This lil’ fic has been swirling around in my head for a bit. What happens when Bruno and Will investigate Lance’s room when he’s not there to find out a little more about the mysterious Dragon Master? They may wind up finding out more than they bargained for…

Disclaimer: Pokemon not mine. Really.

Notes: If you’ve read ‘Dragon’s Love’, you’ll know… incorrect gender phrasings when assumed. Shadow’s attempt at a humorous story…

Title: Little Secrets – a day in the life of the Elite Four

< Bruno, this has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard from you. > Will stated emphatically as he stared at the fighting type trainer from behind the eyeholes in his mask.

Bruno grunted and scratched his head. “But aren’t you curious?”

< And about what? >

“I mean, Lance has never gone on a date… and he never uses the pokemon center here at the league HQ… and I’ve never seen him eat more than a sandwich… do you think he’s on a diet?”

< What concern is that of yours? >

‘Okay! What about the fact that he almost never gives out orders in battle? Maybe he’s psychic like you!”
Will’s eyebrow twitched. < I think you are making this up just to bait me. I refuse to help you. >

Bruno sighed. “Then I’ll have to do this the hard way!”

He reached into his pockets and pulled out an item. It was pink… and frilly… and…fluffy?

< BRUNO! >

“What? Have a hit a nerve, Will?” Bruno asked, enjoying himself. “I didn’t know you liked poofy teddy bears.”

Will seethed as he tried to yank the bear out of Bruno’s hands, but the trainer kept a firm grip on it.

“Come on, Will. We’ll just take a quick peek. Lance is off shopping with Karen right now. Or else, I’ll show her this.”

< You wouldn’t. > Will gasped.

“I would! Are you a man or not? Let’s go!”

< I… hate… you… > Will muttered, as Bruno was still not letting go of ‘Fluffy’ and using his psychic powers would invariably ruin the stuffing.

Bruno stuck his tongue out as they walked through Karen’s room into Lance’s.

After a few minutes, they found the door that led to his bedroom and opened it.

“Classy.” Bruno said. The interior was done in varying shades of blue, black, and red. One wall had a large portrait of Lance and his dragon pokemon. A desk with a computer and several piles of paperwork on it stood in a corner, and a closet, a bed, a bookshelf, and a small chest of drawers filled up the rest of the room. By the window stood a small potted plant. Another door led off to the bathroom.

< I still don’t think this is right, Bruno. >

“Aw, c’mon. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” Bruno said. He pulled out the top drawer of the chest. “T-shirts and jackets…. And spare cloaks?”

Closing the drawer, he opened the next own and saw a collection of boxer shorts, jeans, socks, and other clothing.

< Bruno, is there a point to all of this? >

“People usually hide stuff in their underwear drawers.” Bruno said. “That’s where I found your teddy bear.”

Will’s teeth grinding became audibly louder. < Have you no shame? >

“Will, come on. Can you see if there’s anything special?”

Will scanned with his powers and shook his head. < Not in the top two drawers. >

Bruno shrugged, pushed the second one back in, and opened the third drawer. His jaw dropped in shock.

“LANCE COLLECTS FEMALE UNDERWEAR?!”

Indeed, the innocent-looking little cavity was filled with plain cotton female undergarments, as well as some nicer silk lingerie in various pastel shades. But to Bruno’s surprise, there were no Playboy magazines or any other indications of Lance’s romantic life.

< Bruno… I think we’ve seen enough. > Will reasoned.

Bruno did not reply and gulped as he slowly slid the last drawer open. Inside sat a neat assortment of potions.

“Phew…” Bruno said, moving on to the closet.

Pushing it open, he found several of Lance’s preferred black bodysuits and some of the red and black ones. On the bottom lay several pairs of spare boots, a half-empty case of free poke balls from Silph Co., the fake fur jacket Karen had gotten him last winter, and two more cases of pokemon healing items.

“Boring.” Bruno muttered.

< Bruno, can we leave now? > Will pleaded, saddened that Bruno’s earlier shock had not released his teddy bear.

“Not yet. Are they coming back yet?”

< No, but still…>

“Scaredy-cat.” Bruno mocked.

Walking over to the bookshelves, he popped open the bottom cabinet. “Forms… ugh, I hate paperwork. Hold on!”

