EPISODE II-SHADOWS OF THE BARNEY

James and Missy Elliot were on some strange set, readying themselves to film their music video, singing their latest song, “Fat, Black Heifer in Japan” on her latest album, Sex, Fries, and BubbleTape.  James was wearing a Burger King uniform and an inner tube and Missy Elliot wore some kind of costume that looked like inflated garbage bags sprayed with cooking oil.  The video started off with some hardcore black dudes smoking weed in the corner of a local McDonalds.
“Man, ‘dis ain’t beef in ‘dis mothaf!@#in burger!!!  This is some o’ dat sushi sh!@!!!”
James ripped out his uniform, revealing a beautiful, see-through negligeé and packing a Magnum.  He then pistol whipped them to death and started rapping.

I’m the real Jim Shady!!!
Not a punk like Slim Shady!!!
My producer’s not a guy named Dr. Dre.
Who used to wear lipstick and pumps way back in the day. (A/N A fact, by the way...)
Acting real hypergay!!!
Puff Daddy’s my man, he’s obsessed with chairs
All his bodyguards need a dose of Medicare
Jennifer Lopez sucks and just can't sing
The only reason she got a record deal was for squeaking Puff Daddy's bedsprings!!!
(insert scene w/Jennifer Lopez hopping on a Serta PerfectSleeper in a thong with a tattoo on her big butt labeled,"Easy Access".)
He teamed me up with hefty ass Missy, oh man!!!
A fat, black heifer in Japan!!!

A mob of Sushi chefs with submachine guns and knives accompanied by half-naked black women were singing the chorus:
There ain’t no such things as halfway chefs!!!
They’re scared o’ death, they’re scared to cook!!!  They shook!!! (Repeat 2 or 3 times)

Missy Elliot starts inflating her garbage bag suit, chows down on some Big Macs, hugs James and gives him a huge lick across the face.  James yells,“JESSIE!!!” as Missy Elliot starts her half of the rap.

Burgers, French Fries, Milkshakes!!!
When I’m on the fast food attack
My feet cause miniature earthquakes!!! (insert scene with geologist w/ a Richter scale measuring the quakes, while wearing a thong bikini...)
So lay yo’ ass way back.
Over 1 billion served was McDonalds’ old motto
After I was born, it was like they won the lotto!!!
MVP, Most Valuable Platecleana!!!
Chomping value meals from Maine to South Caroleena
Yes, it’s me, Missy Elliot, but call me “Misdemeana”!!!
RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHH...YEAH...YEAH!!!
New York...Big Apple!!!  Get ready for digestion!!!  Brooklyn...all the foods in danger, ain’t no question...
Mothaf!@#a!!!....Queens...hardcore chefs!!!  I ain’t fo’get you niggas!!!  Mad calories!!!...YEAH!!!

Out of nowhere, two ninja warriors jumped from the grill and started moving their lips to dubs that didn’t match their voices, “Hey you!!!  You be hefty ho who ate our master’s rice balls!!!  You shall pay for your dishonor!”
James screamed, “HELP ME!!!” as Missy Elliot kept hugging him while scarfing down some fries and also started moving her lips to a bad dub, “YOUR SENSEI HAS THE TASTIEST BALLS IN TOWN!!!  BUT PREPARE TO DIE, NINJA, TO MY SUPERIOR FIGHTING TECHNIQUE!!!  I CALL IT “KUNG-FOOD”!!!  HIYAAAAA!!!!!  CHOMP!!!”
“JEEEEESSSSSSSIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!”
The director yelled, "Cut!!!  That's a wrap!!!  HEY!!!  This crazy bitch is trying to tear my clothes off!!!  Get Jennifer Lopez back in her cage!!!  AAAAHH!!!"

