So many chapters to catch up to now! What a pain…

Notes: <> for telepathy, italics for Clow – er, Syaoran card talking

Warnings: Oh. Touya-bashing, since I’m a Syaoran fan, Syaoran x Yue, some Touya x Yue

Chapter 42 – Syaoran

In hindsight, perhaps using the compass was not such a good idea. The results were quite unsatisfactory.

Then again, I most likely did not expect what I found from the compass… three days ago, when I first used it, it seemed clear enough. So we headed to the southwest, Cerberus-clone and Yue and I, and I guess I’ll just call the clone Cerberus because I can’t think of any other way…

In any case, everything seemed simple, but it wasn’t, because as soon as we got several miles away we hit a desert. I don’t pretend to be an expert on geography, but it seemed that something was seriously wrong. However, if there was a seishi living in the desert, we had to go find him or her.

Perhaps Spinel Sun liked the quiet and solitude out there… that was my reasoning anyway, and so I asked Yue, and he stated that it was reasonable, there was plenty of sun and earth energy to soak up out there, and since his cards would be Firey and Earthy, why not? And in any case, so off we set. It wasn’t a bad trip, since we didn’t exactly walk. Yue decided to carry me, but then Cerberus sulked and wanted a turn, so between the two of them, we covered quite a lot of ground in only a few days, sleeping nights of course – well, I slept, I don’t think those two needed to sleep, but the kept me company at any rate and it was nice. Speed-wise, the Dash card helped too, of course.

We had just arrived at a town to inquire around when I just had to run into this alternate world’s version of Touya. Now, being Touya, I really did not have anything against him, except I knew it was an alternate dimension when he ran up to Yue and then… proposed.

I think he was quite unhappy about that.

However, I didn’t except him to solve the problem by pointing at me and then proclaiming that I was the Priest of Clow and therefore he had to protect me until the god – er, I mean Clow, had been summoned, and that he would be unavailable.

It got even worse when Touya showed me a tattoo reading ‘Sight’ on his arm that proclaimed him one of my seven warriors. Yue had the crescent moon to prove it, and Cerberus his own…

Why him? Why him? We were getting off the wrong foot and it didn’t help that my memories of Touya were already quite unpleasant! Still, if he was stuck being one of my seishi, I might as well be civil, right?

… It did not turn out that way when I caught him kissing Yue the same night!

Well, in any case, I was angry – it hurt too, after Yue said he would always love me, and then him, with Touya, of all people, and he already knew from Yukito’s memories – well, Yukito doesn’t exist anymore, but that’s not the point – from Yukito how I felt about Touya and yet, he still...!

I don’t know how I managed to leave them both alive when I walked out of the stable – why were they there of all places, I didn’t have a horse, so there was no reason for Yue to be in there, but then I ran upstairs to the inn – we were staying in a inn in that small desert town, not some rich merchant’s house like last time, and then I pulled out the Erase card and tried to get her to erase my memory and the fact that I’d ever loved Yue, but she refused, and then I think she told Sleep to put me to sleep before I did anything rash. So I fell asleep…

The next morning, Touya was acting so nice and sweet to Yue during breakfast and totally ignoring me that I gave up trying to eat at the same table after only a few bites of porridge, and since it was sweet, I fed it to Cerberus and then went outside and activated my Compass to try and find the next seishi. I figured that since I was now the Priest, the faster I finished my duty, the faster I could get out of here.

The faster I could… get rid of Touya…

It’s not like I wanted to kill him or something petty like that, since obviously he is a seishi and vital to the summoning ceremony later, but it stung, and Yue was the only person who ever cared for me, and then he was transferring that affection over to Touya of all people!

Cerberus found me sulking, and brought me some lichees – expensive, I know – to cheer me up, and we split them between us, and then he flew me around for a bit, and didn’t say anything, and this version is so much better than the stuffed animal my dear sister has… Sakura… I don’t think about her much anymore, but now I wonder.

Am I doomed to have no love?

In any case, my compass wouldn’t focus – I suppose it was because I was so angry I couldn’t even do a simple locating spell like that, so I decided to put it off for later. Why hadn’t Yue told me anything? We could talk telepathically, after all…

And Touya was still fawning over him and then Yue told me that we should stay here for a few days to recover – he said that and he wasn’t even tired and neither was Cerberus, he probably just wanted to spend more time with Touya, and after he said he’d loved me too, and I was angry again but I hid it under that cold mask I perfected while I was still ‘Li Syaoran’, and so I went upstairs and spent the morning watching my cards float around and that was when I noticed there was a new addition…

Hate…

She glittered prettily, like the rest of my cards, and if I had created a new one it might explain my bad mood somewhat – energy drain tends to do that to people, but oh, I was still angry… and it had nothing to do with the phase of the moon.

Why did you betray me like this, Yue?

Did you doubt my love for me? Or do you still see me as a child? Touya would be closer to Yukito’s age, wouldn’t he be? Is that why?

Anger…

I can’t help it! I’m still vulnerable emotionally! Doesn’t he realize this? And after all that junk he told me while we are at the other Clow’s residence – “I don’t regret this”. Now I know…. Now I know what a lie that was!

I’m sorry I ever thought it might be something other than the moon energy attraction between us. I’m sorry I dared to love again. I should just resign myself to the fact that I will never have love. After all, this makes betrayals twice over.

I’ll love my cards only…

That will work nicely…

So why should I hinder their blossoming romance? It will probably be a wonderful thing, even if it’s painful to look at. Of course, Yue will stay in this dimension to be with Touya…

It doesn’t matter.

I spend the next few days with Cerberus, feeding him sweets and grooming his long fur and playing fetch, and I’m struck by how loyal this guardian is. He’s so different from the one in our – I mean, my old world. How odd… Perhaps the sun is steadier than the moon. After all, the moon waxes and wanes and fades at times, so how can it be trusted?

Who can trust the dark of the moon?

No one sees the moon’s shadow, and no one sees it’s hidden side… but it hurts to see; now I understand!

Yue hasn’t spoken to me once, either telepathically or through actual words, but I don’t care anymore.

I wish you luck, then, moon guardian, Yue-san… Touya is Clow’s child also, isn’t he? And he’s older than me. I understand perfectly. It was always Clow’s blood in me you liked, not myself, not my magic, and even after I saved your life, it matters not…

Perhaps I’ll take this Cerberus back to Hogwarts with me after we leave…

That might be fun. Besides, in his small form, he’s easy enough to hide, and he probably resembles some magical creature in any case….

End Chapter

Completed 6/4/05

Yes, we have angst!

I hate Touya x Yue actually, but it’s necessary for plot development right now, and I never stated it was two-sided! *Snerk*

Yue: …

Syaoran: You’re making me angst again?

Phantomness: Yep! My name implies darkfic anyways!