuffet cry out, "Wooooooobbuuuhhffet", before stepping out. But he only gets a slap to the side of its head with the guy yelling that he didn't permit it to speak. The other pokemon then look at the patient soldier with a smirk of superiority as the head lieutenant yells, "I don't like you already Private Wobbuffet. Therefore, your new nickname is the whipping boy. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, WHIPPING BOY?!?" "Woooooooobbbuuuhhffet", agrees Wobbuffet with a salute for its lieutenant.

"And from there, the teasing and humiliation of that poor Wobbuffet just went on and on. Even through everyday military life", Private Michelle continues to narrate. Wobbuffet goes to open up his locker and see nothing in there as well as the lock being destroyed which befuddles the patiently pleased pokemon. He then turns around and sees a Hitmonchan and an Ursaring drinking a juice pouch and eating a sandwich that Wobbuffet looks at like it's his. "Wooooooooobbbuuuh", he observes staying patient through this ordeal as the chorus of that war song plays through the scenes.

War... huh!....... What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'!.. C'mon now say it again... (you know.... that song...)

We then witness another scene where the military pokemon are lining up to cross mudhole on a balance beam. They all cross easily until Wobbuffet starts to cross. Wobbuffet looks just fine, at first, as it crosses the mudhole with ease and of course, patience. But then, a sneaky Starmie with a military strap on fires a cheap shot water gun at Wobbuffet from behind while it's trying to cross. It makes poor Wobbuffet lose its balance and then fall into the mud to the laughter of everyone. "That's pathetic! What kind of an effort is that, you whipping boy?", yells the commander. "Woooobbbuuuhhffet", says Wobbuffet saluting while laying down in the mud.

We then go to another scene where the poke-soldiers are swinging across a series of ropes to get from one elevated platform to the other. Again, when it was Wobbuffet's turn, our patiently pleased hero is a victim of sabotage. Wobbuffet swings to the first three rope vines with ease like we've seen it do before, but once it gets to the final rope, a giant Fearow soars right above Wobbuffet creating chaotic wind turbulence making Wobbuffet spin around wildly on the rope as it yells, "Woooo-ooo-ooooobbb", yet is still able to keep saluting despite all the spinning. However, Wobbuffet can only hang on for so long as eventually it plummets down to the ground to the criticism of the other pokemon. "Well.. as usual, whipping boy, you can't cut the mustard!", yells the younger Big M-Fer Joe.

We then see Wobbuffet walking through the corridor of the Ft. Girafarig mess hall ready for another meal. Then, Wobbuffet bumps into a fellow poke-soldier.... this one is a Persian in its 4-legged camouflage. "Wooooooooobbbuuuhh wooooooobb", greets Wobbuffet as the bully Persian roars threateningly for Wobbuffet to move. However, Wobbuffet stands its ground patiently with a salute. This doesn't suit the Persian too well as it goes to take a swipe at Wobbuffet only to have its claw go right back in its face courtesy of Wobbuffet's counter. Thus, Persian is yelping like a young kitten drawing the attention of Big Asshole Joe who's outraged that poor Persian is in pain instead of insulting like they usually do with Wobbuffet. "Don't tell me that you were the one that injured Private Persian, whippin' boy! Well are you??", shouts Joey. "Woooooooobbbuuhhffet!", salutes Wobbuffet to confirm Joe's suspicions. This outrages Joe and thus, he enforces a double standard again sicking his troops on Wobbuffet to punish the patient blue wonder.

"Even though Wobbuffet suffered through unfair and unspeakable persecution, I've never seen a pokemon with more patience or willingness to continue on with the grueling lifestyle. I mean, it always stayed true and has been itself. I know that its confidence and refusal to quit has inspired me in my many years here", Pvt. Michelle comments. "Wow... I never knew Wobbuffet went through such grueling training", says Jessie. "Fuh me, just tinkin about a torturous life of soivitude in da military makes me wanna dig my claws intuh my arms", comments Meowth for the record. "But what happened that allowed Wobbuffet to leave Fort Girafarig?", wonders Misty. "I'm not exactly sure of the details.... but I think it happened about a few years after Wobbuffet arrived at the camp", says Michelle.

