EPISODE III-THE CLONE WARS

Jessie, Misty, Pikachu and Togepi finally arrived in Tokyo, shocked by the destruction and hordes of dead soldiers in Tokyo.
There was a long silence, until Jessie asked Misty a question with ulterior motives in mind,“Umm, Misty?  Were you serious when you told Ash you wanted to have his children?!”
“Yeah, but I don’t mean now!!!  We aren’t even out of our pubes and still don't know about real, adult love yet!!!”
Jessie grabbed Misty by the shoulders, “ARE YOU NUTS!!!  HOW YOU COULD YOU EVEN BE CONSIDERING HAVING KIDS AT YOUR AGE!!!  THAT’S IT!!!  IT’S TIME YOU KNEW ABOUT THE TRUE SECRET OF THE VIRGINITY OF ANIME CHARACTERS!!!”
Misty sweatdropped, “Wha..?!  What’re you talking about?!  WAITAMINIT!!!  YOU MEAN, YOU’VE NEVER...?  NOT EVEN WITH JAMES???!!!”
Jessie blushed, “OF COURSE NOT!!!  I’M ON A CARTOON SHOW!!!  I HAVE TO SET AN EXAMPLE AND NOW IT’S TIME YOU ARE TAUGHT THE SECRET THAT ALL ANIME WOMEN SHARE!!!”
(insert any background music from feminine product commercials, excluding Depends...yucky!!!)
Jessie blows a harmonica and then recites a jingle,

You see, when girls like you get older
And your vagina wants to get bolder
Your boyfriend testicles start to click
And his brains go down to his d!#%

You need a...CHASTITY BELT!!!
A CHASTITY BELT!!!
To keep you from getting knocked up!!!
To prevent any penis
From entering a Venus
A CHASTITY BELT WORKS FINE!!!

“What’re you talking about?!  I don’t need a chastity belt!!!  Don’t you trust me to be chaste until me and Ash are old and responsible enough to hump like hungry bunnies and bless the world with our dense, grumpy offspring?!” Misty responded innocently.
Jessie shuddered at the thought of Ash and Misty’s children, “NO!!!  YOU’RE GETTING A CHASTITY BELT!!!”
“NO WAY!!!  Besides, how are ya gonna buy me one if all the stores here are already destroyed?!”
“No sweat, Misty!  I always carry a spare!!!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Pikachu and Togepi are also coming out of the escape cruiser, and talking in pokespeak,
“Togepi, you seemed troubled.”
“Pikachu, Mommy said she wanted to have kids with Ash, but there’s one problem.”
“Let me guess.  Once they have kids, you feel afraid they are going to ignore you to fulfill the needs of *shudder* their dense, grumpy offspring,” Pikachu said.
“NO!!!  I DON’T THINK ASH IS PRODUCING THE BABY JUICE YET!!!”
Pikachu gasps, “YOU’RE RIGHT!!!  ASH TOLD ME ABOUT A WET DREAM HE HAD ABOUT MAY ONCE, BUT TOLD ME WHEN HE WOKE UP, THERE WASN’T ANY CREAM IN THE PUDDING!!!”
“Whaddya mean, Pikachu?!”
“THE HORNY FISHIES AREN’T COMING OUT OF THE WHITE LAKE OF MANHOOD!!!”
“AAAAHHHHH!!!!  WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, PIKACHU!!!”
“Gee, I don’t know...” Pikachu said, holding a claw to his chin.
Magically, the author snaps his fingers, and BILL CLINTON RIDING A HUGE RUBBER PENIS WITH WINGS appears before the two pokemon!!!

