EPISODE IV: A RETARDED HOPE

Gary sat on a small hill outside Pallet Town.  Prof. Oak had kicked him out of the house, since he was so particular about teaching TAE-BOAK® with his female pupils alone.  He looked upon the moon, and all he could think about was...Ash.
“Ashy-poo...you never knew how I felt about you.  Huh?!  What am I thinking about?!  I can’t possibly be...gay?!”
Weird, oversensitive music started playing in the background as Gary pondered his sexuality and lip synched to a voice that sounded kinda like George Michael (HELLO, MY LITTLE BOYS!!!)...

Out here in the quiet of the night.
Beneath the stars... and the moon.
I know I'm gettin’ quite horny.
I won't admit it, but it's true.

You yell at me, I look away.

Chorus:
Those cheerleaders want to do me, but I don't know how to start.
I’ve played WCW/NWO Revenge, it’s like gay porn!  It just breaks my heart.
Oh, why should Pallet jailbait ever be so hard to screw?
I wanna tell you that I’m light-speed gay,
And to say that, I wuv you.

I practice masturbation, I could say,
Jerk by jerk, every squirt.
I tell myself today could be the day.
But everytime I lose my shirt...to a guy...

I blow you a kiss, you start to throw up.

Repeat Chorus

Why,  why do you turn away?
It must be, you’re gay like me.
Either that or Palletshippers pretend that I
Have a chance of humping you.
Can't you see?

Gary sat up, “Just wait and see, Ashy!!!  You belong to me and you will soon fondle my hairy bootycheeks!!!”

Oooooookay...back to Tokyo...

“WELCOME TO WWF IN YOUR NUTS!!!  HELLO EVERYONE!!!  I’M J.R. AND WE’RE BRINGING TO YOU LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW, FROM THE POST-APOCALYPTIC RUINS OF TOKYO, TONIGHT’S MAIN EVENT, EVERYONE’S FAVORITE POKEMON TRAINER FROM PALLET TOWN, ASH KETCHUM VS. TAI FROM THE HIT SHOW DIGIMON, IN A NO-HOLDS-BARRED TRAINER-MONSTER MATCH WE CALL “THE WAR OF THE “MONS”!!!”
“J.R., you fat sonuvabitch!!!  How ‘ya doin?!”
“Whoa, and joinin’ us tonight, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!!!  Give us a few comments on tonight’s match!”
Stone Cold growled,“Usually I don’t go with the underdog, but tonight I’m puttin’ my money on Ash!!!  He may have some handicaps like his attitude and thick skull, but if ya’ think about it, those are the same traits I got!!!  Ash all the way!!!”
Misty was at ringside, struggling to get rid of the chastity belt.  After banging away at it with a hammer, trying to burn it off with a welding torch, and even trying to pull it off with the Millenium Puffer all she could say was, “Pikachu!!!  Thundershock me in the crotch!!!  Dammit!!!”
Pikachu scratched his head as Jessie snickered, “No matter how hard you try, the chastity belt you will never pry!!!  Hah!!!”
“Agumon, you’re up!!!” Tai yelled.
“Pikachu, Squirtle, Bulbasaur, Chikorita, Heracross, Snorlax!!!  I choose all of you!!!”
Tai and Agumon sweatdropped, “HEY, THAT’S NOT FAIR!!!  YOU’RE USING MORE THAN ONE MONSTER!!!”
“This is supposed to be a battle of wits, Tai!!!  In Pokemon, we can carry up to six pokemon, which is more than Digimon lets you carry!!!  Hah!!!”
Sora yelled, “I think he’s got ya there, Tai!!!”
Misty was still attempting to free herself from the chastity belt, “Togepi!!!  Use your metronome!!!  Dammit!!!”
Tai growled and clutched his digivice, “GRRRRRR!!!!!  If you want to play that way...AUTHOR!!!  CUE UP THE ANNOYING DIGIMON THEME MUSIC!!!”
“Di..di...di...Digimon...Digimon...Digimon...DIGIMON!!!  DIGITAL HOMOS!!!  DIGIMON ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!!!  CHANGE INTO DIGITAL DRAG QUEENS TO RIPOFF THE POKEMON WORLD!!!!  AGUMON DIGIVOLVED TOOOOOOOOO.....METALGREYMON!!!  THE GENTLE ASS OF POWER!!!”
All Ash and his pokemon could do was, “Gulp!”
“SEND ‘EM TO THE FIERY ARMPITS OF HELL, METALGREYMON!!!  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Meanwhile, as Ash and his pokemon are getting chased by Metalgreymon across the streets Tokyo and narrowly dodging his mini-nuclear missiles, Jigglypuff and Barney are still floating in the air gathering chi, striking fighting poses, and procrastinating like if they were on Dragonball Z.
“YOU STEEL HAVEN’T EXPLAINED YOOR MASTER PLAN, BARNEE!!!  EITHER TELL USS KNOW OR I WEEL KEEK ZE PURPLE SH!%# OUT OF YOO?!” Jigglypuff growled.
“UH-HOHO!!!.........EVER SINCE POKEMON CAME ON THE AIR, MY SHOW’S RATINGS HAVE TANKED!!!  I’M PLANNING THE ULTIMATE END OF THE WORLD, UH-HOHO, BY STARTING MY OWN ANIME!!!”
Barney summons a TV and a promo for his anime show appears...
“GOTTA JERK ‘EM OFF!!!  GOTTA JERK’ EM OFF!!!  BARNE´MON!!!”
Barney, Baby Bop, and a hobo with no eyes were strolling down the woods, “Uh-hoho!!!  I want to be Barney best, uh-hoho, that no one ever was!!!  To catch kids is my real test, to brainwash them is my cause, uh-hoho!!!”
Barney, dressed strangely like Ash, called out a pocket monster, “GO, SEXACHU!!!  UH-HOHO!!!”
A weird monster that looked like Pikachu, except it was pink and had two-blown up condoms for ears.
“Uh-hoho, Sexachu!!!  Thunderf!#% attack!!”
The promo ended with the nastiest orgy involving Barney, Baby Bop, Judy, BJ and *gulp* Sexachu.
Jigglypuff clutched his head in horror, “OH MY GOD!!!  THAT DEESGUSTING CRAP WILL WARP CHILDRENS’ BRAINS EVEN MORE THAN ONE FULL SEASON OF CYBER SIX!!!  ASH, HURRY UP!!!  DEES BASTARD’S EENSANE!!!!”