"One day there was a special adoption of military pokemon for kids that had the privilege to come to Fort Girafarig. The notion was that you could adopt one of the toughest trained pokemon in the world that was still able to be domesticated", Michelle adds. We see all different sorts of pokemon lining up looking for a happy home away from the toiling of military life as all the young boys and girls come in to choose a lucky pokemon. "Whipping boy!! I don't see a desert on my desk.... it better be here uneaten, maggot!!", yells a voice that you could tell was Big Cap Joe.

The father of one of the boys (we can only see the adult's legs) then tells his son about picking one. "Now Benny, is there a pokemon here that is to your liking and is small enough to be around the house?", he asks to his small boy with black hair and a tan complexion. "Wooooooooobbbuuuhhffet", utters Wobbuffet carrying a tray of what looks like a banana sundae. Mmmmmmmm... Now, the familiar looking Benny sees Wobbuffet carrying the sundae in the background getting the wise young 'un excited. He instantly wants the smiling, patient, blue pokemon in the background that has the charm that was soon to make it a TR star. Thus, I don't blame him.

"You want the Wobbuffet, Benny?", asks his mom as Wobbuffet notices Benny pointing at him as it gives a hearty salute. "Woooooooooobbuuhhffet!", shouts Wobbuffet to acknowledge young Benny choosing him as his new military trained pokemon. "I was on duty to help the kids choose the pokemon they wanted and when the young boy wanted Wobbuffet, I initially was about to tell them that Wobbuffet wasn't a part of the program. But then after realizing the misfortunes that Wobbuffet had to endure...", narrates Michelle. "You're cool! And you're even interested in eating sundaes. Sundaes are my favorite food, too", Benny tells Wobbuffet. "Woooooooobbbuuuhh", replies Wobbuffet with great interest.

"Miss.... my son would like to adopt that Wobbuffet. Can we move forward so my son can take it home?", asks the father as he sees his Benny smiling with delight at the patient blue pokemon. "Actually sir...", starts Michelle about to let the poor boy down until she hears the asshole captain complaining like a little bitch about not having his ice cream, "Wobbuffet is one of the finest soldiers your son could have picked, let's step outside so we can arrange everything. "Alright.... c'mon Benny! You can bring Wobbuffet, too!", says Benny's pa. "Alright!!! Coming Wobbuffet?", asks young Benny as Wobbuffet complies and wobbs outside the garage where the adoption is taking place. Michelle concludes that she was able to get Wobbuffet away from the cruelty of the camp and into a happy and loving home. "Take care, Wobbuffet!", waves Michelle as Benny's family walks away with their new pokemon. They all wave back to the adopters, the pokemon, and Pvt. Michelle as Wobbuffet salutes saying, "Wooooooooobbbuuuuhhffet!"

............. and the rest.............. is history! Flashback over!

The flashback ends as everyone is reached emotionally one way or the other by the story. "Oh my God, I feel so bad for Wobbuffet and it went through", Misty tells Michelle. "No wonder why it can absorb all my ranting...", comments Jessie. James and Meowth are then sobbing profusely as James states how he liked that sad story with a happy ending. "I kin relate to da punishment dat our buddy Wobbo had tuh go true. I was picked on and isolated as a younguh Meowth as well", sobs Meowth. "I just feel bad for what those cadets may be doing to Wobbuffet right about now", says Michelle.

Thus, Crystal proposes that it's time to teach those troopers a lesson that there's more to a highly trained pokemon than just strength, aggression, and intensity and that why Pikachu, Sandshrew, and her are going to show those chump stains what pokemon training is really about. "Absolutely, those meat-headed soldiers will never see coming what we have in store for them", adds Misty. "Pikaaa pikachu!", states Pikachu as Crystal calls for them to come claiming that they've got some battling to do. But then another hero steps in and proclaims, "Oh no, you don't, you're not going to be doing anything today!" "Huuuh?", gasps everyone as they look back at Jessie who made the proclamation.

