Title: Whoopin’ Ash Genre: Comedy Type: General Chapter: One of One Author: Lusts 4 Misty E-mail: teamrockettrojan@hotmail.com Date Completed: 04 July 2002 When a rumour is spread by a couple of notorious Team Rocket Agents about up and coming Pokémon Trainer Ash Ketchum, he doesn’t take it too well. Ash challenges James to a battle without pokémon and trains hard... [Well, after the very brief, brash and plotless ‘Brock DJ’ fanfic I decided to work on something a little better. Enjoy.] Ash, Misty and Brock continue along the road to Viridian City, the sun beating down hard. All three turn to look as a bush at the side of the road rustles. A young looking man with short cut hair and a very noticeable Adam’s apple peers out from behind the bush. "Hey! It’s him!" "Yes, Ash Ketchum, pokémon trainer extraordinaire!" "Could you sign this picture for me?" Ash looked down to see a picture of him in swimming trunks, standing by a pool. ‘Ash is our ‘amateur hunk’ of the month. This young pokémon trainer always loves to get his hands on a new pair of pokéballs.’ "What the hell is this?" Ash shouted, dropping the magazine to the ground. "Looks like this month’s issue of ‘Lovely Boys’ magazine", replied Brock. "Pika! Pikachu!"*Would you Adam and Eve it, me old mucker?* Misty picked up the magazine and flicked through the pages, "But who would put a picture of Ash in a... Ooh! Look at this guy... I mean... eh.." "Pika!"*I swear it wasn’t me* "Prepare for trouble" The shrill violins play as Jessie lands on the road before the three. "And make it double" James lands on Jessie’s shoulders and points to the sky... "To protect the world from devastation" Jessie flexes her bicep... "To unite all peoples within our nation" James flicks a rose into his hand and presses it against his lips. "To renounce the evils of truth and love" Jessie does the funky chicken... "To extend out reach to the stars above" James does a star jump...(That action ties into the words, you see) "Jessie..." "James..." "Team Rocket blasting off at the speed of light" "Surrender now or prepare to fight" "Meowth! That’s right!" Meowth jumps out from God knows where and flicks out his claws. "Yes, it was we who put your picture in that gay magazine", says Jessie "Looks like our plan to expose you was rather fruitful", adds James Meowth slaps his brow, "Please, no more bad puns. Really." "Chu! Pika!" *This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen* "Oh, so you think that’s funny do you? Huh?" Ash grimaces, then takes off his cap and throws it hard at the ground. Brock puts his hand on Ash’s shoulder. "Ash, don’t get so worked up about it..." Ash knocks Brock’s hand away, "This time, we’re gonna fight to settle this, and I mean me and you. I propose a boxing match." James thinks for a moment, "You’re on!" "Pika pi!" *Gee willigers!* *** *** *** Note: The power of literature takes away from this next special moment, so you’ll just have to picture this in your head. Ash is training hard for his boxing match. *‘We Are The Champions’ by Queen begins to play as we watch a video montage of Ash’s crucial moments in the build-up to the fight* "I’ve paid my dues" *Ash does some push-ups while Brock watches* "Time after time" *Ash collapses into his bed exhausted* "I’ve done my sentence" *A image of Ash in ‘Lovely Boy’s’ magazine* "But committed no crime" *Ash looks at Misty and starts to blush (Well, something gets redder anyway)* "And bad mistakes" *Ash walks into the women’s toilets by mistake" "I’ve made a few" *Ash misses the punch bag and it swings back to hit him in the groin* "I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face" *Misty walks into the bathroom to see Ash when it’s very cold* "But I’ve come through" *Ash throws a pokéball and catches Caterpie* "We are the champions, my friend" *Ash, in sweats, spars with Brock* "And we’ll keep on fighting ‘til the end" (dun dun dun)" *Ash chases a pig and tries to catch it* "We are the champions..." *Ash runs