Mizzy-chan and the Island of Unspeakable Discomfort!
By Mega Rose
Welcome, puny subnoodles of the stench! Eh? What the heck did I just say? That made no sense. Anyway, every other part of Mizzy-chan's Happy Horrible Mutant Machine will be a short intermission, so that you all have the chance to send in ideas for the next real part. So far, nobody has submitted ideas. See part 1 for details. I feel like nobody's listening. BUT I DON'T CARE!!! GYAAAARG!!! ...Ahem.
Today I will tell thee the story of when Mizzy-chan, her ditzy lab assistant Trink, and her disgruntled Chef Sheffe took a trip to a mysterious island. This is one of those southern islands, south of Pacifidlog Town in Hoenn, an island made from the skeletons of ancient Corsola. In the center of the island is a tall mountain. Not a volcano, just a mountain. Surrounded in clouds.
Mizzy-chan and her two sidekicks (don't tell them I said that) were headed for the very top of this mountain. Mizzy-chan didn't say why. In fact, she announced the trip a few hours ago without warning. She simply marched into the kitchen and announced that the prisoners must be 'put to bed' (by which she means 'hit Ash over the head until he passes out') for they would be a-tripping. That's not even a word.
BUNKY SCHMOO! WHAAAAAAAIOOOM! MOOOOOSCH! YARGYARG SMITTSIE! AAAARG! WHAT THE HECK AM I SAYING?!!! GET ON WITH THE STORY ALREADY!!!
"YEEEEARG! Taste my artificial strawberry-scented wrath! Eh! That'll teach you to be a plant! MOOSH!" Mizzy-chan was getting carried away as she hacked at vegetation with her machete of questionable orgins (five bucks says she stole it from a dead guy). She had applied extreme amounts of Max Repel to keep the insectoid martians away, which also kept her two assistants a good distance behind her, which was just as well, because she was hacking away as if she were some sort of alien blade monkey.
"Sheffe, are you sure it's okay to be out here?" Trink, who doesn't get out much (heck, she doesn't get out at all!), was clinging to the reasonably more outdoorsy Chef Sheffe Ducky-Pants.
"Sure! Campin's great! You get to do all sorts of stuff! Sleep in the mud, eat off the ground, and do your business in the bushes! I haven't had this much fun in years!" There wasn't a single drop of sarcasm in Sheffe's voice. She was serious. (She's starting to scare me)
"Oooooh, I'm scared."
"Oh, come on! This isn't even real camping! If we were really camping, we wouldn't have all this stuff! Lookit all this!" Sheffe points to the gigantic backpack Trink is carrying. "We don't need this junk! We don't need luxuries like 'clothes' and 'shoes' and 'toilet paper!' All you need is the lice in your hair and the dirt under your toenails. But good luck telling Mizzy-chan that. I told her not to bring all this garbage, but nooooooo, she just has to have her 'fresh drinking water' and her 'insect repellent.' Let 'em bite, I say! It's natural! I..." Trink walked out of hearing distance. This trip was disturbing enough without Sheffe's delusions of 'roughing it.'
"I EAT WAFFLES LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST! NYAAAAAH! GIT OUTTA MAH WAYS, YA DURN WILDLIFE! I'M A-QUESTIN' FOR THE END OF THE RAINBOW! MAGICALLY DELICIOUS, I SAY!" Mizzy-chan was still slicing and dicing up the foliage in their path, but now she was foaming at the mouth. Fortunately, before long she was blinded by the light of the sun when the dense ceiling of trees and rabid Mankeys suddenly stopped. "EEEEEEYAH! I can't see! GARG! Bright light! OOOOOG! IT BURNS!" [Author's note- This is how I feel whenever I step out of the house in the daytime.]
When her vision returned to normal, Mizzy-chan saw before her a big, beautiful open field. Everything was made of candy! Even the dirt! Sugary, cavity-inducing joy! But Mizzy-chan did not celebrate. "No...this can't be! I must've made a wrong turn somewhere. Gasp! Can you hear it?"
"Hear what, Master Mizzy-chan?" Trink asked.
"Sssssh! Listen!" They all fell silent. Soon, they could hear music. But not ordinary music. No, nothing about this music made you want to sing along, or dance, or smash your head on things. It started in low, and it started to grow...
Suddenly, out of nowhere, for no reason, little orange people jumped out of the bushes! Their hair was green and they dressed in some sort of demented chicken's idea of a uniform! They started walking around in what appeared to be a pattern. "Oompa loompa..."
"EEEEYAAARG! Kill it! Hurry! Before it can infest you!" Mizzy-chan begins to hit the horrible orange midgets with a stick. "WHY ARE THERE NO FEMALE OOMPA LOOMPAS?!!! HOW DO THEY MAKE BABIES?! FREEEEEEEEEEEAKS! THEY ALL CRAZY N' STUFF LIKE CRAZY THINGS THAT'RE ALL CRAZY! ...Is it dead?" The freaks stopped dancing and were scared stiff of the maniacal maniac girl before them. Oh yeah, she was holding a stick. That's scary too. Suddenly, Mizzy-chan smiled. "Oompa loompa doompity doo, I've got a homing missile for you," She began to sing. Let this be a lesson to you! Mizzy-chan does bad things when she smiles! "Oompa loompa doompity dead, it's gonna kill you right in the head!" She pulls a rocket launcher out of thin air and starts having fun. Fun is destructive.