"If there's anyone here that's going to teach those poke-bullies a lesson, it's going to be me!", shouts Jessie. "You?!?", gasps the threesome as Sandshrew also pops up to utter, "Shrew?" "That's right", proclaims Jessie explaining that it's her pokemon that they're bullying around and that absolutely NO ONE bosses around her pokemon except for her. That why she says she's going to fight those cadets in addition to how they beat HER up earlier including her beautiful face. "Umm.... that's a novel concept Jessie, but are you sure about this?", asks Crystal.

"Are you serious? They even had the nerve to beat up on me, including my face. ......NO ONE GETS AWAY WITH RUINING MY FACE!!! And now those pathetic bad guy wannabe's are gonna PAY!!!", she responds loudly with her fist raised near her head confidently. "Uh oh...", quips James as Meowth says that they got her in a mood you neeeeever wanna see Jessie in. "Alright.... then let's go", says Pvt. Michelle as her Pineco cries its name. "Right!", agree the threesome as they all leave the pantry they were imprisoned in.

As they go to rescue Wobbuffet, we see our patiently pleased blue hero entering the barracks after taking much teasing, verbal and physical abuse. "Tyrogue", mutters a Tyrogue turning away from Wobbuffet arrogantly as a Machamp and a Skarmory do likewise.... all are still dressed in military pokemon attire. Wobbuffet then chooses a bed for which to rest on and dream of Jessie after a grueling day. But then Big Man Joe, who's supervising the pokemon goes over to Wobbuffet and squirts it from behind with his water hose. Wobbuffet, thus, gets pushed out to the middle of the barracks by the water from the hose.

"You maggot! Do you think that bed is yours, whipping boy?!? I don't remember that particular bed, or any bed for that matter belonging to you, do I??", yells Big Cpt. Joe. "Wooooobbbuuhhffet", patiently adheres Wobbuffet. We then hear Jessie's voice declaring, "That bed may not be Wobbuffet's but you'll need a resting place once I'm done with you!!"

As a matter of fact, I could use a resting place once I'm done by Jessie..... please God, please!!! (.... this came out much more dodgy than I expected.)

"What the...", wonders Joe as Jessie storms in gallantly to take her TR partner back. "How in the world did you escape?", he gasps as Pvt. Michelle follows her in along with James, Meowth, and the twerps.

“Ahahaaa! Don’t ask questions, just prepare for trouble.”
“Your Wobbuffet bashing is annoying so you’d better make that double”
“To protect our troops from devastation”
“To unite all peoples against your occupation”
“To denounce the evils of hotheaded commandoes”
“To attack our foes more furiously than three Rambos”
“Jessie”
“James”
“Team Rocket initiating battle at the speed of light”
“Surrender now or prepare for an actual fight”
“Meeeowth, dat’s right. By da way, nice uh you tuh bring up dat Rambo-Sylvestuh Stallone connection dere, James”, says Meowth as James tells him it was nothing.. make of that what you will. Meowth then shouts, “Now for-wuuuhhd mahch!!”

"I'm here because I'm fighting back for my Wobbuffet", shouts Jessie. Wobbuffet looks at its trainer and hero and salutes back smiling and proclaiming, "WOOOOOOOBBUUUHHFFET!" Talk about a Kleenex moment...... "And what are you doing, Private Michelle?", wonders Big Cpt. Morgan with Coke. "If I were you, Joseph, I'd be more worried about your supervisors coming here soon for these stunts that you're pulling", answers Pvt. Michelle disciplining him. "You have a lot of nerve calling yourself a pokemon trainer the way you treated Wobbuffet!", shouts Crystal. "Pika-chuuuu", adds Pikachu staunchly alongside Sandshrew.

"You're not to tell me how to run my camp, maggots. Now if you seriously think you can have a go with me young woman, then come try me and be prepared to lose. Let's go Corporal Magmar!!!", shouts Big Mac Joe as his Magmar leaps before him to battle Jessie. "You're idle threats aren't going to phase me, especially when I'm fighting for my friends! GOOOOO ARBOK!", shouts Jessie sending out her Arbok to fight for Wobbuffet. "CHAAAAAAARRRBOK!", yells Arbok as the twerps look on in concern. "Arbok, tackle attack!", shouts Jessie as Arbok lunges for Magmar. Magmar jumps and then tries to nail the cobra pokemon with a fire punch.

