Dragonitemare presents
Pokemon Crystal series
Ep. 9
MEW VS. DRAGONITE
In case you're as retarded as Ash Ketchum, last time the big Johto league championship match got underway. Ash & co. came to
the match as Ash dressed up like a 6 year old at his first baseball game and chowed down on 50 pounds of popcorn at the
expense of daddy's (Oak's) money. Team Twerp was very stunned to see that Justin's opponent revealed himself to be Lawrence
from Pokemon the Movie 2000. Both trainers and their pokemon have put on a great show as each side fought back and forth.
But.... uh oh..... the match has really blown up (my apologies for the horrible pun) since Gengar used self-destruct. And now we
see the smoke clear a sellout crowd of 45,000 at the stadium watches in total silence as self-destruct takes out both Gengar and
Hoothoot.
But hang on to your shorts dodgers, because 1) James may come around to pull them down, and 2) the shocking conclusion to
the Johto league tournament is coming soo..... ah hell.... it's comin at you right now....
<cue intro>
Both pokemon are called back by their respective trainers as Team Twerp discuss the match thus far. "I'm sure Justin will have
no problem winning now that his two remaining pokemon are Kabutops and Dragonite.", states Ash idiotically not even taking
into consideration that Lawrence at one time captured pokemon such as the powerful Moltres and Zapdos. "Don't be so sure
Ash", states a somewhat wiser Tracey.
But then Misty steps in to defend her boyfriend... saying, "I think Ash might be right this time... I don't think any pokemon
could possibly defeat Justin's Dragonite." "I guess you're right Ash.", says Tracey in response.
"After all... there are some reasons why I like him.", tells Misty to the world.
So now that some AAMLers have been satisfied for the moment, let's move on to controversial pairing. Namely, Team Rocket.
We find them still underneath the stadium trying to their way to the field. They still have Lawrence's capture doohickey with
them.
"I'm getting tired of digging.", complains Jessie and then a supreme comment of dodginess follows (pay attention dodgers) from
James as he adds, "And this is not the way I like to get dirty." Heh heh heh heh heh. Meowth then interrupts yelling, "Yeah... well
why don't you do somethin out of characta and start diggin like a man."
Actually, Meowth comment was maybe even dodgier than James's comment. Heh.
TR just groans and then keeps digging until they find an underground mine complete with somewhat of a small lake.
"Hmmm..... I wonda how dis area got here." thinks Meowth and then the ground starts to rumble as they yell in fear what's
happening. Then, an enraged and horny Steelix pops out of the ground pissed off that someone invaded its territory while it was
trying to jerk off I guess.
Or maybe it could possibly suck its own unit.
"So dat's what made dis thing here.", shouts Meowth in terror. James adds, "And we're going to kicked out!" Steelix then starts
kicking their asses as they yelp in terror before being blasted away to another underground area away from the Steelix.
The championship match then resumes with no one unaware of the underground hijinx going on. Lawrence throws out a
Murkrow while Justin snickers and sends out Kabutops to fight Murkrow.
"I can feel the tension in my bones!", shouts Ash like a little girl. Brock adds, "The scary part is... I may be just as excited to
witness this as Ash."
"Kabutops use your slash attack!", yells Justin. But as Kabutops approaches, Lawrence calmly tells Murkrow, "Use faint attack."
Murkrow then disappears and flashes all over the place confusing Kabutops and making it miss. It then uses a steel wing attack
to knock Kabutops around the field like a hockey puck. After a drill peck attack ordered seemingly without passion (just like all
his other commands) by Lawrence III, Kabutops is on the ropes.
Without passion...... I guess a better way to put is ordering in a calm and calculating manager.
Warning!!!!! International viewers may not know whom or what I'm talking about here.
He's competing in this match kind of like Joe Torre!
Warned y'all!!
Kabutops looks done for but then Justin yells at it to take a chance and surf the pool. It heads into the pool and starts surfing
with Murkrow in pursuit. And before Murkrow can use another steel wing, it is washed up by the surf and is down on the
ground.
Justin yells at Kabutops to hurry and use its ancient power attack. This causes huge boulders (the size of those that you see in
those roadrunner cartoons) to rise out of the ground making the ground shake. The attacks nails Kabutops and knocks it out.
