"The Play's the Thing" Hamlet, act II, scene ii

Scene I

[Gary, Misty and Brock are seated in desks in a classroom. At the front of the room is a larger desk for the teacher and a blackboard.]

[Enter Ash, breathless, and dressed in pyjamas. He looks around the room and sheepishly goes to his desk.]

[Enter Professor Oak, dressed in a black school gown and four-sided cap.]

Oak: Good morning, class!

Ash, Misty and Brock: [together] Good morning, Professor.

Gary: Good morning, Grandpa.

Oak: Now, now, Gary. Remember that in my class you're to call me by my title. I'm not going to play favourites.

Ash: You always play favourites, sir.

Oak: Ash, go face the wall for five minutes for speaking when you're not spoken to.

Ash: Aw, sir...

[Oak looks at him sternly; Ash obeys.]

Oak: Alright, class. Today we're going to learn about Pokémon breeding.

Gary: Do you mean about the Pidgeys and the Beedrills, gra... uh... sir?

Oak: That's one way of putting it.

Ash: [turns around momentarily] Gary spoke when he's not spoken to. Punish him now sir.

[Brock puts up his hand.]

Oak: Gary was participating in class discussion. For your rude interruption, Ketchum, you stay there for another five minutes. Now Brock, do you have a question?

Brock: Sir, I'm going to be a breeder when I grow up.

Oak: Brock! Go and face the wall for that coarse joke.

Brock: But sir, it's the truth. Misty, can't you tell the Professor what I always tell the audience.

[Oak turns to Misty with an inquiring look.]

Misty: It's true sir. He leers at every girl he sees. I think he always has breeding on his mind.

Oak: Very well, then. Brock go and face the wall for ten minutes.

[Brock dejectedly complies.]

Oak: Now, the rest of the class. Who can tell me the basic requirements for Pokémon breeding?

[Misty and Gary raise their hands.]

Oak: Misty?

Misty: You need a male and a female Pokémon left together at a day care centre?

Oak: Hmm... that's along the right lines. What's this about a day care centre?

Misty: [a little embarrassed] That's what Ash told me.

Ash: [turns around again] That's right. I've got a male and female Pidgey breeding together on my game boy right now. [pulls a game boy out of his pocket]

Oak: Ketchum! Give me that game boy. You know they're not permitted in class.

Ash: But sir, I'm not playing it in class. I brought it to trade with Richie at lunch time.

[Oak stretches out his hand. Ash reluctantly hands the game boy over.]

Gary: Some people don't know the difference between games and reality.

Oak: Now, now, Gary. Not all children are the beneficiaries of genes for great intellect. What do you have to say about breeding?

Gary: Male and female Pokémon of the same species can breed. But it is also possible to breed a Pokémon with a Ditto. Also some Pokémon of different species can interbreed.

Oak: Ah, excellent response. I can see you've been doing your homework.

Ash: Yeah, bookworm!

Gary: Waddya want, idiot?

Oak: Now, now, children. No need for unpleasantness. Ash, stay there for an extra five minutes.

Misty: [indignantly] Sir, aren't you going to punish Gary?

Gary: Ash started it.

Misty: You continued it!

Oak: Quiet! All of you! Now Misty, for arguing in class, go and face the wall for five minutes.

Misty: Sir, there won't be anyone else to teach.

Oak: True. Gary knows it all already. Nevertheless, order and discipline must be maintained in the classroom. Misty, go face the wall.

[Misty goes and faces the wall.]

Oak: Now class--well, Gary at least--we shall now move to the practical part of our lesson. I have in these two Poké Balls a male and a female Squirtle.

Misty: [aside] Oh... water Pokémon! I wish I could see them.

Oak: We shall release them in class during recess. When we return, we shall expect to find an egg.

Gary: Can we stay in and watch them, sir?

Oak: Can anyone in class tell me why that would not be a good idea? [looks at Gary]

Gary: They need privacy?

Ash: What do they need privacy for?

Oak: Ash, you can ask questions when you've returned to class. Now can anyone in class give me an answer?

Misty: Sir, this is ridiculous. There's only one person left in your class.

Oak: Silence. Do you all want to be kept in over recess?

All students: [together] Yes, sir.

Oak: Very well then, so be it.

Gary: What about the Squitles' privacy, sir?

Brock: Gary, why did you remind him?

Oak: Good point Gary. For reminding me, you will not be punished. You do not have to stay in over recess.

Gary: Aw, sir?

Oak: The rest of you, as punishment in lieu of staying in over recess, you will hand in by tomorrow a three-page essay on the breeding habits of the common or red-scaled Magikarp. You can stay in all lunchtime at the school library researching the topic.

[Ash, Misty and Brock look stunned.]

Ash: Aw, sir? All lunch time?

Brock: Thank you, sir. I'll do my best.

Misty: At least it's a water Pokémon.

Oak: Now it's time to release the Squirtles.

[Oak picks up two Poké balls and does so. Two Squirtles appear.]

Oak: Class, your punishment time is up, return to your seats.

[They sit down.]

Oak: Alright class, who can tell the difference between the male and the female?

Ash: You look it up in your Pokédex?

Oak: Without using your Pokédex.

Brock: [embarrassed] You look at their... uh... anatomy, sir?

Oak: Correct. Now what part of their anatomy is different?

[There's no reply. Everyone except Ash looks embarrassed.]

Oak: Alright, Squirtles, get down on all fours with your tails towards the class.

[Squirtles do so.]

Oak: Lift up your tails for the class to see underneath.

[Squirtles obey. Everyone except Ash goes red in the face.]

Oak: Look carefully and you'll notice the difference. As you will see, the male Squirtle's tail has a purple hue underneath. The female's has a turquoise hue.

[Everyone except Ash gives a sigh of relief.]

Oak: Squirtles, at ease. Class, it's recess time, so you may be dismissed.

Ash: Sir, how far do we have to walk during recess?

Oak: Ash, I don't understand?

Ash: I don't know how many steps to take for the Squirtles to lay their egg.

Gary: Sir, he's confused because of that game he plays.

Oak: I see. [hands game boy back to Ash] Ash, I don't want to see you playing this in class again. In fact, given your confusion, I recommend that you don't play this at all. Now--class dismissed.

[Students and Oak exit. Squirtles look at each other. Male has a gleam in his eye.]