Arbok escapes at the last moment thanks to Jessie's urgent warning as she then has Arbok use poison sting. But then Magmar uses flamethrower which burns away the stingers and hits Arbok as well. "Come on, Arbok, don't stand for that!", shouts an ultra-competitive Jessie. "Have it use toxic attack", suggests Crystal shouting out to our female hero. "I don't need your help!!", shouts Jessie, "But it's worth a try... Arbok! Toxic attack!" Arbok spews a toxic smoke which seems to have poisoned Magmar as Pvt. Michelle notices happily. But its effects are only short-lived as Big Cpt. Joe gives Magmar an antidote that seems to have removed the poison immediately.

"What happened? The poison's effects are gone!", asks a startled James. Justin tells them that Magmar used a poisoncureberry which removes all traces of poison within a pokemon. So Jessie just groans, "Grrr.... Arbok, quick! Use your headbutt attack!" So Arbok nails Magmar with a headbutt attack while it was enjoying its poisoncureberry. "Alright! Let's turn it up, Magmar! Use your fire blast!", shouts Big Cpt. Joe. "Maaagmarr", answers Magmar who emits its fire blast in the shape of a five-legged stick figure. "Chaaaaaarrrbokkaa", cries out Arbok in pain as the fire blast forces it into the walls of the barracks. "Oh no!", says Jessie as her TR companions worry about her. She insists that she's okay and then she calls back her woozy Arbok.

"Had enough, maggot?", yells the cpt. "You've got to be kidding me, I have plenty left in me", declares Jessie as Wobbuffet responds to her confident boast. She then chooses Wobbuffet to battle for her as our patiently pleased blue hero couldn't be happier to zip in front of Jessie to battle Magmar. "Waah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-haaaaah! Looks like the whipping boy is going to finally fight back.... isn't that heartwarming?", mocks Big Cpt. Joe as the rest of the cadets chuckle along with Magmar. "Why don't you try my big blue blob and see how funny it is?", retorts Jessie. "Are you serious? We are the United States Military! Nobody gets away with outbattling us!", shouts Big Cpt. Joe showing that American pride that the wealthy and the military love to enjoy.

"Alright Corporal Magmar, show that whipping boy what you're capable of. Use iron tail!", shouts Big Joe. Magmar winds up to nail Wobbuffet as Jessie shouts, "Wobbuffet, counter attack!" Wobbuffet raises its strange black tail and then glows red pushing Magmar's iron tail back into itself dealing some damage. "What?! Errrr.... that was a lucky shot. But let's see luck get you out of this! Magmar... use smokescreen!", shouts Big Cpt. Joe. Magmar covers the entire immediate area around itself and Wobbuffet with the thick smoke making Meowth and James concerned.

But Jessie has Wobbuffet use safeguard so that Wobbuffet will be protected from any status problems that Magmar may try to inflict on our patient blue hero. A nice move according to Pvt. Michelle, the heroes' accomplice. Magmar is then ordered to use fire blast on Wobbuffet. "Uh oh", quips Crystal as Justin states that Wobbuffet couldn't possibly take a powerful attack such as fire blast. Do they ever have much to learn..... right? Magmar then fires its fire blast through the smoke right at Wobbuffet as Jessie then readies it to use mirror coat. When it reaches the right moment Jessie then tells Wobbuffet to use mirror coat. Wobbuffet raises its tail, glows red, and counters just at the right time sending the fire blast back at Magmar to the shock of Big Cpt. Blow knocking out the 'corporal'.