Now underneath the field, TR is trying to make their way up so they can use their capture orb thingamajig. "Strong and solid is
normally good features to have but it's bad when it's a Steelix's tail that is smacking us..." states a tired James.
I'll let all your dodgy imaginations run wild on that thought......
"Well... we have to take a little punishment in order to get the reward!", says Jessie crawling on her hands and knees with her ass
high in the (GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA). Meowth adds, "Well once we get up dere, Team Rocket will really start
rockin'!" Then on cue, the ground starts to rumble due to Kabutops's attack.
"Did you say we'll be rockin?", states James in a scared manner from the little earthquake and the fact that the thought of .......
rockin' ........ was in his head (and his pants). "I think we're gonna rumble early.", yells Jessie in terror as the ground falls on all
three.
"Looks like Team Rocket's shaken up again!"
On the field, we notice that Murkrow is out like a light and is unable to battle. So Lawrence the third calls it back and grins an
enormous grin. Meanwhile up in the stands, Team Twerp is going nuts aware of the fact that Justin is one battle away from the
Johto championship. Ash yells about how great he feels as does Pikachu.
Togepi meanwhile laughg evilly hoping to suppress all this energy Misty is getting from watching the match and seeing Ash as
happy as he's ever been. Togepi laughs in rough translation, "Hmph... we'll see about that!" while Ash & co. just hear
"Toge-toge-prii."
Lawrence then states in a cold and calculated manner (the way he's acted throughout the match), "It's time to utilize my key to
victory..... You see little boy, I have the ultimate weapon that none of your pokemon put together can match. So therefore, it's
time to get serious! Pokeball GO!!!" as Justin and Kabutops stare on in anticipation.
So what incredible pokemon will come out..... will it be Lugia? Will it be Mewtwo? Will it be Celebi? Or how about the
almighty Koffing perhaps?
...................
...................
...................
...................
................... HINT YOU MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: CHECK THE MOTHERF*CKIN' TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE.......
UHDUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Out of the pokeball comes Mew who gives a soft "Mew" and it wastes no time whatsoever kicking ass.... It looks at Kabutops and
gives it a psychic blast hammering it against the wall knocking it out. Justin, as well as Team Twerp, looks on in horror at what
transpired.
"Oh my!", yells Old Man Oak, "That's a Mew.... they're supposed to be only a myth! I wonder how that guy was able to catch
one." "I'm afraid Justin's run through the tournament is over.", Misty tells a saddened Ash Ketchum. Ash responds dejectedly like
a Red Sox fan who's team just lost the pennant to the Yankees, "Justin's battle can't end this way."
Back on the field, Lawrence III has a new cocky grin on his face guaranteeing, "It doesn't matter what your final pokemon is....
nothing can match Mew", as he holds up that ancient Mew card that we saw in his possession at the end of Pokemon 2000.
Ahhhhh, so that's how he got that Mew..... too bad the same isn't true in the real world or else all those kids who got those Mew
cards free with their movie admission would all have that pokemon that you can't get anywhere (unless you cheat of course).
Justin though is not going down to Mew without a fight though... "If you think I'm going to back down you're dead wrong", he
shouts as Lawrence III is somewhat stunned that someone would actually challenge Mew. Justin continues, "I have just who I
want to deal with that Mew!", as he sends out......
......... Dragonite! ............. Big surprise there ain't it????
"Hmmm.... that Dragonite is strong, but no pokemon is as strong as Mew... that title is mine!" states Lawrence boldly.
No pokemon as strong as Mew, eh? ... ????? ... Um, I don't know if it's me.... or do y'all think that Mew's GENETICALLY ENHANCED CLONE, Mewtwo would be a
heck of a lot stronger.
Ash states in stunned fashion, "I can't believe I'm witnessing this!" (He's probably said that a million times by now since he can't believe that he actually witnesses
anything being that he's so dense). Then Justin and Lawrence III go into a classic staredown as do Mew and Dragonite.
One of them will certainly come out the victor .................................. or will they?????
The ref asks if they are ready, to which the trainers who are too locked in to pay attention to anything (even if an airplane crashed into the stadium) nod. And then the ref
makes the most chilling and suspenseful announcement in the Pokemon Crystal series so far................................ "BEGIN!!!!!!"