Back in Viridian City Team Rocket HQ, our old friend Giovanni is reaping the fruits of his cloning experiments.  The balding don is watching the hatch open as a small baby slowly appears before him.
“Aww, isn’t Britney cute, Persian?  Kinda reminds me of the Olsen Twins before they hit puberty.”
“PURR...BLECCH!!!”
One of Giovanni’s henchmen walk in, “Sir, can I get you anything?”
“Yes, send Martha Stewart over!!!  I need her to help me raise Britney Spears II!!!  And bring me that breast-feeding simulation vest I bought!!!”
(A/N The rumors are true!!!  Martha Stewart works for organized crime, and Giovanni has strange mammary yearnings!!!)
Baby Britney started opening her mouth and attempted to say her first word, “P...p...p...”
Giovanni started acting weird and a started emitting a strange fatherly glow, “Ooooh, look Persian!!!  She's trying to talk!!!  Coochie-coochie coo!!!  Say something for Daddy Gio!!!  Say papa!!!”
“P...p...p...p...penis!!!  PENIS!!!”
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ash and crew ran to a hidden hanger as the Rebels launched several Snowspeeders to fight off the Team Rocket Imperial Walkers.  Misty was curious as to where they were going.
“Ash!!!  Are you nuts!!!  You must be crazy if you’re going to fight those things out there!!!”
“Don’t worry, Misty!!!  Me an’ Jigglypuff have an ace up our sleeves!!!  We’ve been working on it for weeks!!!”
Ash flicked on the switch to the hangar, revealing a huge, pink spacecraft, shaped like a pancake but had two little ears and a curl of pink hair on top, and armed with twin fusion lasers, six gatling guns, four rocket bays, and was capable of traveling at light speed.
“Whaddya think, Misty?!  We call it...THE MILLENIUM PUFFER!!!  We modified the old Puffmobile a bit.”
An impressed Misty started drooling and clutched Ash by the vest, “I WANNA HAVE YOUR CHILDREN!!!”
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!”

We interrupt Jiminem for an important news bulletin!!!  Barney the Purple Dinosaur, Sailor MiniMoon, and Pesasus are rampaging throughout what remains of Tokyo!!!

“I love you!!!  You love me!!!  Being supergay is the job for me!!!  My dinosaur nuts are really purple too!!!  Won’t you say you’ll kiss ‘em too!!!  Uh-hoho!!!  Uh-hoho-hoho!!!” Barney giggled as he hugged Japanese soldiers to death with Rini while Pegasus continued blasting away buildings with his atomic farts.
“AWW WILBUR!!!  THE BULLS WERE HORNY!!!  THEY NEEDED SOME GOOD HORSOSEXUAL LOVIN'!!!”

Elsewhere, while the world’s coming to an end, the legendary airhead with a good heart, Serena (Sailor Moon) was still back home crying her eyes out and throwing stuff at Darien, “How could you, Darien?!  How could you do a gay porn tape with Prince Diamond and Nephlite?!”
“IT WASN’T ME!!!  THAT WAS PRINCE VAN FROM ESCAFLOWNE!!!  DIDN’T YOU NOTICE THE FREAKIN’ WINGS???  I WAS FRAMED!!!”
“Didn’t you used to go out with a guy, Darien?!”
“...gulp!...”

Speaking of Escaflowne...back in Gaea...

Allen Schezar (A/N Sorry, Allen fans.  I have a thing against long-haired wussies) was sitting in front of a TV back in his castle hugging a Barney doll, and getting ready to watch his favorite show (yep, you guessed it) Barney and the Backyard Gang.
“What noble and powerful truths shall ye speak of today, o wise Barney?  HITOMI!!!  BRING ME MY CHUNKY SOUP!!!”
Hitomi waddled in, pregnant with their 12th wuss baby, “Grrrr...those damn Tarot cards didn’t predict this s!#%!!!  Here’s your goddamn chunky soup, you wuss!!!”
“O Barney...speak thou words and bring enlightenment to us all!!!  Thy ass is ye light of our world!!!”
Barney came on the TV screen, “Hello boys and girls!!!  Today we’re gonna talk about...THE APOCALYPSE!!!” after which he started some weird incantations which involved some Lambada dancing and ass-rubbing, but since Barney’s arms are incapable of reaching his ass, the little boys and girls of the Backyard Gang had to help on that one, “GAKUKU TAMBO DAFA ENTUBO SNAUSAGES MO MEOW MIX!!!  SUMMON THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF DESTRUCTION!!!  UH-HOHO!!!”
Allen’s eyes started glowing and he hijacked Van’s Escaflowne, making his way towards Tokyo.

Hmm...now to make things a bit more interesting...back in the Digimon World!!!