"My Magmar!!", shouts Big J. Lo outraged as he then turns his attention to Wobbuffet, "Why you dirty, no good, two-timin'" He then picks up what looks like a bayonette and then charges at Wobbuffet proclaiming that he'll show our blue wonder what a real military battle is like. And for his troubles, he gets exactly what's coming to him when Wobbuffet counters him away, too. Big Bad Joe slams against one of the metal posts of one of the double bunked beds as he grumbles in pain holding the back of his head for trying to mess with the patient one. The military pokemon look on in concern as one of the captain's men yells, "Troops! Fall in and fight for your brethern!" Thus, the rest of the military cadets and pokemon swarm around Wobbuffet and Jessie for hurting their beloved lead bully. But Jessie's unlikely brethern steps up to the plate in the form of Cris-tal and Pikachu. "Pikachu, stop them with your thunder attack!", shouts Crystal.

And with one simple yet powerful blast of voltage, dozens of highly trained, very dangerous military tough guys get reduced to a whimpering bunch of p*ssies that fold from electricity faster than TR ever did. Big Cpt. Joe is in some real hot sh*t now as he looks up wearily to see a pissed off Pikachu and Sandshrew staring ominously at him. "Euuuggghhh!", gasps Big Cpt. Jack. "Saaaaaashrew shrew!", yells Sandshrew. "Piiii-kaaaaaaa...", starts Pikachu with its red cheeks buzzing with static electricity. "Wooooooooobbbuuuuhhffet!", shouts Wobbuffet saluting in back of Crystal's poke-duo.

"No.... hold your fire! I'm sorry. I never knew that Wobbuffet was so strong. I... uh, I... simply thought that the pokemon that weren't aggressive or rough were weak and needed to be toughened up. "Then obviously you don't know pokemon very well at all", responds Justin. "You can't just measure how good a pokemon is by how much it wants to fight. There's much more to pokemon than that", adds Crystal. But Jessie's had enough of the daily pokemon lecture and wants her and Wobbuffet to be compensated for everything they went through. "Alright, we'll let you have something back to make up for what we put you through, just don't hurt us anymore", cries the suddenly whiny girly bitch of a military captain.

"Anything, huh?", quips James as.... well you can make up your own James joke for this one. "Well, I know what we want. Pikachu, Sandshrew, Justin, Misty, and I want a flight back to Pallet Town", declares Crystal. "It looks like you're a tougher TR trooper than I ever could have imagined", Jessie says in a nice manner to Wobbuffet (perhaps a first), "Do you know what you want??" "Woooooobbbuuhh", says Wobbuffet standing stauchly next to Jessie. "Well I coitantly know what I want. En I tink I have en idea of how dese military dudes kin repay our blobby blab of blue blubbuh", suggests Meowth. Then a bit of comedy playing on the tongue twister as Misty states bluntly, "I wonder what TR's gonna ask for.... I'm sure it's probably going to be a lot." "I don't know. All I heard out of Meowth was blah bl-blah blaahh", Justin then tells Misty.

 

<cue commercial> Who's that pokemon?? (This is the main pokemon character of this series that cannot emit electricity and knows how to get high.)

It's Sandshrew!!! ............................... "Saaaaanshrew!"

 

Later on, with the sun about to set on Fort Girafarig, a grey haired man introduces himself as the general of this particular district of the US military. Crystal shakes his hand as TR just looks on apathetically. "I heard all about what you have done for this place and I must say I thank you for taking a stand and putting a stop to this nonsense. I can assure you that this activity does not truly represent what the US military is about", the general tells them is what is basically a disclaimer. "You're welcome!!!", urgently replies TR out of nowhere wanting to take the credit for the heroics. And why not?? They are the real heroes of this series, aren't they??

The general then tells a nervous and almost begging Big Cpt. Joe that he's going to be Big Cpt. Joe and that's all. "Huh? I don't get it?", utters the big stupid roidhead. "It means I'm removing you of your duties as leader of this fort", replies the general as instead, he decides to name Pvt. Michelle the new leader of Ft. Girafarig and promote her from Pvt. to sergeant. "Thank you, sir!", replies sergeant Michelle as her new powers give her the powers to make any of the troops at Ft. Girafarig her sex slave. The general claims to have made the decision based on her ethical conduct (i.e. whistleblowing on Big Fat Joe) and dedication to the force. "That's a great choice. You're going to be a great sargeant, Michelle", says Crystal holding Sandshrew in her arms with Pikachu clipped onto her head. "Ma'am, yes ma'am!", responds Michelle triggering a laugh from the threesome.