SHAMELESS PLUG WARNING!!! (Country music plays in the background)

"YEEEEEEEE-HAAAWWWWWWWW!!!  IT’S ME, YOUR EX-PRESIDENT, BILL CLINTON, HERE TO SHOW YOU MY NEW INVENTION AND LATEST PRODUCT!!!  I CALL IT “FARMER BUBBA’S MAXOSTRENGTH TESTOSTERONE PILLS!!!  These little buggers are guaranteed to get your fledgeling little glands pumping out those manly hormones like no other hormone pills on the market!!!
Pikachu asked Bill, “Umm, are those safe and compliant with the FDA?!”
“Yeehaw!!!  Farmer Bubba’s Maxostrength Testosterone Pills are all natural and made with the safest and most potent ingredients!”
Togepi grabbed a bottle of pills and read aloud the ingredients, “Viagra, Ginseng, African Yohimbe Bark, Mandingo Root, Cocaine Extract, Tabasco Sauce, and Yellow Pigment No. 5?!”
Bill Clinton sweatdropped, “Err, yes!!!  Safe!!!  Now let’s listen to the words of some our satisfied customers!!!”
A TV appears out of thin air and shows a wrestling ring, “Hi, my name’s Chyna from the WWF!!!  Farmer Bubba’s Pills not only give me the strength to bend steel bars with my pinkie toe, but they help me grow the pubic hairs I’ve always wanted!!!”
Clinton changes the channel to a familiar-looking lab filled with lots of cute women doing aerobics, “Hi, I’m Professor Samuel Oak!!!  Farmer Bubba’s Pills not only put the “oak”  back in Professor Oak, I’ve started sexually stimulating TAE-BOAK® classes with all the ladies in Pallet Town!!!  Thanks Bill Clinton!!!”
Bill Clinton hands Pikachu the bottle, “Here ya’ go Pikadude!!!  Here’s a free sample bottle!!!  Give that to your sexually sterile trainer and watch his d!$% and balls grow like the economy!!!”
Togepi thought, “So that’s what he’s doing after he leaves office...”
Pikachu cried, “Thank you, Bill Clinton!!!”
And so Farmer Bubba, AKA Bill Clinton rode away with his flying rubber penis into the sky as an announcer’s voice ended the plug, “FARMER BUBBA’S MAXOSTRENGTH TESTOSTERONE PILLS!!!  Warning: Not intended for sale to minors.  Do not use before testifying in front of a grand jury.  Perjury and possible jail time may result.”

Ash and Jigglypuff have made their way to the outskirts of Tokyo.  The two spot Misty’s getaway cruiser, land next to it, and get out to meet their friends.

AAM-ROMANTIC, HEARTFELT REUNION WARNING!!!  MUSHY MOMENT AHEAD!!!

“Ash!!!”
“Misty!!!”
“Ash!!!”
“Misty!!!”
“Ash!!!”
“Misty!!!”
The two run up to hug each other and look deeply into each other eyes, “Nothing can ruin this moment, my carrot-topped, little underaged sexpot!!!”
“Hold me tight, my raven-haired, semi-adolescent object of animal lust!!!”
Jessie, Jigglypuff, Pikachu, and Togepi are on their knees, holding in the nausea.
Jessie murmurs, “Author!!!  Do something to stop them!!!”
(A/N Don’t blame me!!!  Fanfiction.net’s Pokemon section is saturated with cheesy, senseless romances!!!  It’s been a while since someone posted something decent and realistic to be influenced by!!!  I should talk...)