<cue commercial>
"BEGIN!!!!"
Sorry.... had to repeat myself there since that's so dramatic <sarcasm>. And Dragonite and Mew end the staredown and start battling. Lawrence tells Mew to use a psychic
attack but Justin tells him that it won't be that easy and orders Dragonite to fly away. Lawrence then instructs Mew to go after it which it does with surprising speed.
Dragonite is told to try to grab it and give it a slam attack. It actually grabs Mew but Lawrence then orders it to use a take down. Mew then slips out of the grasp of
Dragonite, and rams into in its gut sending it to the ground at the shock of Justin and Team Twerp.
Meanwhile, a bruised and battered Team Rocket is still digging its way towards the surface. "Ugh..... we've been tryin ta make it to da big time... but we've taken our
lumps alond da way." utters and exhausted Meowth. "I wish I could hear a sound of relief after all this digging..", adds James. Then, they hear the roar of the crowd from
just below the surface and they start to change their attitude.
"Hey! We finally made it!", shouts a beaming Jessie. " We'll be in da spotlight and dat guy's pokemon will soon be ours!", adds Meowth. "Wobba-wobbbb!" adds
Wobbuffet out of nowhere. James confirms that even Wobbuffet is psyched to bust up there and grab those pokemon.
"And the fans will have to prepare for trouble"
"And they'll also have to make that double"
"To protect the world from devastation"
"To unite all peoples within our nation"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love"
"To extend our reach to the stars above"
"Jessie"
"James"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light, light, light"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight"
"Wobbuffet", shouts Wobbuffet as Meowth boots it out of the way and finishes the motto, "That's right!....... now let's up dere and get ta work!" This lets James bring up
his ex love and agree at the same time, "Roger!"
James pokes a hole to the surface from where they're standing with his shovel. During this happening Justin has Dragonite regroup and tells it to stop Mew with its blizzard
attack. It fires a blizzard attack from it's mouth (Magic ain't it?) but Mew floats out of the way and the attack conveniently hits the hole that TR just dug and James is
frozen.
"Eeeeeeee! ...... I'm frozen .......... but somehow....... this feels somewhat good.", says James frozen in a block of ice.
Hmmmmm...... make of that what you will....
Lawrence III then has Mew counter with a rock slide attack which it rams into a boulder on the field and sends rocks flying at Dragonite which narrowly miss the sleek
orange dragon. This causes the ground to shake causing TR to panic and lose their footing as the ground below them caves in.
They go through a twisted series of tunnels and slides until they are stopped by a Diglett which James smashes his nads into.
But hey, it's not that big of a deal.... it not like he'll need them to have any kids or anything <snicker>.
Diglett then pops back underground as they continue to slide through the underground labyrinth. They then slide out of this opening well above the ground below and are
launched into the night sky above the stadium as if they were on a coaster.
"Oh, well! At least we'll get the spectacular view we were looking for...." mutters Jessie as they're sent off to a nearby forest. "Wwwwwooooooobbbbbbaaaaaahhhhh", adds
Wobbuffet.
The match inside the stadium continues with Mew getting the upper hand on Dragonite nailing it with a swift attack and a psychic attack. Out of desperation, Justin tries to
have Dragonite escape by diving into the water. It goes in and Lawrence III gives a big smile saying the match is over and it then tells Mew to use an ice beam.
The ice beam is so powerful that is freezes the entire pool with Dragonite inside. Justin and Team Twerp watch on in horror as Lawrence declares victory. "I knew this was
too good to be true." moans a dejected Ash. Justin looks on in discontent as the ref walks over, raises his flag and declares........
..............
............. WAIT! Just as Dragonite was to be counted out, the ice cracks and out comes..................... Superman!!!!!!
<Dragonitemare gets whacked for that bit of corniness>
Sorry........ I mean Dragonite ..... who is seriously pissed off. The entire audience looks on in shock..... even the annoying commentator who just didn't shut up the entire
match. "Wow!", shouts Ash as he gets out Dexter.
"Outrage! Dragonite's special attack.... this is an extremely powerful move that may cause confusion..."