"All dat military stuff ain't fuh me, but dis huge sack uh food en flour fuh sleepin' on sure is", utters Meowth watching the twerps converse with Michelle. "If we're ever near Kansas again and need to fill our stomach, we can just come to Fort Girafarig and eat out anytime", proclaims Jessie. "And from now on, we will fully realize Wobbuffet as not just the patient pokemon that can't attack and annoy us by making special appearances out of its pokeball on its own. Indeed, Wobbuffet is truly one of us.... a Team Rocket.... trooper", comments James going on about how much TR appreciates Wobbuffet even though the patiently pleased one annoys them on an almost daily basis. "Are you ready, Wobbuffet? You're going to get to the best seat on the jet", shouts Pvt. Michelle standing next to the jet pilot being one of her cadets. "Wooooooooobbbuuuhhffet", responds Wobbuffet with a salute.

"You know, if Wobbuffet stays here with me, Jessie, I think it can be an inspiration for our other pokemon that come through Fort Girafarig. I mean, I haven't seen too many other pokemon with the discipline that it possesses", Michelle proposes to Jessie. This dialogue and situation sounds scary but luckily for you dodgers, Nintendo and the WB (and yours truly) are in their right minds.... for Jessie replies with a startled laughter, "Ah ha ha ha... it doesn't sound like a bad idea, but I can't let you have Wobbuffet simply because... Wobbuffet, as odd as it is..... is one of us. A proud misfit member of the dastardly Team Rocket." "Wooooooobbuuuhhffet", agrees Wobbuffet still saluting Michelle.

[sniff]... ***wipes tear aside***

Later on, we see the jet from a side angle take off and soon after, we see a flash of a legendary blue pokemon dashing through the Midwestern wilderness. Meanwhile, higher in the sky, we see Jigglypuff floating with assistance from the wind as she squeals, "Jigglypuuuuufff!" On the jet, we see the pilot steering the jet next to Wobbuffet sitting in the co-pilot's seat with Sgt. Michelle sitting between them. Two storage holds are behind them with TR in one and the threesome in the other. "Hmmm... I don't think you could beat a day where Team Rocket was fighting on our side and we get a turbulence free ride back to Pallet Town", comments Crystal. "I'm just glad I'm sitting in this closet so I don't have to look all the way down and scare myself to death", adds Misty. "Hmmm.... maybe TR is starting to learn that good behavior can get you far", thinks Crystal who obviously still has to learn about TR. "Ummm... unfortunately, I don't think so", laughs Justin who then remember to check on Crystal to see if she still has that pokemon sex device from Prof. Pine. Crystal states that it's right in her trusty green bag as it sits along with her always replenished stash of illegal goodies.

On the other side of the jet, TR is chowing down on the mountain of food that they were given by the fort as Meowth sits on his new comfy flour bag. "I wish they could've had some more seats so I could enjoy this food with a scenic view of the Rocky Mountains", quips James who states his crave for view of breathtaking scenery... make of it what you will. "So what?", answers Jessie with her mouth stuffed with food, "This food is just way too good to care, and it‘s piled high like the Rocky Mountains. Let Wobbuffet have his grand ol' ride." And thus, we see Wobbuffet proclaiming, "Woooooooooobbuuuhhffet!", as it rides patiently through the skies as the jet sails away destined for Pallet Town, where it'll be time for Cris-tal to hit the next pokemon gym before this adventure becomes as delayed as Johto was due to Ash's 'wide' scope of intelligence. And one more thing, you may have noticed that I didn't list which branch of the military that Fort Girafarig was for. And quite frankly it was because I didn't care AND I couldn't make up my mind. But in the end, the bad military guys were reduced to p*ssies, got what was coming to them, and TR was the heroes. And thus, an ending that Walt Disney himself would envy. Take that, Michael Eisner, you butterscotch covered douchenugget!!!

To Be Continued