up a snowy mountain* "We are the champions..." *Ash spars against a six-year-old girl and gets a TKO* "No time for losers..." *Ash laces up his boxing glove and punches the air* "‘Cause we are the champions" *Ash pulls his boxing trunks out of his ass cleavage* "Of the woooooooooorld..." *Ash does sit-ups as Misty shouts through a megaphone* "I’ve taken my bows" *Ash trips over a brick while jogging and falls flat on the street* "And my curtain calls" *Ash punches a statue of Michelangelo’s David and it’s groin falls off* "You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it" *A shot of Ash’s picture in his school yearbook* "I thank you all" *Ash gives a sandwich to a homeless woman* "But it’s been no bed of roses..." *Brock and Misty helps Ash bandage up his knuckles* "No pleasure cruise..." *Ash unsuccessfully tries to flush a big floater down the toilet* "I consider it a challenge before the whole human race" *Ash lies on his bed in a drunken mess* "And I’ll never loose" *Ash takes off his shorts and jumps into the shower* "We are the champions, my friend" *Ash is running up a flight of stairs* "And we’ll keep on fighting ‘til the end (dun dun dun)" *Ash goes faster up the stairs* "We are the champions..." *Ash looks at a picture of a really ugly woman and feels sick* "We are the champions..." *Ash beats up a cardboard cut-out of James* "No time for losers..." *Ash arm-wrestles with Pikachu and wins* "‘Cause we are the champions" *Ash dodges Brock’s punch and uppercuts him* "Of the world..." *Ash drinks a protein shake* "We are the champions, my friend" *Ash steps on the scales and tightens his buttocks* "And weeeeeee’ll keep on fighting ‘til the end" *Ash punches the punch bag and it bursts* "We are the champions..." *Pikachu smiles as Ash bench presses two-hundred pounds* "We are the champions..." *Ash tries on his mother’s lacy panties in his room* "No time for losers..." *Ash reaches the top of some steps and cheers* "‘Cause we are the champions..." *** *** *** "GOOD EVENING, SPORTS FANS! THIS IS MEOWTH ALONGSIDE BROCK, AND TONIGHT WE’LL BE CALLING THE ACTION OF OUR MAIN EVENT, ASH KETCHUM FROM PALLET TOWN AGAINST THE CHALLENGER JAMES FROM TEAM ROCKET!" "OH MY GOD THIS IS BROCK AND I’M COMMENTATING!" "Yeah, whatever. I’ve just gotten word that Ash has arrived at the stadium." A camera crew run out to the entrance of the arena, and capture footage of a black limousine pulling up and stopping. The driver gets out and opens the back door. Pikachu bounces out of the door, followed by Ash in a hooded gown, walking with his head down. Misty gets out of the car and closes the door, carrying Ash’s bags. Meowth’s voice interrupts the transmission again. "We’re gonna have an interview with Ash very soon, so while we’re waiting let’s look at the results of today’s weigh-in." "MY GOD!" Squirtle and Koffing are sitting next by at the pokémon commentator’s table. "Squirtle. Squirtle!" "Koffing!" The transmission cuts to show the footage. Ash steps onto the scales, his weight is read, and James follows. "Ash is giving up about fifty pounds, and an awful lot of height to James. He’ll have to find a way to use his smaller frame to his advantage, but it won’t be easy. What do you say, Brock?" "I THINK THIS WILL BE THE BEST MATCH EVER. NEVER IN MY LIFE WILL I SEE AGAIN SUCH A MATCH!" Meowth gives Brock a concerned sideways glance and clears his throat, "Umm, yeah. Anyways we now have an interview with Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town." "INTERVIEW! INTERVIEW!" The transmission cuts to love footage from Ash’s dressing room. Misty is taping up Ash’s knuckles and Pikachu is using his electric to pump his abs (Just like those scary abflex machines...). Police Officer Jenny is holding a microphone, and turns to Ash. "Hello, I’m Officer Jenny and tonight I will be interviewing Ash Ketchum from Pallet town who will be competing against James from the nasty Team Rocket in a match not sanctioned by the World Boxing