Out of nowhere, the oh-so-sexy Sailor Mars frantically runs over some rubble and runs into Ash and Misty, knocking them apart.
Ash and Misty grew big heads and yell at her simultaneously,”YOU RUINED OUR SEXUALLY AROUSING HEARTFELT MOMENT YOUUU....HUH?!  SAILOR MARS!!!”
Sailor Mars yelled crazily,“GUYS!!!  You have to get out of here!!!  Barney is bringing about the end of the world!!!  Sailor MiniMoon and Pegasus, Allen Schezar in an Escaflowne, and Tai with Agumon are wreaking havoc in the center of Tokyo!!!  I’m the only one who survived the attack!!!  LEAVE WHILE YOU CAN!!!”
Misty gasped while Ash, as usual during hopeless, no-win situations makes the obligatory gung-ho speech, “WE CAN’T LEAVE HERE!!!  EVERYONE LISTEN UP!!!  WE HAVE TO STOP THEM OR THE WORLD WILL COME TO AN END!!!  THERE’S NO WAY I’M LETTING THAT HAPPEN!!! ARE YA’ WITH ME???!!!”
Like magic, everyone was inspired enough by Ash to say, “WE’RE OUTTA HERE!!!”
“WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” Ash facefaults, but not before a certain purple dinosaur’s shadow loomed above them all, “UH-HOHO!!!  Look what we have here!!!  We have new playmates here for our show!!!  I recognize you!  You’re Ass Catcher from that show, Pokin’Men!!!”
Misty hits Ash on the head, shocked by what she was seeing, “ASH!!!  What is that thing?!”
“Gee, is that a pokemon?!” Ash said, pulling out his pokedex.
“Barney.  The purple dinosaur pokemon.  It has the power to turn young, developing brains into Eskimo slush, drive adults financially broke and homicidally insane with the hypnotic marketing power of its swollen bottom jaw and oversized ass.  This dinosaur’s sheer stupidity and retardedness is both magnanimous and legendary and should be approached with extreme caution.  Can become invincible in the company of its co-stars.”
“Be careful, Ash!!!  If the pokedex is right, your brain might be turned to slush!!!” Misty yelled.
"You're right, Misty...hmm...JIGGLYPUFF!!!  You wanna wreck shop on Barney in my place?!"
Jigglypuff got herself ready, "AH'VE BEEN WAITEENG TO KEEK SOMEBODY'S ASSS FOR ME MIKE, AND SINCE MONDO EES DEAD, YOOR GONNA HAVE TO DO!!!  PREPARE TO GET YEER ARSE WHOOPED, YOU POOR EXCUSE FOR A CHARIZARD!!!"
Barney got pissed,"Uh-hoho!!!  How dare you skip out on our fight, Ass!!!  And for that, I have another surprise in store!!!"  Barney snaps his fingers and Tai, Agumon, and Sora magically teleport in front of them.

“There you are, Ash Ketchum!!!  I’ve been looking for you!!!”
“Who’re you?!  You look kinda familiar.  Waitaminit!  You’re that kid from uhh...Dickimon!!!  You’re name’s Genki, right?!”
“YOU SCRUFFY PUNK!!!  MY NAME’S NOT GENKI!!!  I AM TAI OF THE DIGIDESTINED, STAR OF DIGIMON!!!  AND I CHALLENGE YOU, ASH KETCHUM, TO PROVE WHO IS THE BETTER MONSTER TRAINER, AND THE REAL POCKET MONSTER FRANCHISE SUPERSTAR!!!  WE CAME BEFORE YOU, YOU RIPOFF!!!”
Ash yelled angrily,“WHADDYA MEAN, RIPOFF!!!  WE’RE THE REAL POCKET MONSTER FRANCHISE!!!  THE CLOSEST YOU EVER GOT TO POKEMON WERE CHEESY LITTLE KEYCHAINS AND A CRAP PLAYSTATION GAME!!!  THE POKEMON GAME SERIES IS CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED AND HAS SOLD MILLIONS WORLDWIDE!!!  WE EVEN OUTSOLD FINAL FANTASY 7 WHEN IT FIRST CAME OUT!!!”
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Digimon came before you!!!”
“Maybe it did, but the Digimon franchise is as worthless as Sega!!!”
“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!  YOU BASTARD!!!  HOW DARE YOU COMPARE DIGIMON TO SEGA!!!”
“Can you say, “Sonic”?!”
“THAT’S IT!!!  I CHALLENGE YOU TO A THREE ROUND MATCH, A BATTLE OF STYLE, WITS, AND STRENGTH!!!
Before Misty could protest, Ash yelled, "YOU'RE ON!!!"
Sora came up behind Tai, “TAI!!!  Now’s not the time to pick fights!  I left Matt in charge of the strip bar!!!”
Agumon chimed in, "Uh-oh.  The last time Matt was in charge of the bar, we found Myotismon and the Digimon Emperor doing gay gogo-dancing on the pool table!!!"
Tai yelled, "I DON'T CARE ABOUT MATT'S HOMOSEXUAL EXPLOITS!!!  THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE TEARING ME AWAY FROM THE ULTIMATE BATTLE OF MY DREAMS!!!"