He flicked the lights on and stared at the secret drawer revealed in the back. “A-ha!”

Will tensed. < I have a bad feeling about this… >

“It can’t be any worse that some magazines.” Bruno reasoned as he depressed the spring, sliding the flap open.

Inside the wall, as the bookshelf slid back, were more shelves. Books, scrolls, bottles of potion, and brightly glowing weapons and pieces of jewelry covered them.

“Lance collects occult stuff? Woah.” Bruno said.

Will sighed. < Bruno, you ignorant fool. All of that is real magic. >

“… What?”

< Lance is apparently a magician… >

“Psh, whatever. Magicians don’t exist.”

< Don’t say I didn’t warn you… > Will said as they pushed the shelf back into position.

Bruno inspected the desk, but aside from copious amounts of paperwork, there was nothing left of interest. So off he went into the bathroom.

“Soap… lilac shampoo…three types of lotion…tooth care… HEY!” Bruno realized something. “Why does Lance have sixteen bottles of ‘Moltres Red hair dye’?”

< Maybe his hair isn’t really red? > Will asked sarcastically, getting irked by the inane comments of the fight trainer.

“Woah. He has no shaving cream either.”

Will shrugged. <I don’t shave. >

“But you’re a psychic! They never have facial hair!”

< Whatever you say. > Will mumbled as he drifted out the door.

Next, Bruno checked under the bed. But all he found were dust bunnies. He was about to leave when he spotted a book lying on the desk.

“Oh! Maybe it’s his diary!”
< Bruno, that is a gross invasion of privacy. I’ve leaving. > Will said, scooping up Fluffy from where Bruno had dropped him and teleporting out.

Bruno shrugged.

“Oh! Photo album…”

Flipping it open, Bruno saw that it was mostly empty. There were a few pictures of Lance himself, and the other Elite Four members, as well as two pictures of a black-haired girl and a few newspaper cutouts.

“Hey, isn’t this the Ash Ketchum that asked me to train him? I wonder why Lance has a picture of the kid. Bizarre.”

Then, there were several pictures of Ash, in varying ages.

Bruno gasped. “Oh no!”

His mind rushed to find an explanation, and a likely one reared its head. “Lance has an illegitimate child?!”

“What’s this about me having illegitimate children?” An amused voice asked.

Bruno jumped twenty feet into the air. “EEK!”

Lance crossed his arms. “And why are you in my room?”

Bruno stammered and spluttered for a good few minutes.

“Lance! I don’t mind if you’re having gender issues, it’s not my problem, but how could you have a kid?!”
Lance blinked.

“… What?”

“Isn’t Ash Ketchum your son?”

Lance’s eyes rolled up in the back of his head and he fainted. Bruno looked worried. * Hm. Methinks I might have guessed wrong. *

“Bruno…” Karen said, walking in. “You’ve got it all wrong.”

“I have?”

“Baka…” Karen sighed. “Lance can’t be a father.”

“No?”

“Lance is a girl. What did you think?”

This time, it was Bruno who lost consciousness.

When he revived, he immediately panicked. “AH! Nightmare! Ugh!”

Lance smirked from where she was looking out the window. “What was it, Bruno?”

“Lance! You’re a-!”

Lance shrugged her shoulders elegantly. “Why not?”

“B-bu-but!” Bruno fainted again.

< Think the shock was too much for him? > Will asked.

“Well, at least he didn’t catch me in the shower. I would have castrated him then.”

Will winced and looked away.

Lance amused herself by balancing chips of ice on Bruno’s prone form until the melting action finally woke him.

Bruno blushed an amazing shade of crimson.

“It’s not polite to go through people’s stuff, Bruno…” Lance said in a caustic tone. “But I think you’ve learned your lesson.”

Bruno winced at the acerbic comment and nodded.

“Well, now that all of that is figured out, let’s go get some dinner.” Karen said, completely undisturbed.

“Karen! You knew?”

“Of course I knew, baka. Oh, that reminds me. Tell anyone outside of the Elite Four this secret and you die.”

Bruno gulped.

Lance smirked and tucked her hands into her pockets. “Well, what are we waiting for, let’s go.”

“… Just a typical day in the lives of the Elite Four,” Bruno sighed as he followed. * And what a day… *

The End!

Completed 1/3/04

Review please? I tried, I’m not good at humor.