Federation. My question to you, Ash Ketchup from Pallet Town is this..." "Ketchum." Misty interrupts the question. "Sorry about the mistake. I’ll start again. Hello, I’m Officer Jenny and tonight I will be interviewing Ash Ketchum from Pallet town who will be competing against James from the nasty Team Rocket in a match not sanctioned by the World Boxing Federation. My question to you, Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town is this..." Ash raises his hand and cuts her off. "Why is everything you say so long and forced?" "I’m sorry, but Japanese speech usually is longer than English speech and the people in the dubbing studio have to create very awkward run-on sentences which the voice actors, who usually aren’t Oscar material, sometimes have a little trouble delivering the dialogue. So Ash Ketchum the question is this: Do you think you’ll win tonight?" "Yes!", Ash nods his head. "That’s right!", Misty adds. "Well, there you have it. This is Officer Jenny saying that Ash is going to win the match tonight because he said so." The transmission cuts back to the commentator’s table. "JENNY! JENNY! JENNY!" "Shut up. Anyway, after than informative interview, let’s see how the favourite, James from Team Rocket, is getting on." We can now see footage of James in a Jacuzzi, wearing an ice mask and sipping on a cocktail. Officer Jenny lifts the mask off and points the microphone at him. James shrieks and dives away from her. "Please don’t arrest me! I didn’t do it, really!" "No, sir, I’m here to interview you before your match." "I’m not saying anything. I know my Miranda rights. I don’t want anything being used against me as evidence." James jumps out of the bath and throws a towel around his shoulders, walking out of the room. "INTERVIEW! OH MY GOD THAT WAS AMAZING!" "What the hell is wrong with you, Brock?" "BLOOD SUGAR! BLOOD SUGAR! OH HELL YEAH!" "Where is Jessie? I wonder?" "IN THE CAGE!" "Wha?" Meowth looks up to see Jessie locked in a cage hanging above the ring. She is dressed in a wedding gown. "What the heck is going on here?" "STIPULATION! WHO WILL WIN?" Brock hands Meowth the new program. Meowth reads out the new information about the match. "Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems the rules of the match have changed. It looks like the match is now a... What the hell? A ladder match? No hold barred, and the winner of the match is the first one to climb the ladder and unlock Jessie will win her... HAND IN MARRIAGE!? And ten thousand dollars? Who the heck took control of this show?" "OH MY GOD IT’S ALL ON THE LINE TONIGHT FOLKS. THE HAND IN MARRIAGE OF JESSIE AND TEN THOUSAND DOLLAROONIES! THAT’S EQUAL TO SIXTY-TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED ENGLISH POUNDS! THE WINNER WILL BE IN THE MONEY AND IN THE HONEY TOO!" "That was bad even by my standards, Brock." "I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER’S GRAVE THE MATCH IS ABOUT TO START MEOWTH AND IT’S GONNA BE A REAL ROCKABILLY!!!" I want to be the very best, Like no one ever was... The pokémon title theme plays throughout the stadium as Ash Ketchum steps through the curtains and walks towards the ring. Professor Oak and Ash’s mother cheer from the seats. Oak turns and puts his hand on her leg. "Excuse me, aren’t you married." "Am I? Oh yes, I forgot!", stammered Oak. Meowth picks of his announcing microphone. "Making his way to the ring, from Pallet Town, weighting in at ninety-eight and three-quarter pounds, Ash Keeeeeeeeetchum!" Ash climbs onto the apron and steps through the ropes. He throws off his gown, revealing a pair of blue trunks, kneepads and boots. The small crowd cheers as Ash paces around the ring, cracking his knuckles. The music fades out just as a new song bursts in... She’s a killer queen, Gunpowder gelatine, Dynamite with a laser beam, Guaranteed to blow your mind... Killer Queen by Queen blasts through the speakers as James steps out onto the top of the stage, silhouetted by a