Jessie looks upon the madness and sighs, but quickly notices a familiar figure appearing in the distance.  He had spiky hair and no eyes, “BROCK!!!  What’s he doing...WITH AN OFFICER JENNY AND NURSE JOY ON EACH ARM?!?!”
Brock laughed like a maniac and spoke in a deep voice, “I have mastered the pimpdaddy arts, aww baby, but now I must face the final challenge of the Pimpawan...Where is the one who is called the wuss from Gaea?!  Show ye self thou ultimate wussmonster, violator of Van’s true wife!!!  Show ye self, Allen Jizz-ar!!!”
“IT’S SCHEZAR!!!  ALLEN SCHEZAR, SPOCK!!!”
“IT’S BROCK, YOU BANANA-EATING PANSIE!!!  My master says to become a true Deadeye knight, I must defeat the Dark Lord of Sh*, I mean “Sith”!!!  You have fallen to powers of the Fag Side!!!”
Out of nowhere, the oh-so-sexy Sailor Mars jumps next to Brock and strikes a fighting pose, “The eyeless kid is right!!!  Prepare to meet your match, sissy-boy!!!  Huh?!  What’s wrong?!  Hey, snap out of it, Mr. Brock!!!”
“Pretty...”, was all our young Pimpawan could drool out.
Jessie, running back to Misty at ringside, wonders, “I wonder how James is doing?!”