“Man this sucks!!!  Now that some other punk is the digidestined, I’m stuck working in this craphole!!!” Tai grumbled as he, Agumon and Sora were flipping burgers at a strip dive near the beach called Nudemon (pronounced NU-DAY-MON).  Agumon had taken the job as a striptease dancer while Tai maintained the bar with Sora.
Monsters from both Pokemon and Digimon, plus a few old ladies and some gay dudes were in the audience howling, “Take it off, Agumon!!!  Shake that tail!!!” while Agumon danced to RuPaul's "Supermodel" wearing a black bikini with dollar bills hanging on the edges.
A drunken T.K. was about to pass out, but not before accidentally flipping the bar’s TV over to (yep, you guessed it) Barney and the Backyard Gang, right in time for Barney’s ass-rubbing ritual dance.
“Hey, that’s rather sensually arousing for a kids show,” Tai said as the whole bar ignored Agumon and checked out the boys and girls rubbing Barney’s ass as he chanted,“GAKUKU TAMBO DAFA ENTUBO SNAUSAGES MO MEOW MIX!!!  SUMMON THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF DESTRUCTION!!!  UH-HOHO!!!  KEEP RUBBING MY ASS, JUDY!!!”
“Yes, Barney!!!”
Tai’s eyes started glowing and he ran out, headed towards Tokyo, with Sora and Agumon in a bikini following in curiosity.

And now, back to Jiminem!!!

Mondo and his Imperial Walkers are rampaging across the snow, pounding heavily in Ash’s forces.  The snowspeeder crew was getting their ass kicked, and Tracey’s ground troops, which called themselves the Rainbow Warriors, for some reason, weren’t taking well to their jobs as Rebel soldiers.
“DAMN PRESIDENT CLINTON AND HIS “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL” POLICY!!!” Tracey barked.
One of his troops called out, “Tracey-kins?!  How do you work this big gun?!”
“GRRR...YOU HAVE TO STUFF THE BIG PIPE WITH A LOAD!!!”
“Ohh...Tracey...you’re so fresh...and sexy...”
“I AM NOT GAY!!!  LOOK AT MY SKETCHBOOKS!!!” Tracey yelled as he flashed his sketchbooks to them.
“Ewww...naked girls?!  Why would you draw those?!”
“GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Mondo sneered, “Hah, this just proves gays can’t serve in the military!  Where’s Ash?!”
Out of nowhere, a flurry of pink sub-atomic rockets tipped with Jigglypuff-shaped warheads hurtled towards Mondo’s forces, blowing away half of his walkers.
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”
“You called, Mondo?!  We’re here!!!” Ash transmitted back, “Jigglypuff, do the war cry!!!”
“JIIIGGGGLLLLLLYYYYYYyyyyyyyy........PUFF!!!”
Mondo clutched his Sailor Jupiter doll in fear, “Come on, you guys!!!  Blast that pink thingie to junk!!!”
The Millenium Puffer dodged their blasts with ease.  Before Ash ever became a pokemon trainer, he was Pallet Town Arcade’s legendary champ.  That’s why Gary’s sister May, a notorious girlgamer, had a thing for the spiky-haired pimp.  Ash occasionally remembered May and went into trances and, unfortunately for Jigglypuff, he became temporarily mesmerized, “May...you had the nicest booty...”
“JIGGLY-JIGGLYPUFF!!! (ASH!!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!!  WHAT WOULD MISTY SAY?!)”
“WAAAHH!!!  Err, yes!!!  Misty is my girlfriend!!!  She has better boobs and a cuter butt!!!”
“Jiggly-jigglypoo puff puff (That I didn’t wanna hear...)”
Mondo seizing the opportunity, shot a laser, almost hitting the Millenium Puffer, but missed, hitting Jigglypuff’s mike out of her hand.  That was something Mondo shouldn’t’ve done, “Hah!!!  How ya like me now?!”
The old Jigglypuff hath returned, “YOUUU SON OF A MOTHERLESS MILTANK!!!!!  YOU DESTROYED ME MIKE!!!  YOU WEEL PAY FOR YOOR CRIMES, YOU !@#$%!%@%*$ DOLL-HUMPING PANSY!!!
Jigglypuff pressed the big red button in front of her, and activated the ultimate weapon of the Millenium Puffer.  It was a modified micro-Death Star shaped like Jigglypuff.  It opened its smiling mouth and...

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” Mondo shrieked as he clutched his prized Sailor Jupiter doll.
KKKKKKKAAAAAAAAASSSHHOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM.........BLAAAAMMMMMM!!!!!!!
And so our triumphant heroes flew towards Tokyo, with Ash recomposing himself after his lustful May trance, and Jigglypuff laughing like a madman as bits and sub-atomic pieces of Mondo reddened the snow of Siberia.
“MERRY CHREESTMAS, MOTHERFREAKER!!!!!!!!!!   HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!”
Ash sighed, “She’s baaaaaack!!!"