single spotlight shining on him. He turns to face the crowd as the lights turn back on, revealing his purple tights and tied back hair. Brock grabs the microphone from Meowth and yells, "GOD DAMN IT, JAMES JUST MIGHT BE THE TOUGHEST SON OF A BITCH IN THE PLANET!!!" James runs down to ring side and grabs a ladder, throwing it into the ring. Ash picks up the ladder as James slides under the ropes, and swings it down, barely missing James’ head. James reaches into his trunks and brings out a lighter, which he flicks and holds to the ropes. A bright flash of light comes from the ring, and the ropes have burst into flame! "It seems that gasoline soaked ropes were another stipulation in this match" "GOOD GOD!" "For once Brock I agree with you." Ash grabs James’ hand and tries to whip him into the ropes, but James grounds himself with his greater mass and spins Ash around, throwing him onto the ropes. Ash jumps off and falls on his face, burned but not badly. James seizes the opportunity and stands up the ladder, climbing towards Jessie and the cage at the top. Meowth jumps up onto the table, "It looks like James is going to win it, just a few seconds into the match!" Ash crawls over just enough to grab the leg of the ladder and gives it a fierce tug. The ladder wobbles, and James holds on for dear life as the ladder goes over, throwing him through the pokémon commentator’s table. "AS GOD IS MY WITNESS HE’S BROKEN IN HALF!" "Squirtle!" Squirtle and Koffing go running for cover as the table shatters and James falls in a heap on the floor. "This could be one of the shortest matches we’ve seen, but one of the most brutal, folks!" Ash grimaces and climbs up the ladder Yes, I can do it! Ash gets to the top of the ladder, looks around at the crowd, opens the door of the cage and grabs Jessie’s hand. Misty rings the bell. "OH MY GOD ASH IS THE WINNER OF THE MOST LEGENDARY BATTLE SINCE SLICED BREAD AND HE HAS WON THE MONEY AND THE TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS" Squirtle blasts water to extinguish the flames on the ropes, and a priest runs down to the ring to perform the ceremony. Misty shakes her head, "I can’t believe this is happening. It’s just so surreal." "Hello, Misty, isn’t it?", says a man from behind Misty. "Who are you?" "Oh, I’m the author. I planned all this so I could get my chance to make a move on you!" "Hmmpf!" Misty punches L4M in the groin. *** *** *** Later that night, in the honeymoon suite, Ash and Jessie are enjoying a large meal bought with the prize money. "So, do you think this marriage could possibly ever last?", says Ash, munching on a piece of chicken. "Well, about as long as that hundred thousand dollars will last.", replies Jessie, sipping on some white sparkling. "I wish Misty was here", sighs Ash. "Oh really, and what has she got that I don’t?" "Well, I miss her beautiful red hair." Jessie gives Ash a harsh look, "I have beautiful red hair..." "And I love talking to her about pokémon." "I love pokémon!" The two stare at each other in silence, looking deeply into one another’s eyes. Ash puts down his chopsticks and stretches his hand over the table. Suddenly Officer Jenny bursts into the room and handcuffs Ash and Jessie. "I’m sorry, this is much to silly. I’m going to have to end this fanfic before it gets any worse..." And with that, the fanfic ended. Jessie and Ash had the marriage nullified, but they bother had to wonder if they could have worked together. Misty decided to become a manager to Ash when he made an unsuccessful run at the Ultimate Fighting Championship and failed, and then decided to stick to what he was best at, training pokémon. James suffered a broken rib in the match, and was out of work for a month. Brock and Meowth become B-List celebrities and released a single, Don’t Want To Leave, which got to number four in the charts. [Thanks to someone who provided a lot of inspiration for this fanfic. You know who you are. Review this fic and I’ll be your best friend.]