James, after narrowly surviving getting eaten by Missy Elliot, was thrown into yet another studio and held victim by yet another despised pop icon.  He was forcibly dressed in a sailor outfit and tied to the mast of a pink boat called the S.S. DoMariah.  Strangely enough, the boat was laced with condoms and waterbeds with at least two guys in each of them.  Our hero was only briefed he would be doing a song with Mariah Carey, but little did he know, they would be doing the video to her latest song, Easy Ridin’, for her latest album, Crappyhornyrainbow.
James yelled, “PUFFY!!!  Get me down from here!!!”
“Relax!!!  Mariah should be down here any minute!  Oh there she is?!  WHAAAAA???!!!”
Mariah Carey may’ve pushed the “ho” envelope and went nuts after her divorce, wearing lesser and lesser clothes for each video she’s done since, but...let’s just say you don’t want to be a sailor on this ship, or maybe you do...
“Jiminem!!!  It’s great to finally meet you!!!  I’m Mariah Carey and I’m a butterfly!!!  And I want to sip the nectar off your goldenrod!!!  Slurp!!!”
“JESSIE!!!!” James yelled, with a HUGE nosebleed, for Mariah had no clothes on and was hungry for DNA.
Out of nowhere, Missy Elliot barged in, “MEEN-CHECKE GAUBOBO ISKANKI DOWA CHOMP-CHOMP AKBA!!! (ME IN LOVE WITH JIM SHADY!!!  GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU NAKED SKANK!!!)”
All of a sudden, both pop stars began to move their lips to bad dubs from old Chinese action movies.
Mariah Carey sniffled, “Hah!!!  Who’d fall in love with a bowl o’ black pudding, YOU ELEPHANT LOVE-CHILD YOU!!!”
“GUNCHE-BIBI YAMPO TAKA MUGOG!!!(ME HUNGRY, YOUR ANOREXIC ASS MUST DO FOR MEAL!!!  PREPARE TO DIE TO MY SUPERIOR FIGHTING TECHNIQUE, KUNG-FOOD!!!”
Mariah struck a fighting pose too, “I AM A MASTER OF THE BITCH ART, TAE KWON HO, THE FIST OF THE NORTH PORN STAR!!!  HIYA!!!”

And now, a message from the only surviving boyband from the Palletstreet Boys, O-Town...

“Hi, I’m Jacob,”
“I’m Trevor,”
“I’m Dan,”
“I’m Erik,”
“And I’m Ashley!!!”
“(simultaneously) AND WE’RE O-TOWN!!!”
Dan laughed, “Hah!!!  You thought all the boybands were dead, huh?!  Well, we’re still alive!!!  And to that weirdo who wrote The Palletstreet Boys, you can kiss our tattooed asses!!!
Ashley said, “Uhh, yeah!!!”
Jacob continued, “And to the Pokemon characters who killed N’SYNC, The Backstreet Boys, 98*, and the annoying kids who did the Gap commercial, you can kiss our asses after the weirdo author kisses our ass!!!”
“Uhh, yeah!!!”
Erik Estrada laughed maniacally, “CHiiiiiiPS!!!  I was named after the guy from CHiPS!!!!!!”
“Uhh, yeah!!!”
Trevor finished smoking his weed, “I’m done, foo!!!  Now let’s smoke some crack!!!”
“Uhh, yeah!!!”  No wait!!!  MISTY!!!  WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?!  MY NAME’S ASHLEY, ALMOST LIKE ASH!!!  UNLIKE YOUR PRESENT BOYFRIEND, I HAVE FULLY DEVELOPED SEXUAL ORGANS!!!  PLEASE!!!!!!!!”
Suddenly, May Oak busts in the door to O-Town’s secret hideout and rips out a mean chaingun from her purse.  Sissy-like screaming is heard as May unloads her chaingun on Dan and Jacob, perforating them into an unrecognizable bloody pulp.  Like lightning, she whips out a shotgun and blasts Erik’s head clean off and pumps two explosive rounds into Trevor, popping him open like a ripe pimple.  She then jump kicks Ashley and sticks a grenade in his mouth, “No one disses my Ash!!!  ”
KABOOOOM!!!!
Bits and pieces of Ashley fly across the wall, painting the walls a fresh hue of red.  May blows the smoke away from her weapons, and weird 70’s theme music starts up, “Hmm, a girl’s gotta get paid...”
(sung off-key to the theme of “Shaft”)

Who’s that girl with really big tits...
Who likes to take out contract hits?!
MAY!!!
Damn right...

Who’s the babe that won’t cop out?!
When Ash’s rep is dissed about?!
MAY!!!
Right on!!!