Lawrence III also recognizes the outrage attack as Ash takes out Dexter. Justin.... who isn't the brightest bulb on the planet either despite his intellectual appearance next to
Ash (which means he was just acting normally), utters in shock, "I never knew Dragonite was capable of that."
The announcer screams about the shocking turn of events as Ash & co. are all psyched up again now that Dragonite is okay. "Keep on fighting Justin.... never give up!",
shouts motivational speaker Ash as Justin orders an attack. "Okay Dragonite.... let's give Mew your outrage attack!", and it starts whoopin' Mew all around the field to the
shock of Lawrence.
"I bet Lawrence doesn't feel so invincable now, does he?", laughs Misty while Togepi roars with laughter inside its special Togepi pouch from where it controls its host.
"But how is this possible?! Mew is supposed to be unbeatable!", shouts an uneducated Lawrence. Justin replies, "Don't be foolish! No pokemon... no matter how legendary
they are is invincable! So..... I guess you're going to have to learn that the hard way.
Lawrence III grumbles and then has Mew try an ice beam which Dragonite dodges. Justin then yells at Dragonite to try a blizzard attack.... but it is so outraged, that it
confused itself and won't listen to Justin.
I guess that kinda is what happens to me after I have too many bruskies......
Anyway, Dragonite slams Mew back on its heels sending it crashing to the ground and ending up on its heels. Desperate, Lawrence shouts to Mew to use metronome and a
battered and bruised Mew gets up and starts waving its fingers back and forth to start the metronome.
Ash and co. are in shock up in the stands. "Oh no!", shouts Ash .... as if this affects his very will to live. .............. oh that's right.... he gave away his chance to be in the
finals so he could uphold the honor of the Johto league and garbage like that.
After Ash's unnecessary panic, Misty adds more needless information us smart people already know saying, "Anything could happen with metronome!", as Mew continues
to wave its tiny fingers back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And Justin stands there in confusion unsure of what to do as does Dragonite.
Now what could possibly stop Mew's lethal attack? (besides the fact that it's fatigued and the fact that metronome is often unreliable and the fact that Dragonite could knock
it out while it takes 30 seconds for something to actually happen simply by tapping it lightly on the head and the fact that Mewtwo is its.... you get the idea)
During Mew's attack up in the stands, Togepi gets an idea from Mew and starts up a metronome attack right under the unaware nose of Misty. So now Mew is using a
metronome attack as is Togepi who's hatching an evil plan as I write. The anime camera flashes back and forth between Mew and Togepi..... Mew and Togepi ...... Mew
and Togepi ...... Mew and Togepi.
And then.... as Ash shouts, "NOOOOOOOOOO!", unaware of the real imminent danger that is going on, Justin tries something quick to counter Mew and Lawrence III
when he tells Dragonite to quickly use hyper beam. And it takes a very dramatic few seconds to charge up its hyper beam.
So now the focus quickly switches between Mew, Togepi, and Dragonite. ......Mew ............. Togepi ............... Dragonite..... Mew ...... Togepi ..... Dragonite ....Mew ..
Togepi ... Dragonite Mew! Togepi! Dragonite! Mew! Togepi! Dragonite! ....................... until their attacks are ready....
Justin yells at Dragonite to fire the hyper beam as the arms of Mew and Togepi flash unleashing their devastating attacks. Tracey yells loudly like a Japanese-American with
no accent as Brock yells to everyone, "Brace yourselves!!!!!!!!!" As Pikachu clings tightly to a tense Ash, Togepi laughs an evil laugh, and Prof. Oak and Mrs. Ketchum
clutch each other for dear life. And then......................
..........................
........................... KKKAAAAABBBBLLLLOOOOOOWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
The stadium is almost torn to shreds as the giant explosion knocks away everything in range although none of the spectatators are hurt which is fortunate (except for the fact
that Barbara Streisand is in attendance). Team Twerp coughs and fans themselves of the smoke that emanates from the explosion.
And when the smoke clears..... we see the carnage that has unfolded.....
Lawrence III!! Down! Justin!! Down! Dragonite!! Down! and Mew! .......... Mew is totally bruised and beaten up by the attacks from Dragonite and Togepi but it is
barely....... and I mean BARELY able to stay floating in the air. The ref.... who is somehow not blasted out of his pants..... gets up off the ground and coughs out
Dragonite unable to battle, Mew is the winner.
