Title: Frustrated
Author: Shadow/Phantomness
Pairing: Championshipping (Lance x Red)
Fandom: Pokémon
Theme: #75, Frustration
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Pokemon belongs to Satoshi Tajiri, Nintendo and Shogakukan Comics. This non-profit, non-copyright infringing fanfiction belongs to me under international copyright laws and taking it is plagiarism. Thank you. *Phantomness bows*

Notes: <> for telepathy, ** for thoughts, italics if a pokemon talks

Warnings: Breaking the fourth wall, het, fanon

Dedication: Sev Brown for the bunny

Phantomness buried her face in her hands in frustration, ready to sob. Six hours of concentrated cramming had finally fried her brain, and now, she was speaking a mix of broken Latin and Japanese trying to figure out just what type of epithelium the ejaculatory duct was lined with.

Pika-chan silently crept past her desk with a box of strawberry pocky.

< Is she in one of those moods again? > Shoyko asked.

The fluff muse gave her fellow sufferer a nod and crunched on a cookie stick.

The darkfic muse sighed. < More work for me then… >

< She doesn’t seem to be writing. > Red observed, perched on Phantomness’s black cast iron bookshelf. He snuggled up to Lance, who took the opportunity to squeeze him between the legs.

< Hey! >

< You’ve been appearing in a lot of role-playing stories lately, Red-chan. > Lance smirked. < And they almost all involve you as my sub. >

The Pallet Trainer colored to match his namesake. *!!!! *

Kairo sucked on a blueberry lollipop. < That’s true. >

< Why are you taking his side? > Red pouted.

< Because it’s true. I find it fun. They manage to work in so much humor. You’re so gullible in lemons. >

The boy stretched. < Well, she’s kinky. >

< I like kinky. > The Dragon Master purred.

< I’m not sure if I do. > Kairo pointed out. He had been a gift from a fan several years ago, and incongruously, resembled a chibified version of Heero Yuy with cat ears and a tail. However, as Phantomness avoided the Gundam Wing fandom and hadn’t seen more than one episode that fact usually passed unnoticed.

Shoyko fluttered his wings and grabbed a pocky stick from Pika-chan.

“Hey!”

“Quiet!” Phantomness lobbed the nearest object at hand in Pika-chan’s direction, braining the fluff muse with a bottle of antidepressants, and muttered something about stratified squamous.

A sparkly pink mist drifted from the fallen electric mouse. It swiftly enveloped Red and Lance.

“L-Lance-chan…” The black-haired Trainer shivered.

“Yes, kitten?” She purred, dipping her head down and capturing her husband’s lips in a passionate kiss.

“Oh Lance!”

“Red…”

“I love you…”

“I love you too…”

“I can’t live without you, Lance…”

“Nor can I live without you, my delectable buttercup…”

Shoyko gagged. The fluff was overwhelming!

“Hmm. This is not good.” Kairo frowned. “I suppose that Pika-chan accidentally released a severe dose of concentrated sap powder into the air.”

“That explains it.” Shoyko fanned his face. “How do we get rid of it?”

“Beats me.”

Phantomness turned another page and began cursing in vicious Japanese.

“Well, we’re not getting any help from that quarter.” The angst muse said dryly.

“Hey, at least we’re not affected.” Kairo pointed out. He peeled another lollipop.

“Good point. I wonder why?”

“We’re not character muses. We don’t show up in actual fic canon, hence…”

“Oh!” Shoyko frowned. “Still, those two,” He jerked a paw at Lance and Red. “Are acting really Out Of Character!”

The humor muse nodded.

“My sweet little muffin… how could I ever have loved anyone else?”

“Oh!” Red gasped. Tears of joy ran down his cheeks. “Do you really mean it?”

“With all my heart!”

“My hero!” He fell on her ravenously.

Kairo gagged. “This is so not funny!”

The winged teddy bear grabbed a paper fan. “Hey Kairo, let’s just waft it away!”

“Will that work?” He asked dubiously, but grabbed a book and began to make sweeping motions.

The Authoress gagged. “Hey! Watch where you’re shooting that stuff!” She sneezed and grabbed the box of Kleenex on her desk. “And I was just starting to get over the flu, too!”

“Sorry!” Kairo chirped.

The college student rubbed her eyes tiredly. “Ugh…”

“But Lance and Red are making out!”

“Why is that a bad thing? I love championshipping.”

“It’s fluff overdose!” Shoyko declared.

“…”

He coughed. “And they’re being OOC!”

That caught the Authoress’s attention. “Stupid Pika-chan, not taking care of them…”

“You did knock her out.”

Phantomness picked up her hefty Genetics textbook and bonked Pika-chan on the head with it.

“OWW! What was that for?” The ‘Eternal Winged Pikachu of Greatness’ demanded.

“You’re leaking sugary sweetness.” Phantomness said, deadpan.

“And Lance just called Red a beautiful burrito.” Kairo piped up helpfully.

“What?” She looked horrified.

Sure enough, the two Champions were making little cooing noises at each other and sweet-talking bad enough to rot teeth. The Guardian paled.

“I’ll get on it right away!”

Half an hour later, the mess was somewhat restored. Both Lance and Red were pointedly ignoring Pika-chan, shuddering at the memories.

“So… wrong…”

“Lance, if I ever call you a blooming violet sparkling in the moonlight again, please, kill me!”

“Agreed.” The Johto Champion twitched. “What a nightmare!”

She felt like she needed a lot of brain bleach.

Shoyko suddenly nailed a skulking shadow with an ofuda. “Begone, Specialshipping spirit!”

Something that looked like a bloated blonde Lolita faded into dust.

Red cuddled closer to Lance. “Eew.”

If that had taken hold, he would have fallen in love with Yellow. He didn’t care if it was canon!

He hadn’t really reciprocated her feelings yet!

And besides, if he ever slept with Yellow in this world of fanon, there would be dire consequences for all life on earth…

Lance could be creepily obsessive…

“I give up!” Phantomness slammed her textbooks down with a bang. “I’m going to bed. Stupid anatomy and Japanese and genetics!”

“Hey Lance…” Red crooned. “I’ll be causative-passive for you.”

“You are not a Japanese verb tense.” His wife responded dryly. “But I’m sure you will be.”

“Looks like the Author’s influence is leaking in.” Kairo chuckled.

Lance ran her fingers through her pet’s hair, grinning.

Pika-chan dove into Phantomness’s desk drawer, coming up with her secret stash of raisinets. “Mine!”

Shoyko rolled his eyes. “Such is life.”

“At least I don’t ever get mistaken for a female.”

The light-type Pokemon twitched. “Say that again, Pika-chan, and I’ll-!”

“You’ll what?”

“Leave you to face the vampire, pirate, werewolf, prostitute, angel, demon, last member of a dying species, robot, sex slave, and Romeo and Juliet clichés!”

Pika-chan paled. “O-Okay. Point taken.”

Kairo just popped another lollipop in his mouth. Jeopardy would be on soon… he flew off to watch.

Red giggled as Lance kissed him. “Maybe I like this new side of me. The ultimate submissive for you…”

“Ahh,” The dominant hissed, tightening her grip. “Maybe I do too.”

End Fic

Completed 12/8/07

Edited 12/9/09

Writer’s Block is frustrating!! So are final exams! And no, I did not manage to write this in 15 minutes…

I write self-insertion once in a while, I admit. Sometimes, you just really want to! ^^V

Thanks, Sev!