I’m telling you that May’s one bad mothaf...
SHUT YO’ MOUTH!!!
But I’m just talking ‘bout May?!
Can ya dig it?!

Back to Tokyo...

Ash and Pikachu are still racing across the streets with MetalGreymon on their asses, “THIS ISN’T FAIR!!!  WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW, PIKACHU!!!”
“PIKA!!!  Pika-pichu-pi-pikachu!!! (ASH!!!  Take these strength pills and go fight Tai before they called a forfeit!!!)”
Pikachu throws Ash Farmer Bubbas hormone pills and runs off with Ash’s other pokemon, while Ash jumps back in the ring to face Tai, “What are you doing back?!  Aren’t real monster trainers supposed to fight alongside their monsters?!”
Ash puffed out his chest, “Hah!!!  What are you talking about?!  My pokemon listen to what I say, have lots more attacks, and are cute and marketable, which is more than I can say for MetalGAYmon!!!”
“IT’S METALGREYMON, YOU BASTARD!!!  PREPARE TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED, YOU HO-LESS PIMP!!!”
“AT LEAST I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, YOU MATT-OBSESSED WEIRDO!!!”
“I AM NOT GAY!!! (though I was attracted to Tracey once, Tai says in the back of his head)  I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!”
Sora called out, “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, Tai?”
Tai sweatdrops, “Errr...AT LEAST MY GIRLFRIEND ISN’T STUCK WITH A CHASTITY BELT!!!”

Ash said, “Huh?!” and looked back at Misty ringside, banging away at her shorts with a hammer, “Misty, what happened?!  What is that thing?!”
“Ummm...*blushes*...a chastity belt.  Jessie put it on me, Ash.”
Jessie does her evil laugh, “A-HAHAHAHA!!!  Now the world will not have to worry about you sharing the same bed!”
Sora gushed, “You two share the same bed?!”
Misty blushed even more as it was being telecast across the world, “Heh-heh...only a few times...heh-heh...”
Tai’s jaw dropped to the ground and thinks, “I knew Izzy and I weren’t the only ones...*whimper*...”
Ash got pissed, “I’ll make you pay for insulting my woman’s honor!!!  Prepare to feel the fury of my secret weapon!!!”  He then unscrewed the cap to the pills and gobbled some down.  A few seconds went by, but still there was no noticeable change.
Misty called out to Ash, “Ash, forget this stupid match.  If you don’t get this freakin’ belt offa me, we won’t be able to experience the years of self-induced sexual repression which define true love, intimacy, and commitment, I think...”
“Okay, Mist,” Ash said, but just as he was about to leave, a strange tingle came into his boxers.
“....Sextoshi....”
“Did you hear that?!,” Misty said to Ash and Jessie.
Jessie asked curiously, “What was that?...”
“....Sextoshi....”
“I think I heard Sextoshi?!  What’s a...Sextoshi?!” Misty asked while Togepi shrugged.
“I don’t feel so good...Huh?!” Ash reeled back and, “GGRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”
Ash started glowing and morphing and a huge explosion occured.  Misty, Jessie, and Togepi held fast and, once the smoke the cleared, were in for the surprise of their life.  Ash was okay but looked different.  What had once been his small, undeveloped body had metamorphed into a glowing and slightly taller and muscular teen, with cuts rippling out of every corner.  All the young girls and homosexuals clamored lustfully to the edge of the ring and had to be held back by electric cattle prods.  Jessie held back a drooling, starry-eyed Misty as the mysterious new Ash spoke,

“ I am Sextoshi...ancient anime deity of lust and sexual pleasure.  As written in the prophesy of Montel Williams, I shall only appear once every 6,284.012 years by the summon of the perverted sex criminal/herald, Bill Clinton, and the boy who is my vessel is the sexually underdeveloped chosen one of Nintendo.  Who is the destined mate of this boy that she may experience the quintessential carnal pleasures of sex, the nubile, throbbing !%#$ of Sextoshi?!”

All Misty could say was, “TOGEPI!!!  USE YOUR METRONOME ON THIS DAMN CHASTITY BELT OR I WILL GIVE YOU TO GEORGE FOREMAN TO TEST OUT ON HIS NEW GRILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)”