And with that... the victory is give to Lawrence III making him the Johto League champion. A half unconscious Lawrence faintly looks up hearing the applause and asking,
"............. I.......... won???"
Meanwhile, an equally half-dead Justin limps his way over to Dragonite to see if it's okay. It opens its eyes and gives out a faint roar to let the world know that it isn't dead
and the ref yells out to security that they need help out there ....stat!! (Love medical lingo!) And then he tells them to get Nurse Joy....
Ash & co. gets down to the field and for some reason don't get stopped by the lax security, and they race to Justin to see if he's okay. But they keep back with Nurse Joy
tending to the patient. Brock asks if there is anything he can do to help but Misty screams at him that this isn't the time for flirting...... But Brock corrects the immature
little girl and says that he isn't worried about Nurse Joy at a serious time like this.
You see................ anytime, no matter what the situation, is a good time for flirting.
Team Twerp then rants about how courageous Justin's performance was and what not. And everyone probably thinks that this is heartwarming how they all care for Justin.
Except for one small problem ............ where is his family? They couldn't show up at the biggest event one of their own has ever had?
Well at least Ash would have his family there for him at his big match. After all, he's got his mother, his father, his father's mistress Mrs. Ketchum, his future wife, and
that other guy Tracey.
Brock helps Nurse Joy load Justin on the stretcher (Ugh.... the wrath of that damn egg thingy) and they cart off Lawrence III, Justin, Mew, and Dragonite as Team Twerp
looks on in stunned fashion.
Later that night.... Ash is sitting up in his villa room with Pikachu as he looks out and wonders about how Justin is making out. "Well Pikachu.... it's all over!", says
Ash, "Lawrence earned the win and Justin didn't quite win despite giving it his all.... just like your match Pikachu." He continues, "But I couldn't be any prouder of you
Pikachu..... no matter how far we ended up going in the tournament." Pikachu then responds and looks at its best friend with a coot lil' smile.
<sniff>
Ash's father then comes in and gives him a message... "Hey Ash", yells Prof. Oak as Ash asks what's up, "someone wants to see you outside.", to which Ash and Pikachu
rush outside. They go up to this hilltop overlooking the stadium look around... and then, "Hey Ash!", Justin appears to the relief of Ash.
Now maybe Justin was outside but I think Oaky sent Ash outside so he could be inside with Mrs. Ketchum since the other three were out doing God only knows.
"Justin..... are you alright?", asks Ash even though he sees Justin walking up to him with no trouble or visible blemishes. "I'll be fine.... and so will Dragonite", says
Justin as Ash is relieved that they'll be okay. Justin and Ash then talk for a little while. Justin then mentions that Ash is very courageous which also means, "You're a
tough kid... a little block-headed though, but very cool."
Ash then raves about the way he battled during that match and then adds, "I don't know how I'd ever hold my own in a situation like.... taking on a trainer so vicious as
Lawrence." Justin then responds to Ash not to badmouth Lawrence saying that he won fair and square and Ash backs off about him.
"Hey Ash.... you should sign up for the Kanto league.", says Justin, "I bet you'd go really far in that." Ash asks what it is and Justin replies that it's just like the Indigo
league except it's more advanced. So Ash obviously says he'll enter it since he wants to be a pokemon master.
Ash then asks Justin if he's going into the Kanto league as well. But Justin tells him, "Actually Ash... I'm going start looking around for a school because I'm going to go
to college. I have to get an education, you know." Something that Ash is totally clueless about even though he says he understands and encourages Justin.
He then does the dumbheaded thing of trying to give Justin (a kid that is many years older than him a life lesson saying you should be ambitious of your goals but not to
let them get in the way of your life. He adds that it's the reason why he is going back to Pallet Town to take some time off. Justin then jokes with him saying, "You're
such a tough guy but you need a rest now???!", and after Ash intelligently <sarcasm> mutters and ughs, Justin adds, "Just kidding... take some time and relax." as he gives
Ash a noogie.
A mysterious voice then calls to Ash as they turn around and see a kid with spiky orange hair approaching....