Strangely enough, both Jigglypuff and Barney floated into the air and started glowing yellow from summoning chi, and strange Dragonball Z-like music started playing in the background.  Jigglypuff's curl of pink hair grew long and got yellow and spiky all of a sudden, "I'VE ACHEEVED SUPER SAIYAPUFF LEVEL 4, BARNEY!!!  IF YOU'VE EVER SAT THROO ANY OF ZE DRAGONBALL Z SAGAS, YOU KNOW OUR EEMPENDING BATTLE WEEL LAST ABOWT 37 HALF-HOUR EPISODES, GEEVE OR TAKE 10!!!  THAT IS HOW ZE WRITERS OF ZE SHOW MAKE UP FOR A LACK OF A COHERENT STORYLINE!!!"
Barney groaned, "AWW SH!@$%"

Ash with Pikachu, and Tai with Agumon faced off.  Tumbleweeds rustled across the cracked street they stood on.  Meanwhile, Misty, holding Togepi, and Sora sat on the sidelines and jabbered.
"Why do boys always have to settle their arguments by fighting?!" Sora asked.
"Umm, this fic'd be pretty boring if Ash and Tai settled their dispute by having a slumber party, right?" Misty said.
"Actually, that'd be pretty funny!" Sora giggled.  Misty found herself giggling too, but snapped back into her senses.
"C'MON ASH!!!  BEAT 'EM UP LIKE YOU DID WITH DANNY AND RUDY!!!"

Elsewhere, back on the Orange Islands...at a vacation house on a very small, isolated island...
Danny and Rudy are getting drunk off Nestea and say simultaneously, "Does anyone out there care about us?!"
"...*hic*...there was that Nisty err... Misty girl...heh-heh..." Danny burped.
"...you...*burp* child-molestin' beachcomber!!!  Fisty UnDeflowered *hic* wasn't even close to your age!!!..." Rudy hiccuped.
"...*hic* at least I didn't get dumped for that semi-retarded victim of a blind, epileptic barber...*burp* CrAsh BandiKetchum!!!" Danny giggled.
Somewhere in the world, a magic red button was pressed by a mysterious person whose name is not known, and Rudy and Danny looked up at the sky.
"...hey whaa's that thing, Rooooooody!"
"...*hic* a...mmmmissile...with a megaton nuclear payload.  Hey, Mr. Nuclear Missile!!!  Wan' some...*burp* Nesteeaaa???????!!!!!!!!!"
KOOWWWW-....-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

Ash, still with Tai, gritted his teeth and clenched his fists.  Pikachu, still with Agumon, set his cute, yet fiery gaze towards his opponent.
Ash grumbled,"What's the conditions for this three-round match, Tai?!"
"We'll have to wait next episode, when the author gives a crap enough to continue.  Until then, we have to strike fighting poses and procrastinate like we're on Dragonball Z or something!!!" Tai answered.
"Right!!!"

Jessie looked on and sighed," This is supposed to be Jiminem!!!  What happened to the original purpose of this fic to find James???!!!"
(A/N Sorry, got tied up with schoolwork!!!  Don’t worry!!!  James won’t get sexually harassed by Mariah Carey until the next episode, Jess!)
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT???!!!”
(A/N Oops, did that slip?!)