Mooshywooshy gargle spoo! Yaaaaarg! The secret to life is to rub a monkey's head in garbage! Tickle the mouse now! Children! Consume thy parents! I see pants up your nose! (starts narrating in spooky, crazed voice) Pitiful human female! You bring about your own death! Yeeeesss, you may have pretty red lips but with no brain to move them your mouth becomes nothing more than a gaping hole in your face to shove dead things into! Use this lesson wisely! Use it to power your cheese car! Mwahahahaha!!! [Author's note- This paragraph has nothing to do with the story but I've been wanting to write that 'pretty red lips' line for some time. I imagine myself saying this while pointing a gun at the head of Jessebelle from that one episode. I wanted to write it and it's my story so shut your noise tube spit faucet food hole, stupid human. I say this in the least offensive way possible.]
Soon, Mizzy-chan, Trink, and Sheffe move on up the mountain. This is where the actual story begins, so pay attention, boy. The peak of the mountain was covered in fog. Above it all, a single white cloud floated. "There it is! We gotta get up there!"
"Why?"
"Don't change the subject!"
"Well, I might've been able go get up there..." Sheffe said. "But I can't exactly fly at the moment..."
"Say no more, for your voice sickens and disturbs me! Luckily, I brought along my PortaSplicer, 'for the mad scientist on the go! Available wherever illegal mutation devices are sold. Found in the cereal aisle!' Stand back, for here comes a heaping helping of radiation!" Nyeeeew! Mizzy-chan blasted Sheffe with the PortaSplicer, causing her to turn into her original form...a Farfetch'd! That's right, our lovably cranky Miss Ducky-Pants is in reality a mutated Farfetch'd! "I am trapped in an eternal commercial break!" Mizzy-chan exclaimed.
Sheffe, restored to her Pokemon form, used her Fly technique to get Mizzy-chan and Trink to the top of the cloud, which, not surprisingly, was solid. [Author's note- Once you've been to Ooompa Loompa Land while heavily armed with explosives and sticks, nothing surprises you anymore.] Sheffe then perched on Mizzy-chan's shoulder.
"Get ready," Mizzy-chan warned, "for this is a land of danger and strange annoyance. Avoid the natives at all costs." Suddenly, a rumbling sound could be heard. "Aww, spoot! It's too late. Hide!"
"Master Mizzy-chan, what's happening?"
"It's them...YUUUUUUUWAH!" Out of the ground (since they were on a cloud, it wasn't exactly ground, but you get the idea) popped hundreds of little creatures! They came in many colors. They looked like...like...like...
"Master Mizzy-chan, look! Big, hairy gumdrops!"
"No, Trink-chan, those are what are commonly known as Furbies. Stay away from them, and whatever you do, don't make eye contact! Now, you two, listen very carefully. I want you to take these..." Mizzy-chan handed large mallets to Trink and Sheffe. "And SMASH 'EM! SMASH 'EM LIKE THEY KILLED YOUR PUPPY! HURRY! GET 'EM! SCHMOOOOOOOOOK!!!!"
Suddenly, everyone was smashing Furbies! Bits of fur and computer chips were flying everywhere! It was hilarious! Little Furby squid-beaks and little Furby eyeballs were a-plenty! Whoo-hoo! But wait! Suddenly, falling from the sky came a HUGE radioactive yellow Furby! It had horns! And wings! And feet! And in a booming voice it said..."Me koh-koh!"
"M-master Mizzy-chan, wh-what's that mean?"
Mizzy-chan flipped through her Furbish-to-English dictionary. "Either it's name is 'Koh-koh' or it's hungry. Yeah, I think it's hungry."
"What do we do?"
"We run. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" And so they ran. The gigantic Furby waddled after them (kind of hard when it has no legs), but they were faster! And smarter. They ran all the way to the bottom of the mountain and apparently, the Furby didn't intend to follow.
"Me koh-koh."
"Why isn't it following us?
"I think it's retarded. Whew! That's good! A wise man once said: 'How I envy those blessed with a stunning ignorance of the truth! Oh, to be truly happy. To be an imbecile.'"
"Shakespeare?"
"Wobbly Headed Bob." [Author's note- Wobbly Headed Bob is owned by Jhonen Vasquez and Slave Labor Graphics. Or something.]
"Ah."
And so, they sailed off the horizon, headed for home. "Hey, I've got an idea!" Mizzy-chan exclaimed, while her two lackeys rowed their leaky boat, "When we get home let's have a contest: whoever can cram the most medical waste into Ash's mouth gets free dustmites for a year!
"No thanks."
"Aww...okay...well...I guess this is the end. So...The End!
I would like to point out that the extreme torture I put cartoon characters through is just my way of saying I like them. When I don't like a character, I completely ignore them, which is why Tracey (Grr! He not Brock so I hit him with flaming pokey!) isn't in the story at all. Ashy-Washy-Poo ROCKS!!! Whoo! Wobbuffet!