........... spiky ............. orange? .............. hair!!!??? But I thought he was run over???!!!
Fortunately, the kid happens to be Gary and not Richie. (When was the last time you were glad to see Gary?) Gary says he's been looking for Ash and then he approaches
with his Umbreon and they talk. "You know Ash, I knew you were really jealous of me ever since our match back in Pallet. But I wanted to talk to you.... to tell you....
that you that you've really come a long way since then and accomplished a lot in the tournament."
Ash thanks Gary who then adds that he's also gotten much better as well. And they continue to chatter as Pikachu plays with Umbreon although Justin gives a not so
approving look towards Gary. Ash asks Gary what he's going to do after this. Gary is unsure but he tells Ash that he will continue his pokemon journey (and eventually
meet up with his girlfriend). Eventually, Brock, Misty, and Tracey pop up out of nowhere in tye-dye pokemon shirts............. ??????? ........... and tell the trio to hurry up
and get to the stadium so they can receive their awards.
At the stadium, we see Gary get his sweet 16 badge for making it to the final 16. We then see Ash get a final four badge for his accomplishments as Ash's cohorts give a
raucous applause as Togepi roars an evil laugh translated as saying, "I hope you felt a taste of my true powers... mwah-hah-hah!" And then we see Justin pick up his
runner-up trophy as he shakes the Johto president's hands. Honestly though, he didn't really deserve that trophy only getting because Ash gave him that match on a silver
platter.
After Lawrence III receives his championship trophy, the Johto league president, who looks like a 60's hippie, then announces that the tournament will conclude with a
fireworks display. Fireworks then go off as Old Man Oak and Mrs. Ketchum hug dearly as the fireworks go off. "Well... this is certainly a fitting way to end the Johto
league.", says Brock. "It's certainly been a long and wild ride... mostly thanks to Brock." adds Misty as Brock shows a sweat drop and sort of blushes (Hmmm....), Togepi
roars at him, and Tracey gives a hearty laugh.
Watching from a distance, TR is also watching the fireworks as they are hung up on a tree branch as Wobbuffet looks on patiently enjoying the show and wondering what
will happen to TR. "You know what went wrong with our plans in the Johto league?", groans James as Jessie in on top of him bent over and Meowth laying on top of her
ass. "Yeah....", moans Meowth, "Alla ah plans blew up." All this as Wobbuffet can just say "Woooobbbbbbuhhh".
And then we come back to Ash, Justin, Gary, Pikachu, and Umbreon watching the festivities. "You know..... in the end, there aren't anything but winners here",
summarizes Justin being the philisophical source of intelligence that he is. "It's been fun guys", says Ash towards Justin and Gary, "I hope we all meet up again!", as Justin
and Gary Mm-hmm in agreement.
We are then taken to a scene where Ash and Pikachu are inside the stadium which is now desolate and dark. (How could he see in there???) "Well Pikachu.... it's about time
to say good-bye to the Johto league." He then talks to Pikachu about how how neat and cool Johto was (which fellow dodgers will readily agree to be true). He also tells
Pikachu about the great new friends that he made (we'd like to think of them as Totodile, Mickey, and hell... even Wobbuffet).
Misty and Brock then look on from a distance while Togepi frumps that it couldn't shatter the brick-headed boy's spirit. Misty then tells Brock is a cute manner, "You
know, the Johto league was surely different for all of us." Brock nods and adds, "And Johto has certainly made us all different... at least a little bit."
And Johto has changed us all too as it has (for the most part) solidified our dodgy beliefs and has given us new ones. Pikachu then pikas as he and Ash look up at the night
sky as the Pokemon Johto theme plays as we view some of the dodgiest moments of Pokemon Johto (Because I said so damnit!)
Dodgy moments like the Bulba-blowjob and James's Moltres appearance appear in the flashback as we say good bye to Johto.
But dodgers, this is only the beginning.... for next time, we will start to say hello to an all new series..... an all new heroine ........ a new trio of dodgy heroes ......... brand
new dodgy storylines ...... and the same old TR ...... and the same old domination obsessed Togepi who proved its superpowers to both Mew and Dragonite. Hang on
folks.... because a brand new sensation is on its way.....!
Now go to bed..... it's way past your bedtime!
To Be Continued